How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (24 page)

Get Laughs
•  •  •

“Tell a lot of jokes, and make people laugh. Tell jokes with double entendres. They’re subtle, so you’re always safe.”

—A
NGEL
R
ODRIGUEZ

H
OW TO
T
ELL A
C
LEAN
J
OKE

Step 1:
Memorize your joke. In fact, write it down and practice it a few times out loud, so you can master not only the words, but also your comic timing. You’ll get the hook if you start a joke and forget the details or the punch line. Get your material down pat before you take it out on the road. You can’t go wrong with this classic: “Did you hear about the man who went to the doctor with a carrot up his nose? The doctor says, ‘I know exactly what’s wrong with you. You’re not eating properly!’ ”

Step 2:
Know your audience. It doesn’t matter if
you
think a joke is funny. Your audience has got to think it’s funny, too. To be safe, stay away from anything offensive, which includes jokes about religion, gender, race, sexual orientation, or your pal’s sweetie or mama.

Step 3:
Deliver it. Once you start a joke, you’ve got to finish it. There’s no turning back. Keep a straight face, look your audience in the eye, and let ’er rip.

More Handy Tips

• Unless you’re hanging out with Bob Saget, never repeat an offensive joke, especially if the punch line is, “The aristocrats!”
  
• Only do an accent if you’re good at it. How to tell? Quick, say, “How to build a fire” in Scottish. Now, try Irish. Then, Australian. Finally, British. Do they all sound exactly the same, Indian or southern? Then no accents for you!
  
• Nobody laughed at your joke? Don’t sweat it. They probably won’t remember your joke anyway. They’ll just remember that you tried to brighten their day.
  

Blow Hard
•  •  •

“I’ve worn out dozens of harmonicas! I used to play once a month at a barn dance. An old lady would play the piano, an old fella would play the violin, his wife would play the drums, and I’d play harmonica. At some point, I’d even play a solo. The small ones make better music.”

—P
HILIP
S
POONER

H
OW TO
P
LAY THE
H
ARMONICA

Step 1:
Cup the harmonica. Most harmonicas have numbered holes, 1 through 10, with 1 being the lowest note and 10 being the highest. Hold the harmonica parallel to the ground so the numbers are on top and read 1 to 10, left to right. (If your harmonica doesn’t have numbers, make sure the low notes are on your left.) Now, using either hand, pinch the pads of your forefinger and thumb together, then open gently and slide your harmonica between them until it’s snug against the webbing on your hand. That’s it! If you want to create a vibrato sound with your harmonica, loosely curl the middle, ring, and pinkie fingers of your harmonica-holding hand behind the instrument to create a megaphone effect. Then use your opposite hand, palm facing up, to cup your first hand and create an airtight seal behind the harmonica. Wiggle that hand, if you want to get fancy.

Step 2:
Pucker up. Stand in front of the mirror and push your lips out as far from your face as you can without pursing them. If you look like a goldfish, then you’re doing it right. Next, place your harmonica inside, not on, your puckered lips, and try to blow through a single hole to get a single note. Keep practicing and adjusting your mouth until you get the seal right.

Step 3:
Breathe. Depending on whether you blow (exhale) or draw (inhale), you’ll hear a different note. Regardless of the direction of the air, you should always breathe from your diaphragm, not your throat or chest. Place one hand on your belly and practice playing one note, blowing and drawing. If your hand moves, you’ll know that you’re breathing correctly.

Step 4:
Practice. And then practice some more. And after that, guess what you need to do? Yep, practice a little longer. It takes a while to become a master, but you’ll get there in time. Here’s a song to get you started. The numbers correspond to the holes, and a minus (−) sign before a number means draw. Otherwise, blow.

More Handy Tips

• To bend your notes (or get all bluesy and slide them down by a half or whole step), you’ve got to actually change the air pressure in your mouth. It takes practice, so be patient. On holes 1 through 6, inhale and quickly drop your tongue into the bottom of your mouth as if you were saying “ee-oh.” On holes 7 through 10, exhale and do the same thing.
  
• Harmonicas go by many names. They’re also called Blues Harps, Blues Burgers, Mississippi Saxophones, Tin Biscuits, Toot Sweets, Fist Whistles, and Lickin’ Sticks. Feel free to call yours whatever you like, even, um, Monica.
  
• For free harmonica tabs, visit
  www.harptabs.com
  .
  

Puff Up
•  •  •

“Part of smoking a pipe is relighting it. While you’re thinking of an answer you’re going to give to someone else, light that pipe, take a couple of puffs, and
then
give your answer. That makes you look smart.”

—B
UCK
B
UCHANAN

H
OW TO
S
MOKE A
P
IPE

Step 1:
Choose your pipe. They range in price from a few bucks to a few thousand bucks, but the right pipe for you is simply one you love, whether it’s made of corncob, wood (usually briar), a calabash gourd, or meerschaum, which looks like white soapstone. Just hold a few different types in your hand and see which one feels best.

Step 2:
Pack it. Take each pinch of fresh tobacco and gently roll it between your fingers to check the moisture content. (If it’s too wet-feeling, set your pinch on a napkin or in a bowl and let it dry out for a while while you make yourself an Old-Fashioned; see
this page
.) Then add your tobacco to your pipe in three passes. First, sprinkle it in the bowl, level off the top, and, using a tamper, gently press it down so it only fills about a third of the bowl. Repeat: Sprinkle, level, and tamp so the tobacco now fills two-thirds of the bowl. Repeat one last time: Sprinkle, level, tamp so the tobacco is springy and even with the bowl. Now take a test draw. If you feel air swooshing into your mouth, it’s correctly packed. If it feels like you’re sucking a thick milk shake through a tiny straw, it’s packed too tightly; dump your tobacco and try again. Your goal: looser tobacco on the bottom, firmer tobacco on top.

Step 3:
Light it. Just as it took three passes to pack your pipe, it’ll take you three passes to light it, too. Place your pipe in your mouth, strike a wooden match, and pass the flame around and around over your tobacco as you take several short puffs. You’ll notice your tobacco expand and unravel. This is called a false or charring light, and it’ll help your tobacco burn evenly. Allow the fire to go out, and very gently tamp down your tobacco until it’s again even with the bowl. Repeat once more.

Step 4:
Puff it. Light your pipe once more, extinguish your match, take a draw, sit back, and enjoy the flavor. Pipe smoke is meant to be sipped and savored, not swallowed, so do not inhale. Keep your matches handy, and relight it as necessary.

More Handy Tips

• Pipe cleaners aren’t just for crafts. They’re actually made to clean pipes. Run one through yours between each smoke.
  
• To keep a briar pipe shiny, rub it alongside your nose while the pipe is still warm. Sounds weird, but the oil in your skin will help give it a nice finish.
  
• If your pipe keeps going out, you’ve probably packed it too tightly. Ease up next time.
  
• Always let the sulfurous tip of the match burn off before putting the flame to your tobacco.
  
• If the smoke burns your mouth, you’re sucking too fast. Go easy.
  
• Pipe smoking may make you look smart, but it doesn’t actually make you smart. It can cause cancer, duh. If you do decide to do it, do it only in moderation.
  

Spot It
•  •  •

“You have to be very bright to play dominoes. I was a domino champion. It’s a good way to pass the time without getting into trouble.”

—A
NGEL
R
ODRIGUEZ

H
OW TO
P
LAY
D
RAW
D
OMINOES

Step 1:
Shuffle the bones. Using a set that goes up to double-sixes (six dots, or pips, on each side), lay your dominoes facedown on a table and mix them up. Then select your hand, keeping it hidden from the other players. With two players, each person chooses seven dominoes. With three or four players, each chooses five dominoes. The unchosen dominoes remain facedown on the table in what is known as the boneyard. Mwah-ha-ha!

Step 2:
Play the game. The person with the highest double, say double-sixes, lays down that domino first, and play proceeds clockwise. The next player must lay down a domino with at least one matching number on it. In this case, let’s say he plays a six–two, or a domino with six pips on one side and two on the other. Position this domino so it’s perpendicular to the double-six, and the six-end is touching the double-six and the two-end is sticking out. If the second player doesn’t have a matching domino, he must draw from the boneyard until he finds and plays one. The next player may now play off
either
open end of the two dominoes. In this case, he may play off the other side of the double-six or the two-end of the six–two. If he plays off the two-end, let’s say with a two–three (two pips on one side, three on the other), he should lay it down end-to-end with the six–two so the twos match up. If he plays a double-two, he should lay it down perpendicular to the six–two.

Step 3:
Win the round. The round ends when one player plays all his dominoes or play is blocked and no player can go.

Step 4:
Score the round. Each pip is worth a point, so at the end of the round, each player should count the number of pips in his hand. The player with the fewest pips, or points, wins the round. His score for the round is the sum of all the other players’ hands, minus any points in his own. The game is usually played to one hundred points.

More Handy Tips

• If you don’t have a matching domino and the boneyard is empty, play passes over you.
  
• When you play your last domino, call “Domino!” to end the game.
  
• Play your doubles whenever you can. Doing so cuts down on your opponent’s options.
  
• If it’s that kind of game, and you’re having fun, slam your dominoes on the table to faux-intimidate your opponent.