Love Always, Kate (19 page)

Chapter 20

January 28

Dear Diary,

Funny, t
he conversation I overheard between my dad and Damian really helped me. For almost two weeks, I haven’t had much else on my mind. Thanks to them, today I’ve made a decision about the experimental drug.

Since I’ve decided, everything I see is more vibrant. Even the sunrise this morning seemed more beautiful. All of the colors so magnificently blended together, yet still their own hues and shades.
I imagine the mountains and the beaches, the splendor of the earth, and think, “God made all of this, how much more beautiful heaven must be.” Like sunrise, all the time.

Being in Damian’s arms lately, I can’t describe it, but it’s like my heart is free. I can breathe again. I smell the snow and the ice on the trees differently. He sent me flowers this week, and they, too, smelled sweeter.

Last night, when his hands slipped under my shirt and I felt his fingertips gliding over my back—hmmm—even that felt deeper than it ever has. Then he kissed me. My whole body down to my toes responded. I’m smiling now, thinking about it.

You know, i
t’s weird, but after Damian’s heroin incident, something inside me clicked. Seeing him lying there, pale and wasted, suddenly made me realize how precious life is. You’d think living with cancer all these years I’d have a good grasp on that fact, but seeing someone you love slipping away right in front of you—well, nothing’s more terrifying. Or jarring.

Tonight, at dinner, I’m going to tell my family, Damian included. I’ve made up my mind. It’s all clear to me now.

~*
~

I paced my room, stealing glances at the digital clock on my nightstand. The delicious smells of dinner wafted up the stairs and circled inside my bedroom. Unfortunately, the aroma mixed with my anxiety made me nauseous. All I thought about was Damian and how he’d respond to my news.

The clock flashed six o’clock. He’d fin
ished his shift at the hospital and would be on his way to my house soon.

I threw my head
back, staring at the ceiling as if it wasn’t there. Sitting on my bed, I gazed at the pictures of Damian and me covered in flour during Christmas that I’d stuck to my vanity mirror. Our happy faces made my heart flutter for a second before I fell back on the bed.

I stayed there until the buzz of an engine sounded in the driveway. Automatically, I jumped up and peered out the window. Damian stepped out of his black BMW, still wearing his sky blue scrubs with his backpack slung over a shoulder. So gorgeous.

He shut his door, spun around, and winked at me through the window. His dimples deepened, and his face lit up.

My grin widened
by the second. Oh, how I loved him! Allowing the curtain to fall closed, I stepped back and took a deep breath. After straightening my skirt, I ran down the stairs to meet him at the door.

My mom had already let him in. As he rounded the corner, I flung myself into his arms, kissing him like crazy.

His arms tightened around me. “God, I missed you.”

I pressed closer, not wanting to let go. He kissed me on the sweet spot of my neck, just under my ear, eliciting a soft moan from me.

“I’ll take that as an ‘I missed you, too,’” he hummed in my ear.

My dad fake-coughed behind us. We both turned, and I blushed.

“Hey, Mr. Browdy.” Damian extended his hand.

“Good to see you.” My father shook his hand, nodding. “Dinner in ten minutes, you two.”

Damian winked at me again before heading to the bathroom to change. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa to wait. When he came in, I reached up to him, but instead of falling into me, he took my hand and shook politely.

“Katie, I presume?”

I laughed and yanked as I hard as I could, pulling him into me. Rolling, he scooped me up and buried his lips into my neck.

“Leslie asked about you,” he said when I was securely
enveloped in his embrace. “She wanted to make sure you’re doing all right.”

I played with his fingers, kissing them every so often.

“And Brennan says hi.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Kid looks good. Almost beat me in
Mario Kart
today.”

I glared at him. “Is that what you did all day? Play video games?”

Damian feigned offended. “No! After an hour, his new chemo buddy showed up, and they kicked me out.” He grabbed me in a bear hug.

My mother announced dinner, and my heart sank. I swallowed the lump in my throat
, but another immediately took its place.

Here we go.

Damian offered his hand and helped me up.

“You’re hands are clammy,” he noticed.

“Oh, really?” I shrugged. “Go on, I’ll be just a second.”

I darted for the bathroom. In front of the mirror, my
face looked pale. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

I can do this.

When I joined my family at the dinner table, everyone was laughing and talking, scooping chicken primavera on their plates. I took the seat between my dad and Damian and tried to join the conversation while thinking about what I needed to say when we’d finished the meal.

Through the laughing, the atmosphere was strained. Distracted by my thoughts, at first I thought it was just me. As I glanced around the table, it seemed everyone felt the apprehension. No one ate much, leaving over half of Mom’s well-cooked meal in their serving bowls. My shoulders fell from the weight.

My mother fidgeted with her utensils. Dad studied her, some sort of unspoken communication passing between them. Damian’s hand rested on my thigh. Whenever the conversation died down a little, he squeezed.

I watched the people I loved more than anything in the world. Resting on my father, I breathed a giggle. He had a bit of food caught in his goatee.

I’d always admired the way, after twenty years of marriage, my mother still gazed at him like there was no one else in the room. I wanted that, too.

And Damian. The way his eyes lit up when he saw me always made me shiver…in a good way. No set of arms were more comforting than his.

My dad interrupted my trance. “Well, Katie. What is it that you wanted to tell us?”

My attention shifted from my father, to my mother, and my boyfriend. I cleared my throat and laced my fingers through Damian’s for support.

Three sets of eyes pierced me. I inhaled.

“I, uh, wanted to tell you that I’ve made a decision about the new drug.” Damian’s hand held mine even tighter. My mother stiffened, and Dad gave me a nod of encouragement.

“Whatever you’ve decided, sweetie, we’ll support you,” Dad said, his voice cracking.

I nodded and glanced at Damian.

“It’s okay,” he murmured.

My eyes flashed
to my mother.

“I love you, honey. No matter what you choose to do.” Her tone softened as she spoke.

Bowing my head, I took another breath. I looked up, making sure to lock on each person when I spoke.

I said the words with confidence, holding my head high. “I’ve decided not to do the drug. I’ll wait for a transplant if one becomes available.”

Through the tears, Mom grinned at me. My father’s mouth gaped slightly, his hand on his chin. Loving approval glowed in his brown irises.

Then Damian. It was the angst of his response that had taken me so long to decide. His nostrils flared; his face paled. Fear seemed to pour off him like steam.

Slowly, with his other hand, he caressed my cheek as if my parents weren’t there.

“Katie.” His voice trembled.

“It’s what I want,” I answered quietly. “I’m…”

“Don’t say it. I’m here for you. Always.”

I nodded as he leaned in and kissed me.

~*~

The tension lifted a little as the evening wore on. With my news, Damian’s probation became null and void, and he was allowed to stay even after my parents went to bed.

Cuddled up on the sofa, Damian was unusually quiet. I glided my fingers down his arms
, wanting him to speak first. He hugged me to him and kissed the top of my head. I didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts, so I continued my motions on his skin.

“I don’t want to spend a second away from you,” he finally said.

“Me neither.”

“This is really your decision, huh?”

I rolled onto my stomach, lying on top of his chest. “Do you remember our first conversation? When you asked if I was happy?”

Damian sucked his lower lip between his teeth then let it go. “I was wrong.”

“I lied to you. I realized that I wasn’t happy at the time. But I am now.”

I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him. He didn’t kiss me back.

“Life is short, Damian. I’m not giving up on the hope of a donor. I’ll still take the meds to slow down the progress. But I’m tired. Even with the drug, there are no guarantees. I could still only have a few months.”

“But Kate—”

“Please.” I swallowed, twirling a lock of his hair around my finger. “You told me once that I didn’t know the outcome. Now I do, and I want to live it out.

“We all die, Damian. Before I do, I want to love with all my heart. Give all I have, experience all I can, and leave behind some piece of me that will never be forgotten. I want to enjoy the time I have left. I’m choosing life. Moments. Memories. For you.”

A tear streamed down my face. Damian didn’t hesitate in kissing it away.

“Because I love you,” I whispered.

Damian cupped my face, bringing me down to him. His eyes sparkled amidst the fear. He kissed me with such passion, as if it was the last time he’d ever feel my lips against his. I clung to him, allowing his need to wash through me, his anxiety to be shared. His fingers gripped the back of my shirt, pushing me into him.

When he let go, he buried his face into my neck. I felt
moisture slip from his cheek onto my skin. Slowly, I balled my hands in his hair.

I pulled back
. “I do have some, uh, last wishes for you.”

“Anything.”

I smiled. “Five of them.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“One at a time. When I’m ready to share.”

Damian’s brows furrowed as he tilted his head sideways. “A game?”

“An investment.”

His tongue glided over his lips. “First one?”

“A visit.”

“Hmm. To where?”

Inhaling deeply, I stared at him wondering what he would think. “I want to visit your mother and Liam’s graves.”

Damian’s breath caught. “I haven’t been there since…”

Silence thickened around us.

Finally, he raised
his eyes to mine. “Okay.”

Chapter 21

January 31

Dear Diary

For once, I want to be a regular seventeen-year-old girl. I don’t want to think about cancer or treatments or donors or…yeah. I want my biggest worries to be things like the upcoming history exam I forgot to study for, and why my boyfriend hasn’t asked me to the Valentine’s dance yet, and whether or not the principal and the new music teacher really did it on the sofa in the counselor’s office.

So
I laughed at the look on Damian’s face when I said I had school tomorrow. It was so adorable the way he raised one eyebrow and curled his upper lip. I’m not sure if he understands my reasons.

I also told him he has to go back too, and that I fully expect to see him walk across the podium in May and receive his diploma. He made a cute grunting noise but agreed—eventually.

Mom and Dad are trying to act normal.
“Trying”
being a loose term. In the desk drawer, I found a note Mom wrote listing all of my favorite meals, desserts, and restaurants. Gotta love her, I think that’s her grocery list for the next few months. I wonder what Dad will think about fried chicken gizzards for dinner more than once a year? Sorry, Dad.

Dad allows Damian to stay as long as he wants, which of course means all night. We slept on the living room sofa last night, and when Damian’s cell phone alarm went off, he, Dad, and I ate breakfast together before heading off for work and school.

Ah, life is perfect!

~*~

“How was your day?” Damian asked. He sat beside me at the kitchen table with what he liked to call a snack.

“That sandwich is like two feet tall,” I said, scrunching my nose.

“Wanna bite?”

“I’m not sure how that’s even possible.”

Damian waggled his eyebrows and stuffed the food into his mouth. “Anything’s possible.”

“Apparently.” I took a sip of my protein shake. “School was good. There’s a new girl who got assigned as my new lab partner. She seems nice.”

“
Seems
nice?”

I sighed, resting my chin on a fist. “She sat beside me the whole class, but we worked the lab separately. I’m not sure she even noticed I was there. When I said good-bye after class, she didn’t even look at me.”

Damian’s hand rubbed my back. “They just don’t know what to say.”

“Something is better than nothing.”

“It’s hard to sympathize when you can’t relate.”

I buried my head into my elbow. “That’s the thing! I don’t want their sympathy. I just want to not be invisible.”

Damian’s finger glided over my temple. “I see you. And I’m sure they do, too.”

“I guess I just thought…” I let my sentence trail off.

“Thought what?”

“…thought that after my decision, I’d feel like one of them—
be
one of them.” My eyes met his, and I bit my lip. “I could be normal.”

Damian chuckled. “Normal is overrated. Besides, invisible is totally in this season, I hear.”

I laughed.

“Come on,” he said. “I need help with Trig, so finish that impossibly delicious smoothie.”

I dipped my straw into the pink slush and licked it off. “I thought you said anything is possible?”

He took another large bite out of his sandwich. “Yeah, anything except that atrocity tasting decent.”

~*
~

Damian and I were watching a movie in the living room when my head began to pound. Unbearable pain squeezed in on me from all sides. I dug my head into Damian’s shirt and cried out.

“I’ve got you,” Damian whispered as he carried me to my room.

A set of footsteps followed, their heaviness reminded me of my dad. I glimpsed the sky outside the window and realized it was already dark. Carefully, Damian laid me in my bed. My hands shook as I tried to pull the blankets up over me.

“I’ve got it, Katie,” Damian said. “Go to sleep. I’ll be right here.”

I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the comforter surround me.

A
chair slid up next to my bed. The bed sank a little as Damian rested his head on his fist. The bed sank even lower at the end.

“She’ll have more of these days.” Dad’s gentle voice sounded soothing.

“I don’t want to lose her, Mr. Browdy.”

“
Call me Jason.”

“How do you do it? Remain so calm?”

My dad sighed. “Practice, I guess. When she was in kindergarten, she fell off the monkey bars. Instead of having the school call Marcy, Kate wanted me. She’ll always be my little girl. I never thought I’d lose her to leukemia.” He paused. “Now with you, I’m happy I haven’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I knew someday my Katie would find a man who loves her as much I do.
That’s
how I always imagined I’d lose her.” My dad’s voice cracked. Then the bed lightened.

I opened one lid to see my father pat Damian on the shoulder.

“Take good care of her, son.”

Damian glanced
at him. “I will, sir.”

Dad nodded then closed the door behind him.

~*
~

When I woke up around noon the next day, Damian was gone. I tried to sit up, but my head felt like it had welded itself to the mattress. Grabbing hold of the side of the bed, I forced myself up. Damian’s clothes from the day before lay in a pile on my bedroom floor.

My vision blurred, and I fumbled for my blanket, collapsing back on the pillow. As my
eyelids closed, I imagined Damian beside me.

~*~

Damian crawled into bed next to me, waking me up. Feeling his arms fold around me, I moaned softly. He felt so right cuddled up behind me.

“Hey
, beautiful,” he said, kissing my neck.

“Where’d you go?”

He chuckled. “School, as per your request. Then home to pick up some stuff.”

“Hmmm,” I murmured. “You smell good.”

Damian held me closer. “How do you feel?”

I thought for a second. “Surprisingly good.”

His lips pressed against mine. “Awesome.”

He swung his legs over the side of my bed. I propped my head up on my elbow and studied him curiously. A large suitcase lay on the floor. Damian set it on my bed and unzipped it.

He winked at me, a dimple suddenly appearing on his cheek. “Care to help?”

I scrunched up my nose in confusion. “What are you doing?”

“Unpacking.”

Sitting up, I crossed my legs on top of the comforter. I opened my mouth to speak, but when nothing came out, I closed it.

What is going on?

He
took out a few pairs of jeans from the suitcase, stacking them in a pile on my bed. Beside those, he dug out some wrinkled t-shirts and attempted to fold them. I cringed as he gave up and rolled them around his arm, dumping them in a clump beside the jeans.

“Hangers in the closet?” he asked, holding a
few pullovers. He nodded toward the tri-fold doors.

Stunned, I fumbled for words. “Uh…
yeah.”

With his
back turned, I scooped up the slew of crumpled tees and folded them properly.

When he got back to the bed, he noticed the perfectly folded pile and laughed.

“OCD,” I mumbled. “Um, so what exactly—”

“Do you have any empty drawers?”

My eyebrows rose. “Uh, girl?” I said, pointing to myself.

“Right.” He sup
pressed a grin. “Can I empty one?”

“Uh…um.” I slid off the bed and made it to my dresser easily. The bottom drawer contained work-out clothes I never wore, so I arranged them nicely in the same drawer as my pajamas.

“Thanks.” Damian smirked, holding his t-shirts and jeans.

When he got close, I stepped in front of the dresser and held my arms out.

“Not until you tell me why you’re moving in.”

The smile
on Damian’s face exposed his dimples. It almost made my heart stop. He dropped his armload on the floor and tucked his arms under mine. Kissing me, he picked me up and fell on top of me on the bed.

His lips worked their way from my mouth to my neck. “I’m all in, Katie. I get to fall asleep every night with you. And wake up every morning to your bad breath
and your beautiful eyes staring back at me.”

I clamped my
hands over my mouth. “Bad breath? Really?”

He sucked my earlobe into his mouth. “Very bad.” He took a hold of my wrists, moving them to my sides, and he kissed me full on the lips.

“I don’t know if my parents—”

“Shhh.” He covered his mouth over mine again, making me forget what I was saying.

“Didn’t you hear what I said? I
get to fall
…”

~*~

Damian became a permanent fixture in our home. He woke up beside me every morning, sometimes early enough to watch the sunrise with me. We brushed our teeth together in the bathroom before heading down to breakfast. Because our schools were too far apart, I had to drive myself, much to Damian’s disappointment.

So far, though, Damian had just held me in bed, careful to not let it go too far. Did he think I’d break if he went further? I gave him some subtle hints, but either he didn’t understand them, or he still didn’t want me like that.

After school, I went home, and three days a week Damian met me there. He’d cut down on volunteering at the hospital to two days—the days Brennan received his treatments. Sometimes I joined him, but I had to wear a medical mask. I played video games and caught up with Leslie and Tammy.

The time spent with Brennan and his new friend always made me laugh. Watching them play and seeing the glow in their eyes
brightened my day.

With Leslie and Tammy, however, I felt different. They tried to hide their sadness behind fake
smiles and cheerful voices. Leslie would reminisce about my initial treatments, then a distant look would cross her face, and she’d suddenly remember something she needed to do for a patient.

Damian took cover-up cues from Leslie when I asked about visiting the cemetery. He did just as well as she did being totally obvious. Two weeks had passed, and he still hadn’t taken any initiative. He seemed to have a bag full of excuses: It’s too cold. I have lots of homework. You were sick yesterday, today you should rest. Maybe after Valentine’s Day.

On February 14
th
, Damian sent me a dozen red roses to school. On the card, he’d scribbled the words ‘
I LOVE YOU
.’ That evening, a limo picked us up and took us to a restaurant downtown. Afterwards, we saw an off-Broadway show.

I was too busy kissing the dimples on Damian’s cheeks to notice where we were until Mr. Dempsey opened the door to let us out. When I stepped onto
the snowy driveway, the Lowells’ house stood before me in all its winter beauty.

I glanced
sideways at Damian. “What are we …”

“You’re staying with me tonight,” he said, unable to contain his grin.

“I…my stuff…I…”

“You think too much. I packed your bag yesterday. It’s already in the house.”

“But
”

Damian cut me off with a tug of the
hand. “Come on.”

His
eyes blazed, much like they had the night of our Christmas date. The fireplace in the den burned, illuminating the make-shift bed on the floor.

“Your bag’s over there.” He nodded to the corner. “I’ll let you get changed.” T
hen he added matter-of-factly, “It’s just us tonight. I’ll be right back.”