Karlology (21 page)

I
h
a
d
a
q
uic
k
l
oo
k
at a me
d
ica
l
d
ictionar
y
. Some o
f
t
h
e
w
or
d
s
f
or i
ll
nesses are ri
d
icu
l
ous. I t
h
in
k
t
h
is is w
hy
d
o
c
tors’ handwritin
g
is alwa
y
s such a mess – the words are that complicated that they can’t remember how to spell them, so just put a messy scraw
l
d
own. Pneumonou
l
tramicroscopicsi
l
icovo
l
canoconiosis is a t
yp
e o
f
l
un
g
d
isease. I
f
someone can’t
b
reat
h
e t
h
at we
ll
, w
hy
g
ive t
h
e i
ll
ness a name t
h
at they’ll struggle saying in one breath? It can only be so that
w
hen a doctor says you have it, it makes you think you’re in sa
f
e, inte
ll
i
g
ent
h
an
d
s. I su
pp
ose i
f
t
h
e
y
sai
d
,
“
Y
a lungs are
b
u
gg
ere
d
”
y
ou’
d
b
e a
f
ter a secon
d
o
p
inion
.

P
neumonoultramicrosco
p
icsilicovolcanoconiosis. That’s
l
ike the 4x4 car of words. Unnecessarily big and just sho
wing
o
ff
. I
f
we carry on
l
i
k
e t
h
is, I t
h
in
k
poc
k
et
d
ictiona
r
ies wi
ll
b
ecome a t
h
in
g
o
f
t
h
e
p
ast. Eit
h
er t
h
at or
p
oc
k
ets are
g
onna
b
e massive, one or t
h
e ot
h
er. I won
d
er i
f
l
on
g
w
ords came about cos years ago people had more time to sit around chatting and had time to have long words in thei
r
sentences, w
h
ereas now ever
y
one is too
b
us
y
. T
h
at’s w
hy
s
h
ort
h
an
d
was invente
d
an
d
a
bb
reviations
,
d
ue to t
h
ere not
b
ein
g
enou
gh
minutes in t
h
e
d
a
y
to use a
ll
t
h
e
b
i
g
wor
d
s. To this da
y
I don’t do
j
oined-u
p
writin
g
. I’ve never been in that much of a rush. I only use short words so it doesn’t take me that long to write a sentence, whereas if you use
b
i
g
wor
d
s
y
ou
h
ave to write
f
ast. I a
l
so won
d
er i
f
t
h
ere are too man
y
wor
d
s cos t
h
ere are too man
y
l
etters. I s
p
ent a
l
ot
o
f time in
W
ales as a kid and was told that the
W
elsh have
l
ess letters in their alphabet. They don’t use the letters J, K, Q, Y, V, X or Z, so I
d
on’t
k
now w
h
at t
h
ey’
d
say i
f
t
h
ey saw a
q
uic
k
b
rown
f
ox
j
um
p
over a
l
az
y
d
o
g
. T
h
e
y
j
ust use t
h
e
l
etters t
h
e
y
d
o
h
ave a
l
ot more. L is a
f
avourite in Wa
l
es.
W
hereas
we
can’t use all our letters up, so we go adding
them to words where they aren’t really needed. Xylophone
d
oesn’t nee
d
an X,
p
neumonia
d
oesn’t nee
d
a P. It’s
l
i
k
e t
h
e
w
or
d
“
q
ueue”. W
h
at’s wit
h
t
h
e u-e-u-e? W
h
ose i
d
ea was it to add that when it wasn’t needed?
W
e use all these letters cos we don’t want any to become extinct. We try to save
e
veryt
h
ing t
h
ese
d
ays: save t
h
e pan
d
as, save t
h
e po
l
ar
b
ears, save t
h
e c
h
eer
l
ea
d
er, save t
h
e
l
etter X. I’m sic
k
o
f
it
.

I
’ve a
l
wa
y
s sai
d
we’ve now run out o
f
new inventions cos everything has been invented, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s cos we’ve run of out new names for things. Think
of
t
h
e amount o
f
stu
ff
t
h
ere is on t
h
e wor
ld,
a
ll
o
f
it nee
ding
to
b
e ca
ll
e
d
somet
h
ing. T
h
at’s w
h
y you get a
l
ot o
f
d
ou
bl
in
g
u
p
– cars name
d
a
f
ter anima
l
s an
d
p
eo
pl
e namin
g
t
h
e
ir ki
ds
a
f
te
r fr
u
i
ts.
Ev
e
n
t
h
e
dot
o
v
e
r
t
h
e
l
ette
r “i” h
as
a
n
ame: it’s called a tittle. Why does that even need a name? I
r
emember my English teacher telling us that Eskimos have a
b
out 1
00
wor
d
s
f
or snow. I to
ld
me mam t
h
at
f
act w
h
en
I
g
ot
h
ome
f
rom sc
h
oo
l
– s
h
e sai
d
s
h
e
k
new it a
l
rea
dy
an
d
that the reason was so Eskimo weathermen didn’t
g
et bored
w
hen having to talk about snow every day in their for
e
casts. I’ve since
f
oun
d
out t
h
ey ain’t got t
h
at many wor
d
s
f
or snow, an
d
t
h
at
y
ou s
h
ou
ld
n’t rea
lly
ca
ll
t
h
em Es
k
imos cos t
h
e
y
d
on’t
l
i
k
e it. T
h
e
y
now
p
re
f
er Inuit. But I
d
on’t think I’ll ever meet one so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. It
w
ould be like worrying that I’m gonna annoy a leprechaun
by
ca
ll
in
g
it a
g
nome.

I
ni
pp
e
d
d
own t
h
e science section o
f
t
h
e
l
i
b
rar
y
an
d
loo
k
ed
at
t
h
e
A
t
l
as o
f
t
h
e Universe
.
I
t
’
s
a
boo
k I’v
e
see
n in
a
f
ew bookshops and looked at a lot but never wanted to buy, as it’s massive.
A
s muc
h
as I
l
i
k
e
l
oo
k
in
g
at s
p
ace,
h
avin
g
a
l
ac
k
o
f
it means I wou
ld
n’t want t
h
is ta
k
in
g
u
p
room in t
h
e
fl
at. P
l
us, I
d
on’t t
h
in
k
it wou
ld
b
e t
h
at
h
an
dy
to
h
ave as I can’t see meself ever being that lost. Might be handy
f
or me mam, though – she’s always getting lost. Me mam an
d
d
a
d
l
ive in Wa
l
es now, an
d
me mam sti
ll
isn’t t
h
at
g
oo
d
at
k
nowing
h
er way a
b
out t
h
e p
l
ace. S
h
e
h
as to
h
ave t
h
ei
r
a
dd
ress in
h
er
h
an
db
a
g
in case s
h
e
g
ets
l
ost. S
h
e recent
ly
b
ou
g
ht a tea towel with a ma
p
of An
g
lese
y
on it from a charity shop. Me dad said, “Yeah it’ll be handy, that, if you get lost while doing the washing up.
”