Hell Inc. (3 page)

He
slunk into the room and just as I was marveling at his submissive
attitude, he turned the full force of his glare on me. Damn. He was
going to blame me for this and boy, was he pissed. I didn’t
think that having a demon pissed at you was very good for one’s
general well being.

“Levie,”
the Devil said slowly, leaning back in his chair and crossing his
legs. “What were you doing delaying this girl’s entry?
You know that I’m way behind on this month’s quota. She
is the first one to have answered our ad, and I’m getting
desperate.” This time, it was my turn to look pissed. I gave
‘Levie’ my own hate filled glare. I wanted to say
something but figured he was in enough trouble as it was, considering
the amount of cowering that was going on. “People nowadays,
they never want to make a deal with me anymore. They’re always
giving their souls to Jesus.” The Devil scowled and tapped his
fingers on the arm of his chair. “
He
always makes
his
quota.” He sighed and sat back up, straightened his collar, and
adjusted his tie. “This can’t happen again, I don’t
have time for this.”

“But
– ” Levie began to protest but quieted as the Devil’s
flames flared up again. He shifted his wings in a sort of defensive
position around himself, as if he feared he was going to be struck.

“However,
seeing as you are my nephew, I’m going to forgive you.”
Levie sighed and straightened up a bit, some of his original
arrogance leaking back into his posturing. “But I’m
going to have to take you out of the office.” Levie looked
alarmed, but the Devil continued before he had a chance to speak.
“I’m putting you back in the field; it's time you got
involved in the family business. Unlike your useless cousin.”
The Devil scowled and a bit of flamed escaped the corner of his lip,
wiped away promptly with a black handkerchief that he pulled from his
front pocket. “And,” he said, pointing one black nailed
finger at me. “I'm going to pair you with her.”

“Whoa,
whoa,” I said holding my hands up. “I haven’t even
signed anything yet.”

“Yes,
well,” the Devil said, clearing his throat. “I was
getting to that.” He removed a quill pen and an ink well from
one drawer and a small box with a needle on top from another. Levie
looked from me to his uncle.

“You
can’t be serious, Uncle Lucifer. Really,
this
woman?
She’s so ... uncouth.” The Devil gave his nephew an
evil glare that I knew must run in the family. Levie shook himself
as if he were trying to shake it off and took a step backwards.

“Excuse
me,” I interjected, hoping he wouldn’t turn the same look
on me. “But what exactly is going on here?”

“It’s
quite simple really,” the Devil said, smiling this time. “It’s
all stated right here in the contract.” I approached the desk
and turned the document around so that I could read it. “There
are three basic conditions of which you need to be aware: First, no
wishing for more wishes. Second, no wishing to undue previous
wishes. And third, no wishing for anyone to fall in love. The
price, one soul.” I wondered if they had a clearance bin, like
the one at the department store with all the underwear in it. Maybe
there was a discount for sullied souls or something. Yeah, I was
cheap, so sue me. “All you need to do is sign and dot, that’s
it. It’s up to you to read the fine print and understand all
of the more subtle nuances therein.”

The
deal sounded pretty shady to me, but then again, I wasn’t much
of a fan of reading fine print. Anyone could tell that just from
taking a look at my credit card bill. Who really has an APR of 27%?
Not wanting to make another mistake, I decided I would at least try
to read it. But as I grabbed the scroll and continued to unroll it,
and unroll it, and unroll it, I quickly changed my mind.

“Hey,
Genie,” I said, tapping the paper with one finger. “What
exactly are you going to do with my soul once you have it?”

“You
shall be required to fulfill your contractual obligations, as would
any full-time employee of Hell Incorporated, and become a valued
member of our corporate family. This doesn’t begin, of course,
until after you die.” I stared at him for awhile, my mind
frantically trying to talk me out of it. The speech was all
corporate-babble-gook. I was used to hearing it at work anyway.
Normally it didn't bother me that I had no idea what was going on.
Here, it could be fatal. Or soul
tal.
Or something.

“You’re
not going to try and kill me, are you?” The Devil stared
blankly for a moment and blew a ring of cigar smoke at me.

“Now,
why would we waste our time doing that? You humans die rapidly enough
as it is.” He leaned back and swung crossed legs up onto his
desk. “Are you going to sign the contract or not? I haven’t
got all day. I’ve got a cult suicide to attend. Without them,
it’d be pointless to even try to make my quota. Jesus Christ,
that proselytizing bastard. Mary Magdalene was
my
childhood
sweetheart.” Not wanting to delve even deeper into the Devil’s
personal life, I quickly changed the subject.

“But
what do I do if I have a problem?” He grinned and glanced at
his nephew.

“All
questions and disputes are to be dealt with by your caseworker.”
Now the deal was beginning to look sour. Selling my soul was one
thing but having to deal with
that thing
was another issue
altogether.

“Any
chance I could get another caseworker?” Apparently, I’d
said something funny because the Devil let out a boisterous roar of
laughter. He wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes.

“All
caseworker assignments are final.” Mentally, I sighed, but what
was I going to do? I wanted this deal, maybe even needed it. I
didn't have any prospects or goals, and let's just face it, seeing
supernatural beings sort of set me apart from everyone else. It was
a lonely life. Not to mention that the thought of going back to
that
job made me want to hurl. I just wouldn’t ask for Levie’s help.

“Where
do I sign?” I asked. The
Devil waved his cigar at the contract.

“Sign
your full name next to the red X and prick your finger on this.”
He pushed the needle box towards me. “And dot on the solid
line.” I did as he asked and waited to feel different.

“That’s
it? Shouldn’t I feel something?” I asked. The Devil
looked at me strangely.

“What
exactly were you expecting?” I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t
answer.

“Now
remember, if you’re interested we have a cell phone special.
Sign up for unlimited nights and weekends and receive one wish, free
of charge.” I blinked at him stupidly. “Or you can use
our refer a friend program. Refer three friends and receive a bonus
wish.”
And further confirm to my friends and family that I
am one hundred percent, absolutely, certifiably insane. No thank
you.

“That’s
okay,” I said and then added (making an ass out of myself in
the process), “I have AT&T.” The Devil rolled up
the contract, and it disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“Well,
the offers are still valid for the next six months, so if you change
your mind ... Now, if you’d please excuse me, I have
extra work to do. I must find myself a new, competent secretary.”

“Administrative
assistant,” Levie corrected.

Apparently
the price for otherworldly, interdimensional travel was a throbbing,
tooth numbing headache. I groaned and rolled over, reaching for the
folded classifieds that I'd left sitting on my nightstand. My hand
fumbled around blindly as my ears buzzed and my mind clouded over
like I'd downed an entire bottle of Absolut. Not that that sounded
like a bad idea. But first I needed to determine if last night had
been real or just some delusional whimsy induced by an evening of
late night T.V. and microwaveable popcorn. Either way, the
classifieds were gone. “Goddamn gnomes,” I snarled,
throwing my feet out of bed and into fuzzy, pink, bunny slippers. So
I was still a kid at heart, big deal.

I opened
the door to the bathroom and sighed as a group of gnomes dropped the
newspaper into the toilet while another of the pointy-hat-wearing,
little creeps pulled down the handle and flushed it. They leapt off
of my porcelain throne and dashed into one of the cabinets in the
vanity. I knew it was pointless to even try to go after them. If I opened the
cabinet now, they'd be gone. I had no idea where they went when they
ran like that; there were no cracks or holes in the wall that I could
make out. I sighed at the futility
of it and opened the medicine cabinet, snatching a bottle of
ibuprofen.

The Glade
Flameless Candles were still there, all dead, cheap batteries having
given out hours ago. And the room stank like ass from the discarded
chicken hearts. At least I hadn't imagined everything. I shook my
head and popped the top off the bottle. Inside, on top of the actual
pills, was a crumpled condom. Not a used one, mind you, because that
would just be nasty, but one still conveniently wrapped in silver
foil. I stamped my foot and shook my fist at the giggling voices I
could hear coming from the shower drain.

“I
can take a hint, Goddamn it. Leave me alone!” I shouted. This
had gone on before. I'd had this little infestation for awhile now,
but there really was nothing that I could do about it. It's not like
I could call an exterminator. After all, as far as I knew, I was the
only person who could even see them.

“You
need to get laid,” one of them called back as I tightened my
fists and grit my teeth, fully prepared to take a toilet plunger over
there and beat some gnome ass. But I was lazy and useless, and so I
just threw the condom in the toilet and flushed it down.

Life had
been like this since before I could remember. And it wasn't just
gnomes that I could see, it was everything. And when I say
everything, I mean everything: the Loch Ness monster, el chupacabra,
fairies, leprechauns. You name it, I had seen it. I'd learned at a
very young age not to say anything about it to anyone. After all,
young girls who complained about the boogie man who had taken up
residence under their beds were told not to be silly, that it was
just their imaginations. Adult women who complained about gnomes
moving their things around their apartments were taken to the
nuthouse. Therefore, I felt that it was in my best interest to try
my hardest to ignore it all. However, watching a dragon step over
vehicles during rush hour was a tad hard not to take notice of, but a
girl could try, couldn't she?

I downed
several more of the tiny orange pills than was really prudent and
traded the little plastic bottle for my toothbrush. As I brushed my
teeth and watched myself in the mirror that was, the night before, a
portal to the underworld, my mind ran through the bizarre series of
events. Was I actually going to get any wishes? If so, how did I go
about it?

“I'm
supposed to talk to that crab, aren't I?” My reflection glared
back at me. “I know, I know, but how else do you want me to
do?” I had a habit of talking to myself. It was kind of a
thing. I hoped I'd grow out of it when I turned thirty. But how was
I supposed to get in touch with him? It's not like they'd given me
his cell. The last thing I remembered was the elf butler escorting
me back through the double doors out of Satan's office and then,
nothing. Kind of like my senior prom night. I'm pretty sure I was
there. That's what the pictures say anyway.

I supposed
my next best option was to attempt to recreate the summoning ritual
from the night before though I was guessing it was going to be a tad
more difficult considering I just happened to be running low on my
supply of black candles and chicken blood. And I was pretty sure my
bank account had a little minus sign in front of the dollar amount.
I decided to resort to the next best tactic in a hopeless situation:
desperation.

“Hello,”
I queried, spitting into the sink and turning the water off. “You
in there?” The mirror didn't respond. I tapped on it lightly
with my fist. Still nothing. “Maybe I should've gotten a
receipt,” I quipped to my reflection, snatching my bathrobe
from its hook and wrapping it around my shoulders. Before I had a
chance to really get into it with the mirror, the doorbell rang. I
pulled the robe tighter around myself and tied the belt to cover the
skimpy nightie that I was wearing then made my way to the door
cautiously. Expecting a Jehovah's witness or maybe my entirely too
creepy landlady, I was quite shocked when I opened the door to find
an angry, scowling demon.

“Oh,”
was all I could manage to get out. “You.” Levie's scowl
deepened as he gave me a rather dismissive once over. He had a
brown, leather suitcase in his right hand and a half-crumpled novel
clutched in the other. I wondered what my neighbors would see if
they walked out of their apartments right now. Would they see this
demon with black leathery wings filling the hallway and orange eyes
sparking or just a really angry man in a very well pressed and
expensive looking suit? He shouldered his way rudely past me.
“Excuse me,” I closed the door behind him, not wanting
to cause a scene. “But this is
my
apartment.” He threw the suitcase down on my coffee table and
whirled around to face me. His eyes locked on mine, and I was startled by the intensity of
his anger.