Irresistible Fear (37 page)

Emily smiled at him, really seeing him. He was such a good person. She hadn’t always treated him with a whole lot of respect. Sasha was a lucky girl and she hoped she treated him the way he deserved.

“I think I'll pass. But thanks.” She made to open the front door when Jeremy grabbed her hand. “Thank you.” He said in a hushed voice. Emily was startled. “Thank you? For what?” She looked toward Sasha, who was watching them intently. She didn't look angry or anything, just interested.

Jeremy squeezed her hand. “For being okay with me and Sasha. I know it has to be strange for you.” Emily shook her head. “I'll tell you the same thing I've told Sasha a million times. I'm happy for you guys.” Jeremy pulled his hand away and smiled again. “Well, thank you again. Sasha...she's something else. Keeps me on my toes...but I dig her. A lot. Just don't tell her I told you that.” He whispered quickly. Emily snickered at the identical words now coming from Jeremy. They really were a funny pair.

Jeremy hugged her. “Take care of yourself Em. You're worrying me you know.” Emily breathed in his scent, her heart aching for the smell she longed for. “Okay. Thanks.” Emily said and unlocked her front door.

Jeremy was already back to his car. “I’ll call you later, just to check in.” He called back to her. Emily nodded and then closed the door behind her.

She stood in the dark and silent house, her back pressed to the front door. She dropped her bag at the foot of the stairs and went up to her room. She opened her bedroom door and it hit something that sat just behind the entry. Emily pushed open the door and saw a yellowed box just inside. Her mother had left her a note on top:

Em, was going through the boxes in the basement and found this stuff. Figured you'd want to check out what you want to keep or toss. Working late tonight then have a meeting. Left casserole in the fridge. Love you, Mom

Carefully opening the box, Emily caught a whiff of mold and mildew. Man, this box had been in the basement for a while. She laughed at the words scrawled on the side in her childish script; 'Emily's stuff stay out or die!' She always was such a drama queen.

Emily slowly sorted through the items inside. A lot of it was junk. Old yearbooks, a moth eaten t-shirt from her visit to Hershey Park when she was four. Her old jewelry box was nestled close to the bottom. She pulled it out and opened it. The ballerina was bent and made lazy circles; the music of Pachelbel’s Cannon in D sounding like it was on its last legs.

She gingerly fingered through the bits and bobs. Most of it was costume jewelry and plastic rings from vending machines at the grocery store but then her eyes caught sight of something different. Picking it up, Emily realized it was her Nan's wedding ring. The diamonds set into the white gold band shimmered in the light. It was slightly tarnished but it was still beautiful.

Emily had never known her great-grandfather, he had died when
her
mother had been a girl, but she was very familiar with the stories of him. The love between he and Nan had seemed like a fairy tale to a young Emily. Nan had met him after World War II. Her great grandfather, Nelson, was a young lieutenant, just home from fighting in Germany and had taken a job at a local diner in Corolla, as a busboy. Nan, who was a girl of sixteen, had met him when she went in to eat with her family. To hear her great grandmother tell the story, it had been love at first sight. Nelson had been five years older, but age didn't matter. Nan's parents hadn't approved, of course, and they had to carry on their relationship in secret.

After two months of this, Nan's mother had found them together and had planned to ship off the young Nan to Connecticut to live with her aunt. The lovers, scared of being torn apart, eloped. They were married 55 years, until Nelson had died of a sudden heart attack. Nanny admitted that her relationship with her parents had never healed; they had never forgiven her for running away. But Emily remembered her great grandmother's hushed voice when she told her that she never regretted a moment of it. That she would give up everything for another moment with her Nels.

And Nan had given Emily her wedding ring, her dearest possession, telling her she hoped she would find a love like that one day. She remembered her great grandmother's voice as they sat on the couch one summer evening when Emily was nine. Nan's arm was around her shoulders and she held the ring in front of her. “Love is everything Em. When you find it, hold onto it with everything you have.” She had slipped the ring onto her finger. It had been way too big at the time, but Emily had been awed by its beauty.

Sitting there holding the ring she was horrified that she had forgotten all about it and the amazing story attached to it. Gently and purposefully, Emily slid the ring onto her third finger and was surprised to find that it fit perfectly. Thinking of Tavin and all that she had had with him she knew that Nan was right. Love
was
worth it.

Standing up she walked to her window, pulling aside her polka dot curtains. The giant maple tree desperately needed trimming. The branches scraped the glass, sounding like fingernails. The wind moved the tree in a gentle sway.

Emily remembered hanging onto that tree for dear life. What an idiot she had been to try and climb that thing. She could easily have died that day in her attempt to get up to her room. She let go of the curtains, watching them fall back into place. Her mind drifted back to that day and the moment she had made contact with the ground.

She had lost consciousness for a considerable amount of time. She remembered being drawn immediately to Tavin and how angry he had been with her for not taking the injury more seriously. Chuckling to herself, she thought of his irritation and how he had held her so gently despite how frustrated he was.

Hugging her arms to herself, she could almost imagine they were his arms that touched her. Emily started moving away from the window when she froze. Rushing back to her window she looked again out at that tree.

She had lost consciousness, and she had gone straight to Tavin. But she had been consumed with thoughts of him before she fell. Actually, now that she thought about it...he was always her last thought before falling to sleep. The last few weeks, she had been consumed with her dread of Lilith. Could that have been the change maker? If she thought again of Tavin, could her intense need for him, her desire to see him, somehow help her find him? Their bond was intense. She was his mark. So that should be able to take her to him. But how could she stay asleep long enough to find him?

What if she lost consciousness again? Would it work? If she focused on only Tavin and their connection, would she be able to locate him? No, it was crazy. She could have been seriously hurt when she fell out of that tree and it hadn’t been on purpose.

But now that the thought had poked its way into her brain she couldn’t let it go. What if she could see him again? Would she risk it? Could she risk it? Opening her window she grabbed the tree limb that scrapped the side of the house. Looking down she felt the vertigo.

Backing away from the open sash she took deep, gulping breaths. No, she wouldn’t fall out of a tree hoping it would knock her out. That was beyond insane. She may not lose consciousness but could instead break her freaking leg and then where would that leave her?

Rationality won out and she quickly closed the window. Puffing into her hands to warm them, her mind whirled in a million directions. She needed to really think about this. How could she lose consciousness safely? Was there such a thing as safe unconsciousness? Didn’t they put people in comas sometimes?

Emily remembered a time when Jeremy’s mother had been in the hospital after a bad fall. Mrs. Evans had gotten hurt when the family went skiing, had fractured her back in several places. Emily remembered Jeremy telling her how they had induced a coma to ensure that she didn’t hurt her back more severely.

It was possible. She could do it. But the technicalities seemed to be overwhelming. How in the world could she induce a coma? How could she possibly get her hands on the drugs that would do the trick?

Then she was overcome by an almost hysterical laughter. She lived with an addict. Maybe her mom could prove useful after all. Emily made a beeline for her mother’s bathroom at the end of the hall. Opening the medicine cabinet she was disappointed to see that the only thing it held was a bottle of Tylenol.

Goddamn her mother and her new found sobriety. She laughed again. To think she was actually cursing her mother’s efforts at becoming clean. What had she come to? Here she was, trying to score drugs from her mother, who would have thought it?

But then Emily was gripped by an irrational desperation. There had to be something here that could help her! How would she ever be able to find the drugs she needed otherwise? She began to pull things out of the cabinet under the sink. Her mother had to have overlooked something.

Emily wracked her brain thinking of her mother’s numerous hiding places for drugs. She looked behind the toilet, the bedside table, the closet. Nothing. Her panic began to escalate and she ransacked her mother’s room in a futile search for something, anything that could help her.

After a half an hour, Emily gave up. Her mom had cleaned everything out. She knew she should be proud of her mother, but just then she couldn’t summon up any feelings but anger and frustration.

Now that her plan was made, she needed to find a way to follow through. Emily began to think about who sold drugs at her school. How could she buy something without getting caught? Her plan careened dangerously out of control as she thought of a million scenarios to score the drugs she needed to get to Tavin.

Her cell phone began to buzz in her pocket. It broke her out of her obsessive thought process. Looking at the display, she saw Sasha’s number. Answering it, she attempted to calm the panic that tinged her voice.

“Hello?” “Hey Emily! Jer and I couldn't agree on a movie. Surprise there. Can you believe he expected me to see that new slasher movie in that franchise that has like fifteen sequels? I mean, really?”

Emily barely listened to Sasha as she spoke, her mind a thousand miles away, on her now concrete agenda. “Emily! Are you listening to me? Are you okay?” Her friend’s concern finally broke through her concentration. “I’m fine Sasha. So, you didn't go see a movie?”

She could hear Sasha's frustrated sigh. “I just told you we couldn't agree on a movie. Now I'm home and wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner. Mom and Dad are out but mom made spaghetti before she left. I know how you love mom's spaghetti.”

As if on cue, Emily's stomach growled loudly. Sasha laughed. “Girl, I heard that. I'll take that as a yes.”

“Sure, I’ll head over in a few.” Emily told her, reaching for a band and pulling her hair back from her face. “No, actually I’ll come get you.” Sasha jumped in. Emily frowned. “Okay. I’ll meet you out front in five minutes.” “Cool! I'll be right there.” Sasha hung up abruptly. Emily was left staring at her phone, her plans to find Tavin temporarily on hold.

Five minutes later, on the dot, Sasha pulled up out front and beeped her horn. Emily hurried into Sasha’s car. “Hey, so where’s the fire?” Emily asked jokingly. Sasha grinned. “I'm starving and my appetite waits for no one!” Emily propped her arm on the window and leaned her head on her hand. “Your hunger is unmerciful.” She quipped. Sasha and Emily's stomachs growled in unison and they burst out laughing.

After arriving at Sasha's house, the girls ran through the front door. Emily was breathless by the time they reached the kitchen. Sasha was laughing and for a moment Emily remembered the simplicity of her life before the nightmares...before Tavin. And it made her sad. Because she missed the carefree existence not mired down by secrets and lies. Sasha had always seen her so clearly and it scared Emily that she was able to deceive her so completely. What kind of person did that make her?

She turned her Nan's ring around on her finger, noticing the way it cut into her skin. Was love really worth it? Was it worth losing everything?

“Wow, that's incredible! I don't think I've ever seen this before.” Sasha picked up Emily's finger and scrutinized the ring. “Are those diamonds?” Sasha asked, squinting over it. Emily gave a dry chuckle. “Yes, Sash. They're real.” Sasha gave a low whistle. “Rollin' in the bling I see.” Emily rolled her eyes. “Bling really? What is this 2001? You are so lame.”

Sasha threw a dish towel at her. “Whatever Em.” Emily took a seat at the counter and continued to twist the ring compulsively. The piece of jewelry was making it hard to focus. It made her process and think about everything ad nauseum. Because Tavin was gone, lost to her...or was he? Could she get to him really?

“Hello, Emily? You there?” Sasha waved her hands in front of her face. “Huh?” Emily asked, blinking rapidly. Sasha stuck her tongue out. “I asked where the ring came from.”

“Oh, it was my Nan's. I found it in some junk earlier.” Emily couldn't take her eyes off the delicate gold. “You found it in junk? Way to take care of stuff with sentimental value.” Sasha said sarcastically. Emily tore her eyes away from her hand and gave a wry smile. “I was like ten when I put it in the box...give me a break.”

Sasha pulled the Tupperware container out of the microwave and spooned spaghetti into two bowls and slid one down the counter toward Emily. Stopping it before it went off the edge; Emily picked up her fork and dug in. They ate in companionable silence; the only noise was their very loud slurping.

When they were done, Sasha shoved the bowl away from her and groaned. “Dear God I think I'm gonna pop. I need to lie on the couch.” Sasha waddled into the living room. Emily laughed, following her.

“Yeah, whatever. I have to go the bathroom, so make yourself comfy, just leave a blanket for me alright. Be right back.” Emily headed down the hallway.

After washing her hands, she felt the tell-tale signs of a headache. Emily rubbed her temples and knew she’d have to take something or she would be miserable in about thirty minutes. Opening the medicine cabinet she started rummaging around for some something to take.