Insane City (47 page)

76

The wedding went surprisingly smoothly, considering everything that led up to it.

Like most grooms, Seth was nervous, but he managed to remain outwardly composed. He was glad

to have Marty next to him, and Kevin and Big Steve close by. He believed he was doing the right thing.

Even so, when Seth was asked The Question—
Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded

wife?
—another question popped up in his mind:
What the hell am I doing?

Seth hesitated then, and everyone saw it. For a few seconds, nobody breathed.

Then Seth cleared his throat and said, “I do.”

A modest cheer arose from the spectators. Marty punched Seth in the arm, which was inappropriate

but welcome.

The bride was just as nervous, maybe even more so. She, too, had last-second doubts. But when her

time came to answer The Question, she, too, said she would.

She said it in Creole, after Carl translated The Question for her.

“You may now kiss the bride,” said Bobby Stern, who, as a result of his efforts to supplement his

meager income as a party-boat captain, was a notary public in the state of Florida, as well as a Realtor

and certified Pilates instructor.

“Maybe just a hug,” said Seth. He leaned over and embraced his new bride, Laurette Aubin—now

formally, if temporarily, Laurette Aubin Weinstein. She smiled shyly and hugged him back. Meghan and

Cyndi, the co–maids of honor, hugged each other, sniffing with happiness.

At that moment the
Barco Loco
’s aft starboard cannon fired, in part to celebrate the shipboard

marriage, and in part to send a high-speed cluster of frozen nuggets flying in the general direction of one

of the various motorboats operated by agents of various local, state and federal law enforcement agencies

that had been circling the pirate boat, looking for a chance to board.

“That’s almost it on the ammo,” called Duane, who’d been manning the cannons. “I can’t hold ’em

off much longer.”

“That’s OK,” said Marty. “Let ’em board. We might as well start the process.”

“You really think this is going to work?” said Seth.

“The truth? I have no idea.”

“That’s encouraging.”

“Hey, I’m a lawyer, not a fortune-teller.”

“You’re not a lawyer.”

“Don’t tell them that,” said Marty, as the first police boat arrived.

The plan had been Marty’s, hatched while Seth was talking to Tina. Marty, waiting in the lobby, had

done some Googling on his phone, then made a call. When Seth emerged from the elevator, Marty hurried

over, excited.

“I think I figured out a way to keep her here legally,” he said.

“Tell me fast,” said Seth, heading for the rear door.

They crossed the back lawn, Seth striding, Marty trotting next to him, talking fast, Kevin and Big

Steve right behind.

Seth interrupted Marty in his second sentence. “That won’t work,” he said. “You need a marriage

license, and Florida has a three-day waiting period.”

“Unless,”
said Marty, “you get a hardship waiver from a judge.”

“How the hell are we going to do that?”

“We get the governor to help us.”

Seth stopped in the middle of the lawn, turned to Marty. “Are you high?”

“Yes,” said Marty, “but so is the governor.”

It took two more minutes for Marty to convince Seth he was serious, and another two to explain the

plan, which in its original form had Big Steve in the role of groom.

“Why me?” said Big Steve.

“Because you’re not married,” said Marty.

“You’re not married, either.”

“But I’m acting as counsel here,” said Marty. “It would be a conflict of interest.”

“I’ll be the groom,” said Seth.

“You can’t be the groom,” said Marty. “You’re getting married to Tina.”

“No I’m not.”

The Groom Posse gaped.

“Holy shit,” said Big Steve.

“Did Tina call it off?” said Kevin.

“No,” said Seth. “Tina still wants to get married.”

“
You’re
calling it off?” said Marty.

“I guess I am.”

“But
why
?” said Marty. “Seth, this is
Tina Clark
. She wants to
marry
you.”

Seth shook his head. “She thinks she does. But I don’t think I’m the guy she thinks I am. Anymore,

anyway.”

“Whatever
that
means,” said Kevin.

“You sure about this?” said Marty.

“Absolutely,” said Seth.

“OK, then,” said Marty. “You’re our groom.”

“Whew,” said Big Steve.

They caught up with Carl Juste at the beach. The five of them shoved the pontoon boat into the water,

piled in and motored out to the
Barco Loco
, reaching it just before the first Miami-Dade Marine Patrol

boat arrived on the scene. While Duane, manning the cannons, fended off the police, Marty explained the

plan to Carl, who explained it to Laurette, who readily agreed. Bobby was happy to perform the

ceremony, although he wondered if there wasn’t supposed to be some kind of paperwork. Marty assured

him it was in the works.

Bobby, aware of the circling lawmen, kept the ceremony brief. “Dearly beloved,” he began because

he had heard these words in TV weddings. “We are gathered here together . . .” He paused then, because

that was all he could remember from TV. He racked his brain, trying to think of other wedding-related

quotations. All he could come up with was part of a verse from the Dixie Cups song “Chapel of Love.”

“‘Today’s the day / We’ll say I do,’” he said. “‘And we’ll never be lonely anymore.’”

Bobby then asked the groom and the bride The Question. They answered in the affirmative and

hugged.

Then Duane fired off the last of the chicken nuggets.

Then everybody, including Trevor, was arrested.

77

Tracee, or possibly Traci, burst into the bridal suite breathless. She had just returned

from the lobby, where she had been dispatched by Blaze Gear in response to disturbing reports being

broadcast on Action 5 News.

Traci (or Tracee) brought bad news: It was all true. The police had just paraded Seth and Meghan

through the hotel in handcuffs, along with various other unsavory characters and animals.

“I do
not
fucking believe this,” said Mike Clark, who fortunately, in light of the gravity of the

situation, had a short while earlier been given permission by Wendell to change out of the flamingo

costume. Mike kicked a coffee table hard, knocking over an elaborate complimentary display of pastries

that had been sent to the bridal suite by the hotel management, although nobody had touched them because

they contained carbs.

Marcia Clark shot Mike a disgusted look. She rose and went to Tina, holding out her arms, prepared

to hug and comfort her daughter regardless of the damage this might do to their hair and makeup.

Tina held up a hand, stopping her mother. She kept the hand raised, standing statue-still, not even

appearing to breathe. Thirty seconds passed in agonizing silence, everyone watching Tina, waiting,

uncertain.

Finally Blaze Gear, the professional, took charge. She walked over to Tina and, in her most soothing

yet authoritative voice, said, “Listen, Tina, I know this is not what we planned. But these things happen.

We can still make this work. They’ll post bail. We may lose an hour or two, but with some adjustments to

the timeline we can still have your dream wedding come true.”

Tina, coming out of her trance, lowered her hand, turned her head slowly and looked at Blaze,

almost as if seeing her for the first time.

Blaze smiled a reassuring smile.

Tina, in a fluid motion, snatched the iPad from Blaze’s hands, turned and flung it cleanly through the

open balcony window.

“Or, not,” said Blaze.

78

Sid sat in the lobby, watching the passing scene. He was waiting for Rose, who had parked him in a

chair while she went to the front desk to complain that their room key was not working. By questioning

Rose patiently, the clerk was able to determine that she had been attempting to open the door with her

ATM card.

Her problem solved, Rose returned to collect Sid.

“I just saw Seth,” he said.

“Seth? Where?”

“Here. They just took him out of the hotel.”

“Who took him?”

“The police,” said Sid.

“The
police
took Seth out?”

“Just now. With the orangutan from the TV. And a man with a big snake.”

Rose looked around the lobby, then back down at Sid.

“That’s it,” she said, “no more brownies.”

She helped him to his feet and they started toward the elevators. En route they crossed paths with a

short, stocky man who had just arrived at the hotel in a Lincoln Town Car. The man wore a sharp fedora

and was clad in black, dressed warmly for South Florida. He went up to the front desk.

“May I help you?” said a clerk, the same one who had just solved Rose’s room-key problem.

“Yes,” said the man. “Could you please ring the room of Wendell Corliss.” He spoke with an Irish

accent.

“Certainly,” said the clerk, picking up the phone. “May I ask your name, please?”

“Tell him it’s Van Morrison.”

EPILOGUE

Everybody got into trouble, but nobody went to jail.

Seth and Cyndi faced serious charges for their alleged assault-and-robbery spree. But as far as

investigators could determine, the assaults and the robbery were actually committed by Trevor. So Seth

and Cyndi were able to plea-bargain down to relatively minor charges, which, in time and with good

behavior, would be expunged from their records.

Meghan also faced serious charges in connection with the assault on Officer Delgado and the theft of