In His Eyes (15 page)

“I’m sorry, Connor.” She fell against the chair back and shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to be smart with you. I only wondered—”

“Forget it.”

An uneasy expression settled on her face. “Okay, but I want you to know I’m trying to change.”

He looked discouraged. “Maybe it’s me, but I hear something in your voice. It’s a tone.”

“What tone?”

“It’s just something in the sound of your voice.”

“I sound prideful…self-important?” Her question rang with discouragement. “If so, I’m trying to do better, Connor.”

“It’s just a tone. And thanks for realizing it bothers me.”

Ellene rose, and when she reached his side, she sat on the chair arm and wrapped her arm around his back. “Connor, I need so much work. I wish I could hire a crew to renovate me. That would be so much easier. And keep being honest, okay?”

Honest.
The word struck him. “Nothing in this world is easy, and while we’re talking honesty—” He fumbled. “I need to clear the air. I’ve been avoiding something I need to tell you.”

A scowl raced to her face. “Avoiding what?”

He scooted over and slid her onto his lap. “We’ve come far in the past couple of weeks, and I hope you can understand—”

“Tell me,” she said, squirming sideways to look into his face. “What’s this about?”

“Daddy!” Caitlin’s voice cut through her question.

Ellene gave a start as Connor jumped upward, dumping her into the chair. She felt as if he’d taken her to the brink of a chasm and then hung her over the edge. What about his past? What hadn’t he told her that would be that important? Her mind flew with speculation. She had to know.

“Connor?”

He turned, his face drained. “Later,” he said, rising to greet Caitlin.

His daughter gave him a cursory hug, then focused on Ellene. “I thought it was you,” she said, grinning as she bounded across the carpet toward her.

“How was school?” Ellene asked, managing to keep her voice steady.

“Good.”

Caitlin hoisted herself onto Ellene’s lap and fondled the collar on her blouse.

“I like the flowers,” she said, touching each of the blossoms on the fabric.

Ellene wanted to scream, not at the child, but at the bad timing.

Later?
When would later be? She couldn’t stay late. She had errands to run, and she knew Caitlin
wouldn’t leave her side. She pinched the flesh beneath her nose, trying to regain her composure.

“What’s wrong?” Caitlin asked, a frown etching her face.

Ellene scrambled for a response. “Nothing. I was just thinking about you.”

“I think about you, too. I think about when you were on the island with us. Remember when we went for the sled ride and we tipped over, and when you went shopping and bought me a sweatshirt and one for you so we could be twins? We had fun.”

Ellene looked at the child, thinking that life just wasn’t always that fun. “I remember.”

“Caitlin,” Connor said, “change your school clothes so you don’t get them dirty.”

“Daddy,” she whined. “I always have to do things.”

Ellene looked away, agreeing with Caitlin, but that was being an adult. “Are you packed and ready to move?”

“We’re not moving yet.”

“But soon, your dad said.”

“I know, but I don’t know what to pack.”

Ellene rubbed her arm, realizing Connor wasn’t going to say a word with Caitlin nearby. “Would you like me to help you for a while? I can’t stay long though.”

Caitlin’s face brightened “Okay,” she said, slipping off Ellene’s lap. She turned to Connor. “Where are the boxes?”

“I set two in your room. I told you.”

“I forgot.” She beckoned to Ellene, then headed for her bedroom.

Ellene rose, giving Connor a questioning look.

“Are you coming?” Caitlin called from the doorway.

Connor gave her a helpless look. “Don’t worry, Ellene. It’s just something I want you to know, but now’s not good.”

Ellene knew he wouldn’t budge. “I’ll call you later then.”

“This isn’t a phone conversation. Please. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? You mean at the cottage.”

He shrugged. “Yes, if we can find a minute alone.”

“Ellene!” Caitlin called.

“Coming,” she said.

E
llene stood just inside Caitlin’s doorway and looked at the pile of toys filling the walls, bookshelves loaded with books and clothes strewn around the room.

“Pretty messy,” Ellene said, giving her a chastening grin.

Caitlin sank to the floor, flipping one of her tops with her feet. “I know.”

“Where are the boxes?” Ellene gazed around the room and saw two sitting in the corner, draped with a pair of rosy-colored cords. She tugged at the boxes, then dragged them to the middle of the room.

Caitlin fidgeted beside the boxes, dragging clothing toward her with her feet.

“I thought you wanted me to help you,” Ellene reminded the child.

“I do,” she whined.

“You said
help.
That means we both work, not just me. And you know what? It has to be done, so once you get it finished, it’s not a problem anymore. You’ll have time to play with no one nagging you.”

Caitlin thought that over and raised to her knees. “But I don’t know what to do.”

Ellene sat on the edge of the unmade bed. “First, let’s put your clothes away, or if they’re dirty, pile them by the door.”

Caitlin didn’t move at first, and Ellene began to understand Connor’s discouragement. Ellene didn’t budge, either, but glanced at her watch. “Too bad. Time’s flying, and I have to leave soon.”

Finally, Caitlin got to her feet and picked up the clothing she’d been fiddling with. She dropped it by the door, then gathered some other items.

Ellene rose and handed her hangers as she worked at disposing of the garments. “Now, what toys can you live without for a week? Those are the ones you should pack. Leave a few things you’d like to have here.”

“I like it when you’re here,” Caitlin said, as she dropped toys into the carton.

“Thank you. I like being with you.”

Caitlin held a toy suspended in her hand. “I don’t remember my mommy very well anymore.”

“I’m sorry about that, Cait.”

“I have a picture.” She shifted things on her dresser and carried back a framed photo of a young
woman with fleshy cheeks and short brown hair. She had the same shape nose as Caitlin and a similar smile.

Ellene’s chest tightened watching the child study at her mother’s image. “Your mom’s pretty. I can see you in her smile.”

“You can?” Caitlin drew the photograph closer so that her nose nearly pressed on the glass.

“Aunt Phyllis says I look like my daddy.”

Caitlin lowered the photograph and looked at her as if asking what she thought.

“Your eyes. They’re just like your daddy’s. They’re beautiful.”

Ellene saw her tilt her head toward the mirror over her short dresser. She grimaced and smiled, trying on different faces until Ellene laughed. “You look like a monkey when you make all those faces.” Ellene stood behind her and rested her hands on her shoulders.

Caitlin’s gaze raised from the mirror to Ellene’s face. “You’re beautiful, too.”

“Thank you.”

She turned to face Ellene and wrapped her arms around her waist. “I wish you were my mommy now.”

Ellene’s heart plummeted to her stomach and bounced back. “I know it’s difficult not having a mother, Caitlin. Your daddy tries to be a mother and father to you.”

“I love my daddy,” Caitlin said, “but I want you to be my mommy.”

Ellene’s heart ached for the child. Her pulse skipped, trying to find a response that the girl could understand. “I’d be honored to be your mother, Caitlin, but being your mom means that your daddy and I would have to fall in love and get married.”

“Okay.”

Caitlin’s matter-of-fact response made Ellene grin. She lifted her gaze and saw Connor standing outside the door. He gave her an uneasy look, then moved away from the door.

“Daddy said if I pray, God will hear my prayers. So I’ll pray that you and daddy—”

Ellene knelt in front of the child. “Caitlin, we can pray for things, but God doesn’t always say yes. I really like your daddy a lot, but that’s something only your daddy and I can decide.”

“You, Daddy and God,” Caitlin said, her voice ringing with confidence.

And God.
The child’s words hit her with awareness. Ellene had done much soul-searching, but she hadn’t put her problem in God’s hands and it was time she did.

She drew the girl into her arms and held her. Her thin body molded against Ellene’s, and Caitlin’s fragrance of grape juice and apples filled her senses. She loved the girl more than she could say. Life would never be the same without Caitlin and Connor, and yet he had a secret to tell her, something he’d avoided.

Her nerves felt raw having had Connor let the conversation drop in the middle of something so important. She wanted to know what it was, but not today. Maybe tomorrow, she hoped.

She had her own confession, and it had been on her mind for so long. Sometimes she wondered if Connor would just laugh and say it was nothing. Other times she feared he would be so disappointed it would destroy their relationship. She’d even considered not saying anything at all, but one thing she’d been taught from childhood, honesty was next to godliness in her parents’ eyes.

God had the answer, but Ellene wanted it, too. She needed God’s help, and she needed patience.

“What do you think?” Connor asked, while Ellene surveyed the construction work in the upstairs bedroom area.

“It’s much bigger than it looked on paper.”

“I told you that.” Connor chuckled.

She gave him a wry smile.

“This is my room,” Caitlin said, sticking to Ellene’s side. “My toys are downstairs, though, because the work guys would fall over the boxes. That’s what Daddy said.”

“And he’s right.” Ellene tousled her hair. “It’s a really nice room, though.”

“I know and it’s bigger than my room in St. Clair Shores.”

“I know,” Ellene said, letting Caitlin pull her away while she explained what the room would look like when it was finished.

Connor saw the look on Ellene’s face, and he knew she was thinking about their interrupted conversation. He feared she’d blown the content out of proportion. Before they could finish the talk, he had to find something to preoccupy Caitlin.

If he and Ellene were to make a go of their relationship, everything had to be on the table—everything out in the open, no secrets. Marriages were difficult enough without either partner hiding something significant from his or her past.

Maybe he wanted to tell Ellene as much for himself as for her. He’d felt guilty throughout his marriage to Melissa and worse after she died. He’d remained true to her, but the devotion he’d wanted to feel hadn’t been there.

“This will be a mess to live in for a while,” Ellene said, stepping over a stack of two-by-fours, then dodging a pile of drywall. “At least the insulation is up. They should get to the walls on Monday.”

“They said it could be ready to paint next weekend.”

Aunt Phyllis’s voice sailed up the staircase. “Are you upstairs?”

“We’re here,” Connor said, turning to make his way down to the first floor. Ellene and Caitlin followed.

When they reached the bottom, his aunt opened her arms to Ellene. “I thought that was your car in
the driveway.” She hugged Ellene, then stepped back. “Have you been to the store yet?”

“No, we’re going in a few minutes. Would you like to come along.”

“Thanks, but no. I just wanted to say hello. And a verse came to mind on my way over.”

Connor felt his back stiffen. “A verse?”

“From Job,” his aunt said.

“Job. Now that sounds ominous.”

“Job was a man of faith who suffered many trials but continued to love the Lord, Connor.”

He nodded his head like a head-bobbing doll until he stopped himself. “I know about Job, Aunt Phyllis. So what’s the verse?”

She arched an eyebrow. “The verse is for Ellene. ‘Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.’”

Ellene seemed to study his aunt’s face, as if trying to figure out what the scripture meant to her. “Thank you,” she said.

From her expression, Connor assumed she didn’t know what the verse meant, but he had a guess. He shifted his attention to Caitlin, praying she’d agree. “Do you want to stay with Aunt Phyllis? We’ll only be gone a short time.”

“I want to—” She began in a whiny voice, then stopped as if remembering. “I want to go with you and Ellene,” she said in a pleasant tone.

“You asked very nicely, Caitlin,” he said, giving
Ellene a quick look to explain why he couldn’t say no. “You can come along, too.” He sent up a quick prayer that God would help him find some time during her visit to have their talk.

“Goodie,” she said, giving him a smile.

Ellene gave him a private shrug as if she understood he had no choice, and they ambled to the car with Aunt Phyllis chattering as if she’d never see them again.

“We’ll only be gone an hour or so,” he said. “We’ll see you when we get back.”

“That’s fine, but remember the verse, Ellene.” She patted her arm as she passed and headed toward her house.

Pepper’s bark sounded at the open windows, and Connor could hear his aunt shushing the dog as they climbed into the car.

Once inside, Ellene frowned as she clamped her seatbelt. “Did that verse make sense to you?”

“You know my aunt,” he said, checking behind him to see that Caitlin was buckled in. He turned back, avoiding a direct answer, because he didn’t want to presume anything, but he figured it was his aunt’s way of tempering Ellene’s attitude.

As they headed toward town, Connor viewed the landscape—the blossoming wildflowers along the road’s edge, the budding trees, the tulips and daffodils sprouting from residents’ flower beds. Spring had finally come, and with it a warm breeze that blew off the lake.

“The air smells so fresh,” Ellene said as the wind billowed through the half-open window. “The island looks so pretty this time of year.”

“The circle of life, things die and are reborn in spring.” His own circle of life hung in his mind.

“That’s in the
Lion King,
Daddy,” Caitlin said, then began singing in her piping voice, getting most of the words wrong.

“Sing, Ellene,” she called, trying to lean over the seat, though the seatbelt held her back.

“I’d rather listen to you,” Ellene said, glancing over her shoulder.

Caitlin continued to sing. Sometimes the songs were tuneless—ones she made up, Connor figured—but other times he recognized the tune.

Connor’s emotions throbbed, knowing that today he would tell Ellene everything, yet he was touched, too, seeing the two women who meant so much to him chattering together in the most natural way.

Sometimes he questioned his sanity. Why had he pursued Ellene for so long? Why had she stayed in his heart? He wasn’t sure he believed that each person had a soul mate, but for some reason, he’d often sensed that he and Ellene were meant to be together. As his faith grew, he attributed the feeling to part of God’s divine plan. Other times he wondered if the feeling was his own will and had nothing to do with God.

“How do Christians know for sure their choices
are God’s will?” He heard himself ask the question aloud, and it startled him.

Ellene snapped to attention. “That’s a strange question.”

Caitlin’s song faded. “Daddy, that’s a strange question,” she mimicked.

“It just popped into my head,” he said to both of them.

“We have to pray and ask God to assure us,” Ellene said. “It can be a gut feeling that this is right and good.”

“I don’t always trust my gut feelings.”

“I know, but sometimes things happen that make it so easy to know. Let’s say you wanted to go someplace, but you didn’t have the money, and then one day you open an envelope and you find a rebate check or a shareholder bonus for the exact amount you needed. That seems as if God is saying, trust me, trust your instincts.”

He nodded. “That makes sense, but not everything is that evident.”

“No, but you have to do things on faith, too. You ask God to help you decide. When you can’t imagine things going in any other direction but the one that sticks in your mind, then you can assume it’s God’s choice.”

He nodded, amazed that God had persisted to bring them together.

As he drove along the main street, Connor saw cars filling many of the parking slots. He felt good,
knowing people were out shopping. He had tremendous hopes for his sport store.

He made his way to his private parking place behind the store, turned off the ignition and unhooked his belt. “Here we are.”

They spilled from the car and headed into the back of the store, passing through the employees’ workroom. He watched Ellene survey the mess with questioning eyes, and when they stepped into the store, her inspection became more intense.

“The shelves are still dusty,” she said, dragging her finger across the display shelf and showing him the gray smudge on her finger.

“I’m working hard on building stock,” he said, “but while you’re here, feel free.” He ducked back into the workroom and when he came out, he tossed her a dustcloth.

She eyed it, and he saw her bite her bottom lip while her head swayed back and forth.

He walked closer to her and grasped her shoulders. “It’s okay. I’m pleased you’re willing to dust.”

He spun away, leaving her standing alone with a surprised expression while he enjoyed the teasing. When his eyes shifted, he saw Caitlin trying to climb onto an exercise bike that had just arrived in the store.

“Be careful,” he said, hurrying to her side.

“I will.” She eyed the pedal too low for her reach. “You should get these for little kids, Daddy.”

He chuckled. “Little kids ride real bikes. You don’t need a pretend one.”

“Yes, I do.”

He gave her a wink and glanced over her shoulder at Ellene. She’d taken him at his word, and he watched her a moment while she dusted the shelves near the employees’ doorway. “Hey, you,” he called, beckoning her forward.

She shifted toward him, still carrying the cloth. “Leave that by the door,” he said, “and thanks.”

She dropped the cloth by the doorway and came to meet him. “What?”

“Look around.”