Handful of Heaven (15 page)

For the first time since Jimmy had walked out on her, she felt as if she were falling through thin air, sure of certain impact. If she reached out to stop her fall, it would be Evan she grabbed. Evan, so good and dependable, and she didn’t want to need him. She couldn’t let herself really need him. Why did she think she ever could?

“Here. Let me take your coat.” He was calm and in control, and it felt just right to be so close to him that she could rest her cheek against his chest if she wanted to. His fingertips scraped the nape of her neck as he helped her out of her sooty jacket and hung it over the closet doorknob.

She was too dazed to do more than turn toward the kitchen. She didn’t know what to do. How was it that everything around her was exactly as it always was, when something so catastrophic had happened? It didn’t make any sense.

Evan’s hand gripped the curve of her shoulder. “Come sit down. Let me make you some tea.”

She moved woodenly, hardly aware of making her way to the small round table in the shadowed nook. The table where her taxes sat in a pile. Was it just a few hours ago she’d been here with Evan? How could everything seem so normal, when so much had changed?

“All settled?” Evan towered above her, haloed by the glare of the light slanting in from the entry and, cast in silhouette, he seemed to radiate more might, if that were possible.

This man had come to her in the middle of the night. He’d stood at her side and never wavered. He’d comforted her, helped her at every chance, and was, at 4:10 in the morning in the process of nuking her a cup of water.

Don’t get too used to it, a small voice inside her whispered. It was neither a wise voice nor a kind one, but, she feared, it was a sensible one.

She’d learned before that men could be one way and then, over time, or when their reasons were different, they could let you fall to the ground faster than you could see coming.

Evan’s not like that, she argued, managing what she hoped passed for a smile as he slid a steaming mug with a floating tea bag onto the table in front of her.

“Thanks. You’ve been pretty wonderful tonight.”

“Yeah? I’m glad you think so. This is only the start, Paige. Just the beginning.”

Oh, how she wanted to believe him completely. To grab tight to his words, and to him, as if she could keep this moment, when he stood over her so tall and invincible and committed, and make it last forever.

The deepest places in her
wanted
to believe.

“Want honey and cream?” His rough, intimate baritone made her soul shiver.

“Uh, n-no.” She hardly tasted the sweet soothing warmth of the chamomile. Her senses seemed to freeze. And then empty.

And fill with him. Evan’s voice. Evan’s deep bronze-flecked eyes. Evan’s warm, male-textured hand covering hers as he knelt at her side. He overwhelmed her. He filled her. He made it impossible to push him away, impossible to pretend she didn’t need anyone, especially him.

Her throat ached with the knot of emotions, wanting to need him and being afraid to, so that she couldn’t speak, only nod, in answer. The tea was fine. The tea wasn’t the problem.

The problem was the man who was as true as could be. She’d never had a man stay beside her as if a tornado couldn’t unseat him.

Or a man with such a heart. A man she could love with every bit of her soul.

“I’m sorry about your diner. It’s a terrible loss. I know it’s how you make your living. Whatever you need, I’m right here for you. Money. Moral support. Prayer. More tea.”

Oh, I could so love this man. The enormity of it terrified her. “I have to deal with the insurance people. I have to—”

“Don’t worry about that now. You’re not alone with this, baby. You’re not alone any more.”

She felt as if she were plunging through thin air, falling fast and hard toward the canyon floor below. She feared that when she hit, the impact would blow her apart. It felt as if her life was already in pieces. She didn’t feel as if she could take another heartbreak.

She’d thought she could try to find love with this wonderful man. But she’d only been kidding herself with falsehoods.

The truth was that men left, and she wanted to push him away and take out on him the pain she knew he would bring her one day. The same pain Jimmy had given her when he’d told her she wasn’t enough for him, or for any man.

But that wasn’t the truth at all. She scrubbed at her eyes, burning and gritty from the smoke. Be honest, Paige, she ordered herself. Not all men left women. There were plenty of good decent men who stayed with their wives, who stuck with their families through thick and thin.

The truth was, men left
her.
She felt the night’s shadows creep into the empty places in her soul. In places that had been hurting for too long. What if she
wasn’t
enough? She wasn’t worldly or gorgeous or exciting and never would be. Doubts were like a small crack in a bone that grew and grew until the sting of it had her eyes watering. She loved him completely, this man who had stolen every last piece of her heart. What was she going to do when he turned away from her? When he said to her that she wasn’t fun enough or exciting enough to love?

She’d lost a major part of her heart when Jimmy headed for the door. If Evan left her, what would he take with him? A part of her very soul? That’s how much she loved him now. What about in time, as she came to love him more? What would she do if he left her to fall? What would she do on the day to come when he no longer cared if he hurt her or not?

I can’t go through that again, Lord.
She swiped at her tears, but they came too fast and too hot and she couldn’t see as she put down the cup with a clink to the tabletop.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” He said those words with the greatest of convictions, as if he would move mountains stone by stone just for her. “Here, lean on me.”

She wanted to. She ached to be weak, just for a moment, and sink against his strength. To let him hold her up just for a bit. She wished she could rest her cheek against the invincible plane of his chest and feel his arms around her and simply hold on. Maybe then she wouldn’t fall.

Who was she kidding? Leaning on a man was the greatest danger of all.

Terror filled her. If she could just give in. Just trust. Believe that he would hold on to her forever, come what may.

Surrender, Paige. She willed herself to lean toward him. His chest felt strong. His arms would hold her tight. He wouldn’t fail her. He wouldn’t move away. He wouldn’t buckle and let her fall.

I can’t do it, Lord.
Terror clawed through her like a hunted animal trying to escape, and she turned away. “I need you to go. I just need—” She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t take seeing his strong arms or his iron-hard chest or the rejection in his eyes when she pushed him away.

Since it was inevitable, she covered her face with her hands. “Go home. Evan. Please.”

“But you’re not okay.”

“S-sure I am.” She bit her bottom lip to keep in the sob. “I’m free. That diner has been a weight around my neck for too long. Alex graduates in two weeks, and he’ll be gone. I can finally do whatever I want. I’m free. That’s my d-dream, you know.”

Liar, she called herself. Evan was her real dream. And a dream was all it could ever be. Ever.

She couldn’t trick herself into wishing for impossible dreams. Fairy tales were fiction, and so were the heroic men in them. This was real life. Evan, as good as he was, was an everyday, ordinary man. And she was too broken and scarred.

She’d lost her heart long ago and there wasn’t enough left of her to try marriage again. “I’m sorry. I really am, t-to have d-dated you. And let you think—”

She couldn’t go on. His jacket sleeve rustled when he lifted his arm. He was reaching out to pull her close. Panic blinded her. She bolted out of the chair. He gaped up at her with hurt blazing in his eyes, still kneeling, his arm frozen in midair.

I’ve hurt him. The impact rocked through her. She’d been afraid of being devastated and look at what she’d done. She’d drawn first blood.

I want to love him more than anything. She scrubbed the tears out of her eyes so she could see enough to walk away from him.

F
or a moment, his faith in her wavered. She was finally free? She wanted freedom? This was news to him. Yet she’d talked about her son leaving. She’d talked about needing to fill the emptiness left behind by her son.

Maybe she’s telling the truth, he thought, as pain crushed his heart. Maybe he was only someone to pass the time with until she was free of her responsibilities?

And then the shock of her words wore off. What she was saying didn’t make sense. Paige hadn’t dated once in the seventeen years since her husband ran out on her. She was nothing like Liz. He knew. Paige didn’t use people, she didn’t give excuses; she was his dream come true.

A dream he still believed in.

She held up her hands helplessly, tears streaming down her face. “I was wrong to let you think this c-could work between us. I didn’t mean to h-hurt you. I really thought—”

“Why can’t it work between us?” He was already on his feet and crossing the room. “Everything was all right until tonight. Until I was trying to hold you and I felt you tense up. I felt it, Paige, and I’ll be—” He bit his bottom lip, determined not to curse. Frustration burned like an ulcer in his guts. His heart still felt as if it was being axed apart. He had to take a deep breath and try again. “I won’t let this go. Do you understand? I love you.”

“No, you don’t love me.”

“Don’t tell me what I feel.” He knew she’d had a terrible blow tonight, but didn’t she know she was throwing away something that was real? When he opened his heart, she was there. Where she would be forever.

“Maybe it’s my fault for not telling you sooner. But it isn’t easy for a man like me. I’ve been alone for a long time, and I’ve gotten used to keeping my feelings below the surface. And you—” How did he tell her all that was in his heart? “You are the sweetest thing I’ve known. You make my day brighter. My life better. And me, you make me happy. I love you so much.”

“You love me?”

“Why do you think I came to you tonight?”

“I don’t know.” If her brain would start working right again, then she might be able to tell him. She fought to take a normal breath and to dig beneath the panic threatening to swallow her in one great bite. “Alex called you. He told you about the fire.”

“But I came because I wanted to be with you. To stand beside you. Because that’s what a man does when he loves a woman more than his own life. He sticks by her. He’s her rock when she needs strength. He’s her soft place when she needs comfort—”

“No.” His words hurt as if they were a thousand tiny arrows piercing her skin, drawing blood and digging deep. “Those are only words. Love isn’t like that.”

“Yes. Real love is.”

“You can’t make me believe—”

“That’s going to be my job for the rest of my life.” Incredibly, he cupped his warm palm against the curve of her face, breaching the distance between them. “To make you believe.”

“I c-can’t believe you.” He was stealing every last bit of her heart and she couldn’t stop him. Her feelings were out of her control; she couldn’t stop the love bursting up through the shroud of doubt and fear, shining brighter than any light and more certain than any dawn. But she could not let go of her fears. “I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”

“It’s an unconscionable thing, what people do to one another. He hurt you deeply. I know, because I’ve been hurt like that, too.
Hurt
is too small a word when the one person you love and trust beyond all else on this earth betrays you, and it cuts you down to the soul.” Instead of moving away, instead of buckling like water beneath sand, he moved closer, a towering strength that did not yield.

“You’re never the same when someone does that to you,” she confessed.

“No. I’ll never understand how some people can have everything that matters and not be happy with it. I’m not like that. I know how valuable you are. I see you, Paige, clear down to your soul, and loving and honoring you is a commitment I will make to you every single day to come. Because you are worth it.”

No, a voice deep inside her cried, because it could not be true.
He
could not be true. She could not believe in dreams and flattery.

But this was Evan, stalwart, steadfast Evan, and his goodness was breaking her will. His love was breaking her heart.

The voice of her past, the one she’d internalized for so long, was Jimmy’s voice. How did she silence it? How did she erase his damaging words from the broken places in her soul?
No one can love you,
he’d told her and she’d let those words in, and she’d believed them.

She didn’t want to believe them anymore.

“I love you so very much, Paige McKaslin.” He was honesty and faith and commitment, a dream that she could not believe in.

A dream that seemed too rare to be true. Too amazing to happen to her after being alone, and without romance, for so long. Love was a dangerous risk. There were no guarantees, and love demanded a person’s everything—her vulnerability and her openness. Romance needed belief to have a chance. And she so wanted this to have a chance.

Terror filled her. But the power of it was nothing compared to the warmth that seemed to surround her like a glowing, iridescent cloud. A shimmering brightness of love that she could not deny, although it was felt and not seen, emotional and not tangible, but it was there all the same. Love, true and pure, in Evan’s gaze, in Evan’s words, and, once again, in his touch resolute against her cheek.

And then she knew. If she did not risk, she would hurt him. If she did not trust, she would break his heart. If she did not love him truly, then she would be turning her back on the precious, committed love he offered her. And she would rather die before she caused Evan the tiniest pain.

In the end, wasn’t love like faith? They were both unseen, but felt. And both were more powerful than any force in the universe. And that force rose up from her soul.

As if Evan could feel the change within her, he leaned closer. Her pulse fluttered in anticipation. There was a man strong enough to stand beside her in this life, and that man was Evan.

His kiss was a warm certain brush against her lips. His tenderness unmistakable.

Yes, her heart knew for sure.
He is the one.

Dazed, she opened her eyes and met his gaze full-force. Flat-out, nothing held back, all defenses down, she could not stop the sting of emotion rising up within her.

True unshakable love shone through her, chasing away every shadow in her soul.

This was her chance. God was giving her this man and his love and it was up to her. All she had to do was trust and take the biggest risk of her life.

“I love you, Evan Thornton. With all of my soul.”

Thank you, Lord, for this woman.

Evan gently tucked his beloved against his chest. Peace filled him. Holding her was like finding the missing part of himself. Like filling a place that had always been empty within him. Pressing a kiss to the crown of her head was tenderness and commitment and a dream all wrapped up in one unbelievable blessing. Tears wet his shirt as she pressed against him, leaning into him, holding on.

He ached with a love so pure, he could not begin to describe it to her. So he simply held his dear Paige, feeling their breathing slow and fall into rhythm together.

He couldn’t stop the images that poured up from his soul. Images of marrying her in the old-fashioned church in town. Of making a home together. Of coming home to her every evening.

Their sons would be stepbrothers. There would be marriages one day, grandchildren…family.

And he would be happy, he knew, because he would spend each day to come with this woman, with his incredible Paige. Love burned like a supernova within him.

“This is forever,” he vowed and kissed her sweet lips.