In The End (Butterfly #1) (20 page)

Needing sleep desperately, I tried to close my eyes, the confessions of last night still so raw, my subconscious blistered and weeping.

‘How could you cheat on mom with her?’ I yelled, my voice dripping vehemently with disdain, disgusted at the man stood before me. A stranger who had helped save my life, my internal struggles fighting amongst themselves.

‘I never meant for it to happen, Cat, my head was all over the place and I made a mistake.’

‘Don’t call me that, not now, not ever.’ My father’s nickname for me, Cat. Hearing those words stung like a thousand hornets. ‘A mistake is forgetting your wallet or losing your keys, not sleeping with the devil, Dad.’

‘Your mother forgave me, but I’m not asking that from you. It’s all my fault.’ He sank to the floor, head in hands. My mother knew. This revelation hit me with the force of a sledgehammer, plummeting me into a black hole of despair. ‘It was meant to be me there, not her, not your brother.’ His voice dissipated to almost a whisper and I could not hear anymore, blocking the words that were blistering whenever they touched.

‘Goodbye, Dad.’ My voice was raw with unspoken disgust.

‘Wait, please, Nicholi, I know you love my daughter and want to protect her as much as I do. Larissa, she would never let go, would not accept it was over. I have been investigating that night for the last five years, pulling every contact I know and I believe that she orchestrated it. Every lead goes back to her, your brother.’ He stalled and my eyes once closed gouged into him.

‘What about Cross?’ My blood was curdling in my veins.

‘I think he is mine, Cross is your half-brother, Caitlan.’ I was swaying in time to the pendulum on the clock overhead, if only it would stop and the world would be quiet, every noise echoing throughout the room. The air conditioning hissing like a python awaiting its first taste of a newly captured prey, the buzzing of the mini fridge, a hive of bees under attack from an onslaught of killer bees. Every fibre of my being was shredding, like discarded paper.

‘Baby, I got you, come sit down. I think that is enough, Mr Thomas, you need to leave.’ Nicholi’s voice was harsh and disjointed, my head throbbing, disbelief swamping my consciousness. Closing and locking the door behind my father, hushed voices penetrating then quiet. I was cradled in Nicholi’s arms.

‘Let’s go to bed, baby, you need to rest, we will process this all tomorrow, for now sleep.’ I lay on my side, Nicholi’s arms wrapped securely around me and I let dreams enter, always a mistake.

***

I was sitting on the balcony at the hotel, the moon casting its reflective light allowing the shadows to dance amongst the crystal waters, rippling gently with the southern breeze. Looking at the stars twinkling down from up above I sighed with the weight of a million dreams crashing down, the pieces scattering across the lake, skimming the surface before they were sucked down into oblivion.

‘Penny for them?’ Cross was leaning against the back wall of the hotel, the moon moved, providing a momentary shimmer of light, illuminating his angelic face. I sighed once more.

‘Nothing and everything, same old, same old.’ My voice was travelling across the quiet abyss then dwindling back to silence. As he sat down next to me his hand unintentionally brushed against mine, sending ripples of pleasure down my body, and I shuddered.

‘Cold?’ Moving closer, he draped his arm around me, a protective shield from the elements though that just made it worse; I was not cold.

‘What my dad said back at the hotel, it’s not true, it can’t be.’ He looked pensively at me before replying.

‘Why?’ A simple question yet one filled with so much innuendo, laying waste to all the lies and just leaving the cold hard truth, though it was not cold at all and looking into his eyes I was drowning.

‘I…’ I whispered, my words stumbling away from me, like a lamb taking its first steps after birth. ‘Lexi would never have loved you the way she did, it is impossible.’ I closed my eyes; locking away all the memories that were trying desperately to fight their way through the blockade I had immersed them behind five years ago, though it felt like a lifetime.

‘He is not my father, I had a paternity test done when I was nineteen, she either lied to him or he wanted it to be true, I don’t know, but I don’t want to talk about that, it’s not important. Caitlan.’ The sound of my birth name brought me back to the present with the force of a hurricane, hearing my name on his lips I quivered internally. ‘I kept waiting and waiting, hoping, longing for you to face it, but I realise now you can’t. You have hidden from your feelings for so long they are impenetrable to you and it’s almost too late.’

My mind was frying, the electric circuits overflowing, no safety switch in place. ‘Here, this is yours, I gave it to you and I want you to have it.’ He placed the bracelet in my hand, the letter L sparkling under the caressing moonlight, shimmering against my pale skin. ‘I know, Caitlan; I knew from the moment we kissed that night. You loved me just as much as I loved you and you still do.’ My heart was pounding, the sound echoing against the quietness of the prairie, the wild flowers catching a gentle gust of wind, sending their perfumed goodness surrounding us.

‘Cross, I’m not your Lexi anymore; I haven’t been for five years. That girl you loved is gone and I cannot get her back for you. I love Nicholi so much and we have a future together.’ The tears escaping their dam were flowing briskly down my face, tortured by each revelation.

‘That is all true, Sophia, and I know it, as much as it pains me to admit it I know you and Nicholi are in love, but you love me too, I can feel it right now radiating out into me, you want me as much as I want you, please just admit it for once, be honest with me.’ Honest, that word conjures up so many meanings. To be honest means crawling on hands and knees through hot molten lava, searing ice burning exposed flesh, hearts crushed beyond viability, there was no other option, I owed him this.

‘You’re beautiful, god-like, an Adonis to be put on a pedestal and admired from afar. The first time I saw you I felt that and more, but you already know that as all women feel that way in your presence. That night when you were drunk with Alexis I was floored, how could you be so perfect on the outside, but so flawed inside and then I realised, you were not flawed at all it was me; it was always me. I could never compete with Lexi, she was untouchable, and everyone wanted her to be their friend in grade school. She was so full with the fire of life it was beyond impossible to not get drunk in it.

‘When you contacted her and wanted to write, it was the first time I had ever felt something was truly mine. Being an identical twin is a miracle and a curse, you are never treated as individuals and in our case as Lexi was the stronger character, I was just seen as an extension of her, but with you I was me, the real me, I could shine and that was all because of you. You made me able to dream about my life, my future, my hopes and I believed anything was possible with your love; we were impenetrable.

‘That night stole every hope and dream away from me, ripped out my heart and savagely beat every last element that made me the person your love had created. The night at the Lake House, seeing you with the model, my feelings of self-loathing and inner turmoil crept back in, you were right, I was jealous and I could not make sense of it. I love Nicholi, why would I be jealous of a girl you were dating, it made no sense.

‘Discovering that night who you really were, it all came flooding back, how much I loved you, our future, our lives together, but it was caught up with the love I have for Nicholi and what he means to me. You asked me to be honest with you and this is the best I can do. Your Lexi loved you completely and unequivocally. Sophia loves Nicholi in the same way, but she still loves you too.’ I never thought it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, always ridiculing those who claimed it possible; you cannot share your heart that way. When your heart has been torn to shreds and slowly rebuilt, those existing feelings still remain mingled with the new fibres, joining together, I loved both of them.

‘I can’t move on without you, you’re intrinsically linked to me in every way possible. I know I shouldn’t say this, you’re my brother’s fiancée, but I have to because if I don’t I will always wonder what if, and that’s no way to live. Sophia, Caitlan, both of you, I want you, all of you, with everything I have; I love you and will love you forever. I have to leave and give you space, we could have a life together, a future and it is not tarnished by the past or the present because our love transcends everything. Despite everything that has happened, we are still unequivocally linked as we were five years ago. You have my heart and always will.’ He pulled me into his arms and I was too weak to fight, my resolve shattered and longing. Our lips met once again, not like in the stables before he left my grandmother’s, no, this was new, fuelled with all the secrets we had shared, and all the desire that had ignited them thundered out into the kiss. He pulled away and we both gazed at each other.

‘Now that should have been our first kiss, I love you, baby, bye for now.’

The sound of a car horn jolted me awake, my eyes wanting to close and go back, fighting with my consciousness plaintively.

‘We are almost there, baby, not long now.’ I smiled softly at Nicholi, turning my eyes to the mirror, meeting Cross’s eyes briefly then pushing them to move away with all my strength. It would have been so easy to say none of that was real, it was just a dream, but the truth was, that was no dream, that happened in reality a mere eight hours ago on the hotel balcony and every part of my body knew that.

We arrived at Mia’s shortly after and having got Jacob tucked up in bed, I lay down next to Nicholi, watching him sleep. He was exhausted, as were we all, and for once in a long time he looked completely at peace. Feeling restless and not wanting to disturb him, I headed downstairs to the kitchen and saw Cross opening the back door with a rucksack, he was leaving.

‘Where are you going, you weren’t going to say goodbye?’ I cried, having no right to feel this way, but not being able to halt the unprecedented wave of hurt rattling through me.

‘I can’t stay, baby, and watch you play happy families with my brother knowing how much I wish it were me. It’s soul destroying and I can’t do this, pretend anymore. I am taking myself out of the equation; it is the only thing I have left. I have got a new lawyer for you, but with the undertaker admitting he was bribed to conceal the fact that Jacob wasn’t dead, there is no point in pursuing the exhumation, so I have asked him to investigate the bribery accusation, you will have peace soon, I promise.’ Opening the door, he stepped out into the night.

‘Please, don’t go, not like this.’ My head was pounding. ‘Cross, please.’ My voice filled with all the longing being near him created, fuelled by the anguish that he was leaving left me an empty vessel without a voice.

‘Take care of yourself; I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you. Goodbye, Sophia,’ and with those last words he was gone. The hum of the engine drowning out the sobs ravaging my body, he was really gone.

***

‘Hi, I’m Sophia Nichols and I’m eight months pregnant,’ was all I managed to say before a voice interjected.

‘Welcome, Sophia, I’m sure you will fit right into the group.’

I smiled in response and surveyed the room. It was full of married women with husbands who no doubt own multi-national companies and had neither a care in the world nor care about the world.
No, I cannot say that about people who I have just met for two minutes, I must restrain myself from judgements, after all isn’t that what I’m worrying they are doing. Judging the young single mother
.

I looked around deciding where to park my monster truck ass, noting instead of chairs and tables, the group of ten women were all positioning themselves on the floor in various states of readiness. Some were struggling to remove shoes and socks, others plumping up their cushion trying to get comfortable.

‘No chairs?’ I directed my question to the lecturer, worrying if I could even get on to the floor, how I would get back up again.

‘No, we find the mat relaxing and informal, a chance to meditate and look into one’s self,’ she replied as though reading from the pamphlet that I had rested my orange juice on this morning.

‘I see, well I hope you have a crane then.’ She looked back at me, bewildered.

‘You know, to get me back up again,’ I responded, half-serious. The lecturer just stared at me, her brow creasing with concern.

‘I’ll just go sit down,’ I muttered back, padding across to the mat.

We began with the usual icebreakers, introducing your neighbour, two truths and a lie game, then proceeded with announcing our due dates and sex of our babies if known.

Most of the women extended their introductions to include information about their partners and what they did for a living. I was right in my early impressions. Executive wives whose husbands were the CEO’s of some of the city’s biggest companies surrounded me. They even discussed recent vacations amongst which were tropical islands I had never heard of, let alone be able to spell, and hotels fit for royalty; I would hazard a guess.

It was getting closer and closer to my turn and I could feel the blood pooling in my cheeks. What was I going to say in response to their jet set lifestyles, I did not even have a passport.

I was saved by the ever-dependable pregnant woman’s bladder, and by the time she had returned we were starting the, what to expect when labour is imminent portion of the day.

The class seemed to go on and on, how to breathe when you are pushing a rhino out your lady bits, how to not throw up all over the doctor or scream obscenities when pushing said rhino out. Why had I come to this class? In addition, how could I make a quick getaway? I was not looking forward to labour as it was and I certainly did not feel any better for attending this class that no doubt cost a fortune, but I was not paying so what did I have to complain about. My little flexible friend was, known by the name Lucifer.

This piece of plastic could buy you anything you needed from cotton to darn your socks, should you have those proclivities, to a sock factory where you would never have those embarrassing moments that I was now facing. Having to remove my shoes to commune on the mats with all the other beached whales, only to discover I have a hole the size of Brazil in my sock. Speaking of Brazil, I yet again managed to turn a brighter shade of crimson at the break-out session when two of the fellow whales were talking about Brazilians.

Now I being me and all, someone who would not dream of torturing myself and pouring burning hot wax on my legs let alone thought that women would choose, yes choose, to do the same in their most sensitive parts, nearly choked on my decaf coffee when asked had I got mine done.

My response of, you have got to be kidding why would I ever did not go down well with Susanna, daughter of Hew of Stewartsville or something like that. Petite girl, except for the blubber of course, with her tamed dark locks in a bun so tight she looked like she was giving herself a face lift though I’m sure that’s on the agenda for conversation next, tummy tucks and boob jobs.

I excused myself to use the ladies’ room and stared at the girl I once knew in the mirror, though the reflection has somewhat changed shape, I could see myself if I contorted here and there. My long blonde hair was pulled up into a ponytail and my Casper-like skin had flecks of pink from my earlier moment of ridicule, or were they burst blood vessels? Who knows, carrying on board a two-ton truck weight tends to have its effect on one’s skin. Just ask the stretch marks, all fifty thousand of them. Coconut oil my ass, rubbing that in three times a day and constantly smelling like a bounty bar had done nothing to halt the subway map that was now firmly transposed to my once flat stomach.

Oh well, time to return to class and be ridiculed some more
. I headed out the bathroom and across into the mock birthing suite, re-joining the beached whales back on the mat.

The next part of the class we were to discuss breastfeeding, and this was something I felt passionate about doing. Why would anyone choose to give their infant milk from another species when they produced the most nourishing five-course meal themselves? To my utter astonishment there was only one other hand up indicating they were willing to try to breastfeed their baby.

Leah, I remember from the introductions, was a very articulate woman and actually appeared somewhat out of place in the group almost as much as I did. She had the matching rhino belly, but on contrast to my paleness, she was tanned with dark hair and green olive eyes, cat-shaped and very striking.

Seeing both our hands up Susanna piped up with the usual nonsense you often hear concerning breastfeeding.

‘I don’t see the need, we are not from a third world country and I can certainly afford formula,’ Suzanna scoffed.

‘It’s disgusting, boobs are for sex,’ Jane replied, turning her nose up in the air as if trying to avert a very putrid odour penetrating her piggy-shaped, three nose jobs later, nostrils.

Leah just stared down, but not me, I looked them both straight in the eyes and let rip.

‘Did you really just say that? I mean seriously, you cannot possibly believe that. Breastfeeding your child has nothing to do with lack of money or a sexual nature. You are the one that is disgusting for even thinking it; let alone saying it. Here was me thinking I was amongst smart educated women and I hear that coming out of your mouth. Tell me this then, if breastfeeding was not the most natural thing in the world to do and as nature intended, why do you think we produce milk?’

Neither replied, they just looked at me scornfully as if I was not worth replying to and before I could say anything further the lecturer called the group to order.

‘Shall we break for coffee, ladies, and we will re-group for birth plans and pain relief.’ She actually sounded a little nervous at the end as though this group was not going to the usual schedule.

I gathered my huge belly up to try to shuffle back into my shoes, hide the gaping black hole in my sock, and smiled at Leah with an incredulous expression on my face. She raised her eyes, smiled a little too in return, and exited to I can only assume seek refreshments.

I was not in the mood for more coffee, instead opting for bottled water, letting out a cough when the bubbles penetrated the back of my throat. Of course they could not just serve still water, no that would be for peasants, I mused to myself, catching a glimpse of Susanna and Jane watching me in the corner of my eye and giggling like two pathetic schoolgirls, wobbling off together.              

I thought from behind they both looked like two dairy cows, the kind they would no doubt rather feed their offspring from, and I pitied them for their self-righteous ignorance.

My phone went off then, taking me out of my reverie when I saw the name appear. It was Nicholi, my baby daddy, as I am sure Susanna of Stewartsville would be hysterical at discovering my secret.

‘Hey, baby, how’s it going?’ said the voice I had been longing to hear all morning, his dulcet tone radiating deep down.

‘Oh you know, girls together and all that, lots of hormones and baby talk,’ I replied nonchalantly. What was I really going to say, I wanted to leave the second I walked through the door.

‘Good, talk later then,’ and he was gone as quickly as the stick turned positive.

I will never forget seeing the word, pregnant flash up before my eyes, an array of emotions flooding through me. I had always wanted children, but not with a man I was not married to. Despite my situation, I was determined to be the best mother I could be and my babies were the world to me even though I constantly moaned about lugging my camel hump in what felt like the Sahara Desert every day.

They say you glow when you are pregnant, more like a sweaty sheen in my opinion. I felt constantly on fire inside and just wanted to sit in a pool of water all day. I loved the water and being pregnant, the water sure had healing properties like no other. I felt free, able to move around without feeling like I was carrying Pluto up my shirt, my back constantly in agony.

I saw the group starting to edge back towards the room and took a deep breath, as much as possible when your lungs feel like they are in a vice, and plodded back resuming my shuffle to try to take my shoes off, hide the ever growing, bordering on country-sized, hole in my sock and sat down.

‘Okay, ladies, shall we start with our birth plans, Susanna, would you like to share?’ the lecturer asked politely.

She was a very petite lady; around thirty-five years old I estimated and turned her wedding ring round and round whenever she spoke. I wondered if it gave her comfort or was just out of habit.

‘Scheduled C-section of course, with as much pain medication as possible,’ she boomed back without hesitation.

The lecturer went around the group one by one and the response was unanimous. Until she reached Leah.

‘Me, ah, well,’ she was stumbling with her response and not at all as articulate as she had been at the beginning of the class.

‘Scheduled C-section,’ she almost whispered then lowered her eyes, averting Susanna’s smug grin.

‘Sophia and your birth plan is?’ The lecturer looked expectantly at me for my response.

‘Well,’ I began. ‘A birth plan is as the name suggests just a plan of ideas, no one knows what labour will be like for them until it starts so I am keeping mine as flexible as possible.’ The lecturer was nodding in approval while I continued. ‘I would, however, like to be in the water to give birth, it helps so much with the pain.’ Before I could finish my thought, a cackling came from the other side of the room. Susanna, of course.

‘I get it now,’ she began, still greatly amused by my answer. ‘You’re one of those hippy types aren’t you?’ Sounding more like an accusation and definitely not a good one in her mind, I suspected.

‘Each to their own,’ was all I could muster. I was completely exhausted; my ass was numb from communing on the mat, what is wrong with bloody chairs anyway? My back felt like a magician had been sawing me in half all afternoon, and I was done with these people who clearly thought they were above me and anyone else with an alternative viewpoint. I am all for debate, but this was just getting silly. I stifled a yawn and shuffled my foot around, the hole in my sock now the size of a continent and impossible to conceal any further.

Susanna looked like she was about to chirp again when there was a knock at the door and a woman walked in. I remembered her from the reception area, very smartly dressed with a wireless headset on that she was constantly mouthing into. I noticed she was still wearing said headpiece, and I mused to myself whether she even had to wear it to the bathroom. Reception, pee. Please hold, flush. Connecting.

I was awoken from my daydream by the sound of my name.

‘I have a package for Sophia Nichols,’ she began. ‘Reception, please hold, connecting.’ She stood in place and the lecturer rose to collect the package, placing it in my arms with a smile and started chatting to the woman stood next to her.

I saw Susanna eyeing the package with curiosity that spread to disdain and maybe a hint of jealously.

‘Do you know how many calories are in that?’ She squinted at the box, turning her nose in the air and announcing that we should all exchange telephone numbers and catch up after our C-sections for coffee. I noted she did not rush over to get my number, but I did not care one bit. I looked down at the package that had been placed in front of me and my eyes filled with delight, relief, and then curiosity. There was a card attached, sliding my finger under the envelope flap to loosen the seal, my mouth watered at the giant box of cheesecake beaming back up at me.
I thought you might need this. L
was all the card said, but I knew immediately whom it was from. Cross, he was back.

I opened the box and without thinking for a moment of where I was, I took a slice and sunk my teeth in. The cheesecake melted in my mouth and turned every second of this horrendous day into blissful joy.

‘There is a god,’ was all I muttered in between chewing and swallowing and gathered up my belongings to leave. Cheesecake resting on my belly that was serving as a table, I padded, holey sock and all, back to my shoes and away from this nightmare day.