I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (19 page)

“How was that?” He grinned, leaning over to kiss my belly button, his tongue leisurely circling inside it.

“I think I’m seeing stars at the moment.”

I literally was.

He chuckled at my face, pulling me back up. “Did that manage to persuade you how much I want you?”

“I don’t know. I might need reminding over and over again.”

A large smile crossed his face. “I think I can manage that.” He gently ran his nose along mine, my eyes fluttered shut enjoying the sensation. Every single part of my body slowly began to unwind. I leisurely came down from my high, before selfishly remembering he had needs of his own.

“What about you? Do you need some relief?” I slipped my hand past the cotton material, placing it on the base of his erection and squeezed it ever so slightly.

I heard the air leave his lungs, when my hand began to move. He regulated his breathing to match the strokes. He closed his eyes and his body leaned into mine. His breathing switched the moment I started building up to fast rapid strokes. He was hard as rock but the velvety skin felt good gripped inside my hand. I loved being in control of his pleasure, watching the intense look on his face, when he lost all self-control right in front of me.

His breathing became more erratic and he pressed his forehead against mine. His eyes remained closed, concentrating solely on the movement of my hand.

His breath tickled my face as he panted. “Izzy – oh don’t stop – please.” I was pushing him closer to the point of release.

God he looked so sexy.

My mouth sought out his and his hands gripped my thighs, in preparation of his impending release. The moans grew louder as I brought him further and further over the edge, until he came all over my hand. I slowed down, milking the last few drops, before feeling him go limp.

He broke away from my mouth, panting once again. “Izzy, what are you doing to me?” His eyes searched mine for answers. I smiled loving the power I had over him.

“I love to watch you come undone too Joel, it’s so sexy, watching you fall apart in front of me, knowing I’m the one doing that to you.”

“Only you can do that to me Iz, your touch alone just drives me crazy.” He wiped my hand, gently cleaning it before kissing each of my fingertips, his teeth nibbling against my skin

My eyes stared longingly into his. “The way you look at me drives me crazy.” I nearly had an orgasm myself, watching him fall over the edge. The intensity in his eyes in the final moments, sent shivers throughout my body.

His breath hitched slightly at my words. “Izzy, you never cease to amaze me.” His mouth quickly found mine, I pulled his body tight against me. He twitched again and I smiled, enjoying his body beginning to stir again. “I think we both need to calm down, let’s take a shower,” he said moving away.

I grinned waggling my eyebrows suggestively. “Shower sounds good.”

“To get us clean Izzy, nothing else.” He chuckled when I made a face no longer interested, but he didn’t give me chance to think. He lifted me up in his arms and carried me towards the bathroom.

“You know I think you have a taste for all this now, don’t you?” he asked, nuzzling my ear.

“Well it’s your fault, you shouldn’t be so good at it.”

He grinned, placing me down. He took off his apron, so my eyes could roam over that lean, hard body, as he switched on the shower. “Well I got to keep my girl satisfied.” He gave me a wink and grabbed my hand, yanking me forward. Then pressed a hard kiss against my lips, before pushing me into the shower.

* * *

A while later I looked up to find Joel stood staring in the doorway. “You’re beautiful,” he said smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I think you need your eyes checked,” I retorted, rolling my own. I looked far from beautiful, more like bedraggled.

He climbed up onto the bed, crawling towards me and lay down with his head across my stomach. I placed my kindle onto the bedside table, as my fingers started stroking and weaving their way through his thick, soft, dark locks. He let out a loud exhale, before pressing his lips against my skin. We lay in complete silence, as he drew circles with his thumb gently along my stomach.

I closed my eyes concentrating on his touch, listening to him softly humming a tune. When he reached the chorus I finally recognised the song and smiled. “That’s my favourite Lifehouse song.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I’ve heard you sing it a million times, it’s permanently locked inside my head.”

I smiled, feeling endeared by the fact he’d noticed something so small. I started to sing it softly as he continued to hum, our voices mingling effortlessly together. 

We must have dosed off, as when I woke the light was fading. Joel crawled up to lie beside me, our noses touching just staring deep into each other’s eyes.

Joel broke the silence first. “I love you so much Iz.” His voice had an ache to it that began to unnerve me. The contented feeling was now replaced with an unease that left me cold.

I cupped his face, stroking my thumb over his cheek. “I love you too Joel, more than you’ll ever know.” I kissed his forehead, hoping my words would offer some kind of comfort he was obviously seeking.

“I know I don’t deserve you…” His voice trailed off. His eyes closed but not before I caught the look of pain he held inside them.

I grabbed his face. “What? Why are you even saying this? Of course you deserve to be with me, stop being daft.” I knew I had moments of self-doubt, thinking the same thing. But for him to say this now, when we were so happy, something had to be wrong.

Why had his mood changed so suddenly?

“What’s wrong Joel, you’re scaring me?”

He stared deeply into my eyes. I could see he was battling with some kind of inner struggle. He then closed them, as if it was too painful to continue looking at me.

After a few moments he opened his eyes again. The look of fear was still evident, as he began to swallow slowly. I knew the signs, he was trying to work his way to tell me something bad.

“I’m not the man you think I am, I have done so many stupid things. You are so perfect and innocent and I don’t deserve your love.” The look he gave me was so heart wrenching, it took my breath away for all the wrong reasons.

“Joel, I know about your past, all the women, you don’t have to tell me. Let’s just live in the present.” I was hoping my words registered, that he realised I didn’t care, that all I ever wanted was him.

He turned his head away, so it was no longer facing mine. “But the past has a habit of creeping back when you least expect it.”

I pulled his face back round, looking straight into his eyes. “What has brought this on, what is wrong?” I pleaded with my eyes for him to tell me, I didn’t want any secrets to come between us.

“Nothing,” he murmured, shaking his head free. He was closing down, shutting me out, going back to his old ways avoiding the real issue.

Before I had chance to speak he leapt up from the bed and stormed out the room, the next thing I heard was the front door slamming.

I sat there shaking, feeling physically sick. Something had triggered his mood. How did we go from being blissfully happy, to everything falling apart within hours?

After an hour of scrutinising every conversation we had today, I realised I was at a dead end. I rang his mobile to find out his whereabouts, only to hear it moments later in the other room.

Jumping off the bed I found it sitting on the table. I knew I should respect his privacy, but I was hoping it would give me a clue to what I desperately needed to know.

I picked it up and stared at the screen for what felt like ages, debating whether to check or not. But in my heart I had to know. I hesitated before clicking the message button, my heart sunk the moment I saw a text from a girl called Lauren.

‘I really need to see you, meet me at the usual place x’

My heart stopped.

Who the hell was Lauren?

She had texted him while I was reading, so that would explain his change in mood. He hadn’t replied back yet, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to. I instantly wanted to confront him, to put him on the spot, but he’d freak out thinking I didn’t trust him. I wanted him to volunteer the information himself. If there was no trust and I had to live with him lying to me, then we might as well just finish it right now.

I placed the phone back down in the exact spot and sat on the sofa. My mind was racing at a million miles an hour. I felt sick the moment the front door creaked open, hearing him hang his jacket before walking through. I kept my eyes on the screen, pretending to be engrossed in the news, trying to keep a lock on my emotions.

He leaned down, kissing me on the head.

“Hey,” I murmured, as a lump came up in my throat. I wanted to jump up and yell out. “Who’s Lauren?” But I just remained frozen on the sofa.

He walked into the kitchen and I heard him fill the kettle, “Do you want a cuppa?” he yelled through.

“No thanks.” My body remained rigid, listening to every little sound he made. As Lauren’s text went though my head over and over again.

A few minutes later he walked through and sat down beside me, sipping casually on his drink. He put his arm around me and I shuddered slightly in surprise with the contact.

“Cold?” he asked concerned. He rubbed his hand up and down the top of my arm to create some warmth, but his touch just left me cold.

“Yeah, just a little.” I lied. He grabbed a blanket and wrapped it round me. We sat staring at the television, pretending to watch the news, avoiding the big fat elephant that was Lauren in the room.

I was annoyed so far he’d offered no explanation, to why he stormed out earlier on. Obviously he thought I didn’t need one, which hurt even more. Unless he was worried I would dig deeper to find out the real reason.

I had to put some distance between us, as the tension became too much. I was virtually on the verge of exploding. “I’m off in the bath,” I muttered, walking off. I needed some time alone.

“Do you want me to scrub your back?” he asked jokingly. I flinched at his playful tone.

How could he even make a joke right now?

I felt sick at the thought of having him near me. The night we shared together was so special to me, a night where I’d given myself fully to him. Only to find he hadn’t changed at all, he’d used me just like all the other girls.

“No thanks,” I answered icily.

“Everything okay?” He grabbed my hand and I flinched in surprise at the contact.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, unless there’s something you want to share?” I spun around to face him and my eyes held his for a few moments.

Please just tell me the truth.

“No,” he replied curtly and looked back at the television, dropping my hand.

In that moment I knew he was hiding something. I had given him the perfect opportunity to come clean and he’d brushed me aside. I stormed out the room, as tears filled my eyes, slamming the door hard behind me.

* * *

I spent the night tossing and turning, as my mind went into freefall. I decided to cut our dream holiday short, the deceit was too much for me to handle. I couldn’t bear to be around him a moment longer then I had to. I quickly packed and forced some breakfast down, and sat staring mindlessly out of the window, watching the rain trickle against the window. The sky was a thunderous dark grey, reflecting my mood perfectly.

I jumped when Joel walked in wearing just his boxers, normally the sight of him half naked was a welcoming one, but now I was just repulsed. All I could see was the old Joel, the player I despised.

He leaned down kissing my cheek. “Morning gorgeous.” I flinched with surprise. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked concerned, when I rapidly pulled away from him.

“I don’t feel well, I just want to go home. Can we set off soon?”

He looked shocked and I wasn’t surprised. Only a couple of days ago I complained about never wanting to leave, now I couldn’t wait to go. It was surprising how much damage one tiny text message could do.

“Yeah okay,” he replied, studying my face. I knew he was trying to work out the reasoning behind it.

I avoided his eyes, keeping mine locked on my now empty mug. The silence was excruciating and I felt his stare burning into me, but I refused to look at him.

After a few moments he finally spoke. “When do you want to go?” he asked, accepting I wasn’t about to change my mind.

“As soon as you’re packed, I’ve been up a while so I’ve already done mine.” I stood up and grabbed his keys off the table, to start loading my things into the car, not bothering to acknowledge him a moment longer. I didn’t need to look at his face to see the hurt, but the pain he’d caused me was far greater, and right now that was just about all I could handle.

A door slammed and I instantly stirred from my sleep. I rubbed my sore eyes, despairing at being dragged back into my nightmare. The moment I returned home I was immediately forced into a family reunion dinner, one in which I remained pretty mute throughout. My Mother and Mike had filled the long, awkward silences, but I wasn’t so blind to notice their long looks of concern.

If I’d thought things were bad already, then my conversation with Mike had taken it to a whole new level. Hearing him confirm my suspicions that Lauren was indeed Joel’s fuck buddy, left me shattered and broken forever.

Right now I just ached to be alone, to deal with the pain in my on way and to come to terms with it all.

I flinched in surprise when my phone sprang to life, revealing Joel’s name flashing up on screen. I sat upright too quick.

Shit. Major head rush. 

I clutched my head, as the room began spinning around me.

What was he going to say?

Was he finally going to confess?

My finger hovered over the answer button. I hesitated, the panic inside building but I was unable to find the words, or courage to answer.

I watched as the music died, the screen returning to the photo of us both, huddled together smiling on the beach. The photo sparked such warm memories and tears sprang to my eyes. It seemed a lifetime ago I felt that happy, though it had barely been a day.

The voice message alert snapped me out of my short trip down memory lane, as I contemplated the meaning behind the call. Curiosity got the better of me and I hit the call button to retrieve the message. The moment his beautiful voice filled my ears, I felt my body come back to life. Just hearing it made my heart skip a little bit faster. But Joel’s voice sounded strained and slightly hesitant. I had been avoiding his texts since we returned home, so he had more than likely assumed I’d be doing the same with his calls.

“Iz, I need to speak to you urgently, please ring me back, please baby I need to tell you something…” The concern in his voice had me intrigued. I rang his number before I had the chance to back out. I took in a few sharp breaths, to gain some composure. He answered on the second ring.

“Hey Iz, hope you’re feeling better baby.” His voice was laced with concern, for a moment he made me forget my own anger. I just wanted to be near him, breathing in his delicious scent. Then reality hit me square in the face and now I just wanted answers.

“You said you had something urgent to tell me?” I said, cutting to the chase.

He hesitated for a few moments. “Oh yeah, well uhhmmm, one of the pubs Charlie my boss owns, the manager has walked out, so he’s asked me to takeover. It’s not doing well financially, it could take months, but Charlie thinks I’ll be able to get it back on track and it’s too good an opportunity to miss. The problem is they want me there as soon as possible.”

We both fell silent, my brain trying to process the information. I was already having a bad feeling about it. “Where’s the pub at?” I whispered, afraid of his reply.

He hesitated before speaking. “Manchester,” he answered softly.

I gasped. “Manchester? Can’t someone else go?” I cringed at how petty I sounded but why him?

“Iz, I don’t want to leave you but I want to prove to the boss I can do this. I’m sick of being just a barman, I want to have more responsibility and eventually become a Manager. The fact they are letting me sort out the pub in Manchester is a great opportunity, to show them I can do it.” I heard the annoyance rising in his voice, he’d officially made his mind up before ringing me, this was not a discussion.

“When do you leave?” I whispered, already knowing it would be soon.

He hesitated, letting out a loud sigh. “That’s the thing I’m packing right now and catching the train in an hour.”

“What?” I yelled down the phone, unable to conceal the level of surprise in my voice.

He had got to be joking?

“Try to understand Iz, I don’t want to leave you, but things had been strained over the last couple of days. Maybe some time apart is what we need and Manchester isn’t that far, you can come up on the train.”

He thought we needed some time apart?

I couldn’t speak, my throat felt like it had completely closed, in reaction to his words. It was bad enough surprising me with the news he was moving to Manchester, but the whole time apart threw me.

Had he grown tired of me already?

Tears streamed down my face and my voice became thick with emotion. “Joel,” I croaked out, desperately trying to form a sentence. I needed to reason with him to change his mind.

“Iz, I’m going to have to go, work is calling me on the other line. I’m going to be stretched as it is packing and catching the train. So will give you a ring when I get there, bye baby.”

Before I had time to speak the line went dead.

No discussion.

Nothing.

I sat there dazed and confused, still tightly clutching the phone. Just when you thought life couldn’t stick the boot in anymore, it came back for one last go.

When the pointer hit twelve for the sixtieth time, a tear rolled down my cheek. For the last hour it had felt like I’d held my breath the entire time, waiting for him to call back. My eyes remained firmly locked on the clock but the call never came. Another tear closely followed the first one, as it finally registered he’d gone. His train had left without even a proper goodbye.

He’d left me all alone.

* * *

I got up for college the next day, automatically slipping into autopilot mode, showering and dressing and performing my other basic morning duties. I tried hard to keep my mind away from the fact I woke up to nothing from Joel.

The slice of toast I was nibbling on was more to appease my Mother, as she watched me like a hawk. I had no appetite. I wouldn’t care if another morsel of food passed my lips ever again. I was hanging on by a thread, any sense of hope was slowly dying away.

Elijah arrived shortly after and within seconds I recognised the signs of his jovial mood.

He was in love.

Just seeing him possess these kind of feelings, sent my heart plummeting. But he was my best friend and I had to give him his moment, no matter how much my heart was breaking.

We were kept busy for the majority of the morning, so by lunchtime he literally looked fit to burst. I watched as he bit his lip, trying to rein in the excitement bubbling inside, but his eyes sparkled giving him away.

“You’ve been seeing him for three months and you never told me?” I yelled, glaring at him. He frowned at my response, but I was annoyed at the fact he couldn’t trust me enough to tell me.

I told him everything.

Well almost everything.

“I’m sorry Iz, but he begged me to keep us secret for a while. He was still in the closet then, up to that point he’d only dated girls. I wanted to tell you so many times sweetie, please don’t be mad at me.” He pouted and gave me his best puppy dog eyes. He always did have a way to win me over.

I smiled. How could I be mad at a face like that? “So tell me all about Sam then.”

A large grin spread across his face. It was enough to tell me he’d fallen deep. He took a long sip of his water, quickly launching into a biography of Sam’s life.

Sam was twenty-two and was an Accountant. They first met at a gay bar, which was Sam’s first time and he had been the one to make the first move. Elijah grinned wildly at that part. I think he felt a deep sense of pride, that Sam was the one to choose him. They had swapped numbers and had been texting, and after a few dates they decided to commit to each other, but Sam had been hesitant to make it official. Unlike Elijah who was out and proud, this was Sam’s first relationship with a guy. After three months Elijah had given him an ultimatum, he was no longer willing to be his dirty little secret. So after many arguments and many tears, they were now officially a couple.

The look of excitement on his face throughout was enough to make me forget my own misery, for a short time. He showed me the screensaver picture of Sam on his phone.

“Wow cute guy,” I remarked, staring at the short blonde haired, chiselled face guy smiling back.

“I know he’s kind of out of my league but he loves me,” he said shrugging, putting his phone back into his pocket.

He did not just say that?

“Out of your league? Elijah you’re a catch, sexy, smart and funny. You and Sam make a cute couple.”

He smiled widely. “Thanks sweetie, you’re too kind. So talking about hot guys – how is Joel? Tell me all about your sexy little holiday away? Come on I want all the details.” His smile quickly turned to a frown, as my face dropped, at the mention of his name. “What’s wrong Iz?” He grabbed my hand in preparation, my face displaying every emotion I was feeling.

“Joel’s gone to work in Manchester to manage a bar and I don’t know when he’ll be back, it could be months. He dropped the bombshell yesterday and literally left an hour later. He said he would call last night but he didn’t,” I trailed off, my eyes dropping down avoiding the look of pity contained in Elijah’s eyes.

I had deliberately left out the Lauren part, too choked up to even get the words out. I didn’t want to see the confirmation in Elijah’s eyes, that this was bad. For now I just needed to lock that part away, to deal with it in my own way.

He reached over, taking my hand and stroked it soothingly. “He probably got down there to a load of chaos and then thought it was too late to ring. He knew you’d be starting back at college today. I bet when you get home he’ll ring you then, or why don’t you ring him? The phone works both ways.” He smiled at the last part, and I rolled my eyes at him stating the obvious.

“Yeah we’ll see, come on we need to get back to class.” I cut the conversation promptly, to keep my mind focused on college. It would be a welcoming change for at least a few more hours.

* * *

I rebooted my phone the moment I walked indoors. I had knocked it off earlier to save myself from checking it every five minutes. When the screen finally loaded it revealed a missed call and voice message from Joel. I activated the message feeling happier he hadn’t forgotten me. I knew just hearing his voice would make me feel brighter.

“Hey Iz, errmm I was hoping to speak to you but you’re probably at college. Sorry I didn’t ring last night but it was chaos. I didn’t want to text you in case I woke you up, hope today has gone well.” He paused and I heard a woman’s voice filtering through in the background.

“Joel, the girl’s out front want to know when you’re bringing your sexy little bum back through.” He chuckled at the comment, as my blood turned to ice.

What the fuck?

“Anyway Iz, I’ll try again soon but I really am busy at the moment, so can’t say when that will be–” He then became distracted by a guy’s voice in the background.

“Joel, we need you man, it’s getting chaotic through here, oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt an important phone call.”

“Oh it’s nothing important. I’ll be straight through.”

What?

Nothing important?

I gasped at his response. It was like a kick in the teeth. I’d barely got my head around his dismissive comment when he hung up.

No goodbye. I love you. Nothing.

Fucking fantastic.

I instantly deleted the message. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than hear his hurtful words ever again. I threw my phone down hard in a rage, watching it bounce along the floor. Well if his intention was to make me feel less than special, then he’d gone the right way about it. I guess I no longer factored in his life. I got that he was busy, trying to make a good impression. But going from being his everything to nothing within days, he had officially ripped my heart out.

A million thoughts ran through my head. I grabbed and opened up my laptop, instantly clicking on Facebook. I knew I was crossing a line, officially becoming one of those people resorting to spying on their boyfriends. I felt a wave of guilt as I clicked on his profile. I had now officially become Joel’s stalker.

I checked down his wall, but he hadn’t made any status updates for a while. He has been recently tagged into a picture with his members of staff. I clicked on the picture to get a more magnified view. My eyes took in the sight of Joel, smiling huddled in the middle amongst them all. I gazed at him for a few moments, already missing just seeing him, but it was the sexy red head beside him that caught my eye. She was gorgeous of course, her long, flowing wavy locks fell down to her waist. She had the whole Jessica rabbit figure going on, which in the past had always been Joel’s type.

I hated her already.

She had curves in all the right places, which were now pressed up tight against my boyfriend. She looked like the cat that got the cream.

The bitch!

I instantly clicked on her name and went straight to her profile. I knew it was wrong and ignorance probably was bliss, but in this moment in time I needed to know. I couldn’t access all of it, but I could get into her photos. Most were bikini shots or skimpy outfits on a night out. I couldn’t say I was shocked, she had a great body and she knew how to show it off. I clicked on her personal info and of course she was single.