How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (20 page)

Be a Gentleman
•  •  •

“Chivalry is important. You want to make an impression on another person. Demonstrate your respect.”

—B
UCK
B
UCHANAN

H
OW TO
B
E
C
HIVALROUS

Step 1:
Have good manners. This means doing the most basic things to make your honey comfortable. Open doors, let her exit the elevator first, lend a hand over a puddle, pull out her chair, help her with her coat, and offer to carry any heavy bags.

Step 2:
Stand by her side. Never walk in front of your companion, expecting her to catch up when she can. Instead, offer her your arm and walk alongside her. In tight spots, tip your head, gesture with your hand, and say, “After you.” She’ll go crazy for it. (And you get to walk behind her, too, which is awesome if she’s your date.)

Step 3:
Put her needs first. Don’t worry about how much fun you’re having at every moment. Instead, make sure she feels comfortable and happy, and you’ll both be sure to have a good time.

Step 4:
Keep your word. If you say you’ll be somewhere at seven o’clock, be there at seven. If you are going to be late, call. Your word is your honor. Protect its worth.

More Handy Tips

• Chivalry extends from your personal relationships to your professional ones. It’s not so much about opening doors for women as about the way you are in the world. Strive to treat all others with respect, be loyal and trustworthy, and have the courage to express yourself in every part of your life.
  
• If your beloved is strong and independent-minded, that’s awesome—but it’s not your free ticket to lazy land. She still wants to be treated with respect, consideration, and affection. If you’re lucky, she’ll treat you the same way, too.
  

Find the One
•  •  •

“My friend and I were talking about who would be your favorite wife? I said I’d marry Sandy Nussel and worry about falling in love with her later. She was so beautiful, and I admired her all through high school. A week later, I got a postcard from her. We went to dinner and then to the ball game. Two dates later, I proposed, and she said yes! That was in June or July and we got married that November. It was a quick courtship, but when you know you know. And how! I picked her up and we went to have a bite to eat. We just sat there looking at each other and we couldn’t even find words. We couldn’t even breathe. I feel it now even.”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
K
NOW
W
HEN TO
T
AKE THE
P
LUNGE

Step 1:
Find a nice one. Attraction certainly helps, but if you’re looking for a runway model with an MBA who moonlights as both a chef and stand-up comic, then you might be looking an awfully long time. Remember, you’re marrying a real person, not a lead in a romantic comedy. Find someone who is kind, caring, loyal, and, above all, makes you feel like a better version of yourself.

Step 2:
Fall in love. This part happens naturally, but it’s up to you to recognize it when it does. Unlike lust, which is wonderful but short-lived, love lasts and is undeterred by bad haircuts, bad habits, failed diets, lost jobs, or difficult in-laws. In fact, love makes all the good times that much better and all the bad times less painful. Can you imagine your life without this person? If not, congrats: You’re in love. If so, it’s back to the dating pool with you. When you find someone you not only want, but need, to be with, whom you enjoy and respect, and who makes your world suddenly seem full of possibility, that’s love. When you feel it, you’ll know you want to hang on to it.

Step 3:
Wait for the right moment. There’s no rush. Starting a life with someone else is easier if you have a good education, a decent job, and a place to live, but only you will know when the time is right. Do what feels comfortable for you.

More Handy Tips

• Match up. Similar values, faiths, goals, and interests help a relationship thrive. If you don’t share these things, you should at least share a healthy appreciation of each other’s core beliefs.
  
• If you found a nice one, fell in love, and the moment is right, then spring for the ring. She’ll have it forever, so make it a beauty. But if she’s more concerned with the size of the rock than the size of your heart, go back to step 1.
  

Make Love Last
•  •  •

“We kiss every night. Every night before you go to bed, you’ve got to kiss.”

—J
OE
T
OTH

H
OW TO
K
INDLE
R
OMANCE

Step 1:
Set aside one night every month (more frequently, if you can swing it) and make it known to your honey that it’s “your night.” Raise expectations by marking it on your calendar and talking up the evening (preferably while wiggling your eyebrows up and down).

Step 2:
Eliminate distractions. Send the kids off to a friend’s or relative’s house for the night. Turn off the television, shut down your computer, and silence the phones. Showing your honey that he or she is a priority and that there’s nowhere else you’d rather be in the world is a big turn-on.

Step 3:
Set the mood according to your sweetie’s taste. Punk rock and Pabst Blue Ribbon may put many more stars in her eyes than, say, Billie Holiday and bubbly. Don’t get saddled by convention. And don’t think you have to get too baum-chicka-baum-baum, either. Just find something that suits you both. Or take turns. There’s nothing wrong with beer one night and champagne the next.

Step 4:
Activate your senses. That may mean enjoying a delicious meal, taking a bath, giving a backrub, or wink, wink, slipping into something a little more comfortable. A short warning: Remember that the sole purpose of the evening is not to simply eat dinner. Take care not to overindulge, in food or drink, lest your stomach steal the spotlight from your sweetie.

Step 5:
Surely, dear reader, you can figure this one out on your own. And if you can’t, wait a few years and try again. It will come to you.

More Handy Tips

• Trade planning duties. You take charge one night, and allow your honey to plan the next. If she’s stumped, tell her what you like. That way, you’ll both feel catered to and cared for.
  
• Be flexible. Expectations can bring pressure, so just be loose. Even if the evening doesn’t go exactly as planned, it’ll still be time together, which is valuable no matter what happens.
  

Rockabye Baby
•  •  •

“My son had his days and nights mixed up, so I used to sing to him to put him to sleep. ‘Send me a letter, send it by mail, send it in care of Birmingham jail.’ ”

—A
L
S
ULKA

H
OW TO
H
OLD A
N
EWBORN

Step 1:
Give him support. While leaning over your baby as far as you can, gently slide one hand, fingers spread, under his head and neck and the other hand, fingers spread, under his tush. Since his little neck isn’t yet strong enough to support his head, you’ve got to do it for him.

Step 2:
Slowly scoop him up toward your body so his tiny body, head included, rests on your chest, and then straighten yourself up.

Step 3:
Cradle him in your arms. Always supporting his head, gently lay him down in your arm, so his head is resting in the crook of your elbow and his bottom is snug in your hand. Use the other hand to give him extra support and cuddles.

More Handy Tips

• Newborns startle very easily. Before picking up a baby, talk to him and gently rub his back or belly for a few seconds.
  
• Be smooth, never sudden or jerky, with your actions, or you’ll have a crying baby on your hands.
  
• If you’re a nervous wreck, just stay calm and know that it’s up to you to make the infant feel secure and warm. And don’t hand him off at the first whimper, or you’ll never learn. The more you become comfortable holding him, the more he’ll become comfortable being held by you. Stick with it.
  

Scoop Poop
•  •  •

“Get everything ahead of time. Once you start, you can’t let up too much.”

—P
HILIP
S
POONER

H
OW TO
C
HANGE A
D
IAPER

Step 1:
Gather your supplies. You’ll need a new diaper, some wipes, and ointment, if necessary.

Step 2:
Lay the baby down on a clean, flat surface, and talk to her. Just because you’re doing dirty work doesn’t mean it’s not a great time to bond. Besides, it’s much easier changing the diaper of a calm baby than a crying baby.

Step 3:
Unfasten the dirty diaper, and take a peek at what happened inside.

Step 4:
Gently lift the baby’s bottom by carefully grasping both of her ankles with one hand, remove the wet diaper, and lower her down. If, however, she is a stinko mess, fold the diaper in half, so the clean outside of the front is directly under her tush before lowering her. It’ll save you from having to clean your changing table, too.

Step 5:
Clean the baby’s bottom, using a clean, moist wipe. Wipe girls from front to back to prevent infection. (Wipe boys all over.) Apply any diaper rash cream, if your baby’s bottom is red or irritated.

Step 6:
Lift the baby once more, same way, and slide the new diaper underneath, making sure the sticky tabs are behind her facing up.

Step 7:
Fasten the diaper by folding the front half toward her belly, and affixing the tabs to it. It should be snug, but not tight.

More Handy Tips

• Never leave your baby unattended on a changing table, and always keep one hand on her so she doesn’t roll off.
  
• If the baby still has an umbilical cord, fold the front of the diaper down, so it’s not pressing on the cord.
  
• Keep a toy nearby in case your baby needs a little extra distraction.
  
• If you’re changing a boy, wear swimming goggles or, better yet, keep a clean washcloth handy to avoid accidental spurts. Also, point his wee down before closing the diaper, so he’ll stay dry.
  

Tuck In
•  •  •

“Respect your children. Don’t make fun of them if they’re scared. Instead, give them a kiss, and they’ll feel happy. Do it with love. If you yell at them, they’ll never get over their fears.”

—A
NGEL
R
ODRIGUEZ

H
OW TO
B
ANISH
M
ONSTERS UNDER THE
B
ED

Step 1:
Understand his fears. You may not see any green, fire-breathing, horned creatures with huge teeth lurking in your kid’s room, but these monsters can feel very real to your frightened tot. Don’t disregard or belittle his fear. Just telling him that monsters don’t exist isn’t enough.

Step 2:
Take his viewpoint. It may be helpful to crawl in bed with your tot once and see the darkened room as he does, so you can carefully explain to him what every strange shape and shadow is. You don’t want to indulge him, but you might even say something like, “Oh, now I can see how you might think that’s something scary, but look, it’s only your dresser.” He’ll feel understood and protected, too.

Step 3:
Find the source. Go over the day in your head, and try to figure out what your child saw or heard that might’ve scared him. It could’ve been a character in a book, something he saw on TV, or even a story he overheard. If you can pinpoint the root of his fear, you can eliminate it.

Step 4:
Change his perceptions. If your tot is obsessed with monsters, read him a book about big, cuddly, friendly monsters, so he has a positive image with which to replace his fear. Or one afternoon, have him imagine and draw what his monster best friend might look like and list all the ways he (and his furry friends) are nice.

More Handy Tips

• Unless you want a regular nighttime visitor, don’t invite your child into your bed with you. Calm him down, but let him fall asleep again in his own bed.
  
• As your child gets older, he may begin to fear real threats: fires, earthquakes, burglars. Reassure him as best you can by telling
  and
  showing him all the ways he’s safe.