Love or Something Like It (9 page)

I kind of feel like I should do a week in review. But I don't have time or really want to. It has been an amazing first week of camp. (I know that's a pathetic summary. Camp is busy!) I definitely made the right decision to come. I'm having so much fun that I haven't really thought about what's going on at home.

I haven't heard from Sophie (or Matt) telling me what's going on.

I'll be completely honest here. I'd like a letter.

Tuesday, June 24, 1:17 p.m.
Mail arrived

I never thought that getting a letter could be worse than not getting one, but it is.

I got a letter today from Sophie, and all she wrote about was hanging out with Gaga and knitting. Seriously? Why she would want to do that, I don't know. But that's not what bothered me. What I thought was weird is that she didn't answer any of the questions I asked her in my letter, like: Have you seen Matt? What's he been doing? Does it seem like he misses me?

She didn't even mention Matt. The only explanation that makes any sense is that she didn't answer any of those questions because she wrote her letter to me before she got mine.

I'm not going to let this bother me.

But I'll feel better when I get her next letter and hear what's going on.

Friday, June 27, 10:02 p.m.
After campfire

Something weird happened tonight after campfire. Brynn and Billy and I always hang out together, but tonight, I couldn't find either one of them. It's like they both disappeared. I asked around, and no one had seen them.

When I got back to my bunk, Brynn was there. “Where'd you go after campfire?” I asked. “I was looking everywhere for you.”

“I went with Ellen to pick up the cabin snacks,” she answered.

But it was weird for two reasons. One, she knows the three of us always hang out after campfire. And two, when she said she went to pick up the snacks, I saw her glance at the table with the milk and cookies on it like she wanted to make sure they were there.

What I'm about to say sounds bad, I know. I have no reason to think she was lying, but something in me didn't believe she'd gone to get the snacks.

Saturday, June 28, 8:45 a.m.
After breakfast

I decided to ask Billy where he was after campfire last night.

“I don't remember,” said Billy when I asked him.

I made a face like it was a ridiculous answer, which we both knew it was because Billy doesn't forget anything. Billy shrugged like it wasn't a big deal and I shouldn't be making it into one. So I let it go. But it bothered me.

Sunday, June 29
A weird thing happened in sailing
Actually it happened after sailing

Today after we'd brought the boats in, Cecily, the head sailing counselor, asked Billy and me if we could help her clean them out. It doesn't sound like that would be fun, but it was. Cecily gave us rags and scrub brushes and squirt soap and buckets and we got really into what Billy called “giving the boats a bath.”

We were cleaning and I was laughing as Billy made dirty boat jokes. When I least expected it, Billy threw a huge bucket of soapy water on me. I had to get him back, which meant we both ended up soaking wet and laughing.

It was great, but it made me realize that it was the first thing Billy and I have done alone together since we got to camp. I mentioned it to Brynn when I got back to the cabin. I told her how much fun it was hanging out with him. “I know we broke up and everything, but I wonder why we're not as close at camp as we used to be.”

“Hmmm,” said Brynn, like that was an answer to my question.

But it wasn't.

Tuesday, July 1, 1:14 p.m.
More mail

I haven't gotten a letter from Matt yet. He told me he's not a letter writer, so I kind of didn't expect to. But I did get another letter from Sophie, and there was no mention of Matt in it! Not a word. I looked on the front of her letter, the back, I even double checked inside the envelope to see if she'd put a special note or something in it. But there was nothing. It's really weird, too, because I've written her at least four letters asking if she's seen him and what he's up to. I wish I could call her and find out what's going on. Campers are only allowed to make emergency phone calls. I know the secretary in the office would say this isn't one.

But I'm beginning to think it is.

Wednesday, July 2, 5:18 p.m.
Bunk beauty day

I canNOT believe what I saw today. It's almost too embarrassing to write about.

We had beauty day in my bunk. Everyone showered, shaved, deep conditioned their hair, and put on seaweed masks. We were all sitting around with our towels wrapped around us and talking while we were waiting for our masks to dry. When Brynn's mask was dry, she took off her towel to get back in the shower, and when she did I saw her boobs.

That makes it sound like I was looking. But I wasn't.

I couldn't help what I saw. Even though we're in the same bunk, it's the first time I've seen them with nothing on them, and I couldn't believe how big they were. I can't be the only who has noticed. I'm sure every boy in camp has too.

And mainly, the boy I'm thinking about is Billy.

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you … I could walk through my garden forever.

—Claudia Adrienne Grandi

Happy
July 4!
Not so happy, actually

The Fourth of July is supposed to be the best day of camp, and for lots of people it was. But today was literally the worst day of my life. I know I've said that before. I don't want to be the girl who cried wolf, but this time I truly mean it.

It started this morning in my bunk when we were getting ready for the all-day celebration at the waterfront. Everyone was putting on bathing suits and flip-flops.

“OMG!” screamed Karina. “Look at that!”

When she screamed, everyone looked to see what she was talking about, and it was Brynn. She had on a red, white, and blue bikini that I didn't even know she had.

“That's. The. Cutest. Suit. Ever.” Talia enunciated each word, which somehow made her statement indisputable.

“You look so good,” said Meg.

Then everyone started talking about what an amazing body Brynn has. I could tell she loved the way she looked too. She didn't even put on a cover-up. “What's the point,” she said to no one in particular as she walked out of the bunk. “I'm going to take it off as soon as I get to the beach.”

Her good mood continued when we arrived. A lot of the boys noticed her right when we got to the waterfront, and Billy was one of them. “Look at you!” he said to Brynn as he walked towards us. He was grinning like he liked what he saw.

Brynn was beaming. Their interchange put me in a non-celebratory mood, which only worsened as the whole camp was divided into three teams. Billy and Brynn were both on the red team. As we spent the morning competing in relays and contests, I couldn't help looking in their direction. Every time I did, they were right next to each other and smiling.

It kind of depressed me to see it.

At lunch, May actually came over to my table and asked if I was OK. “The tacos gave me a stomachache,” she said, like that had to be my problem too.

I wish bad meat was what had me so upset.

All afternoon Billy and Brynn stayed side by side while the teams competed in a sing-off, a cheer-a-thon and tug-of-war. When Director Dan, who has been running the camp for as long as we've all been going there, announced that the red team won, my eyes immediately went to Billy and Brynn. The kids on their team went crazy over their victory, and I saw Billy give Brynn a swooping hug. Her feet came off the ground, and his arms were wrapped tightly around her back. As I watched his hands linger on her back even after he'd put her down, a sense of dread bubbled up inside me.

We came back to the bunk after the nighttime festivities and fireworks, but Brynn was nowhere in sight. When she finally came back to the bunk, I tried not to watch as she huddled with Talia and Karina and talked quietly to both of them. She had the happiest look on her face that I've ever seen. Talia and Karina both hugged her. When they finished hugging, Brynn and I made eye contact. She knew I was watching, and she looked away.

It made me feel sick. Literally. The happy look on Brynn's face plus the fact that she told other people (and not me) what was clearly making her so happy, plus the fact that when she saw me looking at her she looked away, can only add up to one thing.

My best friends are a couple.

Even though no one has told me, I know. And I don't like the way it feels. I guess Brynn used to feel the same way when Billy and I were going out. But this is different. Billy used to be my boyfriend. So it's even weirder. He's with her now.

Part of me can't help but wonder if she's been planning and plotting so that this would happen. That sounds terrible of me to say, but it just makes everything seem so cloudy.

I think back to the day in her room when I confided in her about not seeing or hearing from Matt and how much it upset me. It was like her attitude about him shifted overnight. One minute she couldn't stand him, and the next she totally accepted him. At the time, I thought she was being a good friend and trying to make me feel better. But now I'm wondering if it was part of some grand master plan to make sure I stayed with Matt so she could have Billy all to herself.

I don't know. It honestly makes me doubt all the nice things she's done for me lately. Did she try to plan a party for me and give me an extra-nice gift because she knew this would happen and she didn't want me to be mad if it did?

My head hurts. I just can't believe Billy and Brynn are a couple. The more I think about them as a couple, the more I think about Matt.

At least I have a boyfriend at home. At least I hope I do. I haven't heard from him. Or about him. I want to go home. I really do. I never should have come. And when I do go home, I want things to be just as I left them.

Dear God, Please.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

—Edgar Allen Poe

Saturday, July 5, 11:39 a.m.
Before lunch

It's confirmed. I found out in waterskiing that Brynn and Billy are a couple.

“Can you believe Brynn and Billy are going out?” Stacey Abbot said.

“I think it's cute it happened on the fourth of July,” said Amanda Pascale, another girl in my bunk. They both looked at me like they wanted to see what I thought.

“Brynn and Billy are going out?” I asked.

Stacey and Amanda looked at each other like they'd just said something they shouldn't have. I could tell they assumed I knew. Why wouldn't they? Brynn and I are supposed to be best friends. You would think she'd tell me something like that.

But she didn't. I guess she didn't want to tell me she's going out with my ex. Everyone knows that's something you're NOT supposed to do. But here's something else you're not supposed to do: tell everyone BUT your best friend when you start going out with somebody. How could Brynn not tell me?

Did she think I wasn't going to find out?

Hmmm.

2:15 p.m.
Talked to Brynn

It wasn't like I initiated it. I mean, what was I supposed to say?
Hey, why didn't you tell me you're dating my ex?
But I think Brynn could tell I was pissed because she came over to me at rest hour. “You've been giving me dirty looks ever since waterskiing. What's your problem?” she asked, like I was the one who had done something wrong.

I couldn't believe how defensive she was acting. I didn't bother beating around the bush. “Are you and Billy going out?”

“You know, you're not always the easiest person to talk to,” she said, like that was an answer to my question.

Before I could say anything else, she went off on me. “You act like Billy is still yours, and he's not,” she said.

I could feel myself starting to get mad. “What are you talking about?”

“Like the day when you were helping him clean out the sailboats.”

I had to think for a second, but then it dawned on me what she meant. When I told Brynn how much fun I'd had hanging out with Billy, it made her jealous. But I hadn't done anything wrong. “Cecily asked Billy and me to help her,” I said.

Brynn ignored my answer. “You should be happy for me,” she said. “You already have a boyfriend. Now I have one too.”

I knew that was Brynn's way of saying this conversation was over.

5:40 p.m.

I still can't believe Brynn didn't tell me. But neither did Billy.

6:55 p.m.
Talked to Billy

After dinner, I confronted Billy. I told him I knew about Brynn and him.

“Yep. I was going to tell you,” he said, like talking to me was on his to-do list and he just hadn't gotten to it yet. But Billy seemed uncomfortable.

Or maybe I was just projecting my own discomfort onto him.

Pact breakers. Both of them.

Tuesday, July 8, 10:02 p.m.

It has been four days since Billy and Brynn started going out. Three since I've known about it, and I still can't get over it. My best friends are a couple. Billy is my ex-boyfriend. Everyone in my bunk knows the situation, and they've all asked me if I'm cool with it.

“Of course!” I keep saying like I am. But it's like a tetanus shot. It just hurts for longer than you'd like it to.

Wednesday, July 9, 1:15 p.m.
Post mail pickup

Today makes it officially five days that Billy and Brynn have been going out. It has been really weird. It's not like I ever talk to them about it. It's almost like they both try to avoid me, like I make them uncomfortable.

This morning I was in the craft shop with my bunk and we were tie-dyeing T-shirts. Brynn was at a table with Talia and Karina, and they were all working on their shirts and laughing so I decided to join them.

“I love the shirt you're making,” I said to Brynn. I wanted to at least try to make things seem normal.