Karlology (22 page)
Authors: Karl Pilkington
“
T
h
e universe is 93
b
i
ll
ion
l
i
gh
t
y
ears across”, was t
h
e
op
enin
g
l
ine o
f
t
h
e
A
t
l
as o
f
t
h
e Universe
.
I
t went on to ex
p
lain the Bi
g
Ban
g
theor
y
, which I’ve alwa
y
s
q
uestioned.
W
as the bang really big or did it just sound big cos there was
n
o ot
h
er noise to
d
rown it out? I must
h
ave
b
een stan
d
ing
l
oo
k
in
g
at t
h
e
p
ictures
f
or a w
h
i
l
e, an
d
I
g
ot so into it t
h
at I
d
i
d
n’t
h
ear t
h
e o
ld
f
e
ll
a w
h
o I’
d
seen ear
l
ier come s
h
u
ffl
in
g
be
hin
d
m
e.
“I
t
a
m
a
z
es
m
e
m
o
r
e
n
o
w
t
h
a
n i
t
d
i
d
wh
e
n I w
as
a child”, he said loudly. A few people coughed and rattled t
h
eir
p
a
p
ers as i
f
t
h
e
y
’
d
b
een waitin
g
f
or some noise to cue t
h
em. He stoo
d
t
h
ere
l
oo
k
in
g
at t
h
e
p
ictures wit
h
me. Wit
h
the ima
g
es of s
p
ace and his heav
y
breathin
g
, I felt like I was in
S
tar
W
ar
s
.
It got awkward as I wanted to turn the page,
b
ut
h
e seeme
d
to
b
e rea
d
ing it. T
h
ere must
b
e a
b
out 3000
b
oo
k
s in t
h
is
l
i
b
rar
y
an
d
h
e
d
eci
d
es to start rea
d
in
g
t
h
e one
I
’ve
g
ot in m
y
h
an
d
.
I
sta
r
ted
to
l
oo
k
at
t
h
e
ot
h
e
r
boo
k
s
o
n
t
h
e
s
h
e
lf whil
e
still holding the universe book in my other hand for him to carr
y
on rea
d
in
g
. He
d
i
d
n’t sto
p
mum
bl
in
g
. I
p
ic
k
e
d
anot
h
er
b
oo
k
, passe
d
t
h
e universe
b
oo
k
to
h
im, an
d
t
h
en move
d
to anot
h
er ais
l
e. W
h
enever I
h
ear
d
h
is
b
reat
h
in
g
close b
y
, I moved on. It was like
p
la
y
in
g
a real-life
g
ame o
f
P
ac-Man, moving up and down the aisles to get away. It’s amazing that the universe is so, so big and yet I couldn’t get awa
y
f
rom t
h
e
h
eav
y
-
b
reat
h
in
g
man. I
d
eci
d
e
d
to
l
eave
.
W
h
en I
g
ot
h
ome I
l
oo
k
e
d
on eBa
y
to see i
f
an
y
zar
f
s/
z
urfs were for sale, but there wasn’t. Instead eBa
y
direc
t
e
d me to some table mats (18 of them for
£
18) that fe
a
ture
d
h
istorica
l
p
l
aces o
f
Britain on t
h
em. T
h
e counter on t
h
e
b
ottom o
f
t
h
e screen sai
d
t
h
at t
h
e ta
bl
e mats
h
a
d
b
een viewe
d
16 times. Ma
yb
e it was ot
h
er
p
eo
pl
e
l
oo
k
in
g
to
b
u
y
some zarfs/zurfs.
I might buy them “just in case”.
exhibition
“WE
W
I
LL HA
V
E R
O
B
O
T
S
doin
g
the housework”,
“we will travel to work on floating skateboards” an
d
“
fi
s
h
ing ro
d
s wi
ll
g
l
ow in t
h
e
d
ar
k
”. T
h
at’s w
h
at t
h
e
T
V
p
ro
g
ramme
Tomorrow’s World
predicted in 1983 for the
y
ear 2000. T
h
e
y
d
i
d
n’t mention an
y
t
h
in
g
a
b
out
b
ui
ld
in
g
a
b
ig tent that would be called the Millennium Dome.
I
d
on’t
k
now i
f
y
ou’ve ever
b
een cam
p
in
g
,
b
ut norma
lly
it’s on
ly
w
h
en
y
ou’ve erecte
d
t
h
e tent t
h
at
y
ou rea
l
ize it
w
asn’t the best
p
lace to
p
ut it.
I
think this is what ha
pp
ened
w
it
h
t
h
e Mi
ll
ennium Dome.
I
saw t
h
em
b
ui
ld
it
f
rom scratc
h
cos
I
l
ive
d
across t
h
e ot
h
er si
d
e o
f
t
h
e T
h
ames
f
rom its
pl
ot
–
a
h
uge,
d
ere
l
ict piece o
f
toxic waste
l
an
d
surroun
d
e
d
b
y cement
f
actories,
g
aswor
k
s an
d
f
rei
gh
t containers. Ot
h
e
r
than that it was lovel
y
. Ever
y
one watched as it took them two years to construct. That’s another thing with tents: always
more difficult to put together when you know othe
r
p
eo
pl
e are watc
h
in
g
.
A
f
ter it a
pp
eare
d
, as i
f
by
ma
g
ic over two
y
ears, I was
l
ookin
g
forward to seein
g
the inside. We went on a wet
S
unday afternoon at the end of January 2000
.
I
t was
b
usy outsi
d
e. Loa
d
s o
f
tourists, an
d
w
h
ere t
h
ere
are tourists, there are beggars. These were healthier-looking
b
e
gg
ars, t
h
ou
gh
. I su
pp
ose tourist s
p
ots are
g
oo
d
areas
f
or begging as there are lots of people with cash to spend,
p
lus foreign tourists probably sometimes don’t know how muc
h
mone
y
t
h
e
y
’re
g
ivin
g
awa
y
. T
h
is mi
gh
t ex
pl
ain w
hy
t
h
e
h
ome
l
ess man we
p
asse
d
cou
ld
a
ff
or
d
to
b
e sat eatin
g
H
äa
g
en-Dazs ice cream. As well as the tourists, there were
l
ots of screaming kids all excited about being in the much-
ta
lk
e
d
-a
b
out Dome. I
f
e
l
t
l
i
k
e a Wi
ll
y Won
k
a winner, a
b
out to receive an ever
l
astin
g
g
o
b
sto
pp
er. Instea
d
, I receive
d
a
h
eart-sto
pp
er: TWENTY QUID a tic
k
et to
g
et in.
We went through one of the 30 or so gates, which led to a big space under the tent containing more tourists and more screamin
g
k
i
d
s. T
h
ere were nois
y
p
ara
d
es,
p
eo
pl
e on
sti
l
ts an
d
d
ancers. T
h
ere was a
h
uman
b
o
d
y t
h
at you cou
ld
w
alk throu
g
h with lots of movin
g
p
arts.
A
s
y
ou walked throu
g
h it, a sinister voice told
y
ou facts like, “Ever
y
h
u
man starts life as a single cell for 30 minutes” and “Humans make one litre of saliva a day”. There was a strange smell in t
h
e
b
o
dy
. I as
k
e
d
t
h
e over
ly
h
a
ppy
tour
g
ui
d
e i
f
it was ma
d
e to sme
ll
l
i
k
e t
h
e insi
d
e o
f
a rea
l
b
o
dy
. “No”, s
h
e sai
d
, “it’s
j
ust the smell of the
g
lue that’s holdin
g
it alto
g
ether. We can’t get rid of it”
.
I
n every space t
h
ere was some sort o
f
weir
d
art or
d
ance
g
oin
g
on. Peo
pl
e were even
h
an
g
in
g
f
rom t
h
e cei
l
in
g
(
t
h
ou
gh
I’m not sure i
f
t
h
e
y
were
p
art o
f
t
h
e s
h
ow or
p
a
ying
customers who couldn’t take it any more). The problem
w
as, the place was too big so there was loads of tat. It’s like
wh
en someone
b
u
y
s a
b
i
g
h
ouse – t
h
e
y
nee
d
to
b
u
y
l
oa
d
s o
f
f
urniture t
h
e
y
d
on’t nee
d
j
ust to
fill
t
h
e s
p
ace, ot
h
erwise it
e
nds u
p
lookin
g
cold and bare. I’ve
g
ot a mate who’s
g
ot a
b
ig house – I’d say too big, as he’s got a dead stuffed owl on a s
h
e
lf
. I ain’t got room
f
or a
l
iving ow
l
, never min
d
a
d
ea
d
o
ne. I’ve
h
ear
d
g
o
ldfi
s
h
g
row to t
h
e size o
f
t
h
eir surroun
d
ing
s; so does furniture. You
only have to look at pictures
o
f the inside of Buckingham Palace to see what I mean. They have lamp shades the size of Smart cars in there. The
w
a
y
I see it, i
f
y
ou
l
ive in a
h
ouse t
h
at
y
ou can
b
u
y
a so
f
a
f
or wit
h
out
h
aving to worry i
f
it wi
ll
fi
t t
h
roug
h
t
h
e
f
ront
d
oor,
y
our
h
ouse is too
b
i
g
. Give
h
umans a s
p
ace an
d
we’
ll
fill it. I’d be ha
pp
ier livin
g
in a wi
g
wam
.