How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (8 page)

Get Greasy
•  •  •

“You can change the oil. It’s not difficult, and you can save money and have an interesting chore and the satisfaction of knowing you’ve done it. Do you know why ditchdiggers get more satisfaction than anyone else at the end the day? Because the ditchdigger can turn around and see all the dirt he threw out.”

—C
HUCK
T
ATUM

H
OW TO
C
HANGE THE
O
IL

Step 1:
Slip into a jumpsuit, preferably one that has a patch with your name on it sewn above the pocket. No jumpsuit? Old cruddy clothes and a trucker hat will be fine, then. You’re going to get a little dirty. Then blast the radio, preferably a country or metal station, for full effect.

Step 2:
Read your owner’s manual. Okay, so this step is a little anti-climactic, but it’s important. Your owner’s manual will tell you what kind of oil and filter your car needs, whether you need a new drain plug gasket, and how much oil you need to buy.

Step 3:
Gather your supplies. You’ll need oil and a new filter, a funnel, a drain pan, a socket wrench, an oil filter wrench that matches the size of your filter, a rag, a good pair of gloves, and, depending on your car, a new drain plug gasket.

Step 4:
Get your car in the right spot. Take it for a few spins around the block first, because warmer oil drains faster than cold oil. Once your engine is toasty, park your car on a level surface, turn it off, and set the emergency brake. Better throw some cardboard, newspaper, or a tarp underneath in case you make a mess.

Step 5:
Pop the hood, unscrew the oil fill cap, and set it in a safe place. It’ll help the oil drain faster.

Step 6:
Locate your drain plug. Slide under the car with a flashlight and look for the lowest item on the engine. You’ll see a decently sized nut with a washer around it that, if you’re lucky, says
DRAIN PLUG
on it. You’ll know you have the right one if the metal around it is warm. If the metal is cold, you’re probably looking at the slightly larger drain plug for the transmission fluid. Whatever you do, don’t pull that one!

Step 7:
Drain the oil. The oil will shoot out of its reservoir with great gusto, so put your pan (or a bucket) underneath the plug and, using a socket wrench, turn the plug counterclockwise until it comes loose. Here comes the oil! It’ll take at least two minutes for it to completely drain. Once it stops flowing, replace the plug (and gasket if necessary), tightening it first by hand, and then with your socket wrench.

Step 8:
Replace the filter. It looks like a palm-sized cylinder, and it’ll be located either just above the oil pan underneath your car or under the hood somewhere. You may have to hunt for it, and even possibly remove a decorative shield to get to it. Using your filter wrench, loosen the filter and then unscrew it with your hand. Take your new filter out of the box, lube up the top of it with some new oil, and screw it into place with your hand.

Step 9:
Boredom check. How’s the radio station working out for you? Not good? Change it to NPR, listen to
Car Talk
, and feel superior to all those schmucks calling in, okay?

Step 10:
Fill ’er up. Pop the hood of your engine, drop the funnel in the oil fill hole, add your new oil, and screw on the cap again. Hopefully, you didn’t lose it.

Step 11:
Warm ’er up. Turn your engine on and let it idle. Careful you don’t get your seats dirty! After a few minutes, turn it back off, then check under the car for any leakage.

Step 12:
Check the oil level. Pull the dipstick out, wipe it off on something other than your own pants, dip it back into the reservoir once more, and then pull it out for a look-see. It should be at the
FULL
mark. If it’s shy, add more oil.

Step 13:
Clean up. Gather your tools and pour the dirty oil into an old plastic milk jug. It’s illegal to pour it down the drain or into the ground, because it will contaminate your water. Take it to a recycling center. Many quick-lube joints will take it off your hands for no charge.

More Handy Tips

• Change your oil and oil filter about every five thousand miles. Pushing it any longer will only up your chances of breaking your car in, no doubt, some very expensive way. It needs good oil to run properly.
  
• Check your oil levels every few hundred miles.
  
• If you can’t fit under your car, use two jack stands (not just a jack!) to raise it up. Or, if you have help, drive the front two wheels of your car onto ramps and place chocks behind the back two wheels. Always engage your emergency brake!
  
• If you’re scratching your head after step 1, find a grease monkey to mentor you. He’ll show you how to do it safely, and you can buy him a cold one afterward.
  

Talk Shop
•  •  •

“The only way to find a good mechanic is to talk to the guys in the neighborhood. You’ve got to ask your friends, because some mechanics will rip you off.”

—A
L
S
ULKA

H
OW TO
C
OMMUNICATE WITH A
M
ECHANIC

Step 1:
Smile. This may be difficult to do if your car is broken and you know it’s going to cost you some bucks to get it fixed. Still, it’s not likely your mechanic’s fault, and if you walk into the garage with a chip on your shoulder, you probably won’t inspire the best possible service.

Step 2:
Describe the problem in detail. Even if your mechanic doesn’t ask (as he should), be sure to offer up all the pertinent information. Tell him when the problem started, when it happens (at high or low speed, in hot or cold weather, when your blinker is on), and what it sounds or feels like. Don’t be afraid to unleash your onomatopoeia, as in, “When I slow down, my car goes
blerp blop poop voop voop voop bang fizzle.”
You may feel silly, but he may also know exactly what you’re talking about, and the less time he has to spend diagnosing the problem, the lower your bill will be.

Step 3:
Ask for an estimate. Once your mechanic pinpoints the problem, request that he call you with a ballpark figure for the parts and labor before proceeding. If it’s too expensive, you can make the decision to put off the repair or do only enough to get your car running. If it’s within your budget, at least you’ll be mentally prepared to see the bill when you pick it up.

Step 4:
Request to see the discarded parts. It’ll only make you feel better about spending your hard-earned money if, for example, you can see with your own two eyes just how rusty your rotors actually were. Most reputable mechanics will be happy to show you.

More Handy Tips

• Ask your friends if they have a mechanic they know and trust. When it comes to car repair, there’s nothing better than a word-of-mouth recommendation.
  
• When you’re dropping your car off for repairs, tidy up the interior. Nobody wants to spend time working on a car that smells like a two-week-old Big Mac wrapper.
  
• If you’re happy with your mechanic’s work, tell him so, and remind him you’ll be sending your friends his way. It helps foster a good relationship that’ll last for years to come.
  

Hit the Road
•  •  •

“When I was twelve, my mother sold our property, bought a 1936 Terraplane, and drove it from Oklahoma to California. There were seven of us in this one car. She packed the floor of the backseat higher and higher and then put a mattress over it so the young kids could sleep. Oh, they loved it! She was a genius at packing that car.”

—C
HUCK
T
ATUM

H
OW TO
P
ACK A
C
AR

Step 1:
Clean out your vehicle. You’re not going to be able to fit too much junk in your trunk if you’re already hauling around your old hiking boots, a soccer ball, a bunch of empty water bottles, and that box of books once destined for the used-book store. Before you can load up, you’ve got to load out.

Step 2:
Take inventory of the big stuff. If you’re packing any long items, like a snowboard or skis, inside the car, take into account that you’ll have to put the backseat down to slide them through the trunk. If you’re packing unwieldy items, like a table or chairs, disassemble what you can before loading, so they’re more maneuverable.

Step 3:
Divvy up the small stuff. Remember, because you’re driving, not flying, you won’t be charged a fee for every bag you pack, so there’s no need to cram all your belongings into one giant suitcase. Think about it: You may not be able to fit two large suitcases in your trunk, but you will probably be able to fit one big one, along with two duffel bags, filled with the same stuff. The smaller the items, the more flexibility you’ll have with your space.

Step 4:
Carry everything to the car. Try to enjoy the heavy lifting while you’re at it. You’re about to sit still for a very long time, so relish this moment when you can stretch your legs and feel your blood pumping.

Step 5:
Load up. Pop the trunk and drop in the biggest stuff first. If you’re having trouble fitting something, work the angles. Sometimes a small rotation or a slight twist as you slide it in can help, and since the car is still empty, you have plenty of room to operate. (Having another person help guide it from the other side can help, too, but only if that person is willing to listen to you and try your ideas, at least at first. Two lead packers per car is one too many.) Once you’ve got the large items in, squeeze the smaller stuff into any remaining open spaces.

Step 6:
Place anything you may need en route inside the car: your wallet, sunglasses, music, snacks, books, toys, an empty trash bag, and a first-aid kit.

Step 7:
Check your work. Sit in the driver’s seat and make sure you’ve got a clear view out of all your windows and in all your mirrors. Also make sure all necessary seat belts are accessible.

Step 8:
Buckle up and hit the road. Happy driving!

More Handy Tips

• If you’ve got the time and a secure place to park, pack the night before. It always takes a little (or a lot) longer than you anticipate, and if you get it done, you’ll be more likely to depart on schedule.
  
• Don’t put anything on the back windowsill of your car. If you get in an accident, even something small could turn into a deadly projectile. How tragic would it be if you were actually killed by a bobblehead?
  
• If you’re using a rooftop carrier, never fill it more than eighteen inches high and never let it exceed a hundred pounds or you’ll increase your risk of rolling over on sharp turns.
  
• Wondering how much your car can safely haul? Open your door and read the sticker inside. It’ll tell you the maximum load.
  
• Fill your tires with air before you hit the road. Not only will it make for a safer ride, but you’ll also improve your gas mileage by more than 3 percent. Woo hoo!
  

3
Leading
•  •  •

Set a good example, even when no one is watching. Living honorably is as much for you as it is for those who look up to you
.

Soldier On
•  •  •

“Most of my missions in World War II were escorting bomber planes. We were just average Americans trying to protect our country. Being afraid will clutter up your mind. Your mind has to be clear.”

—B
ILL
H
OLLOMAN

H
OW TO
B
E
B
RAVE

Step 1:
Assess the situation. Before you tackle anything (or anyone), step back for a moment and rationally take in all necessary information. Whether you are giving your first public speech, walking alone at night in a dangerous forest (or city), fighting in a schoolyard (or international) conflict, you’ve got to be smart. Understand your surroundings, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have a clear objective.

Step 2:
Prepare yourself for greatness. There’s a reason “practice makes perfect” is an oft-repeated idiom. It’s actually true. Even seemingly insurmountable situations become doable if you’ve trained for them. The more you practice anything, the braver you’ll feel in the real situation.

Step 3:
Take action. Do, don’t think. Focus on the steps to achieving your goal and let your body carry you through. If you’ve prepared, it’ll know exactly what to do. Still having trouble quieting your mind? Replace those potentially paralyzing “what-ifs” with a new, more definitive mantra, like, “I can do this.”

Step 4:
Embrace your fear. Because it’ll trigger a release of adrenaline in your body, it’ll increase your heart rate, send blood to your muscles, and give you energy you never even knew you had. (Translation: It works way better than a Red Bull at slapping you awake.) So use your fear, and your body’s reaction to it, to your advantage, and know that it’s giving you everything you physically need to fight well or flee fast. Don’t be ashamed of being a little (or even a lot) scared, either. Bravery and fearlessness aren’t synonyms. Bravery means you fear and do it anyway. Besides, only fools (or liars) are never afraid.

Step 5:
Reach down. Connect your mission to your deeper beliefs—in humanity, love, freedom, nature, God, your family, whatever works for you. Remembering who you are and why you’re doing what you’re doing will embolden you. If you know in your heart that you are just and your cause is noble, you can pull from that belief, and it will make you brave.

More Handy Tips

• There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Sometimes the bravest thing to do is to step back from a situation and better prepare yourself so you tackle it wisely.
  
• A brave person seeks to elevate and honor, rather than diminish or degrade, those around him. If you try to prove your strength or fearlessness by hurting or bullying someone weaker than you, then you’re a coward, not a hero.
  
• Defend others. Sometimes standing up for someone else, merely thinking about his needs instead of your own, makes you a stronger person.