How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (22 page)

Live Strong
•  •  •

“Do everything in your power to feel good and be healthy. Everybody should be striving for that.”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
E
AT
H
EALTHY

Step 1:
Know where your food comes from. If it didn’t once walk, swim, or grow out of the ground, you probably shouldn’t eat so much of it. (And in case you’re wondering, no, Twinkies do not grow on trees.) Overdoing it with the highly processed foods, the kind with ingredients you can’t even pronounce, can only lead to weight gain or, worse, a ticker that eventually just stops tocking. Opt for real food whenever you can. Reach for a bowl of cherries rather than a cherry-flavored slurpee. Have a few pieces of cheese rather than a handful of Cheetos. You get the point, and soon enough you’ll find that the real stuff tastes better anyway, and it keeps you fuller longer, too.

Step 2:
Eat when you’re hungry. Not when you’re bored, anxious, or sad. Food is fuel, not entertainment.

Step 3:
Slow down. It takes twenty minutes for the stomach to tell the brain it’s full. Avoid overeating (and that sick stuffed feeling that comes with it) by putting your fork down (or at least taking a breath) between bites. Your food isn’t going anywhere, so take your time eating it, and stop when you feel satisfied. If you’re served much more than you can eat, you’re under no obligation to finish everything in front of you, and you don’t get a sticker if you do.

More Handy Tips

• Cook for yourself. That way you’ll know, and be in control of, exactly what you’re eating.
  
• Eating meat doesn’t make you manly, and eating salad doesn’t make you womanly. Everybody needs veggies, and lots of them, for a healthy body.
  
• If you’re confused about what’s healthy, try dunking your food in water. If it looks pretty much the same, eat it. If it looks like your dog puked it up, don’t. Think about it: Underwater carrots? Same. Chicken? Same. Apples? Same. Potato chips? Gross. Fruity Pebbles? Gross. Doritos? Oh, my God, so gross.
  

Meet Joe
•  •  •

“I like my coffee navy-style. You put an extra spoonful in. It’s a little stronger.”

—A
L
S
ULKA

H
OW TO
M
AKE A
G
OOD
C
UP OF
C
OFFEE

Step 1:
Put on your slippers, shuffle out to the kitchen, open your eyes halfway, and gather your supplies: a French press, some high-quality beans (locally roasted, if possible), a grinder, a kettle, a tablespoon, and your favorite mug.

Step 2:
Fill your kettle with water, and while you bring it to a boil, go brush your teeth, collect your newspaper, or do whatever else you need to do. Remove the kettle from the heat when it whistles.

Step 3:
Grind your beans for a few seconds. That’s all it takes for a press pot; otherwise, your coffee will be too fine, and it’ll slip through your pot’s mesh filter, leaving you with sludge. Your grounds should look like pebbly sand.

Step 4:
Measure out your ground coffee and toss it into your press pot. You’ll need about one tablespoon for every four ounces of water, more if you want a little hair on your chest.

Step 5:
Vigorously pour your hot water (now about 195 to 205 degrees) into your pot. As the steam rises up, breathe it in and think about how much you love coffee. After about a minute of daydreaming, give your pot a stir and then add the lid.

Step 6:
Wait three more minutes. Get your milk and sugar ready, if you need them.

Step 7:
Press the plunger, pour, beat your chest, and enjoy. Today is going to be a great day!

More Handy Tips

• Store your coffee beans in an airtight container at room temperature away from sunlight.
  
• No French press? Well, the coffee-to-water ratio is the same no matter what you use to brew. Your grind, however, will change. With an automatic pot, use a medium grind for flat-bottomed filters and a fine grind for cone-shaped ones. Use that same fine grind for stovetop espresso makers. Go extra-fine for an espresso machine.
  
• Burr grinders work better than blade grinders, which can create uneven grounds and therefore muddy coffee.
  
• Never reuse your coffee beans. Instead, toss them into your compost pile out back. They’ll help things grow.
  

Pump Iron
•  •  •

“A cast-iron skillet is an essential in every kitchen. Never wash it in soap and water. Cast iron is porous; it holds soapy water, and you can taste it. No soap, or you’ll kill my skillet! I’m the best cook in the world.”

—B
ILL
H
OLLOMAN

H
OW TO
S
EASON A
C
AST-IRON
S
KILLET

Step 1:
Look at your skillet admiringly. Give it some love, treat it right, and it’ll last you a lifetime.

Step 2:
Slick it up. Coat your skillet, inside and out, with vegetable oil or unflavored shortening. Use a paper towel to move the oil around and make sure you get into every nook and cranny. It’s going to get slippery, so don’t drop it on your toe!

Step 3:
Bake it. Place your skillet, upside down, on the top rack in a 350-degree oven for an hour. Place a cookie sheet on the bottom rack, in case any oil drips. When your timer beeps, turn off your oven, leaving the pan inside until it’s cool enough to handle.

Step 4:
Dry off your skillet, using a clean paper towel. Now it’s ready to go. Soon enough, your skillet will become the trustiest, non-stickiest pan in your entire kitchen arsenal.

More Handy Tips

• To clean, just rinse the pan with hot water right away, and then dry it immediately to prevent rust. Skip the soap, unless you like soapy-tasting food.
  
• If you burn something in your pan, pour coarse salt in it and scrub it with your dish brush. Remember, no soap.
  
• If your pan begins to rust, scrub it with steel wool and season it again.
  
• You can season your skillet as often as you like. It helps protect it from rust and creates a natural nonstick surface.
  
• Final quiz: What should you never wash your skillet with? Hint: It has four letters and rhymes with
  dope
  .
  

Give Sweet Rewards
•  •  •

“We could have ice cream anytime we wanted. We had an icehouse with big ice blocks. We’d take a grain sack out there and chisel a half a block of ice and throw it in the bag. Then we’d lay it on a rock and pound it with a baseball bat until it broke into small pieces. Then we’d get the eggs, the milk, and sugar, and take turns cranking it. During strawberry season, we’d put some of those in, too.”

—P
HILIP
S
POONER

H
OW TO
M
AKE
I
CE
C
REAM

Step 1:
In a medium bowl, mix 1½ cups of whole milk and ¾ cup of sugar, and whisk until the sugar dissolves. Stir in 1½ cups of heavy cream and 1 tablespoon of vanilla.

Step 2:
Add the mixture to your ice cream maker. If you have an electric one, well, fancy you! Check the manufacturer’s guidelines to see how much it can hold. Then turn it on, pour the allotted mixture into the frozen bowl, and let it do its work for about half an hour. If you’re doing it the old-fashioned way with a hand-crank machine, you’ll need to fill the can three-quarters of the way full with your ice cream mixture, set it in the bucket, and then fill the bucket with three parts crushed ice to one part rock salt. Turn the crank for about twenty to thirty minutes, until the ice cream freezes.

Step 3:
Let it ripen. Remove the dasher, or paddle, and pop your ice cream in the freezer for an hour or two more before serving.

More Handy Tips

• Once you’ve got this most basic recipe down, try variations. To make strawberry ice cream, omit the vanilla and add a box of washed, hulled, and crushed fresh strawberries to the mix before freezing. To make a creamier, custard-based ice cream, add eggs. That one’s a little more complicated, so do yourself a favor and go find a good ice cream recipe book.
  
• If you have leftover ice cream mixture, you may store it in the fridge for up to three days. Surely you’ll need to make another batch of ice cream by then!
  

Pour a Draft
•  •  •

“We made our root beer, or we’d go to the little root beer stand down the street, and for five cents we’d buy it in a cold frosty mug with the foamed-up head in there. Man, that was good!”

—B
UCK
B
UCHANAN

H
OW TO
M
AKE
R
OOT
B
EER

Step 1:
Gather your ingredients: 1½ teaspoons of root beer extract (available in some grocery stores, wine- and beer-making supply stores, and at various places online, like
www.zatarains.com
), 1 cup of sugar, ¼ teaspoon of yeast, warm water, and a two-liter bottle. Since the yeast will naturally carbonate your root beer, consider using a plastic bottle rather than a glass one. If you accidentally forget about it and the pressure builds up and it explodes (yes, it could happen), you won’t accidentally hurt anyone. Death by root beer would be so tragic.

Step 2:
Activate the yeast. Sprinkle your yeast into ½ cup of warm (but not hot!) water. (It should be about the same temp as your armpit—about ninety-eight degrees. Much hotter, and you’ll kill your yeast. Use a thermometer to test the temp, or just guess. Don’t try to stick your armpit under the water.) Stir, and let dissolve.

Step 3:
Add the good stuff. Pop a funnel into the top of your empty bottle and pour in the sugar and root beer extract. Then fill your bottle halfway with warm (but remember, not hot!) water, put the lid on, and shake to dissolve.

Step 4:
Add the bubbly stuff. Unscrew the lid, pop in your funnel again, and pour your yeast mixture into the bottle. That’s what’s going to make it bubbly. Then fill to the neck with warm (but not you-know-what) water, screw the lid on tightly, and shake.

Step 5:
Wait. Set your bottle in a dark, room-temperature closet for about three days until it carbonates. If you’re using a plastic bottle, give it a squeeze. If it’s soft, give it another day. If it’s hard, proceed to step 6.

Step 6:
Chill. Put your root beer in the fridge until cold, then pour into a frosty mug and gulp it down so fast that you get a foam mustache. That’s the only proper way to drink it.

More Handy Tips

• Make a homemade root beer float by adding a scoop of vanilla ice cream (see
  this page
  ) to it.
  
• Make a frosty mug by dunking one in water and then setting it in the freezer until you’re ready to use it.
  
• Home-brewed root beer contains trace amounts of alcohol, but only about one-twelfth the amount in the average beer. That’s not enough to worry about for most people, even little ones.
  
• To make cream soda, replace the root beer extract with vanilla.
  
• To make ginger ale, skip the root beer extract and add 1½ teaspoons of pureed fresh ginger and the juice of one lemon.
  
• No yeast handy, or you’re frightfully scared of explosions? Boil 1½ cups of water; stir in ¾ cup of sugar and 1½ teaspoons of root beer extract. Refrigerate, and add chilled club soda or seltzer before serving.