Karlology (34 page)

“I CAN
’
T CHANGE A
£
10 NOT
E
.
Y
ou
’
d
be
bette
r
off
g
oin
g
to the under
g
round station and bu
y
in
g
an
O
ys
t
er travel card”, said the bus driver.
T
h
e
tou
ri
st
d
i
d
n’
t
h
a
v
e
a clue what the driver was going on about. Whatever you do these days, you need some kind of card to accompany
i
t.
T
rave
l
car
d
s, cre
d
it car
d
s,
d
e
b
it car
d
s, ID car
d
s, an
d
t
h
en there’s loyalty cards.
T
h
e amount of loyalty cards I have is
n
ow
g
ettin
g
out o
f
h
an
d
.
T
h
ese are car
d
s
y
ou
h
ave to
g
et stamped or zapped each time you buy food, a coffee, petrol,
o
r DIY stu
ff
f
rom B&Q, an
d
t
h
en in return gain points to
g
et mone
y
o
ff
items. I even
g
ot one recent
ly
f
or sausa
g
es.
Wh
en I
h
ave to
g
et t
h
em a
ll
out in a s
h
o
p
to
fi
n
d
t
h
e re
l
e
vant one, people start gathering round thinking I’m about
to
d
o a car
d
tric
k
. I
d
on’t
k
now
h
ow man
y
o
f
t
h
ese car
d
s
y
ou can have before you no longer remain loyal
.

I
swiped my Oyster card and went to get a seat while the
Sp
anis
h
man remaine
d
b
a
ffl
e
d
by
t
h
e term “O
y
ster car
d
”. I su
pp
ose it is
q
uite con
f
usin
g
. I t
h
in
k
t
h
e name is
f
rom t
h
e sa
y
in
g
“The World is
y
our O
y
ster”. That’s another food I’ve
never eaten, oysters. I’m not a fan of eating
any
f
oo
d
t
h
at is sti
ll
attac
h
e
d
to its
h
ouse
,
l
i
k
e snai
l
s, c
l
ams an
d
musse
l
s. P
l
us t
h
e
y
d
on’t
l
oo
k
nice. I t
h
in
k
t
h
is is w
hy
nature
p
ut a pearl inside oysters, it was a way to
e
ncourage people to buy them – they are
l
i
k
e mot
h
er nature’s scratc
h
car
d
s
.

T
h
ere were on
ly
a
f
ew
p
assen
g
ers on the bus. There was a
y
oun
g
lad who wore a New York Yankees cap (still don’t know
wh
y Eng
l
is
h
peop
l
e wear t
h
ese caps, you
w
ou
ld
n’t
g
et a New Yor
k
er wearin
g
a
C
harlton Athletic one). He had music blarin
g
out of his
p
hone. There was a couple who were sharing a map of London while gazing out of the window. They got off the bus at C
h
inatown, w
h
ic
h
m
y
mate ri
gh
t
ly
p
ointe
d
out is not a town, more a nove
l
t
y
street. I wou
ld
n’t even sa
y
it
h
as
e
nou
g
h to call itself a villa
g
e – it’s
j
ust a small selection of
r
estaurants,
h
er
b
a
l
s
h
ops an
d
b
oo
k
ies.
A
ll
t
h
e restaurants in C
h
inatown tr
y
to tem
p
t
y
ou in
by
d
an
gl
in
g
f
oo
d
in their windows, but the
p
roblem is, their window dis
p
la
y
skills aren’t the best. They just seem to hang up all thei
r
f
ood stock, to the point that you can’t see in the place. It’s
l
i
k
e t
h
e
y
use t
h
e s
q
ui
d
s
f
or curtains. Some o
f
t
h
e c
h
ic
k
ens
h
ave
b
een
h
an
g
in
g
t
h
ere
f
or t
h
at
l
on
g
t
h
at t
h
e
y
h
ave a tan. The Chinese offer some reall
y
odd stuff to eat – scor
p
ions, crispy spi
d
ers, sna
k
e meat an
d
b
attere
d
b
ugs.
Y
ou’d feel daft
comp
l
aining i
f
t
h
ere was a
fl
y in your soup. T
h
ey’
d
pro
b
a
bly
c
h
ar
g
e
y
ou an
d
sa
y
it’s a
g
arnis
h
.

T
h
e on
ly
ot
h
er
p
assen
g
er on t
h
e
b
us was a C
h
e
l
sea
p
e
n
sioner in the seat for the elderly. He had all the usual Chelsea pensioner gear on: the red coat, white gloves, the three cornere
d
h
at an
d
a
ll
h
is war me
d
a
l
s
,
w
h
ic
h
ratt
l
e
d
as we
h
it
b
um
p
s in t
h
e roa
d
. He was a cross
b
etween a to
by
j
u
g
and a windchime. The rattlin
g
would normall
y
have a
n
n
oyed me, but at least it was blanking out the noise bein
g
pl
aye
d
on t
h
e young
l
a
d
’s p
h
one. T
h
e C
h
e
l
sea pensione
r
h
a
d
a Sain
b
ur
y
’s
b
a
g
next to
h
im wit
h
some
P
G
Tip
s tea
b
ags, bread and
R
ich Tea biscuits in it. The bag ruined the
rest
o
f
t
h
e
l
oo
k
.
Th
e
out
fi
t
s
h
o
w
s
h
e
w
as
a
Bri
t
i
s
h
so
l
d
i
e
r
w
ho’d fought in wars and dodged bombs and bullets fo
r
h
is countr
y
, an
d
y
et
h
e sti
ll
h
a
d
to ni
p
out
f
or tea
b
a
g
s. It
w
ould be like seeing James Bond queuing up at a butcher’s to
b
u
y
f
our
l
am
b
c
h
o
p
s, it
j
ust ta
k
es awa
y
t
h
e s
p
ecia
l
ness o
f
it a
b
it. You’
d
h
ave t
h
ou
gh
t t
h
ere wou
ld
b
e a nice
b
a
g
to
g
o
w
ith the rest of the uniform, as soldiers in World War I and
I
I took all sorts with them to get them through the battles
–
t
h
ings
l
i
k
e pictures o
f
f
rien
d
s an
d
f
ami
l
y, to
b
acco an
d
matc
h
es – so a
b
a
g
wou
ld
h
ave come in
h
an
dy
. I watc
h
e
d
a
p
ro
g
ramme a
b
out Wor
ld
War I t
h
at to
ld
t
h
e stor
y
a
b
out
w
hen the war with the Germans paused on Christmas Day and they all had a game of football. The programme was all a
b
out
h
ow
g
reat it was t
h
at t
h
e ver
y
men w
h
o’
d
b
een tr
y
in
g
to
k
i
ll
eac
h
ot
h
er a
f
ew
h
ours
b
e
f
ore cou
ld
come to
g
et
h
er
l
ike this for a moment of normalness and have a game of
f
ootball. But what I wanted to know was: who thought it
w
ou
ld
b
e a goo
d
i
d
ea to ta
k
e a
f
oot
b
a
ll
wit
h
t
h
em
?