Irresistible Fear (39 page)

Her mother was clearly aware of the change as well. “Well, believe it or not, I do worry about you Emily. I know I have never really shown it before. But I’ve learned some things in the last few weeks. Some things that have taught me what kind of person I want to be. I want to be there for you. You deserve to have a mother who gives a damn, and I’m determined to be that for you.”

Emily looked into her mother’s sober eyes and saw that they were wet with unshed tears. Without thinking twice, she hugged her mother, breathing in the smell of her vanilla soap on her skin. Her mother stiffened and then realizing that Emily wasn’t pulling away, she wrapped her arms around her daughter and simply held on.

Emily couldn’t stop the tears that began to roll down her cheeks and she finally succumbed to the tidal wave of emotions. She shook and shuddered and through it all, her mother held her. Emily was comforted in a way she hadn't been since she was a child. It felt good and she realized how much she needed it still.

When she finally quieted down, her mother sat back and wiped the final tears from her face. “What’s wrong Emily? I know you probably don't want to tell me. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here. I promise.” Emily was so tempted to tell her mom everything. Just as she had been tempted to spill it all to Sasha.

But she didn’t. So instead she shrugged and gave a small hiccup. “It’s nothing mom. I’m just feeling emotional lately.” She pulled her fingers through her hair and loosened the pony tail at the base of her neck.

Her mother touched the necklace that hung around her neck. “You still wearing it, I see.” Emily nodded. Her mother smiled. “I’m glad. The Lord can protect you in ways that I can’t Emily. Remember that.” Emily almost rolled her eyes, as she had done every time her mother mentioned her new found faith.

But she didn’t. Her mother’s belief in God was a profound comfort for her and who was Emily to discourage that. It was horribly selfish to belittle something that obviously meant so much to her mom. So instead she hugged her again and then stood up.

“I’ve got homework to do. So I’m going to head on up to my room.” Emily picked up her book bag that still sat at the base of the stairs and slung it over her shoulder. Her mother had picked her Bible back up and was trying to find her spot.

Emily stopped and watched her mother for a moment. “I love you mom. I really do.” Her mother looked up at her and Emily saw tears trailing down her weathered cheeks. “I love you too, baby girl.” The two stared at each other and Emily, filled with a glowing warmth, went upstairs.

After getting a shower, Emily went through her drawers and found her favorite pair of pajamas. Fuzzy pink and covered with tiny elephants. They had been a gag gift from Sasha last Christmas. But right now, she wanted to snuggle down in them. They were warm and comforting and she needed that right now.

She tried to ignore the bottle of pills that sat, waiting on her bedside table. They seemed to glow like a neon light. Emily went around her room, dimming lamps and lighting candles. She had this perverse need to set the mood just right. It looked as if she were planning a romantic rendezvous rather than possibly overdosing on drugs.

Going to her desk, she picked up the pile of pictures from her photography trip and found the one of her and Tavin as Chris. She focused on his blue eyes that seemed to blaze from the page. Emily closed her eyes a moment and she could have sworn she could still smell cinnamon.

Emily twisted her Nan's ring again. “This is for Tavin.” She whispered to herself, getting strength from the words. She reached up and touched the cross that hung around her neck. Her mother had been so sure it would help her. If only it had been that easy. So Emily slowly unclasped the necklace and let it slip down her body until it fell to the floor beside her.

She listened to her mother move around down stairs. Waiting for when she would finally go to bed. It seemed to take forever. Emily’s impatience grew until she almost talked herself out of her plan.

Finally, the house grew quiet. Emily got up and checked the hallway, everything was dark. It was time. She closed her door, but for once didn’t lock it. Lying on her bed, she held the bottle, shaking the pills so they rattled. Then finally she took out four pills. Holding them in her hand, she felt her palm get sweaty. Was four too many? Not enough?

Before she could second guess herself, she unscrewed the cap of her water bottle. In one smooth motion, she swallowed them, the chalky texture sticking in her throat. Then Emily lay back on her pillow and waited for the dark.

Chapter 41

Suddenly Emily was on her beach. The sun beat down on her back and the water gently lapped at her toes. The sand was warm under her bare feet and she looked down at herself. She was still wearing her pajamas and she started feeling extremely warm. Looking around, she realized she was completely alone.

Tavin wasn’t here obviously. What was she supposed to do now? Feeling a sense of failure she sat down on the sand and dug her fingers into the tiny grains. She let the granules slide through her hand, watching them filter through, over and over again.

Sitting there on their beach she thought only of him. Of the first time he had shown himself to her and that feeling that she had known him forever. Their connection had been instantaneous, for now obvious reasons. Emily thought of her first impression of him. The boy with dark hair and impossibly blue eyes. Now that she thought about the experience with clear eyes, she realized even then she had been a little in love with him.

Concentrating on that feeling, that need that always coursed through her body when they were apart only to spill over into something else entirely when they were together. Love. That's what they had. As improbable as it had been, her dream boy had fallen in love with her and she with him. It had gone against everything that he was but it had happened nonetheless.

Emily needed to see him, to find him. She concentrated so hard that she felt weak and light headed. Tavin. Tavin. She thought of his scent and swore she could smell the cinnamon that rolled off of him like the waves lapping at her feet.

Tavin. Tavin. Tavin.

And just like that, Emily was falling like Alice dropping through the rabbit hole. She landed with a decisive thud on a soft cushioning of sand. But this sand was very different than the beach she had just left. She struggled to stand up, her feet sinking into the fine grains. She had a hard time finding her balance and she rocked unevenly for a few moments until she got her footing.

Emily finally looked around her. As far as the eye could see was nothing but sand, rolling dunes of white. She peered into the sky. It was the same milky white as the sand, no color, no sun. More like a blank piece of paper. Overall it was a barren wilderness and caused feelings of depression to unfurl in her gut.

Emily felt like sinking down onto the grainy ground and staying there. The despair was overwhelming and overrode every thought. Why had she come here? There was nothing in her life, nothing but this. Why not just lay down here and let the sadness overtake her?

She fell to her knees and tried to come to grips with what was going on. She had a reason for being here in the first place. What was it? She thought hard. It hurt to think. Emily cradled her head in her hands and rocked back and forth.

She knew there was something she was supposed to be doing. What was it? Emily fell to her side and began to stroke the smooth surface of a ring on her finger. Feeling the pointed edges of the diamonds, her memory twinged.

Then it hit her. Her purpose, her reason for being there. Tavin. He was her purpose and she had to find him.

She summoned what little strength she had and got to her feet. Trying to get her thoughts together she looked around her, looking for a clue as to why her thoughts of Tavin brought her here.

Where was
here
? Looking around, she tried not to feel the despair that sat on the edge of her conciousness. Why in the world would Tavin be in such a place?

Well, she wouldn’t find anything by just standing there like an idiot. She needed to move, do something, anything. So, slowly and with unsteady steps, she began to walk. The sand was difficult to move through. It seemed to grip at her feet like tiny hands trying to suck her under.

Several times she had to wrench her feet free from the sucking depths of sand. Her heart hammered in her chest and she admitted that she was scared. Emily remembered how she came to be here. The pills she had taken, the toll that would take on her body.

Emily began to yell internally at herself. She could easily die. It was a very real possibility. If not by the pills then Lilith would surely finish her off.

The reality of that hit her suddenly. She may have very well risked it all, everything to find him. And she may not find him. Tavin could be lost to her forever. This was a shot in the dark, literally. She made her decision based on a whim goaded by a nostalgic memory of her Nanny's grand love story.

Shaking her head, she ridded herself of the negative thoughts. Emily couldn’t allow herself to doubt her choices. She needed to be sure, to be confident in her path. It was her only hope at finding Tavin, of being able to possibly save both of them.

Emily kept walking. Walking and walking and when she felt as if she couldn’t go on, she walked some more. At least there’s no sun, Emily thought grudgingly. She looked for anything positive at that point.

She let the memories of Tavin filter through her brain. She remembered his disarmingly charming smile, his delicious black curls. The way he smelled, of earth and cinnamon. The way his eyes, had filled with emotion as he told her how he loved her. The incredible closeness she felt with him that made her feel as if they were two pieces of one soul. He was her fate…not this dreadful place.

Her memories fortified her as nothing else could. Her legs were heavy with exhaustion, the sweat sticky on her cheeks but she kept going. He needed her and she wouldn't fail him.

Emily may have been walking for hours, or it could have only been a few minutes. But after what felt like an eternity she came to the top of a dune and stopped. Standing 100 yards away was the most terryifying structure she had ever seen.

It reminded Emily of some huge medival castle. It was complete with turrets and a draw bridge. But there was something definitely wrong about it. There seemed to be a darkness that permeated the air.

This was it. This place held her answers, she just knew it. But she was hesitant to move foreward. It felt like the end of the road. This was the final piece of the complex puzzle and now that she was faced with it, she found that she was almost scared of it. The ending of it all.

Well, there was no turning back now. She was here. Tavin could very well be within those dark and oppressive walls. The thought of him made her heart flutter inside her chest and strengthened her resolve. She could do this.

Emily didn’t delude herself in thinking that there was a possibility that they could be together. Even after everything and as much as they loved each other, they were too different. The truth was they could never co exist in a normal world. Emily's sudden acceptance of this made the hurt start all over again. Like she lost him a second time. Shaking her head she scolded herself for her inability to think more positive. This wasn't about her feelings. This was about finding Tavin and trying to secure some sort of peace, if that was at all possible.

So Emily began moving again. A little quicker this time. And she found herself in front of the large gate in a matter of moments. Now that she stood there, she realized she had no clear defined plan and that was a dangerous thing. Anything could meet her on the otherside.

Emily was being viciously hunted. She was the prey and she knew that the hunter lived here. This was Lilith’s place. It reeked of her. This is where Tavin had lived out his existence, until he had found her.

She shuddered thinking of it. She knew that he was a demon, but he had proven how unique he was. He was able to feel empathy and love. That made him something better, something different. Emily concentrated on this as she pushed her weight against the thick wooden gate. The wood felt hot beneath her hands and she tried not to pull away.

It didn’t budge. Emily pushed again. Nope. It definitely wasn’t moving. She was overcome by a desperate strength and began frantically beating the door with her hands.

Emily began to panic. Her hands were bruised and bleeding. So close but still miles away. The scream that tore from her throat shocked her. The rawness of that sound seemed to rock the walls around her.

There was a thickening silence and then a noise. Emily strained her ears, thinking that she must have imagined it. There it was again. A small creak, the sound of wood on wood. A grinding, as before her eyes the massive gate slowly opened.

Emily was stupefied and unsure of what to do. But then snapping out of it she went inside, before her better senses could say otherwise.

The gate opened into a small courtyard. It was dusty with dirt and sand. The walls were lined with stone benches. Large mounds covered each bench and towered upward at least ten feet high.

What the? Emily moved towards the closest bench to investigate further. And was promptly sorry that she did. These mounds were piles of bodies. Demon bodies. Black ooze poured sluggishly out of gaping holes where eyes should have been. Their faces seemed melted as if they were wax and had been left in front of a fire.

It was then that the smell hit her. It was putrid and immediately conjured the nightmares that had been plaguing her since Tavin had left. It was the same horrible smell and it made her gag. She leaned over and wretched into the dirt.

Emily braced her hands on her knees and heaved until her insides felt as if they would fall out. When she was finally done she stayed hunched over, trying to simply breathe.

She was in serious trouble here. But she couldn’t do anything about it. She was stuck. There was no way she would be waking up anytime soon.