I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (35 page)

I bit my lip anxiously, so hard I tasted blood. My heart began to drum hard in my chest, everything pointing to bad. I wasn’t certain if I was brave enough to face what was beyond the door.

I unwound my scarf and my fingers shook, grasping the wool tight. I hung it up along with my coat, I knew I was biding my time but I couldn’t put off the inevitable forever.

The rest of the flat was in complete darkness. My breathing became shallower with each step, till it was almost non-existent. I stood silently at the door, with my ear pressed up tight against the hard wood. I could just about make out his light breathing.

A tear trickled down my cheek, hearing the sound I had missed so much. My heart ached for him, to be near him once again.

My thoughts took on a different direction the moment I opened the door. I clicked on the small lamp to reveal the sight of him asleep, clutching a three quarters empty bottle of Jack. It was enough to take my breath away for all the wrong reasons.

His angelic expression looked so worn, so tortured. I didn’t need to see his eyes to know what had gone on. I could feel the energy around him was far from good. The blood coursing through my veins now turned to ice.

He stirred a little reacting to the light, attempting to bring himself round from his drunken stupor.

Tears filled my eyes, watching his bloodshot ones begin to flutter. He eventually prized them open, but the glare he gave me was a look I’d never forget.

“What are you doing here?” he snapped.

I flinched at his response. His voice sounded so cold and heartless. His eyes were dark and hard and held no emotion. The warmth normally residing there was long gone, he was like an empty shell of the man I knew and love.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here, what kind of a question is that?”

He jumped slightly when I moved to go near him, avoiding my eyes. I could tell he was embarrassed to be caught out when his hand dropped the bottle.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” I asked softly. I needed for him to open up to me, to tell me what was wrong, so we could try and fix it.

What had made him go to this extreme? He only hit the Jack when things were really bad, but I didn’t have to be Einstein to know who was the reason behind it all.

He groaned, closing his eyes and turned over, pulling the cover over his head as a means of escape. He was retreating back into his shell and pushing me away.

Anger surged through me, he was freezing me out once again. I grabbed the cover hard, wrenching it away from him, so he was fully exposed. There was nowhere to hide; he had to face me. I was determined to find out what was the cause of his downfall.

His face contorted in anger. “For fuck sake Izzy, knock it off.” He grabbed the duvet back off me with such force, he almost dragged me off my feet.

I stumbled forward and tears pricked my eyes, at his cold, cruel actions. “Joel, what the fuck is going on, you’d better tell me right now.” My body shook with anger and fear, he had never been physically rough with me before. I was determined he was going to give me some answers, even if I had to drag them out of him.

“Just do me a favour and leave me alone,” he spat out, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

“What to let you wallow in your misery? I don’t think so,” I snapped back. “Tell me what has happened while you were away.” I stood holding my breath with my eyes boring into him, waiting for a response. My heart slammed inside my chest at the reality that my worst fear was about to come true.

He kept his back to me using it as a barrier, not capable of looking me in the eye. “It’s none of your fucking business, just leave me the fuck alone.”

Leave him alone?

The rage intensified inside. I couldn’t believe his Dad had screwed even more of his life up. I launched myself across the room, tears streaming down my face. I grabbed the bottle, the root of all evil and hurtled towards the kitchen.

I knew Joel was close behind. I heard his footsteps fast approaching at what I was about to do, but I ran quickly unscrewing the cap, emptying the contents down the sink.

He grabbed my arm, spinning me around, the final remains trickled onto the floor. “What the fuck Izzy?” His eyes were dark and filled with rage, as his fingers dug hard into my skin.

I flinched with the pain as fear ripped right through me, but I wouldn’t let him see how scared I was.

I squared up to him, so our faces were barely inches apart. “Sorry is that you Joel, or your Dad talking? Cause right at this fucking moment I can’t tell the difference.”

He instantly let go. My words had the desired impact, snapping him out of his rage. He turned his back on me, walking over to the other side of the room, so I couldn’t see his face anymore. I could only imagine the look he now displayed. He hated being compared to his Dad, my words were cruel but I needed him to see how badly he was behaving.

Unable to be apart a moment longer, I closed the distance between us and soothingly placed my hand against his warm, naked skin. He flinched, quickly recoiling from my touch, like he could no longer bear me being near.

“Joel, you’re going to tell me what’s wrong, what the hell happened at your Uncles? I know it’s to do with your Dad. Whatever it is we can get through this, don’t push me away, please I’m begging you, talk to me.”

We stood in complete silence, the only sounds filling the air were the sounds of our breaths. My heart hammered deep into my chest, waiting for him to speak, preying he would just let me back in.

“Izzy.” His tone was glacial and my heart plummeted.

I had been here before; I knew where this was heading.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I think we should break up. You’re trying to change me into someone different and I’m not your happily ever after. I screw girls and break their hearts, that’s just what I do. What we had was fun but I’m bored, you need to go find someone else and let me get back to being the real Joel.”

What?

Liar.

I instantly stood back in shock; his cold, cruel words left me reeling. I fought hard to keep breathing, despite my body’s best attempt to shut down.

It was all a lie, it had to be.

I knew the real Joel, this guy was fake, an imposter. It was who he became when he retreated back into his old shell.

“Fun? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what you think Joel? Tell me the truth straight from the heart,” I screamed. “Cause I don’t fucking accept it, I know the real you, the Joel who wants to be loved, he’s still there inside just the old Joel is doing one hell of a good job trying to mask it.” Tears poured down my face. I hoped my words would break through his cold, hard exterior, but he showed no emotion when he turned around.

The cold, dark eyes staring back were not familiar, it was like looking at a stranger. The Joel I knew and loved was gone.

His eyes dropped down to the floor. “Just accept it’s over Iz, I have. I told you I’d end up breaking your heart and I’m sorry but we’ve been living a lie. I can’t let it carry on, you need to pack your stuff and let me move on.”

Move on? Just like that?

In that moment I hated the coward he had become. I charged at him, pushing his chest, so he fell back hard against the counter. He grabbed me and I lost my footing, hitting my forehead hard on the edge of the cupboard.

I groaned with the instant pain and my hand instantly touched my face, feeling the warm blood begin to trickle down my forehead.

His eyes flickered for a moment, looking almost apologetic. They soon returned back to their icy stare, his face still held no emotion. I felt like my heart had slowly been ripped apart. I snatched up the nearest tea towel and pressed it against my head to stem the bleeding, trying to ignore the blinding pain.

A tear rolled down my cheek at what I was about to say. “I know what you really feel for me Joel, stop trying to do me a favour all because you let your Dad screw with your head. I’m tired of trying to let you know how much I love you. I can’t keep fighting you on it. You should know by now how I feel and yet you let your Dad win every time, he destroys you and so you destroy me.

I hope you’re happy with yourself, if that’s what you want, to have your old life back then go ahead. Go and shag as many girls as you like, but you’ll always still see my face. I’ll still be in your dreams, I will haunt you everywhere you go, cause I am in here.” I slammed my hand against his heart and he flinched with the contact, quickly stepping back, as my hand dropped back down to my side.

“When you do finally wake up and realise I was the best thing you ever had, I will have moved on. I’m not prepared to spend another six years of my life waiting around for you to decide, I deserve more. So you go back to the old Joel, the Joel that didn’t give a fuck but know this, I know the truth. You think I don’t recognise this whole charade you’re putting on, trust me you’re not that good an actor. But before I leave, you should know you haven’t just broke my heart, you’ve shattered it into a million pieces. It’s now beyond repair, see I know this was it for me, it doesn’t get any better than the love we shared. The only person I ever wanted, ever needed is standing right in front of me. One day you’ll realise that too, or maybe it was one big lie and you had me fooled the whole time.”  My voice broke on the last few words, at the idea of actually walking away from him.

He stood frozen in front of me. The muscle twitched in his tight jaw, as he stayed completely silent with his hands balled into fists.

I swiped away the tears that were now coming fast, as the realisation that it was actually over finally registered.

My heart shattered.

I’d hoped for some reaction, but his eyes still remained cold and soulless. The Joel I loved was no longer here, he vanished the moment he walked out the door five days earlier. I couldn’t bear to look into the cold, dark eyes of this imposter a moment longer.

The sobs came thick and fast. I needed to leave before I collapsed on the floor and totally gave into the grief.

I stormed past him, tears streaming down my face. I fought to keep breathing, though in the present moment I just wanted to die. I yanked the door open, launching myself down the stairs, running out into the cold, icy morning air.

I didn’t get far, my legs were already giving out. My body was beginning to shut down, the grief too hard to take. I collapsed onto the bench just outside the pub, the warm tears stung as my face grew increasingly numb. In my rush to leave all thoughts of grabbing my coat had gone straight out my head, my mind consumed by Joel and putting some distance between us.

I sat shivering, as the chill spread throughout my body, watching as the sun began to rise on this cruel winter morning.

I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting here. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. All I was aware of was the numb feeling, spreading through my veins. My chest heaved, as the sobs racked through my body. I was right back where I started, only this time the torture was far greater. I knew I’d never recover from losing this one true love, I’d be mourning its loss for the rest of my days.

I lay back on the bench and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep, to block it all out and pretend like everything was still fine. My breaths became shallower, as my body slowly turned to ice and I sighed with relief, feeling myself slowly slip under.

Soft, gentle snowflakes were enough to rouse me, when they began to nestle against my skin. I looked up into the dark morning sky, to see flakes tumbling down around me. It was the first snowfall of the season.

I loved snow.

It had the power to make even the most horrid of places appear beautiful, with its perfect white blanket.

The flakes began falling faster and I reached up with my hand towards the sky, catching and feeling the flakes flutter between my fingers. I softly hummed our song, hearing his sweet, tender voice in my head. I closed my eyes as fresh tears escaped down my cheeks, holding onto the memories we shared, as they played out in my head.

The feel of warm fingers brushing up against my skin jerked me awake, as a pair of strong arms wrapped around me.

My eyes fluttered open, hoping to look into his loving, warm blue. A fresh tear trickled down my cheek when Elijah’s face filled mine.

“Sweetie, you’re going to freeze out here, where is your coat?”

I knew in that moment Joel had called him. He probably wanted me out the way, so he could begin his new life.

One that no longer included me.

“I don’t know…” I whispered.

I was too numb to care

He pulled me upright and tucked me under his arm, walking the short distance to Mike’s car. Elijah slowly manoeuvred me inside, where I came face to face with Mike’s angry glare. I could tell he was only managing to keep a lid on it.

Elijah quickly climbed in beside me and I heard the engine spring to life. He clicked shut my seatbelt before grabbing hold of both hands, desperately rubbing and blowing, to bring life back into them. I didn’t care, they were dead like the rest of me. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sleep forever.

“Izzy. What the fuck? Did Joel hit you?”

I didn’t have the energy to respond, it was taking everything inside to just keep breathing.