How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (7 page)

Get Naked
•  •  •

“My wife bought a piano at the Salvation Army. I had to strip off all the old stuff on there. Strip, scrape, strip, scrape. It took me a long time to get it down to the wood, but I’m quite proud to look at it now and say I did it. I get such a great joy out of it.”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
S
TRIP
W
OODEN
F
URNITURE

Step 1:
Check the value of your piece. Did you buy it at the Salvation Army or a neighbor’s garage sale for less than the cost of a pizza? If so, proceed to step 2. If you inherited it from your great-grandfather or you have a hunch that it may have once belonged to a king, queen, or famous dead writer, consult with an antiques specialist before you go at it with your scraper.

Step 2:
Remove any hardware. If it’s got knobs, take ’em off. And if anything is loose, jiggly, squeaky, or wobbly, fix it up by tightening the screws or adding some glue.

Step 3:
Pick up a stripper. Um, yeah, not
that
kind of stripper. Get your mind out of the gutter, naughty pants. Buy a paint stripper, preferably an eco-friendly kind. Go for a gel or semi-paste version, which, you’ll find, will very nicely cling to all the surfaces, even vertical ones. While you’re at the hardware store, also pick up a cheapo natural-bristle brush to paint it on with, and if you don’t have it already, get a putty scraper, some steel wool, fine sandpaper, and a tack cloth. Also, maybe pick up a Mr. Goodbar. Who knows? You might need a snack later.

Step 4:
Suit up. Hopefully you’ve bought an eco-friendly kind, but in case you didn’t, know that stripper is seriously nasty stuff. Either way, put on some rubber gloves, an apron, and goggles; if you’re not working outside, open all your windows. Place several layers of newspaper on the ground, beneath your furniture. While you’re at it, vow to make a donation to an environmental group or cancer charity.

Step 5:
Slap it on. Using your brush, paint on the stripper in a small area, and let it sit for the recommended amount of time, usually about fifteen minutes.

Step 6:
Scrape it off. Now the fun part: Holding your putty knife at a forty-five-degree angle to the wood, gently push your scraper forward, along the grain of the wood, removing the stripper and any old paint or finish beneath it. If the finish doesn’t come right off, don’t muscle it or you’ll scratch your furniture. Repeat until your wood is totally naked. Address any particularly stubborn spots with steel wool.

Step 7:
Clean it. Depending on what kind of stripper you used, you may have to do something special to get any lingering bits off your wood. Check the stripper’s instructions. Some will tell you to rinse it with water, while others will tell you to use something a little stronger, like turpentine.

Step 8:
Sand it. Once all the paint is off, smooth the wood, using 120-grit sandpaper, then 220-grit. Have patience. This step feels the least satisfying in the moment, but makes the biggest difference in the end. Now remove any dust with a tack cloth.

Step 9:
Finish it. Stain your wood, if you’d like; either way, apply a protective top coat of polyurethane, shellac, or tung or linseed oil. If you bought the piece from your neighbor, now’s the time to offer to sell it back to him for double the price. Better yet, offer him a drink and thank him for the lovely piece.

More Handy Tips

• You’ll know it’s time to start scraping when the paint beneath your stripper loses its luster. You’ll be tempted to go at it sooner, but don’t do it, or you’ll only create more work for yourself in the long run.
  
• Dull the corners of your putty knife before using it, or you may scratch your wood. Just drag it on a metal file or across some heavy-duty sandpaper. If all else fails, try dragging it on the sidewalk.
  
• Have an old rag or towel handy so you can clean your scraper of gunk when necessary.
  

Tidy Up
•  •  •

“One of the things we learned in my family was how to wash clothes and how to clean house. It was a requirement in my house growing up and it is a requirement in my own house. If I walk in your house and can write on your table, you’re sloppy.”

—B
ILL
H
OLLOMAN

H
OW TO
C
LEAN
Y
OUR
H
OUSE

Step 1:
Straighten up. Make your bed, for starters. It sets the tone for not only your home, but also your day ahead. Then fold and return any crumpled clothes to their hangers, shelves, or drawers, and toss the dirties in your hamper. (In case you’re wondering, if you’ve worn a pair of underpants once, consider them dirty, even if they don’t
look
dirty. Do not turn them inside out and wear them again. That’s a cardinal rule, and if you choose to break it, you will officially be gross.) Drop any loose change in a designated jar, labeled
LIFT TICKETS, WEEKEND IN
P
ARIS
, or
HOT-DATE FUND
, and file away any mail and magazines.

Step 2:
Dust. You’re going to need to polish, or at least wipe clean, every surface (at least the noticeable ones). First, remove any stuff you have sitting on top of your dining room table, sideboards, nightstands, vanities, or bar. Then spray the surface with the appropriate cleaner and wipe away the dust, using a clean rag, a soft old T-shirt, or a paper towel.

Step 3:
Vacuum. If you’re reading this expecting instructions on how to vacuum, then you’re just procrastinating. Go on now. Get on with it!

Step 4:
Disinfect. Somebody’s got to clean the bathroom, and it’s that person you see staring back at you in your toothpaste-splotched mirror. Scrub-a-dub-dub the tub and the walls of the shower with a mild abrasive and brush or sponge. Wipe down the sink, mirror, and toilet seat. Finally, lift the toilet seat, squirt some cleaner in the bowl (or better yet, pour in a cup of white vinegar), scrub the bowl and the underside of the toilet seat with a long-handled brush, and let it sit before flushing.

Step 5:
Invite company over, and when they start doling out the compliments, put your thumbs in your pockets, rock on your heels, and pretend your place always looks so nice. Aw, yeah.

More Handy Tips

• Dust from top to bottom, or you’ll constantly be working against yourself.
  
• If you’ve got a good vacuum, you may be able to get away with using one of the fancy attachments to dust almost everything. Go ahead and give it a try—just not on a table full of your sweetie’s Precious Moments figurines.
  
• You could buy fancy cleaning supplies, but they cost big bucks and many are lousy for the environment. Instead, use white vinegar to clean and disinfect most surfaces, including countertops, windows, even toilets.
  

Tame Your Turf
•  •  •

“Grass
always
grows, so you have to take care of it. Otherwise, it gets away from you. In Cleveland, if you didn’t mow your lawn, they used to send a policeman along to remind you that it’s out of whack.”

—J
OE
B
ABIN

H
OW TO
M
OW A
L
AWN

Step 1:
Walk your land. Pick up any sticks, rocks, forgotten golf clubs, lonely baseball gloves, or any other items that might hurt or get hurt by your mower.

Step 2:
Check your mower. Make sure your blades are sharp and anything squeaky gets oil. Fill the tank, if you’re using a gas mower.

Step 3:
Adjust your blade height. No matter how long your grass is, never mow off more than a third of its height at once, or you risk damaging your lawn. Most grasses will do well at about two to three inches tall, though Bermuda and bent grasses like to be a touch shorter.

Step 4:
Snip away. Starting at one edge of your lawn, push or ride your mower in a straight line to the opposite edge. Then turn your mower around and return from whence you came, mowing the strip of lawn adjacent to your first pass. Allow your strips to overlap by a few inches to avoid any hairy patches, and of course watch out for trees! You’ve got to go around them. Repeat until your lawn is neatly shorn.

Step 5:
Clean up the edges. If necessary, take an edger or trimmer and zip along the edges of your sidewalk and driveway.

Step 6:
Knock on the back door and ask someone inside to bring you a nice cold one. You’ve earned it.

More Handy Tips

• For best results, mow your lawn once a week when it’s dry, either in the late morning or early evening.
  
• Vary your mowing pattern each week so your grass grows vertically and you don’t get tire tracks in your lawn.
  
• Be considerate of your neighbors. Nobody wants to be woken up to the sound of you mowing your lawn, especially on a lazy Sunday morning.
  
• Sharpen the blades on your mower once a year for a cleaner cut and healthier grass.
  
• If you cut your grass too short, it’ll only grow back faster, sacrificing its own root health to do so. The only time you may go shorter than usual is during your last mow before snowfall.
  
• Longer grass helps the water stay in the soil longer, giving you a greener lawn.
  
• Skip the raking. Your grass clippings will act as a natural fertilizer.
  
• Watch out for tree roots. Nicking them with your mower blades could damage your tree.
  
• Be careful. Wear sunscreen, goggles, and hearing protection, if necessary. Keep small children and pets away from you while you work. And use caution while mowing hills.
  

Roll Out
•  •  •

“I got caught one night with a blowout. I had a pair of canvas gloves, and I stuffed them in the hole in the tire, put the spare tube back in that thing, pumped it up by hand, and went back home.”

—P
HILIP
S
POONER

H
OW TO
C
HANGE A
F
LAT
T
IRE

Step 1:
Stay calm. If you get a flat, you’ll know it by the telltale
thlump-thlump-thlump
sound of driving on deflated rubber. There’s no need to swerve, slam on the brakes, or scream. Take a deep breath, slow down, and turn on your blinking hazard lights.

Step 2:
Pull over as soon as possible. Drive to a safe, flat, hard place as far away as you can from traffic, throw your car in park (or leave it in first, if you’re old-school and driving a stick shift), activate your emergency brake, and ask your passengers, if you have any, to get out of the car and stand in a safe place. Light flares, if you’ve got ’em and know how to light them safely, and place them a good seventy-five feet behind your car. Then figure out which tire bit the dust and curse it, especially if you’re wearing nice clothes, you’re in a rush, or it’s raining. Finally, if you can find one, place a large rock or piece of wood behind the diagonally opposite tire.

Step 3:
Pop the trunk. Usually, that’s where you’ll find everything you need to get back on the road—a spare tire (or a dinko doughnut tire, which will at least get you to the nearest service station), a jack, and a lug wrench. If you don’t see these tools at first glance, you might have to lift up the carpet in your trunk. (If you’re driving a pickup truck, look behind the seat for your gear.)

Step 4:
Find your lug nuts. If you can see them in the center of your wheel, skip to step 5. If not, you’ll have to first pop your hubcap. To do so, slip the flat end of your lug wrench beneath the edge of your hubcap and pry it off.

Step 5:
Go nuts. Place the other end of your lug wrench on each of the nuts, and loosen—but don’t remove!—the nuts by turning your wrench in a counterclockwise motion. Remember, lefty-loosey, righty-tighty. Those nuts are going to be as tight as can be, so really muscle your wrench. Try grunting, if you think it’ll help or make you look tough.

Step 6:
Jack it up. Refer to your owner’s manual for the proper positioning, and then turn the crank until your car is high enough off the ground to remove the tire. Yeah, that’s right. You just single-handedly lifted your car.

Step 7:
Change your tire. Screw off the loose nuts and put them in a safe place, then slide off your flat tire and set it aside. Slide on your spare tire flush against the hub, lining up the studs with the holes, replace the lug nuts, and tighten them by hand, mustering all the finger strength you amassed from those many years of thumb wrestling.

Step 8:
Lower your car. Wind down your jack until all four wheels are on the ground. Using your wrench, tighten each lug nut as much as you possibly can, but don’t go in a circle. Tighten one, then do the opposite one, and so forth. How tightly? Let’s just say veins should be popping out of your forehead.

Step 9:
Dab the sweat off your brow.

Step 10:
Toss everything in the trunk, including your hubcap, jack, wrench, and flatty. Load up your passengers, if you’ve got any, and extinguish any flares.

Step 11:
Drive slowly (and proudly) to your nearest service station, where you can get a full-sized replacement tire.

More Handy Tips

• Never attempt to change a tire on a hill or soft ground, or your car could fall or roll on you, and then you’d be flat, too.
  
• Check the wall of your spare tire for any speed limitations.
  
• If you get a flat in a dangerous area or one that just gives you the heebie-jeebies, drive slowly to the nearest service station or public place. You may ruin your wheel, but at least you’ll be safe.
  
• A well-lit public parking lot is the best place to change a flat. Get to one, if you can.
  
• Cars are really heavy, duh. If you’re not sure you can jack it up and put a new wheel on properly, ask for help when doing it. You’ll become a master in no time, um, flat.