How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (19 page)

Thread the Needle
•  •  •

“You don’t really get a handle on most tasks until it looks like you’re doing them very easily. That’s one of the tricks of acquiring new skills: Do it, fix it, and then be confident that you can do it better again the next time when you need to.”

—F
RANK
W
ALTER

H
OW TO
S
EW A
B
UTTON

Step 1:
Gather your supplies. You’ll need a replacement button, a needle, about two feet of matching thread, and a pair of scissors.

Step 2:
Thread the needle, pulling one end of the thread through to meet the other. Knot the ends together by making a loop and pulling the tails through. Knot once more, and trim off any excess.

Step 3:
Locate your button’s proper spot by eyeballing where it was before it fell off. Look for either some old broken thread (and remove it) or a few tiny holes in the fabric from where the thread once was. If you can’t see where it should go, fasten your other buttons, pass a pin through the hole of the renegade, and mark that spot with chalk or pencil.

Step 4:
Push your needle up through the back of the fabric to the front, pulling the thread all the way through. Slide your button on down the thread to meet the fabric.

Step 5:
Once you’ve got your button in place and the holes lined up, push your needle down through the opposite hole (either diagonally or adjacently to match your other buttons) and out the back of the fabric. Repeat four times, pulling the thread tight enough so that your button doesn’t dangle but loose enough so that your fabric doesn’t pucker. If you have a four-hole button, switch hole-pairs and repeat.

Step 6:
For the finishing touch, push your needle up through the back of the fabric to the front but
not
through any buttonholes. Just let it dangle out the side. Pull your button away from the fabric and wrap your thread tightly around the shank (aka the thread between the button and fabric) six times.

Step 7:
Press your needle through the shank twice. Snip the thread—no need to knot.

Step 8:
Get dressed, feel proud, look like a million bucks.

More Handy Tips

• If you can’t find your missing button, check inside your shirt for replacement buttons. Manufacturers, at least the nice ones, will stash a few extras inside, usually along the side or bottom seam.
  
• If you lose a noticeable button, can’t find a replacement, and are just hanging in the wind, snip one from a less-conspicuous spot, like the very bottom of your shirt or a cuff—preferably one you’ll later roll up. That’ll buy you a little time to replace the button.
  
• If you’re sewing a button onto a thicker fabric, place a matchstick or toothpick on the button and sew over it to help you maintain the proper spacing. Then remove the spacer before winding the thread around the shank.
  

Put Your Best Foot Forward
•  •  •

“A lot of people did the spit shine in the marine corps because they didn’t have anything else to do. There was no TV, no books, no nothing, so the entertainment was to get a polish rag and spit-shine your shoes.”

—C
HUCK
T
ATUM

H
OW TO
S
HINE
S
HOES

Step 1:
Wipe down your kicks, especially the heel and sole, with a soft cotton cloth to remove all dust and dirt.

Step 2:
Wrap a soft cotton rag or old sock (ahem, a clean one) around your index and middle fingers.

Step 3:
Dip your rag into a cup of room-temperature water, dab it into your shoe polish, and dip it back into the water. It should be damp, not soaking.

Step 4:
Placing your opposite hand into the shoe for stability, start applying polish, tip-to-heel, using a tiny circular motion. Make several passes over the same small area before moving to the next.

Step 5:
After polishing the entire shoe, dampen a clean cloth and make one even pass over the shoe to prevent drops or streaks.

Step 6:
Allow the shoes to dry for ten minutes.

Step 7:
Buff both sides of each shoe with a horsehair polishing brush or a buffing cloth.

Step 8:
To enhance the shine, from a seated position, place the shoe between your knees. Holding panty hose or a buffing cloth with both hands, slide it back and forth over the toe. To be supercool, snap the cloth.

More Handy Tips

• If you get rock salt on leather shoes, add a tablespoon of vinegar to a cup of water; soak a cotton ball or paper towel in this, then use it to gently wipe the salt away. Allow the leather to dry before polishing.
  
• Buff scuffs with a dab of toothpaste and a moist rag. Wipe clean.
  

9
Loving
•  •  •

This is what life is all about. Get good at it
.

Channel Romeo
•  •  •

“I used to write love letters, but I had to get in the mood, you know? So I’d look in my big, thick quotation book and I’d find a special quote I liked. I’d put that into the letter and play around with it. As long as I can remember, I called her Mush. And I signed my letters, ‘Lovez ya, your JoJo.’ ”

—J
OE
T
OTH

H
OW TO
W
RITE A
L
OVE
L
ETTER

Step 1:
Put pen to paper. After all, it’s a love
letter
, not a love email or, for goodness’ sake, a love text, if such a thing exists (and for the record, it shouldn’t). Instead of reaching for your phone or laptop, reach for a nice, heavyweight unlined piece of paper and a black pen. Classic.

Step 2:
Address the letter. “Dear So-and-So” will be fine, but if you have a pet name for your beloved, now’s the time to use it.

Step 3:
Let your feelings flow. You know all those things you wanted to say in person but were too shy or scared to say? Now’s the time to let them out. Pour your heart out onto the paper without being too worried about how it reads. Let’s say you’re writing to a woman. Tell her why you’re writing her this letter, how she makes you feel, how you feel when you’re not with her, what qualities you love in her. (No, her boobs are not one of the qualities you should mention here.) Include those little things she does that make your heart race, like the way she laughs or smiles.

Step 4:
Close your letter. Sign it in a way that leaves your sweetie swooning. “With love” is fine, but “forever yours” is better.

Step 5:
Drop it in the mail, hold your breath, and wait for a response.

More Handy Tips

• Try to spell as best you can, but don’t be paralyzed by your words or your grammar. If the object of your affection is going to judge you on those things, and not on the emotion behind your words, you’re writing to the wrong person anyway.
  
• Don’t confuse love with lust. If your love letter reads like some sort of erotic wish list, go take a cold shower and try it again later.
  
• Don’t just send love letters when your beloved is far away. Leave one on your honey’s bedside table, slip one in her lunch bag, or drop one in the mail, even if you live together, whenever you feel inspired. It only takes a few minutes, and the payoff will be well worth it. A love letter will be more cherished than any other gift you could ever give, because opening up your heart to someone else takes courage and trust, and both are far more valuable than money.
  

Go Courting
•  •  •

“I met my wife at a neighborhood carnival. We got talking and then the next thing you know, we were sort of dating. I liked her right away. I used to walk two miles to go see her! I didn’t have no money, so I’d go over to her house and sit on her front porch. You couldn’t sit close, either! Her mother would look out the window.”

—A
L
S
ULKA

H
OW TO
P
LAN A
D
ATE

Step 1:
Be considerate. When deciding what to do, keep your date’s interests in mind. Don’t get baseball tickets for a ballet fan or plan a day of window-shopping for a nature lover. If you’re not sure what she likes yet, plan something neutral, like a dinner at an Italian restaurant or a picnic in the park. That way, you’ll have a chance to talk and learn more about each other.

Step 2:
Get creative. No one is going to dock you points for showing up with roses and having reservations at a fancy restaurant, but you might score bigger if you do something original: take a romantic boat ride, build a bonfire on the beach, cook a meal together. Not only will it make the date more memorable, but you’re also signaling that you’re one of a kind.

Step 3:
Dress up. Now that you’ve gotten some kind soul to agree to spend a few hours with you, prove to her that she made the right decision by cleaning up and dressing up. Looking sharp lets your date know you care.

Step 4:
Pick her up. Show up at her front door on time. No honking from your car or texting from the street.

Step 5:
Use good manners. Open doors. Walk beside her, and offer her your arm. Listen more than you talk. And keep the drinking to a minimum. Showing your respect, more than anything else, will ensure that you get another date soon.

Step 6:
Host with the most. Since you requested the date, be prepared to foot the bill for the evening. If she offers to chip in, tell her it’d be your privilege and pleasure to pay. It’s good manners, and it shows you’re invested. Maybe she’ll treat you next time.

Step 7:
Walk her to her door, thank her for the date, and—if all went well and the moment is right—go in for a quick kiss. You’ll know the moment is wrong if it seems like she can’t get in the door fast enough, she reaches out to shake your hand, or she’s holding her hand in front of her face, waving good-bye to you. You’ll know it’s right if she lingers a little too long or turns her mouth toward yours or you’ve both said good-bye and are still standing there staring at each other, smiling.

Step 8:
Follow up. Call her the next day, or the day after that, and if she answers, ask her out again.

More Handy Tips

• If you need to change the
  she
  s to
  he
  s, well, la-di-da. The same rules still apply.
  
• Make your date as interactive as possible. Going to a movie or concert can be fun, but it’s very difficult to get to know someone without talking for two hours. If you do plan a movie or concert date, at least have dessert afterward.
  
• A fancy date doesn’t guarantee a good date. You’ll be judged more by how much thought you put into planning it and how well you behaved when you were together than by the price tag of the evening. Fancy gifts are nice, if you can swing them, but if your honey is more impressed with your wallet than your will, search for another sweetheart.
  

Win Hearts
•  •  •

“I bought
her mother
a dozen roses. Boy, I made a lot of points with her.”

—J
OE
T
OTH

H
OW TO
B
UY
F
LOWERS

Step 1:
Plan ahead. If you want to bring a special someone flowers, don’t just pluck them from a neighbor’s yard or, worse, the flowerpot on the front porch. Instead, before you show up at the front door, stop by your local flower shop (or even just a corner store). When you arrive with flowers wrapped in pretty paper, it shows that you’re thoughtful and trying to make a good impression.

Step 2:
Choose a bouquet. If you’re not sure which kind of flowers to buy, go with what you like; if they all look pretty much the same to you, ask the shopkeeper for guidance. As a general rule, though, stay away from carnations and baby’s breath, unless you’re trying to stir up flashbacks from senior prom. Red roses are very meaningful, so if you’re just trying to brighten someone’s day and not promise your everlasting love, choose any colorful bunch: daisies, wildflowers, hydrangeas.

Step 3:
Speak in secret code, if you’d like. During Victorian times, every flower carried a certain message. If you want to add another layer of meaning to your gift, here are a few flowers and their significances:

Calla lilies:
“You are just so beautiful.”

Daisies:
“I love your sweet innocence.”

Daffodils:
“This is the start of something good.”

Lavender:
“Wishing you the best of luck!”

Lilacs:
“I think I’m falling in love with you—and I’ve never felt this way before.”

Peonies:
“Here’s to your good health and happiness.”

Red roses:
“I like you. Like, really really
really
like you.”

Pink roses:
“You are just so graceful.”

White roses:
“When I say, ‘I love you,’ you can trust I mean it.”

Yellow roses:
“Thanks for being my friend.”

Red tulips:
“I’ll love you forever.”

Violets:
“I’ll always be there for you.”

Step 4:
Make it a habit. Flowers shouldn’t just be hallmarks of a first date. They’re even more delightful if they’re unexpected. A bunch won’t cost you much more than ten or twenty bucks, and the smile on your sweetie’s face will be worth every penny.

More Handy Tips

• Flowers work after a date, too. Nothing says “I had a nice time” better than a sweet bouquet the day after with a nice note.
  
• Don’t have flowers delivered after a fight in hopes that they will make everything better. They might help, depending on your honey, but they’re not magic. If you’ve done something wrong, it’s up to you to make it right.
  
• If your honey has a green thumb, take her a plant instead. You’ll be able to watch it grow as your relationship grows, and no bunches will go to waste.