Letting You Know (41 page)

“
You
think he would try and hurt you?” Deacon asked, looking
concerned.

Is
he wondering if Owen would come after us again someday?

My
tall friend stretched his arms up, grunting. “Man, I have no
idea. But he was a tight bundle of nerves the days before he went out
to California. Guy sold everything he had, apparently stole from his
dad, just to get out there and find you, Leah. He's unpredictable.”

Trembling,
I hugged my knees even harder. Beside me, I felt Deacon's hand on my
shoulder.

I
wished it brought me more comfort, but I was struggling with the
heavy weight of wishing I could forget the incident with Nicholas.

“
Let's
talk about something more pleasant,” Colby said, shoving some
forced cheer into his tone. “I hear your first gallery did
really well?”

The
back and forth of small talk went on for some time. Deacon ended up
carrying most of the conversation; my head was in a war zone.

Finally,
Colby looked at his watch, then peeked out of one of the window
blinds. “Oh, shit. It's getting really late. Don't you guys
need to hit the road?”

“
We
do,” Deacon said, slightly panicked. “What time is it? I
was hoping we'd get going before now, trying to avoid that storm.”

“
Good
luck with that,” Colby muttered, shutting the shades with a
grimace. “It looks like it really wants to start coming down.
Angry clouds, for sure.” Turning, he reached out for me.

Automatically,
I stood, my body stiff and sore. Our embrace was solid, it made me
feel more limber. Part of me wanted to never let go.

“
Colby,
will you stay in touch?” I asked quietly.

Blinking,
he held me away with a frown. “Of course I will! You have a
phone again, I'll call you constantly, until you hate it.”

My
smile was fragile, but it was still a smile.

Stepping
back, I watched Deacon and him shake hands. “It was good
meeting you, finally,” my boyfriend said.

Colby
nodded, grinning crookedly. “Yeah, she's talked about you a
lot, but the good news is you live up to all the hype.”

Together
they chuckled. I heard myself join in, yet in my own ears, the humor
felt stale. It was hard to let any joy inside my head, when it was
already stuffed to the brim with a million fears I'd been trying to
make sense of for too long.

What
will I do...

What
will I do if Deacon becomes like Owen?

Walking
down those stairs, leaving that apartment behind for the second time
in my life, I was worried about finding an answer.

The
white flakes began their descent a few hours after we hit the
highway.

“
Dammit,”
Deacon growled, staring up into the black sky. “I hope this is
as bad as it gets.”

I
didn't respond, my eyes looked out at the world but saw very little
of it. Everything Colby had said was pounding inside my skull.

You
should never have ended up with someone like that, Leah. No one
should have to be so close to someone who would have the god damn
audacity to harm another person. No matter who they are, or why.

Turning
my head just enough to glimpse the hard shape of Deacon's jaw, I
worked to make sense of the thick cloud in my brain. It hurt, it made
everything sticky and swollen.

Colby
is right, I shouldn't make the same mistake. I told myself before, I
wouldn't. Not again.

But
this isn't the same mistake.

It
can't be.

Gingerly,
I prodded at my memories, calling up things I had wished to never
think about again. In the beginning, Owen had never seemed like
someone who would hurt me.

Clearly,
I had been wrong.

He
was mean, though, and Deacon is never mean. But... Deacon can have a
temper...

And
he hurt his brother. I can't pretend that didn't happen.

Hurt
him, and lied to me about it.

Deacon
blinked, catching me staring at him. “Hey, what's up?”

“
Nothing,”
I said quickly, pressing my temple to the icy glass. The vibration of
the car rumbled through my bones.

Am
I being naive?

The
roads looked empty, shiny wet onyx that began to become frosted with
the sticking snow. Deacon had the wipers on as fast as they could go,
working overtime to keep up with the billows of white. They sounded
like huge beetle wings, flapping over and over.

“
This
is getting pretty bad,” he whispered.

“
Mn,”
I said absently.

“
Hey,
Leah, what's up?” His eyes, hard green and gold, flicked onto
me. Trying to read my expression, while also keeping us safe, they
hurried to return to the road.

Shaking
my head, I brushed my hair behind my ears. “I don't want to
talk about it.”

“
But
there
is
something
to talk about?”

“
I—I
don't know. Yes. Maybe.”

“
Leah,”
he implored me, “please talk to me, just tell me what's wrong.”

Squeezing
my hands together, I pushed against the passenger window, like I
might be able to warp through it. “I don't know how to.”

“
So,
you don't
want
to, or you don't know
how?
”

“
Both!”
I shouted, having trouble focusing in my anxiousness. “Both,
Deacon. I... I'm not sure how to bring any of this up.”

“
Any
of
what
up?” Squeezing the wheel, he turned it a little hard, shaking
the car. “Haven't we been over this before? Didn't you promise
me you'd tell me what was on your mind?”

“
I
promised a lot of things,” I mumbled, rubbing the bridge of my
nose. “I'm awful at promises, but everyone keeps asking me to
make them...”
Even
myself, and I break those just as easily.

“
Wait,
who else have you been making promises to?”

Biting
my lip, I shut my eyes tightly. Bethany's voice rang in my ears.
Don't
break his heart.

The
wind outside pushed at the car, forcefully shoving it around on the
road. Deacon gasped, controlling us, slowing down our speed.

Part
of me knew he was focusing on driving safely in the growing storm.
The rest of me was stuck, fighting to decide how to just broach the
subject of his attack on Nicholas.

Just
ask him, just ask him. Remember what Nicholas said, it wasn't a big
deal. It really... it really has to not be a big deal.

Ask
him!

“
Deacon,”
I whispered, every bit of breath shaking. “Tell me what really
happened that night with your brother.”

His
silence was damning.

“
Did
he tell you? He told you.” It was no longer a question.
“Dammit. Leah, listen, what happened was just... it was just an
accident.”

It
was just an accident.
Owen's
voice, something I never, ever wanted in my head again. The plaintive
way he had tried to defend himself, his actions, to me.

“
No,
no it wasn't. Deacon, don't try and act like you aren't responsible.”

“
I
know I'm responsible!” He shouted, making me jump. His raised
voice, the hard edge that echoed through the car, it set my nerves on
fire.

No
no no no. This isn't happening. This is it, this is just like before.
The
number of times Owen had screamed at me while we were driving...
making it so I couldn't even escape...

Turning,
I stared outside again. Everything felt awful; internally in my
thoughts, and outside with the tension between us.

Deacon
breathed in, then released a long puff of air like a kettle. “Leah,
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to yell. I'm just... what happened was
stupid, and...”

He
made a frustrated sound, then poked at the radio. “Never mind.
Let's just calm down with some music. Bethany has CDs somewhere—ah,”
he said, sliding a case free from the dashboard. “Here,”
he declared, sounding triumphant. “You'll like this.”

The
music trickled through the speakers, the familiar song seeping into
my veins. It was a song that had held a clear meaning to me until
recently.

Rain
Flow. Bethany had the CD in her car. She'd said she didn't even
really like the band, but she... she...

Covering
my face, I shook with the first heavy sob. My body broke down, I
didn't dream of trying to muffle my tears.

“
I—Leah!
Leah, what is it? What happened?”

He
doesn't know, he has no idea. He doesn't get why this hurts.

Everything
I feel for him, it's falling apart. It's such a mess, it's all a god
damn mess.

Beside
me, I sensed him letting go of the wheel, reaching for me as I
quivered. “Leah! Leah, please, talk to me, I—”

Everything
around us shifted, the SUV losing its grip on the road. Wild, bright
lights flooded everything, making me look up in baffled shock.

At
first, I didn't know what was happening. Not until I heard the shrill
honk of a horn, saw the blizzard outside blinding us, tearing at the
walls of the vehicle.

We're
spinning, we're out of control!

A
huge truck moved next to us, seeming to sit still in the night as we
twirled. The front of it faced us, then the side, a row of wheels
that wanted to draw us in. To eat us, chew our car into bits and spit
us back into the night.

The
ice on the road fought with our car, struggled to bring us under the
body of the truck.

Deacon
gripped the wheel, turning it one way, then the next. “Shit!”
He yelled. In the orange flash of the truck's headlights, I caught
the look of real fear on his face. The pale, blatant display of
terror that came from knowing death was mere seconds away.