In The End (Butterfly #1) (18 page)

‘What’s going on? And don’t tell me it’s nothing.’ I tried to sound as authoritative as Dr Leigh, this time succeeding, Nicholi looked enraged, glaring at Cross, his eyes menacing.

‘Great, Cross, anything else you would like to add or are you done?’ He was seething, but so was I, why was he keeping things from me?             

‘Sophia, I am in court this afternoon at the appeal hearing for the exhumation, I will call you as soon as I finish.’ I nodded as he walked away and Nicholi looked relieved.

‘Let’s get something to eat, you must be starving,’ he implored, taking my hand and attempting to lead me towards the stairs. Was he for real?

‘Er, no you don’t,’ I yelled, snatching my hand away from his a little too harshly, and he recoiled. ‘Tell me what’s going on right now, I have a right to know and keeping secrets from your soon-to-be wife is not the way to start a marriage.’ A smile slowly spread across his face and for a second my heart stopped, he was so beautiful and mine. No, I must focus.

‘Are you saying you will marry me soon, Miss Nichols?’ he asked, his voice teasing and sultry.

‘Stop, I know what you’re doing and it’s not fair, tell me what you are keeping from me right now,’ he sighed, gauging my reaction.

‘Let’s eat and I will tell you and show you everything.’ Show me? What was there to show me? He expected me to eat when this big secret was hanging over us, a volcano on the verge of eruption, well it would be if he did not honour his side of the agreement.

‘Fine.’ I allowed him to take my hand in his once again and we headed for the kitchen, my stomach applauding loudly. My appetite had returned and watching Nicholi take the food his mother had prepared for us out of the fridge now made it voracious.

‘I want to tell Jacob tonight, everything, I hate keeping secrets from him. How do you think he will react about the baby?’ This was really concerning me, I didn’t want him to think he was being pushed out, knowing that my brother really struggled when my parents had us. Identical twins, we were a spectacular sight especially when outside, the centre of attention and my brother confessed years later how difficult it had been for him. No, I would never let Jacob feel that way; he was our miracle.

‘I think he will be ecstatic, Sophia, he loves you and having a baby brother or sister will be amazing for him, he loves Max, please don’t worry.’ I sighed; don’t worry, easier said than done, and after devouring my sandwiches, tuna and sweetcorn, my favourite, I turned to Nicholi, ready for answers.

‘Ready whenever you are.’ A wry smile crossed my lips, vanishing as I saw his expression, devastation.

‘What, what is it? Please just tell me,’ I pleaded, almost whispering, my resolve to know suddenly floundering in his sea of despair.

‘The man you saw in the newspaper, the one you said had shot you, it wasn’t him, Sophia.’ A look of astonishment, confusion and sheer frustration swept across my face. I thought this was about Larissa and now there was something else to worry about.

‘How do you know?’ I asked, not wanting to know the answer, part of me wanting to slip back under the bubble of uncertainty, maybe curiosity did in fact kill the cat.

‘He called.’ My heart pounded. ‘I don’t want you to worry, baby, please, no one will ever hurt you, over my dead body.’ My heart stopped.

‘Please don’t say that, you don’t know what that means.’ I felt the tears pushing against the boundary of my soul, threatening to devour it, when he took my hand.

‘Nothing is going to happen to any one of us, I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe.’

‘What about you though, I can’t lose you, Nicholi, I can’t.’ My tears were flowing free, the salt stinging my lips. Would we ever have a normal life?

‘Hey, listen, no crying. We have had the best news anyone could ever receive; our love knows no bounds, Sophia, and we will grow old and grey sitting on the porch watching our grandchildren play. I promise you.’ The thought made me smile, Nicholi old and grey, no, he would always look to me the way he did now, sexy, mysterious and god-like.

‘You said you wanted to show me something?’ I was sitting on his lap, resting my head on his chest, just wanting to be enveloped in his arms for a moment before another round of uncontrollable fear hit. Nicholi led me upstairs to the second floor, the locked room I had discovered on my first day here, this time I would be entering. He took the key out of his pocket, opened the door and turned on the light. The back wall was covered with pictures, newspaper articles and police reports, it looked exactly like what I had seen in police drama shows on TV. I paused, unable to move my legs, the strength dissipating, why did I come in here? There were pictures of my Seth, my mother, none of Lexi though, odd, I thought, but was too distracted taking in everything else, the restaurant, memories started to breach their file cabinets. No, slamming the door, I ran out.

‘I can’t. I’m sorry,’ I whispered, suddenly feeling both breathless and nauseous at the same time.

‘It’s okay, Sophia; we don’t have to, not yet.’ Nicholi held me close, picking me up into his arms and carried me downstairs, laying me on the bed.

‘Why did you not have any pictures of Lexi?’ I asked, puzzled yet fearful at the same time. Nicholi just stared at me, his eyes penetrating my soul, his expression guarded.

‘Since that night you told me your story, how you remember that night, I have been waiting, waiting to see if you would say more, if you were holding it back either consciously or unconsciously or whether you just couldn’t form the words, but it’s none of that is it, you really don’t remember, do you?’ The colour drained from my face, years of therapy, being poked and prodded, my subconscious unravelling at the seams. ‘Sophia, you were there that night.’

I was there that night. The words vibrated through my unconscious mind, no, no, I was not.

‘Sophia, please try to remember, you need to do this, we need to move forward and the only way we can is if you can face what happened, we can do it together.’ No, no, my head was shaking, involuntarily, feeling Nicholi’s hands creeping inside, unlocking the cabinet I had sealed shut and never dared open.

‘Stop, get out of my head,’ I screamed, throwing my arms over my face, he could not see me like this; invisibility was my friend.

‘It’s alright, shush, I’m here.’ Nicholi pulled me into his arms, cradling me like a baby. I pictured him holding our child in his arms, rocking them back and forth at night. The feeling brought me comfort momentarily before the memories seized and took hold so strongly there was no forcing them back.

‘Mom, it’s me Lexi.’ After lying for the past two years about who I was, who we were, my mind still on occasion wanted to leap out and say,
no, it is Caitlan, I am Caitlan
, but I always fought it back. This was for Lexi and JC, one day we could tell them the truth, one day. ‘The audition went great, they offered me the part, Mom, and I’m going to be the principal.’

‘Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you, I always knew you would do it.’ A lump rose in my throat, she had so much faith in me, I longed to make her proud and now hearing her say those words my heart burst with happiness.

‘Thanks, Mom, I am just around the corner. Getting a cab was crazy. How’s everyone else?’ I could hear my sister and Seth in the background, arguing as usual over something. They fought like cat and dog over everything. Despite me being her identical twin, we were polar opposites, me shy, unconfident and locked in my own world. Her, outgoing, fiery and passionate, pretending to be her initially had been so challenging. I thought my parents would see through it in a second, but having to deal with, “my pregnancy,” kept them rather occupied and it had gone unnoticed how, different, Lexi seemed on the surface. Seth knew our secret, he was the only one who did, but would never tell, he was the most loyal person I knew.

‘All good, sweetie, JC is asleep and we are going to order soon, how close are you?’ I could see her through the window and waved as I entered the restaurant.

‘How did it go, sis?’ Seth bounded over to me, pulling me into a twelve-year-old bear hug. ‘Are you going to keep the hair?’ he muttered at me under his breath. I had dyed my hair black for the audition and wore brown contact lenses, wanting to get into the character of the Black Swan. Changing my hair felt like my connection to the darkness within her. Everyone hated it and looking in the mirror I knew why. I looked like a completely different person, though having spent the last eighteen years of my life looking in the mirror figuratively speaking every time I saw my sister it was a pleasant experience to feel truly different, not only in name, but in looks too.

‘Hey, sis, you look hot.’ My soul sister winked at me, the fake tan she had plastered all over me still glowing radiantly. I looked like I had just been to the Caribbean and smiled at the prospect. I was glad things had turned out this way, my dad was supposed to be accompanying me on the trip with my sister and we were to meet Lucas afterwards, our secret of course, but he had got called away for work so my mom had brought us all including the baby. Our first trip together as a family, and I peeked at JC asleep in his car seat, so blissfully ignorant and beautiful.

He looked just like his mom, well, me too of course, big light blue eyes and blond curls, though I swear he was starting to darken a little. My sister thought I was crazy at the suggestion he may end up with brown hair, our family were all blond and the thought was preposterous to her despite having told me the guy she had created JC with was dark. I peeked around the restaurant, we were the only ones here except for the staff and it seemed eerie somehow. It was a typical mid-range Italian restaurant in New York, all red interior with brown wooden furniture. Pictures hanging on the walls of old Italian gangsters, Al Capone, newspapers too in frames. It was rustic and with the neon sign overlooking the bar, a little tacky, but my father had booked the restaurant as a treat so I could not complain. I was so caught up in my thoughts I had not heard the door slam behind me, only feeling Seth jump in reaction at my side.

‘Folks, stay where you are, there will be no trouble,’ A burly man in his twenties called from behind and I reflexively turned, he was holding a gun, an M16. My grandfather was a gun collector and a butterfly collector, go figure, and I would recognise that weapon a mile away. My heart stopped, behind him were two other men and a third was keeping watch at the door.

‘Why are they here? It’s meant to be closed now,’ one of the men huffed to the other. The restaurant should have been closed, but had agreed to stay open a little later for my celebration party, my father having paid them a considerable amount to do so.

‘Shut it and go get the cash.’ He gestured towards the waiter who was frozen in place at the bar, unable to breathe let alone open the cash register. I do not know what came over me, all my life I had been the meek, quiet one, sitting in a corner, the observer of life rather than the participant, but right in that moment, I knew what I had to do. My family were here because of me and I needed to get them out safely, they wanted money, I would get them the money.

‘Here I will open it for you.’ After spending the past six months working as a waitress I knew how to open a register and with that as my thought, getting the money, I ignored the yells of my mom and sister and walked calmly to the bar, brushing aside the waiter who was on the verge of collapse and opened the cash drawer.

‘Where would you like me to put the money?’ I whispered, daring to raise my eyes a little, but not wanting to see their faces. That is the golden rule of survival, you do not see them to recognise them, and they let you go.

‘Aren’t you a brave one and pretty too, so god-damn pretty, I like brunettes and look at those big chocolate eyes.’ His voice was husky and wanton. I recoiled, focusing on my hair, it was black not brunette, but mixed with my blonde under this light, yes, maybe a brunette. I stole a glance at his gun, again the M16, same as the other guy, my head was yelling,
these are not common thieves, Caitlan, get out of there
.

‘Here’s the money.’ I kept my eyes down, handing the bag I had filled with the register’s contents across the bar, and slowly made my way back towards my family.

‘No you don’t.’ I froze. ‘You are such a sweet thing, look at that ass.’ He made a kissing sound with his lips and I wanted to throw up. ‘What I could do with that ass.’

‘She is just a kid, leave her alone,’ my mom hollered, standing and looking them straight in the face.
No, Mom
, I inwardly screamed,
don’t look at them
.

‘Ah, this is mommy then, yes I can see the resemblance now and you’re still hot, hmm this is going to be fun. Oh what have we here, another, big sister, now this is going to be a party.’ I wanted to run, to scream, to hide, all of those things and more, but I was rooted to the spot with this sick guy who was now holding onto my arm tightly. I looked at Seth, he had been quiet the whole time, but was now gesturing something to me, the kitchen door, I could see it, he was pointing towards the baby who, thank god, was still asleep and they had not seemed to notice him. Why was Seth directing me to the kitchen? Then I saw, a man, wow a beautiful man, dark hair and sapphire blue eyes, he was gesturing to me to come to him. He looked familiar, but I could not place where I had seen him before.

My mother and sister were facing the other way and had not seen him. Could I get to him? Was he the police? So many thoughts ran through my head, my brain felt like it had been steamed and pressed. The door next to the kitchen was the bathroom
that is it, that is my way
. I turned and with my most daring smile addressed the man that had been the first to enter.

‘Please can I use the bathroom?’ Keeping my eyes as low as possible, my posture submissive, I was no threat.

‘Be quick, let her go now.’ Reluctantly he obeyed and leached over to my mom and sister. My heart was beating so fast as I headed towards the bathroom, checking to see if they were watching me, crap, one still was. Seth saw too and jumped out of his seat, running towards them screaming for them to let us go, his diversion. Grabbing the baby seat, I flew through the kitchen door, glancing behind me, my eyes meeting with my sister as she turned around, a smile lingering on her lips, her eyes at peace, into the arms of the dark-haired man.

‘Thank god, are you the police?’ I asked, my voice shaking, the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

‘No, but I have called them, are you all right, did they hurt you?’ The man gently stroked his finger down the side of my cheek and my body throbbed in response.

‘No, please take Jacob, I have to get back,’ I whispered, placing the seat down on the ground.

‘No you can’t, wait.’ He had grabbed onto my arm, pulling me back towards him.

‘My family is in there, let go.’ I struggled, and he released me.

‘What’s your name? The police will be coming, please wait with me,’ the man urged, but I couldn’t, my heart was being torn in two, JC was safe, but the others needed me,

‘It’s Caitlan, my name is Caitlan.’ It felt so good to say that, tell somebody who I really was again and the elation it brought, disconnected me from the moment briefly until I heard the gun shot. The man lunged for me, but it was too late, I had run back into the restaurant and there lying face down on the floor was my sister in a pool of blood, slowly cascading out across the linoleum floor, spreading towards the beige-coloured carpet. I froze, the wails of my mother and brother echoing, reverberating throughout my head.

‘No,’ I screamed, running and pulling my sister into my arms, her face was white, eyes once bright lifeless, so still, she was never that still, always on the move, always in trouble. ‘Lexi, please wake up.’ I was always the morning person; she was such a grump if you woke her up. I was fighting with her, wrestling with her subconscious,
please wake up. Come back to me.

‘Caitlan?’ My mother’s face, her eyes, so confused, she had lost a daughter, but she had come back and now she had lost the other.

‘I’m sorry, Mom, I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, and a slight smile spread across her lips as the gun went off again and she slumped down to the ground, the light extinguishing from her until there was nothing. I could not breathe; my lungs wouldn’t fill. I was choking and drowning. Seth was screaming behind me and on reflex without even thinking I grabbed the gun guy number two had left on the table and started shooting at anything, the wooden booths that diners would sit in for ambiance and privacy, the group tables, the chairs splintering like tissue paper under my rain of fire. The bar, the bottles and glasses shattering, decorating the room with crystal shards, glinting under the neon lights.

Guy number one had attempted to shoot back at me, but missed and I thundered on, the automatic weapon seemingly endless with ammunition until all I could smell was the stench of alcohol and hear the flames flickering in the distance, the place was on fire. I turned for Seth who had been behind me and found him lying down as though he was sleeping; he had fainted.
Oh Seth
, I pulled him into my arms, stroking his head, we were okay now, they were gone.

He was not moving;
wake up, Seth
, my mind spoke to his. Why wouldn’t he move? I felt the blood seeping through and soaking my jeans, I had been shot, no wait, it was not me, it was not my blood, I had killed my brother.

I was out of my body, floating, an observer of the living, not dead, but not alive either. Watching myself relieve that night with Nicholi, it was him. I had given Jacob to him myself. I shuddered, absorbing the memories back into my body and looked at Nicholi.

‘Baby, I’m so sorry we had to do that, I needed you to remember, do you?’ He held my hand in his, kissing my fingers, urging back the memories I had hidden for so long.

‘The men, the ones I shot at the restaurant, it was him.’

‘Yes, Sophia, I didn’t realise until I heard his voice and then it all fell into place.’

‘They were brothers, and I killed two of them, that’s why he shot me after the interview. It was nothing to do with Larissa; it was because of that night in the restaurant.’ A weight had been lifted off me and a new one placed.

‘He won’t get anywhere near you, baby, it’s okay, you are safe.’ Nicholi pulled me into his arms and I just clung on, as I wanted to that night and never let go.

‘You didn’t kill Seth, baby.’ He was stroking my hair, trying to ease my pain, something that was impossible.

‘How can you say that?’ He was alive before I started firing; it had to be me.

‘You said the guy fired at you and missed. Sophia, he missed you, but he hit Seth.’ I could not move, or speak, I had not shot him, but he was still dead, nothing had changed.

I was exhausted and unable to stay awake any longer; Nicholi had taken me back to bed and lay with me while I slept. My guardian angel from the beginning.

I awoke an hour later and just wanted some air, to breathe. My mind needed a release and so Nicholi had agreed I could come and collect the boys with him. I needed light, I needed unconditional love, I needed Jake.