How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (13 page)

Go Grizzly
•  •  •

“The first time I grew a beard was in college. Two other guys and I got in my ’48 Studebaker and drove to Alaska on a dirt highway to get a high-paying construction job. We got there a week late, and the only jobs we could get were as gandy dancers on the railroad, pulling out old ties and driving spikes. I grew a great beard. I thought I looked great. I felt more manly.”

—B
UCK
B
UCHANAN

H
OW TO
G
ROW A
B
EARD

Step 1:
Make a vow now. The most difficult part of growing a rug on your face is enduring that awkward phase between being clean-shaven and realizing your full Paul Bunyan potential. It takes a good, solid four to six weeks to get to the point where you’ll look decent. Put your razor under lock and key and only reach for it in case of absolute emergency (say, your boss threatens to fire you, or your sweetie threatens to never kiss you again).

Step 2:
Prepare some comebacks. During the growth phase, everyone (and his mother) will act as if their eyes have fallen out of their heads and ask you, incredulously, “Are you growing a beard?” The accent may be on the “
you
,” implying that you’re not man enough to have facial hair, or on “
beard
,” implying that you’re not crazy enough to have facial hair. Don’t be swayed by their comments. Simply rub your whiskers and say, “Don’t make me sic my big blue ox on you.”

Step 3:
Monitor the patterns. Due to circumstances beyond his control, not every man is blessed with perfectly even facial hair. As your whiskers grow in, you may notice a few areas on your face where the hair is thinner or nonexistent. Dems the breaks. If your cheeks are bald, opt for a goatee instead. If your chin is hairless, how about a biker ’stache? No lip hair? Try an Amish-style beard, son.

Step 4:
Shape your beard. After four to six weeks have passed and you’re rocking your Paul Bunyan, reclaim your razor and shape your neckline. Draw an imaginary line about an inch above your Adam’s apple, angled slightly upward to meet the hairline on the back of your neck. Shave anything below that line. Unless your beard is obstructing your vision or someone mistakes you for Chewbacca, your cheeks are probably all right as they are.

Step 5:
Groom it. Shampoo and condition your facial hair just as you do the hair to the north, or, if you want to get fancy, use a special beard wash. Then comb it every day and trim it once or twice a week with a beard trimmer to avoid being mistaken for one of the ZZ Top guys.

More Handy Tips

• Check your beard after any meal or snack. There’s nothing more off-putting than looking at a guy with potato chips or arugula suspended in his facial hair.
  
• Start your beard on vacation. Not only do you not have to worry about packing your shaving kit, but you won’t be bothered by people asking you what you’re doing.
  
• Consider growing one for winter. It’ll help protect your face from the wind and chill.
  
• When your skin gets itchy—and, oh, it will at first—calm it with moisturizer.
  
• Beards are great ways to reinvent yourself. Al Gore grew one after losing the 2000 Supreme Court decision, and he went on to win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Academy Award. Imagine what you can do with some facial hair!
  

Curl Up
•  •  •

“When I graduated from flight school, I grew my mustache. It made me look like [actor] Robert Taylor. The ladies were falling all over themselves for him, and I didn’t have good looks, so I thought I’d go the next route.”

—B
ILL
H
OLLOMAN

H
OW TO
W
AX A
M
USTACHE

Step 1:
Buy some wax, matching its color to the color of your ’stache. If you’re just shaping the ends of your mustache, a soft wax will do. If the whole thing is growing into your mouth and you’re starting to look like a walrus, first of all, ew! Second of all, opt for a stiff wax to strongly encourage your lip hair to grow sideways.

Step 2:
Dab it on. Squeeze a smidge on your finger and smooth it on your mustache, starting just beneath your nose and working your way out to the sides. Add more wax, as needed.

Step 3:
Comb it out. Using a very fine-tooth comb, work your wax through your mustache from the center outward so the hair above your lip is parallel, not perpendicular, to your lip. Wait a few minutes for your wax to set before proceeding to step 4.

Step 4:
Curl the ends. Once you’ve gotten the wax all the way to the ends of your mustache and it’s just beginning to stiffen up, pinch your hair together and, if you’d like, gently twist it. Then shape the ends as you desire. Pull them straight up to go for the Salvador Dalí look. Wrap them tightly around a pencil (and then, of course, remove the pencil) to look like Snidely Whiplash, the villain on
The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
. Or channel President Taft and gently guide them into an elegant swoosh.

More Handy Tips

• If you’re using a stiff wax, it helps to warm it between your index finger and thumb before applying.
  
• If your mustache is short except for the very ends, you may wax just the ends.
  
• Refrain from winding the ends of your mustache between your fingers all day. You’ll not only annoy the people around you but also weaken your hair, putting your hard-earned handlebar in jeopardy.
  

Look Trim
•  •  •

“A good barber is one who does a good job that leaves you satisfied. After a while, he’ll remember your cut and proceed to do it the same way it’s always done. The conversation? That’s just to pass the time.”

—J
OE
B
ABIN

H
OW TO
G
ET A
H
AIRCUT

Step 1:
Find a good, old-fashioned barber, who can wield his clippers as nimbly as scissors and who will charge reasonably for it. If you’re too shy to ask a friend (or any handsome stranger) where he goes for a cut, then look for that telltale striped pole on the street, stake out the shop, and take a few minutes to watch who comes and goes. Are the “afters” better than the “befores”? Is the joint hopping, or does the barber look bored? You want a friendly, busy, neatly dressed barber, not a loner with no customers or a slob who pays little attention to detail.

Step 2:
Give good instructions. Once you hop in the chair, be clear about what you want. Tell him how much you’d like off the sides and top, where you like your part, whether or not you’d like any layers, and what you’d like to do with your sideburns and the back. (Unless you’re getting a buzz cut, ask him to follow the natural hairline on your neck; get it squared off only if you’re going supershort.) He may do it on his own, but if he doesn’t, ask him to snip off any stragglers from your ears and eyebrows. Your ears should be bald, and your eyebrows should lie flat. If you can braid the hair on either, it’s too long.

Step 3:
Shoot the breeze. Getting a haircut at a barbershop is as much of a social outing as it is a grooming ritual. Make conversation. The game, the local news, your or his family are all within bounds. Steer clear of politics or religion, unless you already know that you agree. After all, he’s wielding the snippers, which gives him the power to make you look like a stud or dweeb. You don’t want to tick him off.

Step 4:
Check his progress. Don’t wait until the end of the cut to look at what he’s doing. He wants to make you happy, so you’ll be a repeat customer. Set him up for success by speaking up and telling him whether you’d like a little more or a little less off as he works.

Step 5:
Pay up. Hand over his fee, plus a 15 to 20 percent tip if you were happy with the experience. Look him in the eye to thank him, and shake hands before you leave. He’ll be more likely to remember you, and your cut, when you return.

Step 6:
Repeat as necessary. You’ll probably need a cut at least every four to six weeks. If you were happy with his work, go back to your same guy and ask for the usual. Before you know it, you’ll be buds.

More Handy Tips

• Some barbers will also give shaves. It sounds a little terrifying to have another man drag a straight razor along your throat, but do it at least once in your life. You won’t be sorry.
  
• If you know exactly what style you’d like, bring in a picture. If you tell him you want a Don Draper or a cut like the teacher on
  Glee
  , he’ll likely have no idea what you’re talking about. Make it easy for him.
  

Drive ’em Wild
•  •  •

“I love cologne! Of course, expensive cologne is better than cheap cologne. I put a lot on, and I feel good, but my wife doesn’t like when I wear too much. She waves her hands in front of her nose.”

—A
NGEL
R
ODRIGUEZ

H
OW TO
W
EAR
C
OLOGNE

Step 1:
Understand the purpose. You know how when your uncle Vernon comes to visit you he calls when he’s getting close to alert you of his impending arrival? Well, your cologne should not serve the same purpose in your life, announcing your arrival fifteen minutes ahead of time. Unless another person is standing close enough to kiss you, he or she should not be able tell that you’re wearing any scent at all.

Step 2:
Choose your scent. Go for something fresher and lighter for the daytime. Reserve the muskier, hot ’n’ heavy scents for nighttime. And make sure your cologne doesn’t clash with whatever you’ve already got on, like your deodorant, aftershave, body soap, or shampoo.

Step 3:
Put it on. Whether you spritz it or dab it, put a touch on your neck and some on the inside of each wrist. When it doubt, use less than you think you should. Way less.

More Handy Tips

• Heat amplifies scents, so go even easier on hot days.
  
• If the people around you start sneezing or complaining of headaches, you’ve got too much on. Go quietly rinse off, before returning to the party.
  
• Cologne doesn’t last forever. If you’ve owned yours so long that you can no longer read the words on the bottle or it has turned an altogether different color, it’s time to replace it.
  
• Cologne should never replace a shower or a good toothbrushing.
  
• Never put cologne where the sun don’t shine. It may sound like a good idea, but it sure won’t feel like one.
  

Be Proud
•  •  •

“Prepare yourself. Educate yourself. That’s the most important thing. People want to start at the top, and they don’t know how to climb the ladder. When the door is open, you’ve got to be ready to walk through.”

—B
ILL
H
OLLOMAN

H
OW TO
F
IND
S
ELF
-C
ONFIDENCE

Step 1:
Be your own best friend. Yes, this sounds totally, ridiculously, eye-rollingly hokey, but here’s the point: You’d never ever let anyone else tear down your best friend the way you probably tear down yourself. Why the double standard? Treat that little troll inside your head who always seems to rip you whenever you’re feeling unsure of yourself the same way you’d treat him if he were ripping on your best bud. Tell him to shove it. You’ve got better things to do than listen to him.

Step 2:
Keep your chin up. Literally. And throw your shoulders back, and stand tall. Not only does your posture send a message to everyone around you, but it also sends one to your own brain. Own your space. You’ve only got one shot at this world. Don’t waste it.

Step 3:
Sweat. Strong muscles might help you feel better about yourself, but those feel-good endorphins that course through your bloodstream while you exercise definitely will. Whether you like it or not, you will be in a better mood and feel better about yourself after you do something physical. Go run, chop wood, anything that gets your heart pounding.

Step 4:
Set goals. They don’t even have to be big ones, like winning the presidency or competing in a marathon. Try achievable day-to-day ones for starters, striking up a conversation with a neighbor or learning something new, like planting a tree (
this page
) or playing the harmonica (
this page
). The more successes you rack up, the more confident you’ll begin to feel.

Step 5:
Fake it until you make it. You may be quaking inside at the thought of asking your boss for a raise or asking a cutie-pie for a date. Pretend, even for just those ten seconds or ten minutes, that you have no fear, and others will start treating you accordingly—as if you can do anything. And you know what? Soon enough, you’ll be able to.

More Handy Tips

• Don’t confuse arrogance with confidence. Of the two, only one will burn you in the end.
  
• A pair of clean undies and a decent shirt can do wonders for the mind. Get out of your sweats and dress like you’re ready to lead the world, not like you’re ready to lie on the couch.
  
• If you find yourself in a funk, get out of your own head and start helping others. Volunteer. Tutor. Clean your park. You’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish.