Kieran & Drew (19 page)

Earlier he’d been eager to make amends, and then keen for a confrontation. Now he just wanted to walk away. He wanted something familiar and comforting. He looked at Drew. That was what he wanted. He’d wanted it all along.

His dad sighed behind him, but Kieran slipped into the combat boots he kept near the front door and pulled a jacket off a coat hook, ready to go.

“Kieran, I’d rather talk now.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Drew said. “You’re busy….” He took a step backward, clearly reluctant to leave.

Kieran shook his head. “No, it’s okay,” he said to Drew. And then to his dad, “I’ll come by the restaurant tomorrow.” He lied. He wouldn’t go, and his dad wouldn’t remember.

His father sighed again. “Kieran… fine. Fine, be back by eleven.” “It’s Friday, weekend tomorrow.”

“Alright, be in no later than eleven thirty. And we
will
talk,” he said pointedly. “Tomorrow.”

Kieran nodded. “Tomorrow,” he agreed, knowing no such conversation would take place. He glanced at Drew, who took the cue and stepped back so Kieran could step onto the porch and give a brief, halfhearted wave at his dad before closing the door.

Having escaped the conversation he didn’t relish having with his father and now alone with Drew, he was suddenly assaulted with nerves and uncertainty. Why was Drew here?

“Why are you here?”

Drew’s already tentative smile quavered slightly, but he was nodding, and Kieran was at least glad to see that Drew wasn’t going to play dumb and would at least acknowledge the peculiarity of his presence at Kieran’s home.

“We didn’t so much as talk as yell, earlier today.”

“To be fair, I’m pretty sure it was me doing the yelling,” Kieran conceded as he pulled his jacket on. “You don’t think we said everything that needed to be said?”

Drew nodded up the drive toward where he was parked, and they walked toward the rusty Buick sat at the sidewalk. “Are you telling me you’re happy to leave things with us as they are?” he asked softly.

Kieran swallowed. “No, I’m not. But you gave me the impression there wasn’t an ‘us’, remember?”

They came to a stop beside the driver’s side door, and Drew toyed with his car keys. He nodded to himself, and then glanced up at Kieran, looking him square in the eye. “I got scared. I got scared, and I let it make a coward out of me. But….” His gaze went from intense to almost… pleading? “But you were my first boyfriend, my first anything. I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I just want the chance for you to get to know me better, and to know that I’m better than that.”

Kieran was stuck on one word. “Boyfriend?” he whispered.

Drew’s cheeks flooded with heat and he ducked his head in an uneasy way that was completely disarming. “You were really important to me; I just didn’t show you that.”

“Well,” Kieran murmured, feeling shaky and nervous. “We kind of just….” He tried a hesitant smile. “Just jumped into the physical stuff, I guess. We didn’t really get to know each other. Properly, I mean.”

Drew lifted one shoulder, looking hopeful. “There’s nothing stopping us from getting to know each other now, is there?”

Kieran swallowed. Nothing to stop them? No. There was only the fact that they were both still relatively inexperienced in the scheme of things, leaving plenty of space for further blunders and, more to the point, plenty of opportunities to get hurt again. Not to mention Kieran’s absolute determination to leave Keys in a few months without looking back.

But he looked at Drew. He looked at the first person who, in a long time, had been kind to him, had sought out his company, and who actually on some level
got
him. He missed the physical stuff, sure, but he missed the butterflies too. He missed the beginnings of a friendship and time spent in the company of someone who was, to a degree, like him.

Drew seemed to panic slightly at Kieran’s lack of response, wet his lips, took a step closer, and lowered his voice. “Let’s just… let’s just hang out, maybe? It doesn’t have to be anything else.”

For some reason Kieran found his gaze focused on Drew’s shoes. He was wearing a newish pair of Converse that Kieran hadn’t seen before. He looked upward. Drew wore a pair of khakis, pressed and clean. A button-down shirt and his team’s jacket. His hair had gel in it, and he smelled good. He felt the beginnings of a smile and quickly smothered it. He looked at the car. It was a Buick that had to be nearly as old as he was. It was hard to tell if it was red or a dark orange because of the amount of rust, but it struck him as odd that Drew would be driving when he knew Drew usually walked everywhere. It certainly wasn’t as flashy as Toby’s red car with the bum door handle, but for some reason that was reassuring.

“Kieran?” Drew asked. “I’m just trying to be a friend. I mean I’ll always kind of be hot for you,” he said with a nervous smile. “But if you don’t want that, then we can just be friends, right?”
Kieran bit his lip, looking up at Drew. He felt his insides soften.

Drew’s throat worked as he swallowed. “If you just want to hang out or… whatever, then let’s go, let’s get in the car. But if you just want me to leave, it’s okay, I won’t bother you again.”

He thought perhaps he should think about that, but he was sick of thinking everything through and overanalyzing every little thing. He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, or more to the point, what was good for him, but despite the past few weeks of feeling worthless and thoroughly upset, right there and then, there was no hesitation. He got in the car.

T
HE feeling of relief when Kieran opened the passenger door and got into the car was quickly replaced by flat-out panic. Kieran was in his car. Conversation was a struggle at first and spattered with awkward pauses, but by the time they made it to Subway, they’d managed to fall into an easy banter that Drew had missed.

They had a table at the back which awarded them some privacy, but to any onlooker, Drew would think they’d seem to be nothing but two friends getting their grub on. He knew Kieran wasn’t totally chilled yet, but he expected that. The company alone was enough for him.

“I’ll pay you back next time I see you,” Kieran said with a shy smile as he unwrapped his meatball sub.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s cool.” He’d wanted to pay anyway, not to make amends, but because he wanted to. So when Kieran had patted his back pocket, blushing when realizing he’d left his wallet at home, Drew was only too happy to foot the bill. “Actually, I’m kind of thirsty, you want a soda?”

“Uh, no thanks, I’m fine.” Which clearly meant
yes, but I don’t want to impose.

So of course he brought two sodas back with him. He slid back into his seat, setting a can in front of Kieran without a word, and went straight for his sandwich, missing the warm smile offered to him. “So, go back to this job interview….” He made a rewind motion with his finger as he chewed.

Kieran groaned, swallowed his mouthful, and set his sub down back in its open wrapper. “Okay, so my dad’s always wanted me to help out at the restaurant, and I’ve always said no.”

Drew frowned. That sounded kind of cool to him. “How come?”

Kieran sighed. “I guess because that restaurant is his whole life and it kind of pisses me off. I know how childish that sounds but….” He shrugged. “It’s just complicated. Anyway, he comes out and tells me that he’d like me to get a little work experience
somewhere
, just on the weekends, so he sets this interview up with a friend….”

“Where at?” Drew asked before taking another big bite. “The hardware store on Jameson Street. My dad’s pals with Mr. O’Brien, the owner.”

 

“Okay, so, how did you—in your own words—‘pown’ your dad?”

 

Kieran hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek. “You know, when I say this stuff out loud, I sound dumb. Dumb and spoiled.”

“What happened?” he asked and took a gulp of his soda. “I wore a tuxedo.”

Drew snorted soda and began to cough. Kieran reluctantly laughed.

 

“You wore a tuxedo to a job interview at a hardware store?” Drew asked when his snort-giggling was under control.

 

“I can’t really take credit; I saw it in a movie. Thought it was funny as hell.”

 

“Where did you even get a tuxedo?”

 

“It was my dad’s; I rolled up the pants and sleeves and then stapled the hems.”

 

He rested his elbows on the table and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as he chuckled. “Oh my God, Kieran.”

“I thought it was funny back then. Seems kind of stupid now.” “Why’d you do it?”

“To screw up the interview. I didn’t like that he just set it up without mentioning it to me. Like I’m
special
,” he said with air quotes, “and can’t do that stuff on my own.”

“Are you sure you just didn’t want to work in a hardware store?” “There’s that too.”

“It’s going to happen eventually, you know. You might as well get the experience while you can.”

Kieran nodded. “I know. I got myself a job a few weeks later.” “What did you do?”

“I worked at Walgreens for a while, but then the SATs came along and my dad—ironically—told me to quit so I could study more.” “Sounds familiar, though I’d take Walgreens over McDonald’s any day.”

 

Kieran hissed. “Ouch.”

 

“Tell me about it. I would not have turned down a job at your dad’s restaurant, put it that way.”

 

“You don’t know my dad.”

 

“He seemed cool,” Drew offered, focusing on his sub for a moment, growing quiet. “I mean, seems like he cares about you.” “Appearances are deceptive, trust me,” Kieran mumbled.

Drew let it go; he didn’t know enough about Kieran’s home life to judge, and to pry would only invite questions about his own dad that he wasn’t prepared to answer.

“Did you quit too when exam time came around?”

 

“I did, but it was mainly because my uncle got shipped out and I didn’t want to leave my mom alone at home so much.”

“He’s a marine, right?”
“Yep. He’s overseas right now, doing his thing.”
“Do you miss him?” Kieran asked softly.
Drew looked at Kieran, nodded, and then went back to his sub.

A comfortable silence settled between them for a few minutes. When Drew finished his sub, he crumpled up the wrapper and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You want to make a move?”

Kieran, who had been slowly turning his soda can around in his hands, looked up and blinked in surprise. “Uh, yeah sure. Are you taking off?”

“What? No. I thought….” He cleared his throat. “I thought you might like to see the new
Avengers
movie? We should head off if we want to catch the eight o’clock showing. It’s a comic book kind of movie, right? That’s your kind of thing, isn’t it?”

“Oh! Uh, yeah, I want see it. But, well, I don’t have any cash, so….” He rose when Drew did to get rid of his trash, and then stood there somewhat awkwardly, hands in pockets and rocking from heel to toe.

“That’s okay, I got it.” Drew lifted his chin toward the front doors and began to walk that way.

Kieran followed, taking two quick steps to catch up outside and then lightly touching Drew’s arm when he reached for the car door. “Wait, uh, you’ve ‘got it’?”

Drew shrugged, trying to play casual. “Yeah, is that a problem?” Kieran stared at him for a moment, still mildly confused. “Okay then, I’ll pay you back.”

“How about this one just be on me and you get the tickets next time?” Without waiting for an answer, he opened the car door and sat, but didn’t close the door straight away. Instead he looked back at Kieran and smiled. “You need to get in the car, though,” he said playfully.

Waking up, Kieran rounded the car to the other side and let himself in. He watched Drew start the engine and pull away from the curb. “You look good.”

Drew shot him a quick look and then peered back out the windshield. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. “Thanks.” “I mean you look kind of
dressed up
good.”

 

“Oh, well….” He kept his eyes on the road but lifted one shoulder, all casual-like. “Just-just what I had clean.”

 

Kieran turned to look out the passenger window. He could see his own smile reflecting back at him. “You’re still you,” he said quietly. “What do you mean?”

 

Kieran shook his head. “Nothing.”

I
T HAD been oddly sweet, standing aside and waiting for Drew to buy their tickets, his smile shy as he handed Kieran his ticket, the way he’d stuttered when asking if he wanted popcorn. It had been fun, slouched down in their seats, whispering to each other about which trailers looked good and which ones looked like crap. And it was comfortable, sitting now in Drew’s car, which was idling against the curb a little way away from his house, laughing quietly and shooting each other nervous glances as they both attempted to prolong saying goodnight.

Kieran leaned forward in his seat to look upward out the windshield. “Look.” He lifted his chin. “It’s so clear out tonight.”

Drew turned the ignition off, unbuckled, and with one hand on the steering wheel, dipped his head to take a look. “Wow, yeah, look at it. Pretty.”

“That’s one thing I’ll miss if I leave Keys, I suppose; clear nights like this, the smell of the sea….”

 

“You’re always complaining that Keys smells like fish.” Drew laughed.

 

“Well, yes.” He grinned. “But sometimes you can just smell the water.”

“So you’re definitely going?”
He was quiet a moment. “I think so. You?”
“Community college. I’m still going to be a fireman.” Kieran smiled. “And I still think that’s cool.”

“Hmm.” Drew tapped his thumb against the steering wheel. “I don’t want to think about it just now.”

Kieran nodded, and silence stretched out between them. He looked at the dash—it was eleven twenty. He knew he needed to get going, but for the moment he just did not want to move. He was happy, sitting in the dark with Drew.

“I told my mom I’m gay.”

 

Kieran snapped his head to the side to look at him. “You—? Holy
crap
. Are you okay?”

 

Drew nodded. “Yeah, I’m….” He sounded almost mystified as he spoke. “I’m fine, actually.”

 

“But, but your mom….”

“She wasn’t expecting it.” He nodded, following Kieran’s trail of thought. “But she’s okay with it.” His brow puckered. “Actually, I think she’s happy that I told her. She saw that I needed her and she….” He shook his head, searching for the word. “She regrouped, she gathered herself. I think she remembered what it was like to feel needed.” He looked at Kieran; it was dark in the car with only a fine, silvery light peeking through. “I feel bad that she’d forgotten what that feels like.”