Hidden Deep (32 page)

This wasn’t happening at all as I’d intended. I’d wanted Lad to see me
leaving
with Nox as I’d told him I would. Then he would let me go and return to his own life with his own people. Now it seemed Nox intended for us to spend the evening on Lad’s turf and probably right under Lad’s watchful eyes.

I couldn’t object, though, after what Nox had just said, so I went along with him into the dark woods. His flashlight clicked on, illuminating a narrow footpath and not much else.

“How do you know where you’re going?” I asked.

“Oh, I’m full of hidden talents. Relax. I’m not going to lead you astray.”

The trail ended at a wide gully. During a rainy stretch, the gully would’ve been filled with runoff, running fast and wild and reaching halfway up the banks. But this evening, only a narrow stream flowed through the center of it, leaving a sandy shore on either side of the trickling water. Nox had set up a campsite there—a small nylon tent, a log for sitting, and a barely smoldering fire in a pit lined with river rocks.

“We’re camping?”

“Yes, but this is only an
evening
camp for young ladies with eleven o’clock curfews. I asked your mom if she’d consider letting you camp the night out here with me, but as you heard, she shot me down. I guess her trust in me goes only so far. Very wise woman.”

He chuckled to himself, refreshing the smoldering campfire with dry wood until it was blazing. Nox reached into the tent and came to sit beside me on the log, holding marshmallows and two long sticks. He put me to work roasting the marshmallows while he threaded hot dogs onto another skewer.

“None for me. Sorry, but hot dogs are gross.”

“Oh no,” he said, “not these. When cooked over an open fire under a starlit sky, hot dogs rise to the level of epicurean delicacy. Really, they become something altogether different.”

I laughed. “Well, that’s good news because I
had
thought you wanted me to eat meat slurry, sodium, and fillers on a stick.”

Of course, by the time I smelled them cooking and recalled the fact that I’d walked out on breakfast and slept through lunch, I was ready to wolf down my hot dog and fight Nox for his, too. And he was right. They were pretty dang good.

At first, I kept glancing nervously around us at the dark spaces between the trees, expecting at any moment to see accusing green eyes staring at me from the shadows. But after an hour of watching the dancing flames and listening to Nox strumming his acoustic guitar and softly singing, I relaxed.

A heavy sense of well-being washed over me with the music. It was sort of like the night at the club, which should’ve alarmed me, maybe, but I wasn’t feeling very concerned with “should” and “shouldn’t.” I found myself forgetting for entire minutes at a time about the morning’s gut-wrenching exchange with Lad. The relief was heavenly.

“Ever made shadow puppets?” Nox asked, putting down his guitar and nodding toward the shadows we cast on the tent in the firelight.

“I learned some in camp when I was a kid. I’m pretty good, but I’d hate to show you up,” I teased.

“Oh, you have no idea who you’re talking to. I hereby challenge you to a shadow puppet duel.” Nox arranged his hands and executed a flawless butterfly, fluttering across the side of the tent.

“Oh yeah? Think you’re something, huh?” I did my dog, my bunny, and an eagle, but Nox completely outdid me each time, somehow forming entire moving scenes with a few turns of his hands and twists of his fingers.

“Okay, I give up. You’re too good. And I’m totally out of ideas.”

“Come on. One more,” he said.

Sighing, I held up my arm, made a simple head with my hand, and undulated my wrist, attempting to pass it off as a snake. The shadow of Nox’s arm joined mine on the tent, becoming a snake as well. Somehow, his snake performed maneuvers my pathetic reptile could only have dreamed of. And then, Nox’s arm wrapped around mine, and our snakes were intertwined, their fingertip mouths pressed together in a serpentine kiss.

My heart skipped. I turned to look at Nox, nervous about what I would see in his face. His incredible hazel eyes crackled with gold, mirroring the campfire, and I sensed not all the heat in them was coming from the reflection.
Oh God. What do I do here?

I couldn’t seem to do anything, actually, immobilized as I was by those eyes and the intensity of Nox’s expression. My pulse raced like a water bug skittering across the surface of a lake, but the rest of me stayed perfectly still. He took the matter out of my hands, using our tangled arms to pull me closer. Lowering his head, he pressed his lips against mine, still humming softly in his throat.

I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t breathe.

And then he kissed me. This time it was different. Still self-assured, but seductively gentle. It was… very
very
nice if I was being honest. In fact, if I’d never met Lad, I’d probably have been in paradise.

I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t feel
something
, and for a moment I found myself succumbing to the drugging sensation, returning the kiss and allowing Nox to deepen it.

I was nowhere near ready to move on—I still could barely admit to myself that I’d lost Lad for good. But I could lose
myself
in this—use Nox like an anesthetic to avoid the pain that was inevitably coming when I did face the terrible truth.

No.

I couldn’t do that to Nox. He didn’t deserve that from me. As good as it felt, these weren’t the lips I dreamed of, the impossible sweetness I’d come to crave. I pulled away slowly. His eyes were filled with satisfaction and a new fragility.

There was a loud rustling in a nearby tree. I jumped, and Nox wrapped his arms around me protectively. “It’s just a squirrel… or some other little pest. It’s gone.” His voice softened, “Hey, I hope that was okay. I didn’t plan to kiss you tonight.”

“Why did you?” I whispered.

“You,” he said with a seductive dip in his voice, “are too tempting. I can’t be this close to you without wanting to kiss you.”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. On one hand, this was good. If Lad wa
s
out there somewhere watching, this unexpected turn of events completely supported the fabricated story I’d given him. My heart lurched painfully at the thought.

But what about after tonight? What about Nox? He’d expect more than I could give him, more than I might ever be able to give. I was trying to think of how to explain it to him, but he spoke again.

“I’ve been thinking, Ryann… about the tour. What would you say about my staying here and going to Ole Miss in the fall instead? I could still play the area bars, frat parties, play up in Memphis now and then.”

I drew back and looked at his face. “What? Why would you do that? You have a record deal. You have to go on tour. It’s your dream. You would be insane to pass it up.”

“
I
think I would be insane to pass up another opportunity that’s only available right
here
.” He reached up and stroked his fingers softly under my chin, lifting it up toward his mouth.

“No!” I yelped.

Nox pulled back, looking stung. I’d probably startled him, but he needed a shock—he wasn’t thinking clearly. If he turned down this chance he’d regret it for the rest of his life.

“Why not, Ryann? I’d still be doing my music, but I’d be closer to you…”

“Nox—what is the matter with you? Why are you talking like this? We can still be friends if you go on tour. We have phones. You’ll come home on breaks and we can hang out then.”

“I don’t think the occasional phone call and ‘hang out’ is going to be enough for me. I need to see you more often, like every day, for instance,” he said, laying it on the line and shocking the daylights out of me.

No. No no no. I couldn’t take two excruciating emotional scenes in one day. Why was I suddenly having to convince every guy I knew not to throw away his future?

“I don’t think that’s… necessary,” I said.

Nox’s expression changed, gathering clouds and growing darker. “Necessary.
Necessary?
No, I guess
you
wouldn’t think so. I can’t believe how stupid I am,” he growled. He poked the fire hard with the end of his skewer, sending sparks skittering up into the dark sky.

Wow.
I’d disappointed him, maybe hurt his feelings a little, but I couldn’t imagine why he was getting this emotional. He was a player, a bad-boy Rock God.

“Why do you sound so mad?” I asked in a small voice.

“Come
on,
Ryann.” His voice had turned savage. “What is so hard to understand? How could you
not know
how I feel about you? I mean, it’s obvious. It should have been obvious to you for weeks now. If the fact that I try to spend every free minute with you didn’t clue you in, maybe you should’ve figured it out when I lost total control and basically threw myself on you the other day.”

My mouth opened, but no word or sound emerged.

Nox made a visible effort to calm himself, holding his hands in front of his body and pushing down, as if quieting some invisible symphony orchestra. He gentled his voice. “Ryann… you don’t have to be afraid. I understand you’re not very experienced. I realize this… stuff with your parents has you skittish on the whole relationship thing. But I can be patient. God—I’ve
been
patient, haven’t I? We’ll take things as slowly as you want.”

“That’s not it, Nox. I just don’t—”

His hands gripped my shoulders. “No. Stop right there. You can’t tell me you don’t feel something for me. I may have been blinded by hope, but I don’t think I could have been
that
wrong. We have a great time together, we’re obviously attracted to each other. You
responded
to me when I kissed you. And what about that day on the swing in your yard? And then you called, wanting to see me tonight? Come on. Help me out here. Did I imagine all that?”

Oh Dang. This is awful
. “You’re right. But, it’s… I can’t give you what you’re looking for. I’m not the one you want.”

His voice descended into an angry growl. “
Don’t
tell me what I want and what I’m looking for. If there’s anything I
am
sure of here, it’s what
I
want.” Nox looked at the ground, drawing unsteady breaths. “Ryann… please. Isn’t there
something
about me, anything you could want?”

“Of course. Everyone wants you.”

“Everyone but
you
. Is that it?”

The hazel eyes were swimming with hurt now. It was killing me. “Nox… I do love being with you. I love your sense of humor and your voice and your ridiculously big brain. I love the way you look. It’s just—”

“I’m hearing the ‘L’ word being tossed around quite a bit here,” he interrupted.

I shook my head. “But not like that, Nox. It’s—”

“No. It
is
like that, Ryann. I know it is… I can
feel
it. You feel it too.”

He dragged me back to him again, pressing his lips hard against my mouth, crushing me against his body.

Working my hands in between us, I pushed against his chest forcefully and turned my head away from him.

“Nox—stop it.
Now
you’re scaring me.”

He stood abruptly, and backed away, his hands shaking. “You know what kills me? You don’t even want to try. I mean it’s not like there’s someone else.
Right?
Well, you know what? I’m not going to try anymore either. I’m done. You want to be alone? No problem. You’re going to end up alone. Enjoy.” He threw the poker, and it vanished into the leafy darkness outside the campfire’s ring of light.

He walked away from the campsite in long fast strides, leaving me staring into the dark woods where he’d disappeared. I sat back down and watched the fire, thinking of what I could say to him when he calmed down and returned, to fix things, to make it all better, to let us somehow stay friends.

When I finally accepted he wasn’t coming back, I put out the fire. All the while, I worried about whether he’d made it safely back to his car in the dark. He didn’t know the woods like Lad did, like I did. And as I trudged home with the flashlight I agonized—had I done the wrong thing?

He was right. There was no one else. Maybe I should have encouraged him, told him what he wanted to hear, let him hold me and kiss me the way he wanted to.

I kept coming back to this—I couldn’t justify hanging on to Nox when my love had already been given away to Lad. It wasn’t fair to him, and it was too late for me. My heart had already made its choice. I’d met my soul mate in these woods ten years ago. I’d experienced love. I couldn’t keep it, but I couldn’t live with anything less either.

Maybe I had more Elven blood in me than I realized. I wondered briefly… when I got home and looked in the mirror, what color my hair would be.

Sorry I left you out in the woods. Not cool. P.S. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Totally over it.

Nox’s text was the only glimmer of light in an otherwise miserable Monday. I’d spent the past two nights grieving over Lad and fretting over Nox. Today, I’d been barely functioning, forcing my soulless body to go through the motions at work, forcing myself to smile at the lunch customers, trying not to think of the hideous way I’d rejected Lad and annihilated my friendship with Nox.