Karlology (35 page)

He
g
ot u
p
o
ff
h
is seat a
f
ew sto
p
s
b
e
f
ore t
h
e sto
p
h
e
w
ante
d
, as
h
is
l
e
g
s weren’t as
g
oo
d
as t
h
e
y
use
d
to
b
e. He got off at Harrods in Knightsbridge. As people got on the
b
us I watched the Chelsea pensioner get hassled by what seeme
d
to
b
e American tourists wantin
g
a
ph
oto. He was movin
g
so s
l
ow
ly
, I t
h
in
k
t
h
e
y
t
h
ou
gh
t
h
e was some sort o
f
p
irate mime artist. People stared at his shining medals that informed everyone of his loyalty to this country when once in
b
att
l
e. I
d
on’t
k
now i
f
h
is
l
oya
l
ty gets
h
im any money o
ff
at B&Q though.

I
g
ot o
ff
two sto
p
s
l
ater an
d
ma
d
e m
y
wa
y
d
own to t
h
e
S
cience Museum. I
k
new it was
g
onna
b
e a
l
on
g
d
a
y
w
h
en
I
found myself in an area dedicated to atoms. A vi
deo
w
as
pl
a
y
in
g
to no one on a sma
ll
TV screen.
G
ra
ph
ics o
f
atoms
b
ounced about the screen as a voice told you the facts.
“
Y
ou
can
g
et 5 mi
ll
ion mi
ll
ion atoms on t
h
e
h
ea
d
o
f
a
p
in”, it
sa
i
d.
A
t
oms are dangerous enough – they are what makes the atomic bomb so powerful. So why store them on top
o
f a dangerous sharp object like a pin? They’re asking for trou
bl
e
.

A
professor came on screen to explain how he had cut into an atom to find the smallest thing in the world. “It is ca
ll
e
d
A
quar
k
.” T
h
is is w
h
at scientists
d
o, t
h
ey
k
eep
b
rea
k
ing t
h
ings to
b
its. T
h
ey are van
d
a
l
s wit
h
permission.
A
l
so on s
h
ow was a car cut in
h
a
lf
, an en
g
ine
f
rom a steam train in
b
its, an
d
an X-ra
y
mac
h
ine wit
h
its casin
g
remove
d
. They all had signs on them saying “DO
N
O
T T
O
UCH
”
. I don’t know why – what more damage could be done? Sc
i
e
ntists are a
ll
owe
d
to smas
h
t
h
in
g
s to
p
ieces,
y
et m
y
wa
r
r
ant
y
d
oesn’t stan
d
i
f
I unscrew t
h
e
b
ac
k
o
ff
me toaster.
W
e’re not allowed to learn by taking things apart ourselves
an
y
mo
r
e
.

SCIENCE

In 1905 Einstei
n

Came up wit
h
E
=
mc
squared

Yet in 2008 British
G
as

S
till can’t get my boiler repaired

A
rc
h
ime
d
es sai
d
“Eure
k
a!”

W
it
h
no
h
ot water ... I ree
k
a
!

I
h
a
d
a quic
k
wa
lk
t
h
roug
h
t
h
e museum to see w
h
at e
l
s
e
cau
gh
t m
y
e
y
e. T
h
ere was
l
oa
d
s o
f
stu
ff
. T
h
ere was an area that had all the gadgets that have been invented through the
y
ears. Some that seemed good at the time have just faded awa
y
. T
h
at’s t
h
e
p
ro
bl
em wit
h
g
a
dg
ets,
y
ou use t
h
em a cou
pl
e o
f
times an
d
t
h
en
b
un
g
t
h
em into a
d
raw or cu
pb
oar
d
and never see them again. James Bond is a prime example o
f
this, he had loads of gadgets but you never saw him use the same one twice. I
b
et
h
is cup
b
oar
d
s are
f
u
ll
o
f
tat.

T
h
ere was a section a
b
out
p
ower an
d
h
ow Eart
h
ma
y
r
un out o
f
it i
f
we
d
on’t start
b
ein
g
more care
f
u
l
wit
h
it. I thought this was a bit rich, seeing as I’d just been in a room that had a telly on showing a programme about atoms that
n
o one was watc
h
in
g
. “Turn out t
h
e stan
d
-
by
l
i
gh
t on
y
ou
r
TV” is a
l
wa
y
s t
h
e messa
g
e. I
d
on’t
k
now w
hy
t
h
at
l
i
gh
t
h
as to be there in the first place. Instead of telling us to turn it
o
ff, the makers of TVs should just not fit it to the telly in t
h
e
fi
rst p
l
ace. It’s
l
i
k
e t
h
e
l
ig
h
t in a
f
ri
d
ge, w
h
y was t
h
at
e
ver
p
ut in t
h
ere? No ot
h
er cu
pb
oar
d
s
h
ave
l
i
gh
ts t
h
at come
o
n when
y
ou o
p
en them, so wh
y
does the frid
g
e? It
j
ust
e
ncourages greedy people to eat at night. If the light wasn’t in there, fat people might not notice how much food was in t
h
e
f
ri
dg
e an
d
wou
ld
eat
l
ess.

I
t was t
h
e “Ex
pl
orin
g
S
p
ace” zone in t
h
e museum t
h
at
w
as the most interesting. There were bits of rocket engines
e
ver
y
w
h
ere. T
h
e
l
ast time I was in a
pl
ace
l
i
k
e t
h
is was
w
hen I went to a scrapyard near Old Trafford on the loo
k
o
ut for a wing mirror for my old 1982 Vauxhall Cavalier. I t
h
in
k
I wou
ld
h
ave rea
lly
b
een excite
d
a
b
out s
p
ace i
f
I was aroun
d
at t
h
e time t
h
e Moon
l
an
d
in
g
s were
b
roa
d
cast. T
h
e
o
nly big occasions I remember being on the telly when I
w
as younger were Princess Diana’s wedding and the music vi
d
eo
f
or Mic
h
ae
l
Jac
k
son’s “T
h
ri
ll
er”. I as
k
e
d
me
d
a
d
i
f
h
e
w
atc
h
e
d
t
h
e Moon
l
an
d
in
g
to see “man
g
o w
h
ere no man
h
as
b
een
b
e
f
ore”, an
d
h
e sai
d
h
e s
l
e
p
t t
h
rou
gh
it. “T
h
e
y
l
anded too late at night”, he said. I know what he means.
I
’ve never got into watching boxing on the TV cos the
figh
ts a
l
wa
y
s seem to
b
e on at aroun
d
3 am. It’s
h
ar
d
to
g
et
e
xcite
d
a
b
out somet
h
in
g
w
h
en
y
ou’re
k
nac
k
ere
d
. I t
h
in
k
that’s why they ring a bell at the end of each round, it’s to
w
ake you up if you’ve nodded off. Me dad said he isn’t intereste
d
in going to p
l
aces w
h
ere no man
h
as
b
een
b
e
f
ore. I t
h
in
k
t
h
is is cos
h
e
l
i
k
es to
k
now w
h
at t
h
e
p
ar
k
in
g
situation is before he
g
oes an
y
where.