Letting You Know (42 page)

In
the rear view mirror, I glimpsed my own expression miming his.
We're
going to die. After everything, after causing a fight that was so
pointless, we're going to die.

I'll
never get to tell him, now.

We're
going to die before he knows that I love him.

I'm
so stupid, so...

Deacon
yanked us sideways, rubber screeching as we spun off the road. The
fall was brief, making me momentarily weightless.

Then
everything slammed together, throwing us one way, then the next. It
was like being in a soda can, shaken up and released to the ether.

Oh
no, oh no!

“
Deacon!”
I screamed, realizing we had rolled to a stop. It was dark, there
were no lights around except for the greenish glow of the dashboard
in the car. Through the radio, the low sound of Rain Flow continued
to whimper.

Everything
had happened so fast, the CD track hadn't even finished.

Staring
over, my wide eyes fell on his slumped body. All fear, all
adrenaline, it erased the doubts and insecurities I'd been battling
with.

“
Deacon!”
I screamed again, unbuckling to reach him. Leaning over in the seat,
I saw his forehead was resting on the wheel. His fingers held it in a
death grip, white knuckled.

Crimson,
fresh blood dripped down the side of his face, staining his jacket.
“Deacon! Deacon, oh god, please! Deacon! Can you hear me?”

Gripping
his shirt, I held him, shook him in my terror. Those beautiful eyes,
eyes that had moved my heart and made me smile, made me moan, made me
laugh... Those eyes opened, fluttered, seeing nothing.

“
Please,
please, Deacon,” I sobbed, ignoring the tears that stung me. I
didn't know how hurt he was, but my mind roiled with the most awful
of possibilities. “Deacon, please, don't die!”

Again,
I shook him, and amazingly he seemed to wake slowly from a dream.

His
head turned, fingers loosening on the wheel. There was no focus in
his eyes, but I was sure he was finally seeing me.

Overwhelmed,
I grabbed him harder. The swelling in my chest exploded; my cries
plaintive, hoarse.

Flinching,
he leaned away, grasping for the side of his head. “Ow, dammit,
ow.” His fingers came away with blood, something he seemed
honestly shocked by. “I'm bleeding?”

“
You're
alive!” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around him, pushing him into
the seat. I heard him wince, but I ignored it in my bundle of
emotions. “Oh god, Deacon, you're okay! You're okay!”

“
I...
I think I'm okay, it feels like I just cut my forehead on the wheel.”

He's
not dying, he's fine, we're fine, I... I really thought for a
second...

Hugging
him close, I kissed his cheek, tasting sweat and something like
pennies.
Blood,
he's still bleeding, but...
“Deacon,
Deacon I... I thought you...” Sitting back, I looked into his
baffled, warm eyes. Saw him watching me,
seeing
me.

Finally,
I blurted the words I'd been struggling to hold in until I could be
sure he felt the same way. Words I'd been scared to admit, once
Bethany had confided to me that Deacon had said them to her first.

Things
I had wanted to say since the day we'd held hands in the airport. The
moment I'd felt the warmth buzzing in my core, forcing weakness into
my muscles and flutters to my brain.

“
I
love you, Deacon,” I whispered, not even worrying what his
response might be. “I love you, and I almost—I thought I
wouldn't get to tell you. That you might be dead, and I'd never get a
chance.”

For
a moment, far too long for my comfort, he just watched me. Fingers
coiled around my cheeks, pulling me in for a kiss so hard it hurt. I
felt his teeth, felt his pulse.

I
felt every bit of him, and wanted more.

“
Leah,
I love you too. I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I just... it
never seemed like the right moment, and I didn't—”

I
shut him up, covering his mouth, forcing him against the seat. I
didn't need to hear it again, I felt it in my whole being.

I
believed him completely.

We
stopped when he grunted, the cut on his head enough to distract him.
“I'm bleeding everywhere,” he laughed, touching at his
temple.

“
Sorry,”
I whispered, reaching for the light on the ceiling. “This is
maybe a bad time to be confessing everything, huh?”

“
No,”
he said, watching me intensely. “It's not. Anytime would have
been perfect, I think. Hindsight is funny like that.”

Smiling,
I clicked the light and instantly grimaced. “That's a lot of
blood, I hope it looks worse than it really is.”

“
Bethany
should have a first aid kit in the back seat pocket there.”

Twisting,
I dug around until my fingers connected with the hard corner of the
case. Opening it, I found a collection of tiny packets, a variety of
ointments.

Soon,
I'd washed away the crimson stains on his face with some damp wipes.
“Yeah, it's just a cut.”

Deacon
looked in the mirror, laughing softly. “I hit it in just the
right spot to make one hell of a mess.”

Sticking
a bandage over the wound, I sighed in relief. “We're lucky, you
know.”

“
I
know,” he agreed, looking out the front window. “Did we
go off the road?”

“
It
looks like it, but I can't really tell. All I can see is white.
Should we try to drive forward and see?”

“
I'm
worried about what we can't see the most,” he murmured. “This
will sound awful, but we might be about to miss our flight tomorrow.”

Laughing,
I covered my mouth, trying to control the rather insane mirth.
“Sorry,” I said at his questioning stare, “it's
just that I realized I don't even care. I thought we were about to
die, that I was going to
lose
you, Deacon.” Shrugging, I reached out and touched his forearm.
“Everything else seems so small when compared to that.”

His
mouth tightened, the centers of his wonderful eyes staying calmly on
my own. “I shoved Nicholas down that night, Leah.”

“
I—Deacon,
no, I don't care.”

“
I
hurt him, and I felt like my world was ruined. Like I'd messed up,
forever, become just like...”

“
Deacon,
seriously. It's okay.”

He
gripped my hand, holding it against his arm firmly. “I thought
I was becoming like Owen.”

Gingerly,
I scooted across the seats, until we were pressed even closer
together. The center console dug into my hip; I ignored it. “You're
not like Owen. Not at all. Trust me on that, alright?”

Deacon
pressed his forehead to mine, letting me feel the heat of his skin.
“I'm ashamed I reacted like I did. I was just so upset about
Nicholas and Bethany, I had all this... all this frustration built up
in me over the years... It came out. It shouldn't have,” he
added quickly, looking me dead in the face. “Leah, I swear it
never will. Never again, and never to you, especially. Okay?”

My
heart tightened, overwhelmed by the sheer fierceness of his promise.
“Yes,” I whispered, utterly feeling he meant it.

Smiling,
he pulled me against him, the two of us snuggling against the
steering wheel. “God, Leah, I really do love you. I love you so
much, and it feels amazing to just say it.”

Breathing
in sharply, my cheek nuzzled against his. “I love you, too. And
yeah, it does feel nice. It's a relief, to just be able to admit it.”

Laying
there, holding each other, my mind worked to absorb everything that
had happened. It was all so fast, so crazy...

But
it felt right. Wasn't that all that mattered?

Sitting
up, I glanced over my shoulder, out into the solid canvas of snow.
“We should call someone, so they know where we are.”

“
Except
I'm not exactly sure where we are,” he sighed. “Bethany
is going to be so mad about her car.”

Glancing
over at the radio, hearing the Killer Sons rumbling another song, I
was tempted to ask him about her.
No,
I
thought silently,
it
doesn't matter. I don't care what that song did or didn't mean, to
him or to her.

He
loves me, none of that is important.

It
felt oddly freeing, to not care about something as petty as a song
Deacon had sung with an old high school girlfriend.

It
was easy not to care when I was the one he was holding, now, our
hearts thumping in the frail light of the SUV.

“
Call
Nicholas,” I murmured, reaching out to shut the engine off. The
lights, the radio, it all cut out. “Tell him what happened, and
then we might need to just wait this out until we can see where we
are.”

My
boyfriend nodded, digging out his cellphone.

Together,
we listened to it ring, the silence of the car and our nearness
allowing us to share. It took several tries before he finally
answered.

“
Jesus,
man,” we heard him mumbled, “it's like, two in the
morning. Why are you calling me?”

“
Yeah,
sorry,” Deacon moaned sympathetically. “Listen, we have a
bit of an issue.”

The
sharp awareness in Nicholas's voice was palatable. “What
happened?”

“
Well,
we sort of had an accident.”

“
I—are
you guys okay? Define 'sort of' for me.”

Our
eyes met as we shared a look. “Tell him we're fine,” I
whispered.

“
Is
that Leah?” He asked, causing me to wince. I was sure I had
been quieter than that.

Clearing
my throat, I leaned closer to the phone by Deacon's ear. “Hey,
Nicholas. Listen, the storm is pretty bad right now. We kind of spun
out on some ice.”

“
Shit,”
he growled, something fumbling against the phone. I imagined he was
getting out of his bed, trying to talk at the same time. “Are
you guys really okay? Where are you?”