I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (34 page)

Joel quietly sniggered at his over the top reaction, at Elijah flying off the handle.

“Iz, how long have my stockings been ripped? Could no one have told me?” He gave us all evil eyes, despite the fact none of us knew.

Sam soon bundled him off in a taxi. It was probably for the best, with the vast amount of alcohol he had consumed. There was no reasoning with him in his present state.

Returning to the bar I cleared my throat, stepping back up onto the stool. “Can I get some service here please bar man,” I asked in my best sultry voice. Joel’s head whipped around and I watched his pupils dilate with desire.

Yep, totally the reaction I was after.

He walked over, trying hard to conceal his smile, though his lips curled up in the corners with obvious amusement. His eyes held a mischievous glint, making my whole body shiver with desire.

“What would you like?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“You,” I breathed.

He was all I ever wanted.

He pulled on my tie, yanking me forward as his lips collided with mine. I groaned my approval when his tongue instantly slipped inside.

I grabbed his hair, pulling him closer. Every part of my body ached for him.

I needed him right here, right now.

I was about to forget all my inhibitions, when all the wolf whistles and jeers brought us back to our senses.

He stood back chuckling. “Izzy, what are you doing to me? I almost wanted to have you right here.”

“And I would have let you.” I giggled.

His breath hitched at my words, his eyes were now hot and hungry. He looked like he was about to pounce and I knew I had to leave before I lost the will myself.

“I’m going to go clean up, I’ll see you shortly.”

He grabbed me, yanking me back. “Make sure you leave that costume on.”

A large smile crept across my face, looking into his deadly serious eyes. “Okay, okay, costume will be staying on.”

He let out a sigh of relief, but the intensity in his eyes was still there. “Oh and leave your hair like that as well.”

“Okay, but don’t be long,” I yelled back, disappearing sharply through the door, in case we lost control again.

Less than five minutes later I heard the front door bang close. My eyes instantly snapped up and I bit my lip smiling.

Someone was very eager.

He must have cleared the pub within minutes. I quickly checked myself in the mirror, then popped my head out the bathroom door.

Our eyes instantly connected.

Joel’s were on fire, blazing with the heat inside. I felt myself losing it before he’d even touched me.

He ripped off his top and threw it down, displaying his rock, hard upper body.

My breath hitched, watching him storm towards me, with his eyes burning deep into mine. He grabbed me, slamming his body against mine. Our lips crashed together and my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. My fingers tugged on his hair, as his firm hands cupped my bottom, lifting me up off the ground. I curled my legs around his waist, pressing myself hard against him, as he walked me over to the bed.

He placed me down onto the bed and I moved to take my tie off. “Don’t,” he warned, his voice all low and husky. “Leave it all on, the only thing coming off are these.” He softly hitched my hips up, slipping my knickers down my legs.

The intensity between us became overwhelming. I lay back groaning and closed my eyes, as his mouth kissed up the inside of my thigh. I gasped the higher he went, and groaned loudly with pleasure when his tongue started to tease me, each caress unravelling me further.

I gripped the duvet tight desperately clinging on, his tongue pushing me more and more over the edge. My loud moans filled the room when his fingers entered me, the stroking only intensifying the pleasure. I was ready to explode. I needed a release soon. I could feel myself build, my orgasm was now within reach.

“That’s it baby, let it out. I want to hear you, tell me how good it feels.”

“Oh god Joel – don’t stop, I’m so close...” I arched my back the moment the orgasm hit me, like a giant wave crashing against my body.

I couldn’t breathe, the air was ripped out of my lungs and I just lay there, slowly starting my descent, falling back down to earth. My eyes remained closed, as my body once again dragged some air through my lungs. I opened my eyes, feeling the shift of his body leave the bed. I propped myself up on my elbows, watching Joel slowly unbuckle his belt.

I didn’t move, my eyes stayed transfixed on him, watching him slowly slide down his jeans to reveal the giant bulge of his need for me.

I licked my lips, becoming hypnotised, patiently waiting for him to undo me all over again.

When his boxers fell to the floor, he quickly grabbed the box of condoms before crawling back up my body. He was now gloriously naked and my hands glided along his hot, smooth skin, appreciating every muscle, as his lips slowly made their way up to mine.

I groaned the moment our tongues connected, the rhythm slowly hypnotising me. I tugged on his hair and Joel let out a small moan of approval.

He slowly pulled away from my mouth, working his way down. I whimpered as he ran his tongue across the satin cup, I felt my nipples straining for release. His hand grazed against my skin, reaching in to gently cup my breast, releasing it from the confines of my bra.

His tongue lapped and sucked my nipple and I moaned softly, becoming lost in the sensation but I needed a release. I was like a coiled spring. I reached down to pull him back up to me and his head snapped up in confusion.

“Now Joel, I need you now.” A small smile tugged on his lips. I groaned loudly when he sunk deep into me. I gasped with pleasure the moment he rocked inside me slowly, but I needed it fast.

I rolled him over onto his back, pinning his hands down above his head. A look of surprise crossed his face, quickly followed by a heated dark intensity. I started to move, moaning loudly with the pleasure that coursed through my body. I released his hands and they instantly grabbed my hips, bunching up my skirt. I grinded down on him, over and over, desperate for a release. He was breathing hard, his eyes watching me so intently that I felt my heartbeat quicken. I carried on hard and fast, each movement brought me closer to the edge.

He scrunched his eyes tight and I knew he was close, struggling to hang on but I needed this so bad. I couldn’t wait any longer. I rolled my hips again, hearing him moan. I was merely seconds away. We both yelled as we came together, our voices filling the room with shouts of ecstasy.

I flopped down hard onto his chest, exhaustion quickly setting in. His hands quickly cradled me, as I felt Joel’s heart beat fast against my cheek. He pulled my shirt up, stroking the small of my back, as I kissed his gorgeous chest. We lay there in silence for a few minutes, listening to the beat of each other’s hearts.

“Izzy, you have no idea what you do to me,” he whispered, his voice still husky.

I propped myself up on my elbows to look at his face. “You do the same to me Joel, I will never take any kiss or touch for granted. I can’t get enough of you, my body constantly burns for you.”

There would never be a day I wouldn’t crave his touch, his kisses, his love.

I reached up placing a soft kiss on his lips. “Right, now I’m definitely taking this costume off.”

He chuckled, rolling me onto my back. “Let me give you a hand with that.”

The temperature dropped as we snowballed towards Christmas. With just over a week to go I assigned myself the chief decorator role, my mission was to go all out in making our first Christmas together special.

I’d been a tad over zealous in the decoration department, the flat appeared to look more like Santa’s grotto. The amount of glitter on show was almost blinding. I was pretty sure there wasn’t an inch of space I hadn’t covered, but it was going to be a Christmas to remember.

Joel’s face was priceless, when I turned to see him stood quietly in the doorway. He looked almost stunned by my handiwork. His eyes were alight, as they scanned the room, surveying the decorations.

I turned back, to finish off hanging the last of the baubles. I heard his chuckle, as he came up behind me.

He wrapped his strong arms around my waist, pulling me back into him. His nose nuzzled deep into my hair, breathing me in. “I like what you did with the place, but I may have to wear sunglasses indoors now.”

I giggled at his remark, though part of me wondered if he was actually joking. “Good you look even more sexy wearing them.” I turned to face him, to see his eyes shining with delight as his lips pressed up against mine. “But seriously though, is it too much?”

I was hoping he wouldn’t agree. I really didn’t want to have to undo the last three hours of decorating. I was just about ready to collapse.

Who knew Christmas could be so exhausting?

He frowned at my words. “No I love it, I’ve never really had my own tree or decorations before, so anything is a bonus.” He forced a smile, but the sadness of his words reflected in his eyes. He lightly kissed my forehead and his lips lingered on my skin, like he was using me to console the ache deep inside.

I knew everything would have been different if his Mum had still been alive. I despised his Dad for being the selfish, emotionless arsehole that truly didn’t deserve to have a son like Joel.

We stood with our bodies locked tight together. I could tell he needed a moment. He always drew strength from our connection, like it soothed him having me near.

I was too stunned to speak. Something so basic as a Christmas tree and he’d never got to experience that in his own home. It was only now when he accidently let slip small snippets of information, I realised just how cold his childhood had been. He didn’t like to be pressed about his past, but the odd time he brought it up I needed to try and push him, to get him to open up a little.

“Your Dad never even put up a tree?” I asked eventually. The thought alone of Christmas without a tree was totally beyond belief. Just when I thought the guy couldn’t sink any lower in my estimations, I found a whole other level of reasons to hate him.

“No…Christmas for him involved getting twice as drunk, he never bothered with a tree or presents. My Uncle would make the effort and put one up, when we would go to stay at his but our house never changed, it was like Christmas never existed. I’ve never known any different, well until I started coming to your house. That’s when I saw how real families act.” He tried to shake it off like it was nothing, like it didn’t still affect him, but I could see the pain he kept buried deep inside.

“Well then you’re in for a treat, as this Christmas is going to be a very special one indeed.” I pulled him in closer, so we were practically becoming one.

I needed to reassure him those dark days had gone, that he’d never feel alone and unloved again. I wanted to replace the bad memories with good, so one day he’d finally be rid of his demons.

He nuzzled deeper into my hair. “It’s already special having you here with me, together in our home, I don’t need anything else.”

My heart skipped a beat at his sweet words and I let out a soft sigh of contentment. Christmas would be all about Joel this year. I wanted him to have the first of many good memories, he would always cherish.

“It’s going to be amazing,” I said in an overly bright voice, masking the sadness filling my heart. I reached over, grabbing the golden star from the table, it was the final piece of the puzzle. I smiled placing it into his hand. “I want you to do the honours.”

His puzzled stare tore at my heart. He stood for a few moments contemplating, his hand grasping the star tight, looking like a lost child.

It was amazing how something so small, could mean something so big. Then again I’d always taken things like this for granted. Joel had missed out on the basic family traditions, and was only now getting to experience them for the first time. I had to take it slow, so he absorbed and enjoyed each and every moment.

When the star was finally sitting pride of place on top, we both stood back admiring it, knowing the sentiment and true meaning the tree held.

Breaking away from Joel, my finger hovered over the switch. “Are we ready for the lights…3…2…1.” I watched Joel’s face break out into the biggest almighty smile ever. He watched in amazement as the tree came to life, his eyes transfixed on the twinkling dancing lights. He was too caught up in the moment to notice me approach.

I enveloped him into a tight hug as he rested his chin lightly against my head. We watched the lights together, marvelling as they danced along in front of us, the rhythm becoming slowly hypnotising. We stood in silence, staring in wonder at our first ever Christmas tree together.

His arms tightened around me and in truth I never wanted him to let go. I had already got my Christmas wish early, Joel was the greatest gift I could have ever received. I gave thanks to each day we got to share together.

* * *

I woke with a heavy heart, hearing Joel’s gentle, soft breaths beside me. I pushed myself slowly round to face him, my eyes studying every feature of his fine face. I sighed with despair, at the thought of not being able to look at him again for the next five days. The thought was hard enough to handle, yet alone him actually leave.

Joel had broken the devastating news about his trip to see his Uncle a week ago. At first I hadn’t been too opposed, but then he dropped the bombshell that his Dad was going too. His Dad would stay on for over a month, while Joel would come home to spend Christmas with me. I didn’t like the idea of him spending a minute longer with that monster. I wanted to protect him from that kind of evil.

A wave of sickness ran through me, the moment he had uttered those words he was leaving. I just couldn’t shake the feeling something bad was about to happen.

The same darkness remained with me throughout the week. I was scared that all the good memories we had built together could be wiped out within one conversation. His Dad knew how to work him, to get under his skin, to make him feel less than worthless. I despised him with every bone in my body, and would fight tooth and nail to keep him away from a guy that had caused so much heartache. But Joel had given me no option, despite my many desperate attempts to change his mind. In the end I had to literally bite my tongue to keep the peace, there was no reasoning with him and so I just gave up.

Joel stirred beside me and my fingers instantly itched to touch him. I wanted to trace his fine, delicate features to commit them to memory. My eyes observed every small movement he made, but I couldn’t wait a moment longer. I needed him right now. Before his eyes were even open I pressed my lips against his, feeling the usual tingles fill my body. I closed my eyes, letting the sensation takeover.

I needed for him to know how I felt, for this to be fresh in his mind, for him to be in no doubt how much I loved him.

“That’s a nice wake up call, I’m going to miss that over the next few days,” he said with a lazy smile. His voice was all croaky, and his sleepy eyes bore the same crinkles in the corner I truly loved.

I brushed my face up against his stubble, closing my eyes to try and hide the tears. The sound of his voice was enough to make me lose all self-control, I couldn’t hold back no matter how much I willed it.

He instantly frowned and a look of concern filled his eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong…why are you crying?” The pain in his voice was evident, he hated seeing me upset but I couldn’t help it, my darkest fears were taking over and I was losing all control.

I swiped away a tear, trying to regain some composure. “I don’t want you to go, just being around him will affect you, he’ll make you feel worthless, dragging you down. Can you not ask Robert if we can go and see him after Christmas together?”

He bit his lip in frustration, his eyes never leaving mine. He was working out the right way to tell me the words I didn’t want to hear. “Iz…I’ve promised him now, you know he’s on his own and he’s been on at me for a while to go. I’ve put it off as I didn’t want to leave you but he asked me especially, please don’t make me break a promise.”

I closed my eyes as fresh tears slid down my cheeks. I buried my head deep in the pillow, as his fingers soothingly stroked my hair.

“Hey Izzy, please don’t cry, you’re building something inside your head that isn’t going to happen. Calm down it’s only five days and then I’ll be back home with you, we’ll wake up Christmas morning together wrapped in each other’s arms, I promise.”

His words were not enough to appease my fears. I knew from the moment he left I’d never take a reassuring breath until the moment he returned.

“Fine,” I snapped. Regardless of what I said it was futile, he’d made his mind up to go. I pulled the duvet up over my head, as more tears escaped. A cold chill ran through my body causing me to shiver. It was like nature’s way of preparing me for what was about to happen. Inside I knew I needed to put on a brave face, but for a few moments I wanted to be selfish, to put my own needs first.

He peeled back the duvet, breaking me away from my safe little cocoon. “Iz…Izzy, please. I don’t want to leave under a black cloud…” He pulled me in close, his chest pressed up against my back and kissed my hair. “I need to be with you, I can’t last the next five days if I don’t, please don’t push me away.” His fingers stroked my arm, sending a trail of goose bumps in their wake.

I closed my eyes, desperate to lock the demons away, even if it was just for a short period of time. I knew they would come back with a vengeance the moment he walked out the door. For now I had to pretend for his sake.

I pushed myself back round, so our faces were barely inches apart. His thumb brushed away the tears and I moaned softly, when his lips gently brushed up against mine. He pulled back, almost like he was wary of my reaction.

I let out a large exhale of air, of all the pent up frustration I had been holding in what seemed like forever, and kissed him back hard. His eyes widened and he instantly responded. Our mouths locked together, our kisses becoming more and more urgent, like we realised how limited our time was together.

“I need you Joel,” I whispered, breaking away, staring deep into his eyes. “I will always need you, please remember that.”

He nodded slightly and his eyes glazed over. I knew he was too emotional to speak, so I pulled him close, hesitating slightly before pressing my lips against his. We no longer needed words. I just needed him to show me, to love me and to be with me right at this moment. I needed him to take my breath away one more time, before he walked out the door.

* * *

Joel kept to his promise in ringing and texting several times a day. He appeared fine, forever reassuring me just how much he missed me. His voice still left me breathless and I physically ached to touch him, to be near him once again. The bed was just way too big without him. I missed the comfort of his warm, hard body wrapped around mine. My only consolation was the t-shirt he had left. I wore it every night, enveloped in his scent. It was the only reassurance I had and was enough to keep the demons at bay. The anxiety had lessened with each phone call but hadn’t fully gone away. I was always well aware never to count on anything, my mind always reminding me that something could go wrong.

On the fourth day I heard nothing, his usual calls had ceased and my texts remained unanswered. I had talked myself up into that much of a frenzy Elijah had come over, quickly packing an overnight bag and dragged me over to stay at his. Despite my reluctance I knew being alone would mean dwelling and staying up all night worrying.

The night had been long and restless and despite my many attempts to will myself, sleep had failed to come. Instead I scrutinised every last conversation we shared over the last few days, going through his moods on each and every phone call, slowly driving myself mad.

Had I missed something?

Was there anything I hadn’t picked up on?

The truth was deep down I knew the reason behind his silence, I just didn’t want to admit to myself that my darkest fears were about to come true.

* * *

I woke early the next morning, quickly gathering up my belongings and headed home, I wanted to be there when he arrived back. The moment I pushed open the door I knew something felt different. There was a shift in the air as fear crept up inside me.

I clicked on the light and my breath hitched. Joel’s bag was sitting on the floor with his coat slung over the top. I studied it for several seconds, almost too scared to breathe.

Why hadn’t he told me he was back?