How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (14 page)

Stay Cool
•  •  •

“There’s no question that I have a temper, but it must not be at the top of my head, because I’ve very seldom been that angry. The few times in my life I did lose it, I got angry with myself afterward. To lose control of yourself is a stupid thing to do.”

—J
OE
B
ABIN

H
OW TO
C
ONTROL YOUR
T
EMPER

Step 1:
Chill out. It’s healthy to get angry sometimes, but if you find yourself filled with rage or tempted to hurt, physically or emotionally, the people around you, check yourself. Before doing something you will no doubt regret, take a deep breath and count to ten. If that doesn’t release some steam, remove yourself from the situation. Take a walk (or run), go to your room and shut the door, head to the movie theater for whatever’s playing, or crack open a notebook and get your feelings on paper.

Step 2:
Express yourself. Sometimes you’ll find that stepping away from the situation helps give you perspective. Once you’ve figured out what it is exactly that made you so angry, calmly and rationally explain that to the person who upset you. Even though you may be tempted to rattle off a list of all the ways this person wronged you throughout history, stick only to the issue at hand. And rather than talk about what he did, talk about how you feel. Making accusations won’t help you, since your goal is to extinguish your anger, not fuel it.

Step 3:
Find solutions. Work together to find a resolution that suits you both. If it’s an apology you need, just ask for it.

More Handy Tips

• Whenever you feel your blood pressure start to spike, try visualizing yourself in a calm and peaceful place. It sounds a little dippy, but it does work.
  
• Practice forgiveness. Holding a grudge only infects your own heart and head with negative thoughts. Letting go of your anger doesn’t mean you’re excusing the other person’s misdeed. It just means you’re making room for yourself to heal.
  

Do It
•  •  •

“I think inner strength has to be built in. You can’t rent it. No one can tell you how to get it. It’s an inner feeling of being a survivor and surviving. I think all people have it, but some people exercise it more than others.”

—C
HUCK
T
ATUM

H
OW TO
F
IND
S
ELF
-D
ISCIPLINE

Step 1:
Take control. Sure, some of what happens to you in life is beyond your power, but all the other stuff? Yep, it’s on you, buddy. It is your life, after all. Your dreams. So, either chase them with all your might, or let ’em slip away. Take responsibility for your own life.

Step 2:
Change your mind. You have to think of self-discipline as things you
get
to do for yourself, not things you
have
to do. Otherwise, it’s just a drag. So think,
I get to build muscle today
(and pound your chest), not,
Aw, I hafta go to the gym again. Poor me
(snivel). Think,
I get to knock their socks off at work today
(and wink at yourself in the mirror), not,
Poor me, I hafta be there eight more hours
(and pick your nose).

Step 3:
Know what you want. For example, if you want to get a raise, you sometimes have to skip after-work drinks with your buddies in order to put in a few extra hours at the office. That’s discipline. If you want to win the game, you need to go to bed an hour or two earlier the night before rather than staying up late playing Mortal Kombat. That’s discipline. If you want to write a bestselling novel, you will have to sit alone at your computer and write, rather than hang out with your pals at a coffee shop, jawing about how great your book will be. That’s discipline. To find it, you’ve got to know yourself and think big picture. Getting a raise isn’t just about dollars and cents; it’s about power and security. Winning a game isn’t just about victory; it’s about strength and confidence. Once you figure out what you really want, you’ll be better equipped to go after it.

Step 4:
Set small goals—and meet them. Summoning your willpower will get easier and easier every time you do it successfully, so make it easy on yourself from the get-go. Set small, realistic, daily or weekly goals that get you pointing in the right direction. Write them down, even, and cross them off. Once you achieve your little goals, it’ll be easier to keep going. You successes will become part of who you are.

Step 5:
Reward yourself. Check in on your goals regularly and see how you’re doing. If you slipped up, try again. If you achieved them, treat yourself in some way. You want to feel proud of your accomplishments. Plus, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, right?

More Handy Tips

• Ask your friends for help if you need it, but don’t ask for their approval. Self-discipline comes from what’s inside you, not what’s inside them.
  
• If you slip, that’s okay. Everybody has moments of weakness, and it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Just don’t give up. You only fail if you quit trying. Next time will be easier.
  

6
Bonding
•  •  •

You have to be a friend to have a friend
.

Get a Grip
•  •  •

“A good handshake is important. It’s the sincerity of it that matters. If I shake hands with a man and his hand is limp, I think of a saying I learned: ‘Indifference is the opposite of love.’ A limp handshake is an expression of indifference. I’m not impressed by that person.”

—B
UCK
B
UCHANAN

H
OW TO
S
HAKE
H
ANDS

Step 1:
Greet the person. Approach him head-on, smile, and say hi before extending your hand. Otherwise, he may not see or hear you and you could be left hanging. Embarrassing!

Step 2:
Extend your right hand, palm open, thumb pointing up. In this most symbolic of gestures, you’re offering your friendship by meeting in the middle.

Step 3:
Get a grip. Once you grasp hands, palm-to-palm, thumb-to-thumb, wrap your fingers around his hand firmly, look him in the eye, and shake once or twice.

More Handy Tips

• If you want to convey extreme warmth or empathy, add your left hand to the shake by placing it on top of your friend’s hand or on his arm.
  
• Eye contact is so important. If you can’t look your acquaintance in the eye, he’ll think you’re sketchy. And if he can’t look you in the eye, don’t trust him.
  
• A handshake is a sign of friendship, not domination. Be confident in your grip, but don’t try to break the bones in your pal’s hand. Shake hands as you live: gentle, firm, and true.
  

Meet Up
•  •  •

“Every one of us has a sign on our chest. It’s invisible but always there. It says,
MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL
. If you do that, if you make each person around you feel special, you’ll be successful.”

—F
RANK
W
ALTER

H
OW TO
I
NTRODUCE
P
EOPLE

Step 1:
Figure out who has the higher rank or level of authority. You’ve got all of a split second to make your choice, so don’t dilly-dally. Your boss, for example, trumps your buddy. Your lover trumps your neighbor. If it’s unclear, pick whoever is older.

Step 2:
Name the more distinguished party, and present to him the underparty. Include any relevant information he might like to know. “Mr. President, may I present Ward Cleaver, my neighbor.” You can also substitute “have you met” for “may I present.” On less formal occasions, feel free to simply say both parties’ names back-to-back. “David Starsky, Ken Hutchinson.”

Step 3:
You’re finished! No need to do the reverse introduction or repeat names. Your peeps already have all they need to know.

More Handy Tips

• If you’re introducing one person to a group, address the person closest to you and present the newcomer to her. Then move around the group, simply naming each of the members.
  
• Try to avoid making statements such as “You must meet” or “Please shake hands with.” No one likes being told what to do.
  
• If there’s a strained silence after you make the introduction, help your friends along by letting them know what they have in common—but keep it flattering. Rather than “Harry, have you met Ron? I think you both went through very awkward teenage years.” Say, “Harry, have you met Ron? I think you both went to the same school.”
  

Pal Around
•  •  •

“No man is meant to be an island. What is life other than living and getting along with your friends and appreciating your friends and their successes and being with them when they need help? What’s the sense of living if you aren’t doing that?”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
B
E A
G
OOD
F
RIEND

Step 1:
Be true to yourself. It doesn’t make sense to radically change who you are in order to get someone else to like you. If you’re a liberal, don’t don your Revolutionary War costume and expect to find your best mate at a Tea Party. If you’re a folksinger, don’t deck yourself out in Ed Hardy and head to the Jersey Shore. Instead, get to know (and love) who you are, and be a good friend to yourself first.

Step 2:
Keep your word. If you tell your friend you’ll be somewhere, be there. Honor your commitments, even if something supposedly better comes along. After all, if you can’t count on your friends, who can you count on?

Step 3:
Earn trust. If your friend confides in you, keep it to yourself (unless his safety is at stake). If someone is dissing him, have his back. And never, under any circumstances, make your friend look or feel bad in front of others, even if you’re just joking. Loyal friends champion and protect one another.

Step 4:
Make time. Be the first to call. Help out as much as you can. And don’t keep score of who did (or didn’t do) what for whom. In friendship, the more you give, the more you get.

Step 5:
Try to understand. There will be times in life when your friend gets distracted, say, by a new job, a new love, a new baby, or a new motorcycle, and spends less time with you. Don’t begrudge him the other things in his life, especially if they are making him happy. Trust that your pal will come back around, and when he does, welcome him easily.

More Handy Tips

• If you find yourself talking more than you’re listening, shut your mouth and open your ears.
  
• Loners are cool in the movies, but in real life they’re just, well, often lonely. If you find yourself in a new city, job, or stage of life, and realize you’re standing alone, concentrate on being the sort of guy who is a good friend. Friends will soon follow.
  
• You may have many acquaintances, but true friends are rare. If you find one, invest in the relationship, and it’ll reward you for a lifetime.
  

Jump In
•  •  •

“It takes a little bit of nerve every once in a while. When you see your chance, do it. If someone needs a player, just go. But if both teams are full, you’re banging your head against the door.”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
J
OIN A
P
ICKUP
G
AME

Step 1:
Come ready to play. If you know of a particular court or field where games spontaneously happen, show up dressed and ready for action. Bring your own ball, too. Either it’ll be your ticket in, or—if they already have one—you can use it to entertain yourself on the sidelines (and show off your skills) until it’s time to jump in.

Step 2:
Engage. Longing looks won’t get you on the team. Speak up and ask the captain (or whoever looks friendliest) if anyone needs another player.

Step 3:
Wait around. Oftentimes, a team will need a sub if another player gets pooped, injured, or called home early. Seize the moment. Ask the departing player if you can take his spot, announce the roster change, and then hit the field!

More Handy Tips

• The more eager you are to play, the more likely it is you’ll get to. Don’t stand on the sidelines, texting your friends. Instead, cheer good plays and be ready to grab the ball if it goes out of bounds.
  
• If at first you don’t succeed, come back tomorrow (a little earlier, this time) and try again.