Irreplaceable (11 page)

Chapter Ten

Naked

Bright, glaring light assaulted
my eyelids, causing my face to scrunch, squeezing them tightly. With a
zombie-like groan, I pulled away from my liquor-fueled slumber. In one swift motion,
I whipped my pounding head around, burying it under my pillow. The movement was
too quick and my head too heavy; nausea hit instantly. I choked down the rising
bile and grabbed my head.

“Oh, God,” I croaked.

“Good morning, sweetheart.”

My eyes flew open, my body painfully rigid.

What is he doing here?

“On the side table. Drink
all
of it.”

I lifted my head, hair wild around my face, just enough
to see the tall glass of water with two oval pills sitting beside it. As much
as I wanted to tell him to get the hell out, my throat was too parched.

First things first: with a trembling hand, I lifted the
water slowly and savored the coolness breaking through, hydrating me back to
the living. I popped the pills a second later, then lay back with a sigh, twisting
around to stare at the ceiling. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right
then, and the memory of the previous night was still nothing but a blur.

A sharp burn tore through my stomach, followed by a low
growl.
Definitely should’ve eaten more last night.
I rubbed my hand over
my abs under the blanket and froze.

What the hell!?

With my heart rate picking up as my thought process
jolted back to life, blood rushed to my cheeks, pushing me faster through the
fog. I sat up on my elbows, clutching the blanket to my chest, and narrowed my
eyes at the infuriatingly beautiful man staring back at me, unaffected.

“Where the hell are my clothes!?”

Logan sat in the armchair across from my bed, his leg
slung over his knee, giving nothing away in his expression.

“You were soaked to the bone.”

“So you stripped me down?”

“To be honest, you did most of the work for me.”

What? What happened last night?

Unable to support myself any longer, I fell back onto the
pillows and closed my eyes, begging the memories to return. Logan remained
silent, as if waiting for it all to come back to me. It wasn’t long before I
was watching a slow-moving picture in my foggy mind, reliving the events of the
past night. It was all there: the memory of me screaming at him, telling him to
screw me, and then attacking him until I could stand no longer. I had no clear
recollection what all I’d said to him, only remembering the image of him
standing there, stoic, taking each blow I delivered to his hard chest.

I groaned for at least the third time that morning,
holding my head and rolling to my side, feeling worse about myself.

“Can you leave now, please?” My voice was hollow, and
nothing more than a defeated whisper. I was too tired to fight with him.

“Not yet. We need to talk first.”

“I have nothing to say.” I couldn’t look at him now. I
hated even talking to him—not because I was angry about New Year’s or
embarrassed by my actions; no, it was worse. I couldn’t bear to be around him
because seeing him there for that one small moment in my bedroom, so gorgeous
in a plain white tee and black pajama pants, caused my entire existence to
still call out to him.

“I have plenty to say, and I need for you to listen.
Understand?” His voice grew darker, and my anger brewed.

With a huff, I gripped the covers that were half covering
my face, resisting the urge to peer over at him. “I’m not a child!”

“Considering your actions last night, I may beg to
differ.”

That was it. I wanted him out. I didn’t care that his
mere presence left me strangely aroused, or that despite everything, I still
longed to be in his arms. He needed to get out.

I tore the blanket off my body—which was covered only in
pink lace panties—and climbed out of bed. Swallowing down the nausea the fast
movement brought up and with one hand covering my breasts, I pointed to my
bedroom door with the other.

“Get the hell out of my house, Logan!”

He stood, eyes on mine and not once straying down my
body. He must’ve had a good-enough look while undressing me already.

“No. Now lie back down before you hurt yourself.”

I only saw red. “What is your problem? Why are you still
here? Take a hint already!” I balled my free hand into a fist, calming myself.
“You know what? Ah! Never mind. I already know why you’re here.” I tilted my
head to the side. “It’s called guilt. Well, don’t sweat it—I survived.”

He stalked toward me, standing a few feet directly in
front of me with a tight jaw and hard eyes.

“I fucked up with you. It’s the biggest regret I’ve ever
had, and I endure it every second of every damn day. But I will not stand by
and watch you act out like you did last night, getting drunk and nearly passing
out in the shitty ten-degree weather. No, that’s not happening, because whether
you want to believe it or not, I care about you. I have ever since that damned
carnival, and I’m not going to let you hurt yourself because you can’t deal
with how you feel about me.”

“Feel about you?” I hissed. “You are such an egotistical
ass! I thought you were done—walking away for good!”

“Turns out no matter how hard I try, I can’t get you out
of my head. That leaves only one choice: you will get over yourself and let me
in!”

“Let you in?” I barked, laughing manically. “I did, and
you treated me like dirt the moment it got rough!”

“Fuck!” he roared. “You will forgive me, God damn it! You
can’t stay mad at me forever. I won’t allow it.”

“And I won’t let you make a fool of me twice!”

“I won’t! Don’t you get it!? I can’t get you out of my
head, Cassandra. Just give me a chance. Tell me you’re mine.”

I inhaled through my nostrils, wanting him to see, to
understand.

“Listen to yourself. Two weeks! It’s been two weeks. So
you tell me—is that all you think it takes to earn my forgiveness, my trust,
and my love? I was with Mark for
five
years, loyal to a fault, and yet
I’m unable to forgive him, so why should I forgive you?”

His eyes darkened as he stepped closer, his hand reaching
out, palm cradling my cheek. “Because unlike Mark, I know how precious you
are.”

“Yet you walked away this morning,” I interrupted.

His shoulders fell, hand dropping away. “Today I…”

His expression was pained, his words hesitant. “I came
back. That’s what matters.” Everything in him shifted back to the confident man
I knew as he continued.

“No! You still walked away because I’m not ready. And
I’ll never be ready. I know I’ve been hard on you, doing everything I can to
force you to see that I’m nothing special, not worth your time. But it’s
because I can’t go back to where we were that night. It should never have
happened. We should have stayed friends and never tried—”

“No! I’ll regret that night for the rest of my life, but
not us taking a chance. That was the best thing we did. I want to know
everything about you, hear your voice every morning and every night. I will
never risk losing you again. I can’t sleep thinking of you alone in this house,
so close yet so far away. I know you’re scared, and I know it’s only been a
couple weeks. I don’t expect you to crawl into bed with me and let me claim you
as mine. I’m only asking that you stop pushing me away.”

My eyes closed. “Logan, I don’t know who I am right now,”
I managed, my breath ragged. “My head’s all screwed up, and I don’t want to
hurt you, but seeing you tears me up. I don’t know what I feel for you anymore,
or if I even feel anything at all.”

“Don’t lie to me. It’s easy to see the effect I have on
you.”

I attempted to push back, furious at myself that he was
right, that I was so weak. But he grabbed my forearms and ran his hands back up
my cheeks, cradling my face in his hands again.

“As well as the incredible effect you have on me. I can’t
even describe it, the way you make me feel…so alive…so hungry for life, for
you, for love. It’s all so new to me, but I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want
to lose you. It fucking kills me every night, thinking about what I said to
you.”

Logan dropped his hands away and stepped back, standing
in silence for a long moment, his brows drawn low in thought. I didn’t speak
either as I watched him, my rage dying down as my heart broke all over again.
We were shattered—both of us.

With soft eyes and a strained hoarse voice, he continued.
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to you.” His voice was lost in his
throat. He swallowed, his face torn, and placed his hands on my forearms, which
I took comfort in against all rational thought. “Cassandra, I want a chance to
make this right. Not because of guilt, but because I lo—”

“Don’t.” I spoke quickly, surprising myself, but I
couldn’t hear it. “Don’t you dare say those words to me.” I sat back on my bed
with a slow grace.

Logan dipped down in front of my knees and pulled the
blanket up from behind me. Tiny goose bumps flared over my body. His thumb
caressed my bare back for the briefest moment when he pulled it over my
shoulders, and I leaned into it. It felt so good, but the pain associated with
his touch seared my heart. Tears sprung from my eyes, and I dropped my head
into my hands.

“Shhh, please…don’t cry, sweetheart.”

I sobbed harder. His arm wrapped around me, the bed
shifting with his weight beside me. I didn’t fight him when he pulled me to his
chest. I couldn’t fight it, and in that moment, I didn’t want to.

The world around me faded away, leaving me with only my
tears and his closeness.

I didn’t know how much time passed—seconds, minutes,
perhaps hours—before my tears slowed and my breathing finally came easier. His
hand ran through my hair, providing comfort only he could offer. His sweet
voice soothed me, assuring me that I’d be all right—that
we’d
be all
right.

I lay there numb in his arms, snuggling in his lap, my
head tucked into the nape of his neck. His skin was so warm and inviting, I
couldn’t resist inhaling his intoxicating masculinity. Before I could tell
myself to stop and that it was dangerous to go there, my lips were on him.
Defenseless to his body speaking to mine, they brushed lightly across his neck
and back again, where I placed a small lingering kiss under his chin.

He didn’t move or say a word, but from the way his hand
stilled mid-caress on my back, I knew he felt it—felt the hope I held onto that
one day I could forgive him, that there might still be a possibility for us to
share a love so powerful it could erase my pain, insecurities, and distrust; a
love that could wipe away the past. But for now, it wasn’t there. A shred of
hope was all I had to give.

With a small sniffle, I wiped my nose, not wanting the
moment to end and reality to crash back down over us. I felt his body stiffen
when I began to sit up, holding me in place.

Did he feel it, too? Did it torture him to let me go
as much as it did me?

If I allowed myself a moment of honesty, I’d admit I
never wanted to be apart from him, my Logan, the man I thought I knew. But the
truth was there was more to Logan than I’d realized. He was more than just the
guy I fell for, and I couldn’t trust him anymore.

I braced myself against his chest, sneaking another
greedy touch as I sat up. Before I let go fully, his hands went to the sides of
my face, cupping my cheeks, the pads of his thumbs wiping away final stray
tears.

“I’m sorry. Out of everyone, I never wanted to hurt you.
I’m…I’m thoughtless and careless. I’d never allowed anyone in after Natasha
left, yet I couldn’t keep you away. I’m drawn to you, Cassandra—I have been
ever since that morning I jogged behind you, admiring your body, wanting to
reach out and snatch you up to have my way with you. I’ll never forget the
image of you in those little shorts you were wearing.” He smiled at the memory
he must’ve been recollecting while my cheeks flushed.

“I have never been more aroused at the break of dawn
running down a back country road, but then you went and leapt over that damn
puddle, so carefree and full of life. Something inside me cracked opened, and I
knew you could be so much more than another frivolous night tryst. It terrified
me how quickly I wanted to know more about you.”

My eyes fell to my lap as he released my face, moving his
thumb and forefinger to take my chin gently, lifting my head up to meet his
eyes. They were glossy with unshed tears.

“I tried to fight it, Cassandra. I thought if I could
charm you, convince you to give me one night, that it would make you no
different than any other woman. But you are so headstrong. I loved that about
you.”

There was that word again—a word I couldn’t hear from his
perfect lips. He loved that about me.

Wait,
loved
? As in past tense? Did it even matter
anymore?

It must have, because I couldn’t stop myself from leaning
in and touching my lips to his very gently. His hold fell from my chin, and
with calculated ease, as though he were afraid he’d scare me away, his hand
slid to my cheek.

His lips never moved, his fingertips stroking my flushed
cheek as my mouth pressed to his. There was nothing else; I just stayed there,
inhaling the moment, wishing I could forget all the reasons why I couldn’t let
him back in.

With a soft peck, I rested my forehead against his and
swallowed the lump swelling in my throat.

“I can’t,” I murmured, breathless. “I’m so…scared.
Please…”

He cupped my face and pulled me back to see it clearly.
“I know, and I’m well aware that I don’t deserve you. But I need you to know I
never meant what I said that night. I wanted to give you everything, and I
still do. You’re the only woman I’ve ever felt this way about.”