I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (22 page)

A huge smirk spread across my face. “Good, that’s what I was aiming for.” See how he liked a taste of his own bitter medicine

David lunged forward raising his fist. Instantly a pair of strong, tattooed arms encircled him, pulling him back as he grappled to be set free.

“I think you need to go mate,” Geordie guy whispered in his ear.

His eyes widened in shock. “What? She was the one who fucking punched and threw a drink over me!”

“Look, we don’t want anymore trouble, you instigated it from the start so just leave.”

He blew out some air in agitation. “Fine, if you would get your fucking hands off me I will.” He slowly released David, looking on reluctantly in case his services were needed again.

“Thanks,” I muttered to him, when he approached me with a look of concern.

He frowned at my grimace, as I clutched my injury, squirming with the pain. “How’s the hand?” He lifted it up gently inspecting it, checking for any signs of broken bones.

“I hope it’s broken,” David yelled over his shoulder, trying to stem the blood oozing out of his nose.

“Fuck you David, if you want me to test that theory again then keep talking.”

David stopped to pick up his coat. His eyes held mine for a few moments, before a smile spread across his face. “Mate, just a quick tip if you’re interested. Just get a few shots down her neck and those legs slide right open.”

Fuck.

A few people gasped, a few laughed but I was just frozen to the spot. He had the last laugh, my complete and total embarrassment.

I felt a stray tear slide down my cheek. Just how evil could one guy be? Did he not destroy enough of me last night, to now come back and finish the job?

“What the fuck did you just say?”

What?

I flinched at the sound of his voice.

I would recognise it anywhere. It was the voice that haunted my dreams every night. The voice I’d waited so long to hear.

My heart almost beat out of my chest. My knees began to buckle from the overwhelming feeling taking over.

Oh god.

I needed a moment to compose myself. But when my eyes swept round to capture Joel’s, I found them not locked on me but on David. He stood behind the bar glaring, his eyes cold and hard. He looked like he was about to murder him.

Good he deserved it, the fucker.

David eyes were equally as cold, wiping the blood from his nose with his sleeve. “I wasn’t talking to you mate, so mind your own fucking business. Unless you’ve had a go with Izzy, then we can compare notes.”

His smile was the final nail in the coffin, he had just signed his own death warrant.

A flash of anger crossed Joel’s face, as he leapt over the bar, grabbing David by the throat. They hurtled towards the ground, sending everyone including me flying.

There were squeals and shouting, glass and furniture went flying everywhere. The sudden movement was enough to knock me off balance. I stumbled backwards, hitting my head hard on the glass table.

The pain was instantaneous, like being hit with a sledge-hammer. I was now sprawled out on the hard, wooden floor, if the blood on my hand was any indicator then this was bad. I felt the small trickle run down my forehead, and heard the sounds of grunting and flesh being hit over and over, with raised voices of people trying to intervene.

I saw Joel’s face just for a moment, his bright blue eyes stared deep into mine. I murmured his name over and over in the vain hope he’d hear me, until everything began to fade to black.

* * *

I woke to a bright light shining deep into my eyes. I jerked back, as my eyes responded to the sudden bright glare.

What the hell was going on?

“It’s okay Iz, they need to check you over to see if there’s anything wrong, you keep going in and out of consciousness.” He smiled reassuringly, but I saw a look of anguish on his face. I looked at him dumbfounded.

Was he really here or was I just dreaming?

“Are you real?” I whispered, afraid of the answer.

He chuckled, his finger softly stroking my face. “Iz, it’s me. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m back for good.” 

My breath hitched at his words.

He was really back?

I wanted to talk to him, to touch him, to wrap myself around his beautiful body. But all my thoughts were shattered when the nurse bustled Joel away, much to my absolute horror.

“You know I’m fine, I think I should go,” I dropped my feet down onto the floor. I was all ready to chase Joel down before I stumbled. My head began spinning again and a strong pair of arms caught me, breaking my fall as I sagged against her.

“Get back in that bed right now young lady, you’re going nowhere until Dr Stephens has checked you over and signed you fit to leave.” 

I didn’t argue, she had strength on her side. She scowled watching me intently, until I slowly slipped back into bed. I closed my eyes still unable to take it all in.

He was here.

He was actually here.

Then everything came flooding back.

Cindy. Oh god. The kiss in the street.

Maybe it had been a fling?

He looked happy to see me, he said he was back for good. Whether that meant to be with me was something I needed to find out.

The nurse walked back in with a jug of water. “Has Joel gone?” I asked, the panic rising in my voice. I leaned forward, trying to see out the door window.

“Joel? Oh the cute guy, is he your boyfriend? No he’s still here, he definitely has a way with the ladies. He’s got quite a few of the young nurses charmed, they were wanting to know if he’s single.” I saw a wry smile on her face. I knew Joel had probably had some affect on her too.

Was there no one he was susceptible to?

I instantly felt jealous. But he wasn’t mine to possess, to claim. But I definitely didn’t want him dating either. “No, he’s not my boyfriend, he’s actually gay, he goes out with my Brother.” I bit my lip to suppress a smile, hoping she’d buy my lie.

  “All the good looking ones are.” She chuckled. “They will be disappointed when I report back.” She finished pouring out the water as I fought the need to laugh.

“Sorry.” I shrugged, trying hard to keep a straight face. Until she left and then the laughter broke free. I knew it was wrong to lie but here I was on my deathbed, with nurses circling, hoping for a date with my guy.

Well technically I wasn’t dying and he wasn’t my guy anymore, but these women seemed the type that would hit on him at my funeral, before I was even cold.

“What are you laughing at?”

My eyes were still closed but I didn’t need to open them, to know just who that delicious voice belonged to. “Oh just a private joke.” I wiped the tears away, opening my eyes to take in the vision before me.

“So you’re not going to share?” His eyes grew wider, waiting for a response.

I pushed myself up slightly and propped myself against the pillow, to get a better view. “Not right now. I need to know why you came back.”

His face instantly frowned at my response. “Are you not happy I’m back?” I saw a look of hurt flash in his eyes. He pulled the chair closer and sat down beside me. His hand softly stroked my hair back, as he gently kissed my forehead.

I closed my eyes, as he continued to caress my face and let out a small sigh of contentment. We sat in silence for a few moments, as I just concentrated on his touch.

“Iz, do you want to be with me?”

My eyes wrenched open in shock. “Always, I will never stop wanting to be with you. I love you so much, when you left a piece of my heart died. I’ve never stopped thinking about you for one moment. Even my dreams are filled with you. I hated waking up every morning to find you gone, that I was still alone grieving for the love we once had.” I paused, catching my breath. I had to try to speak the next words without breaking down.

“Joel, there is something you should know…after I told you we should go on a permanent break, I came to Manchester to see you.” 

He looked visibly shocked. “When was that?” he whispered.

“It was over a month ago. I was so grief stricken I caught a train up to talk to you, to beg you to take me back but then I saw you…” My voice trailed off and I started to cry, no longer able to hold the tears back.

“What is it Iz?” His eyes pleaded with me to go on. I swallowed a few times to clear my throat, my voice now thick with emotion.

“I was literally metres away from you, you were stood in the street with your back to me. I was just about to run up when Cindy appeared, you kissed and hugged her in front of me and it broke my heart–” I started sobbing, reliving my worst moment ever.

He grabbed my face in his hands, his eyes locking with mine. “Izzy, did you see me actually kiss Cindy on the lips?”

I scowled at his tone. “No, you had your back to me, but I saw her lean in to kiss you.” I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Izzy, Cindy flirts with me all the time, she’s a good friend and was there for me after we broke up.”

I raised my eyebrows in a questioning mode.

Oh god I felt sick again.

“Not like that, she was there for me on my low days, when all I wanted to do was to pack up and come home to you. You’re all I want Iz, you and you alone. I know you have issues with all the girls that flirt with me, but you’re the only one I see, you’re the only one I want to be with, it’s only you Iz, it will only ever be you.”

I cupped his cheek with my hand, my thumb brushed up against his cheekbone. I had missed this face so much. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my lips, so gentle I hardly felt it.

I moaned in response, softly pressing my lips more firmly against his. He gently licked my bottom lip before entering, his tongue delicately caressing with my own. The electricity between us becomes intense. I grabbed the back of his head, pulling him into me and he groaned, slowly manoeuvring himself to lie next to me.

Every single part of me wanted him, to be wrapped around him. To feel his body pressed against mine, to touch and taste him and breathe in his delicious warm, comforting scent.

I moaned softly when his lips broke away. He pressed his forehead against mine, as his fingers softly caressed the skin of my lower back. The tears began to fall with the enormity of the last month. Every single moment of pain and anguish came flooding out, with every single tear that was shed.

“Hey – please don’t cry baby. I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here with you.”

“This last month Joel–”

He let out a loud sigh. “I know…I lived through it too.”

I pulled myself up, to see the pain and anguish shining there in his eyes. I pressed my lips against his to help soothe each other, in the best way we knew how.

We were too busily entwined in our own state of bliss, to notice Nurse Ruth has walked back in the room.

“Gay huh?” She chuckled, a bemused expression crossed her face.

I laughed, as Joel stared, oblivious to the joke. He then chuckled, working out I’d been less than truthful when it came to his sexuality.

His nose tenderly brushed up against mine. “Iz, you trying to keep the ladies away from me?” His words made me blush. I turned my head into the pillow and screwed my eyes tight. “I’m yours and yours only, you have me forever,” he whispered.

The sweetest words I had ever heard.

I heard Nurse Ruth close the door quietly behind her. I peeped open an eye, only to see Joel’s shining with so much love. I took his face in both of my hands, guiding him back down to my lips. I didn’t want to waste a moment longer.

“Hey you,” I breathed, sinking deeper into the pillow, watching as Joel strolled back into the room. I was feeling drained after the long, intense conversation with my Mother. Her reaction to my injury had been way over board. It had taken a lot of calming down, even reassurances from the Doctor himself had barely appeased her.

I had received the all clear on the head scans, but I had to remain in hospital overnight. My ankle was badly twisted and heavily bandaged, so I’d been given crutches as a means to get around on.

I had sent Joel out of the lion’s den, before she had arrived. Of course he had put up a protest, wanting us to face her together, but I couldn’t allow my Mother’s cruel, harsh words to crush him. I wanted to intervene first, to get everything sorted, before they got together in the same room again. We had spent an hour talking and despite her dubious look, she left looking a lot happier.

The sight of Joel alone brought a smile to my face. His presence brightened up everything that was cold and clinical about the room. His smile was like sunshine and I sighed, feeling the warmth spread throughout my body, welcoming it into every pore.

He shuffled over and sat down in the chair beside me. I moaned softly when his lips lingered on mine. I cupped his face with my hand and brushed my thumb along his cheekbone. His eyes closed and our foreheads rested against each other.

I savoured every single moment, breathing in his delicious scent. I still couldn’t believe he was here. During my darkest of days I never thought it would be possible.

He broke away from my lips, to press little butterfly kisses over every inch of my face. My eyes fluttered shut and I shivered at every single touch, it was pure heaven against my skin. I never wanted it to end. I wanted it to go on forever and be in a permanent state of bliss, but then it did.

My eyes sprang open, when his warm, soft lips left my skin. I was confused to why he had ceased such pleasure. He looked at me warily, his eyes desperately searching mine, almost too scared to speak. I knew the words he was about to say, before they even left his lips.

“Don’t,” I whispered frowning, not wanting to go there. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget.

“Iz, we need to talk about David.”

I instantly pulled away in horror, at the mention of his name. Turning so my back becomes a barrier between us, as the tears began to flow.

“Iz, I heard him say you’d slept with him. Is that true?”

The sobs became louder. My biggest mistake was forever going to haunt me. The bed dipped when Joel crawled in behind me, spooning me tightly.

“It’s okay if you did Iz, we were on a break and you thought I was cheating.” He paused, waiting for my answer. But even after his words of reassurance, I had no guarantee he would still feel the same.

I swallowed deeply, trying to clear my throat. I felt sick at the thought of telling him something, I knew would ultimately break him.

“I went to a party, Elijah forced me he said he was sick of me moping around over you. He said I needed to move on and that’s where I met David. At first he seemed nice and he slowly charmed me, getting me wasted. I just wanted a night off from missing you. I drank to forget how miserable I was and he took advantage of that…” My voice broke and I started to sob again. His arms grew tighter around me and his lips gently pressed against my neck, giving me the strength to carry on.

“In my head I was kissing you, that’s the only thing I recall, the rest is a blank. I remember waking up afterwards and realising what he had done. I felt so cheap and disgusted with myself, I’m not a one night stand girl, all I ever wanted was you–”

My hands gripped his tight, clinging onto him. His body providing the support I needed to deal with the pain. I would always feel safe and secure in his arms, but the trickle of cold tears against my skin instantly snapped me out of my own misery. I was more concerned for his suffering than my own.

I turned to console him. “Hey, I’m fine, you’re back now. I just want to forget about it, he doesn’t deserve anymore of my tears. I just want to concentrate on us, I have missed you so much.”

His head dropped down and he cried hard into my chest. I soothingly stroked his hair, pulling him close and wrapped my arms around him, trying to ease the pain I know I had inflicted.

“I should never have left,” he whispered, clinging on to me tighter, his body shaking next to mine.

“It was a good job opportunity you needed to go, I was just too insecure. The Facebook comments and photos just twisted the knife, setting off my paranoia even more. Then when I heard the message that I wasn’t important, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.” Tears streamed down my face at the memory, remembering every emotion when I thought he had abandoned me.

His head pulled up to look at me, our eyes locking together. “You know you’re the most important person right? That no one would ever come close? Our time spent apart wasn’t easy on me either Iz. I spent the whole month languishing in my own misery. The job was the only thing stopping me falling deeper into my own personal hell, but I need to know Iz, why did you act so cold with me on the last few days of the holiday? What did I do wrong, that you couldn’t bear to let me touch you? It nearly killed me being so near, yet you seemed so far.” 

My whole body froze, oh god it was confession time. I gulped down the lump in my throat and let out a deep sigh. I needed to compose myself, before facing the moment of truth. 

“After we had that lovely cosy day together you started to act weird, you just left, no explanation, nothing. I waited for you to come back, after an hour had gone past I got really worried and rang your phone, but you’d left it in the cottage.” I paused, taking some deep breaths.

“I checked your phone, I know it was wrong but I needed to know why you were acting so strange. I read the last text you received before you left, and it was from a Lauren.” I felt his body stiffen at the sound of her name. “Joel.” My voice broke slightly, hesitant to know the truth. “Are you still seeing her?” I closed my eyes, scared of what his answer would be.

“No, but it’s complicated Iz, we have a history and unfortunately there will always be something between us.”

My eyes sprang open at his words. I could tell by his face he was being genuinely honest, but I didn’t understand why he would still be seeing her. I pushed back from him feeling slightly annoyed. “Like what? Joel, you need to tell me, as I am sick of worrying myself stupid over all these girls.”

He sighed heavily and lay back down, pulling me back in so both our noses were touching.

“Iz, Lauren was pregnant with my child.” He closed his eyes, like the words were too painful to speak.

I gasped with shock. “You’re a Dad?”

His eyes wrenched open. “No,” he whispered. “She lost the baby.” His eyes filled with tears and my heart broke, seeing his pain so raw in front of me. “Every year we meet up on the day she died and remember her, it’s our way of coping. Lauren needs my support now and then on really bad days, that’s why she texted. I left because it hit me hard that day, I was so happy with you and then it brought it all back. I felt guilty for enjoying myself, for having fun, for being alive.”

Looking into his eyes, I saw the weight of the torment he carried around. “Joel, I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. I can only imagine the pain but you can’t berate yourself for living, life is so cruel at times but you deserve happiness too.” I pressed my lips against his forehead, to help soothe the agony deep inside.

“She was going to be called Katie Anne, she would have been two now.” He started shaking uncontrollably, the sobs racking through his body. I drew him into my arms and let him cry all the tears of grief he had bottled away.

We lay there for a while and I cradled him, softly stroking his hair, giving him the love and support he so desperately needed. My heart ached at the depths of his secret, he had carried for so long.

“That’s why you have the tattoo.” I whispered, unsure of whether I should push the matter further.

He opened his eyes, moving back to look at me. “How do you know about the tattoo?”

“It’s always grabbed my attention whenever I saw it. I knew it had more meaning than the others. I’ve always thought it was something too personal to ask.”

“I got it done the day after, I just wanted something as I reminder that she was here, if only for a brief time and that I would spend the rest of my life always loving and missing her.”

“Can I?” I asked, unsure he would allow me.

He hesitated then softly nodded. I slipped my hand up his sleeve to reveal the tattoo, as my eyes took in the beautiful vision before me. I stroked my fingers delicately along the outline, planting a soft kiss on the part of his body that would always bear the signs of true heartbreak.

“Thank you, I’ve never told anyone else about Katie,” he whispered.

I instantly frowned at his words. “Not even Mike?” I asked, concerned at the thought of him carrying this burden alone.

“No.” His eyes held so much pain they shook me to the core.

I hesitated slightly, feeling guilty for what I was about to say. “Joel, when I asked Mike about Lauren, he said she was your fuck buddy, that you hooked up every now and then. I was devastated, I thought you were cheating on me.” I closed my eyes in disgust. I was so stupid, how could I have made such a mistake? Especially listening to Mike of all people.

“Iz, Lauren and I haven’t been with each other since Katie was conceived. Mike probably thought I was hooking up, when I met up with Lauren. Nothing happened though, she just needed to talk about Katie, and I was the only one sharing the same pain. It was a release for her, as she’d bottle things inside and then go off the rails drinking. I would always try and get her back on track.”

My eyes slowly opened, looking into his sad blue. “I’m so sorry, I feel like an idiot, how could I be so insensitive – but you know I’m here for you always, if you ever need to talk.” My eyes filled with tears, I hoped he could forgive me for my own stupidity.

“I should be the one apologising, I have all this baggage and history with all these girls. I don’t know why you put up with me. I know I don’t deserve you and you should be with someone far better, that hasn’t lived the life I have, but I can’t stay away from you. It kills me every time we’re apart, I love you so much it hurts.”

My hand cupped his face, to bring his eyes back to mine. “Joel, believe me when I say I don’t want anyone else, it’s just you. You’re all I’ll ever need. I feel like I can’t breathe when you’re not around. I can’t function without you. I need you in my life and if you walk away, it would be like snatching out my heart.” I pressed my lips hard against his, hoping my words would appease him. To make him finally understand my heart only ever wanted him.

He pulled away and I let out a small whimper of disapproval. “So what are you saying? That we’re together forever then?” he asked. A small smile played on his lips, as his thumb brushed away the last of my tears.

“Yep, looks like it.” I grinned back, feeling reassured my words had finally registered.

“I think I can handle that.” He smiled.

“But will you still want me when I’m old and droopy?” I pouted the moment his eyes flicked over my body.

“Yeah, I’ll probably love you even more.” He chuckled and I launched myself at him, our lips slamming together. He was taken aback by the ferocity of the kiss but then kissed me just as fiercely back. I moved away and this time he pouted.

“Joel, you’ll always have my heart.”

A tear rolled down his cheek. “And you’ll always have mine.”

* * *

I lay staring at Joel’s peaceful face, my eyes flicking over inch of his beauty. He smiled sensing me watching him and I giggled.

He was just too cute.

“You watching me sleep again?” he asked, poking an eye open.

“Well it’s been a while, I think I deserve to look at my gorgeous boyfriend’s face.”

He kissed me softly on the lips, and my fingers quickly found their way into his hair. “I’ve missed waking up to you Iz, it was my favourite part of the day.”

“Mine too.” I sighed, pressing my lips against his again. He grazed his hand against my cheek and the flash of red from his knuckles, quickly caught my eye.

I broke away and pulled his hand towards me. My eyes fell upon the sight of his bruised, bloodied knuckles, bearing the signs of defending my honour. I kissed each knuckle softly and he gasped, his eyes watching every tender movement.

“Does it hurt?” I asked.

“No it’s fine.” He tried to quickly shake it off, slipping his hand out of mine.

“You know you’re my white knight.” I smiled but he looked away awkwardly.

“I don’t know about that–”

I grabbed his face, turning it back to look at me. “I do, the way you defended me. I will always be grateful for what you did.”

“Iz, there’s nothing to be grateful for, hearing him speak those words sent me into such a rage. I can’t even remember half of it,”

“Neither can I.” I touched my head, wincing slightly with the pain.