Insight (15 page)

“I’m sorry.” I put my hand on his shoulder, and enjoy the picture of us kissing way more than I should for someone who could have
at least tried to prevent
him this hurt.

I’m silent.
Silent w
hen I should open my mouth and tell him. Guilt begins to truly suffocate me.

The small waves lap against the side of the boat, but the rest of the world is as quiet as we are.
Time passes, and Landon slowly relaxes.

“You know what I want to do more than anything?” he asks. The sadness has disappeared. Or been pushed away for now.

“What?” Any
thing to change the subject
. I just want to be this close for a little bit longer.

“What I want to do is to spend a year or two sailing around the Caribbean, the Bahamas, British West Indies, Virgin Islands...” A smile breaks on the edges of his mouth and he turns toward me. “There’s years worth of exploring to do there. And I’d almost always rather be sailing than dealing with the noise of the engine.”

It would be incredible. To be on the turquoise water and hot weather. “Sounds awesome, but expensive.” I can’t even imagine where you’d get money for a boat from or how you’d keep food. There has to be costs involved in everything. No one can live for free.

He shrugs. It’s apparently not a problem.

“What’s that?” I want to know. His shrug meant something.

He hangs his head in something that looks like resignation, but that pressed together smile makes me know he’s okay with sharing.

“What?”

“I get a bit of money when I turn eighteen, like in a few weeks.”

“Of
course
you do.” I look up at the huge house on the hill overlooking the ocean. Landon would be lucky enough for something like that. He probably doesn’t have to worry about paying for college at all. Then I realize I just screwed up with that comment.  It wasn’t a fair one to make.

“Don’t do that.” His eyes look into me. “Treat me like everyone else does. I didn’t ask for it. It’s from my granddad. I’d do the sailing thing without it.”

“I’m sorry.” I realize that it’s not just me who thinks of Landon as living a charmed life. Everyone assumes that things go well for him because of who he is, not what he does. “You’re a good guy. You deserve it.”

He laughs as he rubs his hands down his thighs. “I’m trying.”

I wonder what he means by that.

“Come on.” He takes my hand in his, our kiss floods my thoughts. “Ready to go?”

“I guess.”

“Thanks for coming.” He leads me carefully off the boat.

“It was…an experience.”

“A good one?” His Landon smile is back. The one that’s part goofy kid, and part excitement, and maybe, yeah, part hot guy.

“Definitely.” And if it weren’t for this load of fear I carry about Lacey, and the simple fear that I won’t be good enough, or that he doesn’t want me in the same way, it would have been pretty perfect.

His hand squeezes mine as we start up the hill, and when our eyes meet,
his
cheeks turn pink this time. I’m thrilled and flattered, and amazed that we’re here. I also can’t help but wonder how long it’ll last.

FIFTEEN
             

After two days of lounging around and spending time with Landon, the jolt of getting ready for school feels especially horrible. Also, I haven’t heard from Dad, which means I’m worried about Carol. Mom’s either with Ethan, or on the phone with Ethan. It’s just so…
weird
.

I roll out of bed and slide into jeans and a tank top as I stumble into the bathroom. Nothing will be able to be done with my hair. It’s a mess of curls and frizz. I grab the front and twist it into a thick braid, letting the rest hang long. I spray a little water over it, letting my hair soak up the moisture, the curls even out into their tiny kinks. It seems like a good day to leave it down. Maybe not so bad. I rub my cheeks a few times trying to wake myself up and step out of the bathroom.

“Good morning,” Landon says from my living room.

“Uh…morning.” I stand at the end of the hallway, confused.
Already reeling from him being a few steps away from me. Are all girls this pathetic around guys they like?

“See you, Micah.” Mom winks and waves as she walks out.

Wait. She’s my ride. I start for the door.

“Would you ride with me?”
Landon
asks.

I hear Mom pull out of our driveway.

“It looks like I don’t have a choice.” Nervous energy is building up in my chest, and I take a deep breath in a pathetic attempt to relax.

“
I’m sorry this’ll be so torturous for you,” he teases.

“It’s not. I’m just…surprised.” I realize that my reaction was probably taken the wrong way.

His eyes wander down my body. “You might want to finish getting dressed.”

I look down. It’s not that I’m
not
dressed, it’s that I’m usually wearing a lot more. A smile breaks out on my face as I walk into my room, knowing he was just checking me out. I grab a sweater and pull it over my head.

“Ready?” He grins as I step back into the living room.

“Guess so.” I follow him out the door and barely remember my pack.

“You should leave your hair down more often. It’s really amazing.”

I’m silent.  I have no idea how to respond to a compliment like that.

“Oh. This is for you.” He holds out a breakfast bar. From my mom no doubt.

“Thanks.” I don’t love the idea of eating this crumbly thing in front of Landon, but I’m suddenly starving.

“I have a few more people to pick up on the way.” He opens
the car door
and waits for me to climb inside.

What
?

“Is there room in your car for that?” I don’t want to ride with anyone else. It definitely won’t help my need to be around as few people as possible.

“As long as you’re the one next to me in the passenger’s seat, there’s room.” His eyes don’t waver from mine. He’s trying to tell me something with that comment.

I look down. It feels forward. He’s trying to tell me how he feels in subtle ways. He doesn’t realize that I already know. Even if it’s not what he feels now, it’s what he’ll feel soon. I sit down in the passenger’s seat and sigh as I realize the day is dark and grey. Our kiss won’t happen today. It happens in the sun. Or maybe something’s changed
,
and it won’t happen at all. I reach over and touch Landon’s arm as he sits in the driver’s seat.

The picture pulls a smile from my lips.
His arms holding me. Our lips together. He likes me. The sun’s shining on my face. The boathouse...

“What’s with you?” He leans forward in his seat to make sure I know he’s looking at me.

I sputter out the weather. “It’s grey today.” Our kiss still happens in the sun. The important thing being that it still happens.
Because I finally want it more than I’m afraid.

He laughs. “It’s grey most days.”

“Who are we picking up?” I unwrap my breakfast bar and take a bite, changing the
subject and distracting myself
.

“Steven.” He pulls out of his driveway and starts up the road.

I groan. I don’t mean to, but I feel guilty. He’s so nice, and we get along, and I told him I didn’t like Landon. That I wasn’t one of the throngs who like Landon, and now I am. Also, The only visions I’ve seen from Steven have been traumatic.

“I thought you
liked
him,” he teases.

“No, but he sort of asked me out and…” And the whole thing is awkward. It’s one thing to sit and talk with him at a restaurant with my mom and Ethan. It’s different when I’m in the passenger’s seat of Landon’s car, and Landon’s looking at me as often as he can.

“Don’t worry. I have a plan.”

“Oh. Great.” A plan? A plan for what?

We pull into the driveway of another impressive house. This one isn’t as big as Landon’s place but more traditionally styled for the area, all wood shingles and white trim.

“Where are we?”

“Jessica’s house.”

My chest sinks. Is he trying to torture me? Why are we picking up Jessica? Am I wrong about everything I think he feels for me?

“Steven has liked her for years. I’m just helping them along.” He winks.

“Oh.” I’m way more relieved than I should be.

Landon honks his horn.

“You could go get her.” Honking is so rude.

“So could you.” He widens his eyes, practically daring me.

Yeah, no way. I don’t know Jessica, but I know her well enough to know that she and Brigitte are friends, which I’d guess makes her automatically hate me.

“That’s what I thought.” He chuckles. This is the Landon I see at school. Everything’s funny, like everyone runs around for his amusement and nothing bad could touch him. This is the pre-Lacey Landon. Maybe I’ll never have to tell him. The relief is so immense that I close my eyes and relax without the whole weight of her and what I could or should have done.

I envy this part of Landon. This carefree part. I don’t know how to be that way.

“Hey!” Jessica waves from her porch. I see her smile freeze as she catches sight of me in the passenger’s seat.

“Did you tell her you were playing bus driver?” The sinking in my chest is going lower. I should just walk.

“I did, just not to who.” He shrugs and stands up and out of the car. I can only see him from his chest down. Suddenly his face reappears. “You are not to take any crap from either of them, and you are not to get out of that seat.” He tries to look serious, but it doesn’t work with Landon, not unless he actually is serious. The corners of his mouth twitch as he talks.

I want to disappear, despite the way Landon’s looking at me. Why is this happening today?

“I have to pick up my cousin Steven as well,” he tells her. “I’m sure you can share a backseat with a boy.” If I could see Landon’s face right now I’d guess he was winking, but I might be off.

Jessica wiggles her way into the backseat. She manages to glare at me as she gets situated.

“Morning.” I smile brightly. I wonder if she catches my sarcasm. I should probably try to be genuinely nice, but I’m not completely sure how. I’ve spent so much time building walls to protect myself that I don’t know how to be friendly, especially with someone who does
not
want to be friendly with me.

It takes us three long, silent minutes to get to the apartment where Steven is staying. I feel sick to my stomach when he walks out. What will I tell him? Do I need to say something? Do I not? Why is picking up a few kids and getting a ride to school making me feel like such a mess?

“Ree-lax…” Landon reaches his hand over and shakes my leg.

Warm sun. Hands on me. Lips on me.

“Not helpful.” I glare.

“Oh. Right.” His face falls a bit as he jerks his hand off my leg.

I can only imagine how Jessica feels in the backseat.

“Steven!” He stands up out of the car to let him in. “You don’t mind sharing a backseat, right?”

“Whatever, Landon.” Steven steps around him and stops when his head sticks in. His eyes are on Jessica and nowhere else.

I don’t have to touch Steven to know it doesn’t matter that I’m in the car. Jessica’s in the car.

“Uh, good morning.” He steps into the tiny backseat and sits. At least I don’t have to touch him again. The thought of looking for details in something that may or may not happen to me doesn’t sound all that appealing.

“Morning.” Jessica lets out a “humpf,” behind me.

Landon sits and closes his door. Same grin. Same relaxed pre-Lacey guy.

“What are you thinking?” I mouth to him as he sits himself down in the driver’s seat.

He holds his hand out, palm up, as an invitation to touch him.

I shake my head. I’ll ask him later. We both know it doesn’t work that way anyway.

“I have baseball practice after school.” Landon checks the rearview mirror. “Steven, could you give these two girls a ride home?”

“I don’t know how to drive a stick,” Steven says.

“
What
?” Landon laughs.

I want to kick him for Steven’s sake.

“Me, neither,” Jessica says from the backseat.

“I do.” I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth. “I mean, my dad taught me a long time ago
,
and his car is a stick
,
so when I visit…”

“Oh, perfect. You can drive my car home then.” Landon puts the full force of his perfect smile on me.

“Uh…” I shake my head. “No way. I’m not driving your car. I mean, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I’ll just get a ride from my mom.”

“I trust you with it, you know.” He looks at me for a moment longer than he should, especially while driving, especially with company.