Irreplaceable (9 page)

The key turned in the lock and I opened the door, never once
looking back until I stepped inside, doorknob in hand.

“Luke did a good job getting me home, so you can go,” I
said, and it wasn’t a lie.

“I just wanted to make sure—”

“That I didn’t screw him?”

Logan’s head tilted slightly, his jaw set. “He wouldn’t be
that stupid,” he said through gritted teeth.

With a sigh, I rolled my eyes. “Good night, Logan.”

Logan lifted my chin, staring into my tired eyes. “This
is killing me, Cassandra. I want you so badly, and to watch you push me further
and further away…” He closed his eyes and shook his head once. “It’s too much.
I’m losing it.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me you can forgive me…that you still want this.”
Logan dipped his head down, finger still under my chin, lifting my face as he
crushed his lips down over mine.

The kiss was needy; Logan’s hands slid over my cheeks and
into my hair. His tongue ran over my lips and darted its way inside. I couldn’t
control myself; my body longed to be his, my thoughts cut off by the taste of
his warm, minty breath.

My hands sneaked up and wrapped around his neck, drawing
him closer. Every nerve ending in my body sputtered and roared when he pulled
back just enough to see my face and gauge my conflicted expression.

“Stop,” I breathed.

“No!”

“I can’t, all right? I just…can’t. I won’t be another
conquest. Another girl for you to pursue like the one you met on the airplane.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? What girl? I
haven’t even looked at another woman!”

“Julia told me,” I confessed, holding his steely gaze in
mine. “About the woman you met a couple years ago and flew back and forth to
see, doing to her what you’re trying to do to me.”

“My sister had no right to tell you anything. If you want
to know about my past, then ask!” he all but roared, anger evident in his tight
expression. “And as for this woman she told you about, my sister has spun that
into something very different than it was. Have I ever met a woman on a plane
before? Yes, I have—more than one. Not that I feel it’s relevant, but if you
feel the need to hear about my past, then I’ll tell you. None of those women
ever got more than a one-time trip to the airport hotel.”

He was watching me as I stood there, hanging on every
word.

“However, due to geographical issues and a bored mind, I
found myself flying out to see one woman in particular who refused my advances.
My attention was caught, which was what she’d set out to do. She started a
game, trying to seduce me, and pulled back every time before I was satisfied.

“Did I want to date her, start a relationship? No! I
wanted to fuck her, and made that perfectly clear. She was the one who thought
she could persuade me otherwise—play me using sex so she could marry a man who
would help boost her placement in society. There were no feelings involved—we
played a
game—
and when I had my fill, I left. She knew exactly what it
was. I never led her on, which was why she went snooping into my life and tried
to meet my son.”

I didn’t know what to say. Of course he had a past—I knew
that—but the fact that he’d been infatuated with someone before, even if he’d
treated her differently, only fed my insecurities further.

“Don’t keep pushing me away. You’re not like her; you’re
not like any of them. I feel this. I do. You’re a part of me that I can’t
escape. I don’t ever want to. I’ll tell you whatever you need to hear, do
whatever I have to. But you have to stop pushing me away,” he pleaded, reaching
out to grab my hands, but I stepped back farther into the house.

“You should go. I’m sorry, but you need to let me go.
Don’t keep doing this to me, to you. It’s time to move on,” I said, beginning
to close the door.

He stood there, eyes dark and hard and jaw clenched until
the door latched shut.

The moment I turned the lock, my back slumped against the
closed door. The pain in my chest was gut-wrenching and tears pooled in my
eyes, but the thought of giving in was more terrifying.

A loud spin of tires pulled me from my thoughts and I
peeked out the front curtains to catch Logan peeling out of my driveway. But
instead of pulling into his, he flew down the road, heading toward town.

Chapter Eight

Poker Face

The next morning, I sat up,
having spent too much of the night staring at the bronze ceiling light, my mind
devoid of everything but him—the taste of his lips, feel of his hands. I wasted
hours trying to decipher the oddity of my emotions and undeniable sensations in
my body when he was near. The combination of his thick voice and deep,
thoughtful eyes did something to me I couldn’t comprehend. Worse was the
knowledge that he left angry, heading someplace unknown to do God knew what.

With a scrunched face, I grimaced at the throb in my
chest as I threw my legs off the side of the bed; it wasn’t from my bruised
ribs, but my angry heart. I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to feel any
of these complex and infuriating emotions tormenting me.

The rising sun shining through my bedroom curtains
brought a frown to my lips. It was the time of morning I’d usually be out for a
jog. Even in the coldest winters, I never skipped my morning exercise. But that
wasn’t an option now, and no amount of charming endearments, fancy flowers, or
free meals would change that. Yet there was no denying Logan cared in a way
that taunted me. But was it enough?

After watching him walk away, I was even more torn. I
wished he could give me more time—allow me to come to him when I was ready.

With a tightening grip on the robe I’d flung on, I
shuffled to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of orange juice. The plastic
bottle of pain pills sat on the table, but the dull ache was manageable enough,
so I decided to go without. A little pain was better than spending another day
heavy headed from the side effect of fatigue they caused.

The sun was making its way up and the cool morning air
leaked in from the old windows, further energizing my renewed spirit. It was a
new day and the beginning of a new week, and I was ready to start taking
advantage of a fresh start.

Enjoying the freedom of my own house so early in the
morning, I heard a honk sound from outside. It was none of my business, but I
couldn’t help myself as I approached the front window and pulled back the
curtain with one hand, holding my juice in the other. I beamed at the snow
covering the ground, nearly a foot deep. My driveway sat empty. No car to warm
up or scrape ice away from...no, my car sat in a junkyard somewhere,
demolished.

The thought brought a sigh through my downturned lips,
which grew deeper when I noticed movement in Logan’s driveway. My attention was
diverted back to why I was staring outside to begin with. I assumed he was
heading to work, and part of me hoped he wouldn’t stop over as he said he
would. It was going to take more than a few days apart to flush him from my
system.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was what I saw when I
leaned in a little closer to the glass: he wasn’t alone. Craning my neck every
which way to get a better angle, I pressed my nose against the cold window, my
breath fogging it up. I squinted to see beyond the snow-covered shrubs
separating us and caught sight of a woman standing in front of him.

My stomach dropped, the death grip on my juice glass
nearly bursting it into tiny shards as an unexpected surge of fury coursed
through my veins. Logan stood beside a sleek black SUV, laughing with the
unfamiliar woman. Her short, dark hair was cut into a sloping bob, but that was
about all I could make of her appearance other than the skintight jeans she
wore with a form-fitting, snow-white coat.

My mouth lacked enough moisture due to my gaping, and
thus swallowing proved futile. I stood there, unblinking, zoned out until the
woman leaned in, embracing him in an all-too-comfortable and lingering hug
followed by a kiss on his cheek.

I dropped the curtain and stepped back, struggling to
control the jealousy festering in my heart and seeping into my wounds. I’d made
it clear the previous night that he stood no chance, and he’d finally listened.
That was that. Logan was the same guy he’d always been—quick to jump into bed
with the first woman who looked his way. I knew it was bound to happen, but it
still stung.

I wasn’t worth fighting for, after all, and I was right
to hold onto the fact that he wasn’t going to change for some small-town
kindergarten teacher.

The walk back to the kitchen was nothing more than a
fog-induced trance. I dumped the remainder of my orange juice down the drain.
Then something, most likely my self-preservation switch, clicked.

I was stronger than I ever thought possible—Logan had
said so himself, though I didn’t need to hear it from him to know it was true.

A soft knock rattled my front door as well as my
thoughts, pulling me away from the melancholy breaking my spirit as quickly as
it had recovered.

Through the peephole, I was met with the brilliant smile
and scruff jaw of the infuriating neighbor I couldn’t dismiss. I was sure he’d
had a hell of good night with Miss Too Tall for Her Own Good, so what did he
want with me?

I cringed. The fact that he was standing on my doorstep
before eight in the morning after a tryst just further alluded to his
disreputable nature.

Resolute to keep things civil, I cracked open the door
just enough to see him. Cocking my head to the side, I outstretched a hand, holding
it against the frame to block any chance he had at entering. If he so much as
touched me after that bimbo had her claws on him, I was certain I’d either
scream or knock him in the mouth; possibly both, with the way I was
feeling—thoroughly disgusted.

“Good morning,” he said with such tenderness that my
backbone began to waver. “I hope you slept well. My night was…exhausting.”

That definitely didn’t help his case, and my heart took
offense. It stiffened my body, reinforced my grip, and challenged my will to
keep my reply civil. He must’ve seen the irritation in my set frown, because
his brows lowered in thought before he spoke further. Was he going to pretend
last night never happened?

“I shouldn’t have left angry. I’m sorry. It’s only been a
week since you’ve been home.” He ticked his head to the side, watching me stand
there, giving nothing away before he sighed. “I know I have to give you more
time…believe me, I‘m trying, but it’s just so damn hard. I’m not sure what to
do anymore. This is all new to me, to…to feel this need for you.” His voice
strained with the weight of what he was trying to say. “I feel helpless…not
being able to fix this. Make it right.”

The walls surrounding my heart began to shudder and
shake, and it took everything I had to keep it hidden.

“Mm-hmm,” I replied, my lips clamped together tightly.

His pained eyes searched mine. “You have to give me
something to hold onto, sweetheart…a reason to keep fighting when you
repeatedly push me away.”

I’m here!
I wanted to shout out to the world.
Wait
for me, please
, but I stood silent, terrified. How had I become so weak?
Seeing him with that woman had pushed me over the edge. He’d want more than I
could ever give him, so it was for the best if he walked away. Better to get
out now before it was too late.

He nodded after a long, silent pause.

I hated him for bringing me so low, for creating a storm
of brewing rage deep in my soul. I hated myself for wanting to take him in my
arms and kiss him until I forgot. I had to fight through it to find a way to
get him off my porch.

Finally, I opened my mouth and swallowed the rough lump
that had formed, speaking in a soft voice. “I was about to take a shower, and
though you seem to think that’s our new thing, I prefer to do it alone.
Goodbye.”

“All right. I understand, and I can’t say I blame you.”
His voice was a quiet rumble, his eyes downcast. “But I tried. I wanted you
then, and I want you now….to love you and take care of you….but I can’t keep
waking up every day feeling like shit for something I didn’t mean…something I
can’t take back.” His eyes grew hard, staring straight through me now.

My teeth had dug so far into my bottom lip to silence the
quivering forcing its way out that they nearly drew blood. He was hurting, but
so was I, and it was exactly why this was for the best. We’d only hurt each
other again. I didn’t want to give him hope if there was none to take. He
needed to move on.

I began to shut the door when his hand flew out, holding
it open.

“I have to go out of town for a meeting. I tried to have
it rescheduled, but it’s important that I go.”

“Then have a good day at work, Logan.” My words were
monotone, needing him to leave before I lost my resolve. I added a little smile
to pull off the convincing performance…to let him leave not knowing my pain
matched his.

The tension in his broad shoulders grew visibly stiff.
His jaw clenched, working under the skin until he spoke again, his eyes boring
into mine.

“If I leave here right now with no word from you that we
ever
have a chance…then I’m done. I won’t come back. I’ll move on, like you asked.”

That was how much he cared? A week’s worth of his time,
and then he gives up? That wasn’t love. Not to me.

The disturbing bite in his tone brought me back, and I
released my sore bottom lip.

“
Goodbye
, Logan.”

His expression hardened, a vein bulging in the side of
his neck pulling my gaze from the tight frown marring his beautiful features as
I held strong. It only took a brief moment until he turned on his heel and
stalked down my front steps, cutting through the lawn to his house.

There was no stopping the waterworks that came when I
slammed the door and fell to the floor, curling into a trembling ball. It was
over. I wanted him out of my life, and now he was. If only I didn’t feel like
my entire world was falling further into pieces.

By the time the clock struck ten
that night, I’d called Hilary over to distract me from myself. We were sitting
crossed-legged on my living-room floor, a deck of cards in hand and two empty
wine bottles beside us. She was going to regret it in the morning, but the
weather man had called for an overnight snowstorm and she was convinced school
would close down the next day.

“That is not a full house!” I exclaimed, bending forward
to examine the cards she’d laid out. “Right? I mean…no, that’s a…”

My head flew back as laughter broke out, followed by a
sudden hiccup. My hand flew over my chest as I sucked in my lips, willing my
giggling to cease.

“Yes it is! There is a—” She looked up from her cards
she’d laid on the carpet, then quickly swooped them back into her hand. “Shit!”

“I’m out,” I said, dropping the cards and rolling to my
side, stretching out my legs. She did the same, her hand under her cheek
propping her up, facing me. We officially sucked at poker.

“It’s been over three weeks since the night of the
accident. Eventually, you’ll have to talk about what happened. You know that,
right?”

Her voice was kind and gentle, but it still stung my
heart. I was ashamed to tell her how Logan’s feelings for me were so different
from my own.

I mimicked her position and smiled, changing the subject.
“So, did Caleb enjoy the Bond-girl look you had going on?”

With a slight pout to her lip, she conceded.

“Fine, we can talk about Caleb, but I’m not going to stop
hounding you until I hear at least the Cliffs Notes version of New Year’s. I
need to know if I should be ashamed for being Team Logan.” She tilted her head
slightly, gauging my stoic emotions. “Should I? ‘Cause I really like the guy,
and it’s obvious he genuinely cares about you.”

Desperate for Logan’s name to vanish from my ears, I
asked the unthinkable that I knew she’d been waiting to gush about. “So,
Caleb…what’s he like in bed?”

She chuckled and dipped her head down, then looked back
at me, grinning. “Amazing. Mind-blowing. Toe curling. I have never screamed so
loud in my life. And the way he’s so eager to ensure I never leave bed
unsatisfied…well, let’s just say I’m madly in love with the man. It’s better
than I ever dreamed it could be.”

I lay there resting my head on my arm and watching her
talk, her eyes bright and face glowing as she filled me in on the little
romantic gestures he did for her: the way he opened doors, held her hand, and
never went to sleep without telling her he loved her. How did all that happen
so soon? Logan and I met at the same time Caleb came back, and we were so far
away from having any of that.

Hilary had it so easy. Caleb adored her, and anyone could
see that. Logan, on the other hand, adored sex.

“We’re out?” I asked, sitting up and shaking the empty
bottles.

Hilary stood and reached for her phone on the coffee
table. “Good thing Caleb has the hookup.”

“The hookup?” I laughed.

“Yep, and he’s going to make sure we have everything we
need tonight.” As she spoke, her fingers slid over the phone, texting. “Done.
Reinforcements are on their way.”