Kieran & Drew (17 page)

She patted his leg. “So… you’ve ‘sort of’ met someone?” she asked carefully, looking nervous.

His happy glow dimmed slightly. “I did, yeah.”
“Did?”

“I screwed up. I… I got jittery. I got scared about people finding out and just… just
dumped
him.”

 

“Oh,” she said softly, and when he looked at her, he was glad to see there was no disapproval in her eyes, only sympathy.

 

“‘Oh’? I was horrible, mom. He was so nice to me and I just cut him loose. I hurt him.”

 

“Drew, honey, you’re
eighteen
, and this was—I’m guessing— your first relationship?”

 

He nodded, feeling himself begin to blush at discussing with his mother his first ever foray into the dating world.

 

“Well then, we all make blunders, sweetie. It’s not like you were married.”

Drew snapped his head up from where he’d been studying the pattern of the tablecloth to look at her, and it dawned on him why he was so utterly wracked with guilt. “I’m just like Dad.”

“
What
?” His mother actually laughed at him. “Drew, what on earth are you talking about? You couldn’t be any different from your father if you tried.”

“But… but I just
abandoned
him, Mom. I left him all alone.” And that was really why it didn’t sit well with him. Not only because of the fact that he missed Kieran, but because of the way he’d ended things.

“Oh Drew, honey,
no
. That is not what I meant. I wasn’t comparing you to your father and me!”

 

“But—”

 

“Drew, everyone gets skittish, particularly when it’s to do with something so new and frightening.”

“You don’t understand, I was such an ass. I….” he sighed. “I made him cry, mom.” He admitted, cringing and with no small amount of shame.

Something in her eyes softened. “Let me ask you this, is he a nice boy?”

 

Drew laughed sadly, rubbing the back of his neck. It was such a motherly thing to ask. “Yeah, yeah he’s real nice, mom.”

 

“And do you want to fix things between you?”

Drew flinched. Now that the emotional admissions and words of acceptance had been voiced, actually talking about his would-be love life—with another dude—with his mother, was weirding him out. Evidently this was written all over his face, because his mother was laughing softly.

“Is this getting a little strange?”
“Yeah, it really is,” he admitted with a sheepish smile.

“Okay, we can leave it be if you prefer, but just tell me, do you want to fix things with…?”

“Kieran,” he supplied quietly, flushing—yet again, goddammit— at actually saying his name out loud to his mother. “And yes, I think so,” he said with a hint of surprise. Surprise that was immediately followed by anxiety at the very real and valid thought of what he wanted now being irrelevant.

She smiled gently. “Then if he’s as nice as you say, he’ll understand if you just explain to him why you acted the way you did.” His brow puckered in thought as he frowned. “I don’t know.”

She squeezed his arm and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “Just think about it, then, and if you ever need to talk to me about it again— no matter how awkward—just know that you
can
.”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

 

She smiled, stood, and then pulled off her one remaining rubber glove as she surveyed the kitchen. Drew followed her gaze. “Do you still want me to go get your Pledge?”

She let out a heavy sigh. “No. I think it’s out of my system.” She reached behind to untie her apron. “Tell you what, how about we use that money to order a pizza for supper?”

He smiled. “Sounds good to me.”

K
IERANthought he’d have to sneak out of the house quietly this morning so his dad wouldn’t notice, but that hadn’t been the case. Rather than feeling relieved, he was instead upset that his father wasn’t attempting to make stilted, awkward conversation with him. Where he wanted to feel angry and hold on to his resentment, his insides felt shaky, and he was worried about his father actually not caring about him anymore.

It bothered him all morning, through first and second period. It bothered him so much that he’d barely thought of Drew or Toby at all, despite the shiner he was sporting. He had no doubt that it’d drawn him some attention, but for once, he didn’t care. Hell, maybe it would work in his favor and encourage others to leave him the fuck alone, because at that moment, that was all he really wanted. He wanted to throw in the towel and be left alone.

He struggled to pull his notebook out of his backpack, which was settled between his feet. With a muttered curse, he knelt down to unzip the pack properly and yanked out the notebook. When he stood back up, his locker door—with a squeaky hinge that pissed him off every time he opened it—had swung partially closed. The corner of the door glanced off his temple and he quickly ducked back down with a hiss, lifting a hand to touch the sore spot.

“For fuck
sake
.” He hissed, prodding his temple softly to check he wasn’t bleeding.

 

“Are you okay?” came a hesitant question from beside him.

He looked up and nearly groaned, seeing Toby there with his hands deep in his pockets and looking uneasy. He stood, taking care to not hit his head again, and tried his best to act uncaring as he swapped books over in his locker. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, I just wanted to—holy
shit
, your eye!”

Kieran instinctively pulled away with an annoyed frown when Toby stepped closer, dipping his head to get a better look at his black eye. “I’m fine,” Kieran snapped.

“You have a black eye,” he said numbly. “Shit, I gave you a black eye.”

“Your elbow gave me a black eye, and it was an accident.” “I’m so sorry.”

He really didn’t give a shit if Toby was sorry. He was already giving Toby an out, but he just stood there, continuing to stare. “I said it was fine. It was an accident.”

“But… but I was still a total dick to you.”

“Yep. You were.” He hadn’t forgotten Toby’s harsh words, not at all. In fact, he’d rather have two black eyes than have to think about that conversation again.

“I guess… I guess there’s no real way to be friends after this.” Kieran slammed his locker door closed and shot him an
are you fucking kidding me
look.

 

“Would you just… I don’t know, give me a minute to apologize properly? Then you won’t have to talk to me again.”

 

Kieran sighed, turned to lean against his locker, and despite his better judgment, nodded his head. “You have one minute.”

D
REW spied Matt in the courtyard talking to one of their teammates, Garrison, and waited until Garrison took off before approaching Matt. He knew the second Matt spotted him because Matt’s back went straight and he crossed his arms over his chest. Never one to shy away, Matt watched him approach, resettling his duffle bag over one shoulder. Drew knew he was in trouble; he’d been a shitty friend, he hadn’t been able to face him, and he’d avoided all text messages and phone calls. Matt probably wouldn’t want to talk now, but Drew wanted to at least apologize, and if possible, begin to explain.

“Long time no see,” Matt said without a smile.
“Hey.” He was more than a little sheepish. “How’s things?”

Matt shrugged. “I’m alright, but don’t worry, I know better than to ask you that question.”

“Matt, I’m sorry I’ve been MIA, alright?”
Matt shrugged. “Whatever. I’ve got somewhere to be. See ya.”

Drew sighed and grabbed Matt’s arm, stopping him from taking off. “Okay, okay. I’m an asshole. Better?”

Matt squinted, head tilted. “You’re getting there.”
“I’m a douche bag?”
Matt nodded. “
Yes
. And…?”

Drew felt a small smile lift the corner of his mouth despite himself. “I’m sorry.” He ticked off on his fingers. “I’m an asshole, I’m a douche bag,
and
I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

“No truer words have ever been spoken.”
“Are you going to forgive me and start talking to me again?”

“I guess, though if you’ll remember, I wasn’t the one who stopped talking.”

 

Drew ducked his head, nodding. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly, and looked up to meet his friend’s eyes when Matt stepped closer. “Look, you’ve got some shit going on in your life right now, yeah?”

 

He nodded. “Yes.”

 

“And some of it you’re… you’re clearly not ready to talk to me about, right?”

Drew swallowed and looked away.
“But you know that you can, if you need to, understand?” Drew took a deep breath and nodded again. “I know. I’m sorry.” “Alright. Stop apologizing, it’s weird.”

Drew laughed quietly, lifting one shoulder. “Can’t help it. I feel kind of like shit.”

Matt looked at him, pressed his lips tight together as if undecided on what he wanted to say next, and then spoke in a quiet voice. “I’m guessing this is Kieran-related?”

Drew looked up to meet Matt’s gaze and then just as quickly looked away. For some reason he couldn’t do it. Matt was his closest friend, but for whatever bullshit, cowardly reason, he couldn’t just nod or admit to what was really going on.

He told his mom, yes. But it was different with Matt. It was a different relationship, and he’d hazard a guess that he would feel differing, conflicting feelings when broaching the subject of being gay with anyone he was close to, depending on his relationship with them.

His mother was something else. She was his flesh and blood and he’d worried about disappointing her, about laying more on her shoulders than she could handle, but she’d been great. Matt was his best friend; there were no blood ties, but he was as good as a brother. While his mother was the person who perhaps had the closest relationship with him because she’d seen him grow and change, Matt was his equal, his partner in crime. He wanted acceptance from Matt so badly and thought perhaps he’d get it, if he’d only man up and talk to him, but just the idea of Matt looking at him differently was enough for him to shy away from it.

Oblivious to Drew’s inner ramblings and insecurities, Matt continued. “Does your feeling shitty have anything to do with that fucked-up party a month ago, or the black eye he’s walking around with now?”

Drew swallowed hard, his skin prickling and nerves twisting in his stomach at the mention of that dumb fucking party. Unable to give an honest answer just yet, he attempted to form some sort of regretful lie when Matt’s words actually penetrated. “What? A black eye?”

“Yeah, saw him earlier today; he’s got a hell of a shiner.” Matt watched him carefully. “You’ve got nothing to do with it?” Drew’s head snapped back. “‘To do with it’?” he repeated. “The hell does that mean?”

Matt’s shoulders fell, and Drew wasn’t sure, but he looked relieved. “Sorry, just… the last I saw you talk to him… well, you were kind of a dick.”

“I’d never hit Kieran!” If he could take back the outraged snap in his tone of voice, he would have. Matt was watching him closely again, and there was a distinct feeling of awkwardness between them.

“Okay,” Matt said. “Glad to hear it, but you don’t know anything about it?”

 

“No. I don’t.” He was seeing red. He could feel anger as he’d never truly felt before building up in him. “I, um… I have to go.” Matt frowned. “What, why? Where are you going?”

 

“I just—” he snapped, closed his eyes, and then started again in a calmer voice. “I have to go do something.”

 

Matt’s hands flew out to his sides. “Well, see ya, then. I guess we’ll catch up in another few weeks.”

Drew was already walking away. He’d apologize later,
again
. But right now he had to find Kieran and find out what the fuck was going on.

K
IERANwas well and truly running out of patience. He didn’t doubt Toby’s sincerity, because he did genuinely look and sound remorseful, problem was Kieran didn’t really care. He was done. He was running on empty.

“I’ve always thought that-that you and I were kind of the same, like we could be good friends or something.”

 

“I don’t think so, Toby,” he said quietly.

Toby nodded. “I get that it’s not going to happen
now
, but I still need to apologize for pushing. You’re cool and everything, but I don’t really know why I tried to make it into something more than just hanging out.” He shrugged. “I guess I was just bummed or lonely, and I could tell you were too—”

“Toby,” he sort of groaned. He’d kept his eyes trained on the floor this entire time, but looked up at Toby, and then past him when he saw Drew approach, looking right
at
them. “Uh….”

“Look, I’ll walk away and leave you alone, but I just needed to apologize for last night.
All
of it, not just the black eye.”

Kieran was only half listening, but saw the moment Drew heard Toby’s words. Drew’s steps faltered, he stopped, and then a look of stunned fury passed over his usually handsome face as he reached for Toby’s shoulders, took the guy completely by surprise, and then yanked him backward and slammed him up against the lockers.

Kieran winced at the loud clatter Toby’s body made against the lockers, and he could only watch, eyes wide as Drew began to snarl into Toby’s face, not even an inch apart. Toby’s eyes were wide and his hands were on Drew’s wrists, trying to make him loosen his grip. It took a few seconds, but Kieran moved—ignoring the stares of the few who’d been passing and were now standing still, watching—and tried to pull Drew back. Drew had never looked so big to him before.

“You hit him?” Drew snarled.
“I-I—” Toby stuttered.
“Drew, let
go
of him!” Kieran hissed, pulling at his arm.

Drew pulled Toby forward and then slammed him back against the lockers again. “Did it make you feel good hitting someone weaker than you?
Huh
?”

Affronted, Kieran yanked at Drew’s arm, managing to pull him off of Toby, and pushed him back a step. “Hey!” He growled. “I am not
weaker
than anyone!”

Drew managed to look contrite. “No, no you’re not. But he is bigger than you.” He looked back at Toby, who was pulling his T-shirt straight. “In fact, you’re a damn sight closer to my size than his, wouldn’t you say?”

Toby’s hands went up, palms forward. “Hey, hey look… it-it was an accident.”