Loving Him Without Losing You (2 page)

In addition, unlike
Women Who Love Too Much
and other recovery books from the eighties,
Loving Him without Losing You
does not focus primarily on dysfunctional families and abuse. While there will obviously be some refer- ences to these causes, most of us know this information by now (for those who don’t, I include a Recommended Reading list at the back of this book). I will focus instead on how women can take responsibility for changing their behav- ior and attitudes in the present.

Much has also been written about the psychological effects of inadequate parenting and bonding experiences and the loss or absence of parents, so I will not repeat this work. What I will do is explain why women react to these psychological factors in very different ways from men, primarily by losing themselves in their relationships with men. I will present a continuum describing the full scope of the Disappearing Woman syndrome, along with an explanation of why some women suffer from only a mild or moderate ver- sion of the problem while others suffer from a more extreme version. I will also include recommendations for how women at each point on the continuum can get further help.

More extreme versions of the problem have also been written about, usually only in professional journals and complex textbooks.
Loving Him without Losing You
will explain both the causes and the cures for this per- sonality disorder in language women can understand and relate to.

Understanding a syndrome is one thing, but actually changing it is an entirely different matter. In addition to finally offering definitive answers to questions that have plagued millions of women, this will be the first book to offer effective strategies for change. Women who read
Loving Him without Losing You
will not only learn
why
they are the way they are but also how to go about
changing,
beginning immediately.

This book will teach specific strategies to help you and other women become as strong and as independent in your romantic relationships as you have come to be in other areas of your lives. It also includes suggestions for how you can maintain your sense of self and your individuality so you will attract the kind of man you admire.

How This Book Is Organized

Loving Him without Losing You
is divided into four parts, including a section of appendixes in the back of the book. In part I, “Disappearing Women,” you will learn how and why women lose themselves in relationships; and in so doing, you will gain understanding of and compassion for yourself. You will also discover to what extent your problem has influenced your life and how extreme your problem actually is.

In part II, “How to Maintain Your Sense of Self while Flourishing in a Relationship,” those of you who are single will learn specific strategies to pre- vent you from losing yourself in new relationships, while those who are already in a relationship will learn how to go about making the necessary changes that will enable you to regain your sense of self.

In part III, “Become a Woman of Substance: Developing a Self and a Life That Satisfies You,” we will focus on the more long-term work you will need to do to make deeper changes.

Throughout the book I offer case examples from my many years of work- ing with Disappearing Women. I also include excerpts from interviews I con- ducted for the book with forty-seven women from all economic and educational backgrounds and from a variety of religions and cultures who identify themselves as Disappearing Women. Although my survey is more anecdotal than scientific, in the process of conducting it I gained invaluable information and was privy to thoughts and feelings that women rarely share with others.

In addition to case examples and dramatic personal stories, I pepper the book with examples of famous women who, in spite of their talent and suc- cess, became Disappearing Women in their relationships, including Gloria

Steinem, Frida Kahlo, Claire Bloom, Mia Farrow, and Drew Barrymore. In some cases I follow their relationships from beginning to end, including the steps these women took to discover or regain their sense of self.

About Me

I have dedicated my life to women’s issues. I am a psychotherapist with twenty-four years’ experience, much of it working with women, and am the author of several self-help books for women.

Through the years I have gained tremendous insight and empathy into the plight of Disappearing Women, both from the experience of working with them and from extensive research. Many years ago I began noticing that almost every woman who came into my office suffered from this problem to some degree. I was appalled when I began to notice the number of very young women who were quick to give themselves away to young men and then suffer the consequences.

I bring to this book a great deal of knowledge about many issues, includ- ing object relations, self-esteem and identity issues, human sexuality, child development, and borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. As some- one who specialized for years in working with women who had been sexually, emotionally, or physically abused as children or adults, I have worked with many of those who suffer from more extreme versions of the problem, since personality disorders often go hand in hand with a history of abuse and neglect.

I have always felt a special affinity for women with this problem because I also suffered from it for many years, especially when I was in my twenties. I still remember the confusion, anger, and pain I felt whenever I was in a rela- tionship, and the devastation I felt when a relationship inevitably ended. The fact that I have had many of the same experiences will hopefully help you to feel both connected to me and supported by me.

Many women are on the threshold of deciding whether to “give up on love” or to continue seeking equal relationships with men. Of the forty-seven women I interviewed during the course of writing this book, a majority expressed frustration concerning the level of emotional support and involve- ment they receive from the men they have relationships with. They often asked questions such as, “Why can’t men love more, be more emotionally supportive? Why must it always be women who have to make the changes?”

At the same time they expressed a desire to change and not to allow their emo- tions to rule their lives as much as they have.

In addition, for years women have been in the midst of an important, his- toric debate—should women stop loving “too much,” or should we now expect men to change and become more loving?

What has been referred to as the “feminization of America” in the past three decades has caused harm to both women and men by defining emotional development from a mainly female standard and by holding men to that stan- dard. Men are constantly criticized for not showing their feelings, for not talk- ing about how they feel, for not relating on a more emotional level. Because of this, men have been made to feel inadequate and guilty.

At the same time, the qualities deemed necessary for adulthood, such as the capacity for autonomous thinking, clear decision-making, and responsi- ble action, continue to be those associated with masculinity—whether we like it or not—and are considered undesirable as attributes in women.

In the meantime, in spite of the fact that it is politically incorrect, women give themselves over completely to their emotions when they fall in love, throwing away their careers, their friends, and even their health. And men con- tinue to miss out on the benefits of intimacy and often continue to attempt to dominate and control women.

Clearly, a balance needs to be created. I believe
Loving Him without Los- ing You
can and will help create this balance by giving women another option—not to necessarily be more like men, but to be more their true selves.

P A R T I

D
ISAPPEARING

W
OMEN

7

1

Are You a

Disappearing Woman?

No partner in a love relationship . . . should feel that [she] has to give up an essential part of [herself] to make it viable.

M
AY
S
ARTON

I’m an artist and my work is very important to me. But I’d like to have a relationship with a man, too. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to do both. As soon as I fall in love all my passion and focus go into the relationship. I can’t work. All I do is obsess about the man I’m in love with—wondering whether he loves me, whether he’s with someone else when he’s not with me.

P
RISCILLA
,
AGE TWENTY
-
EIGHT

I feel so ashamed. My friends would be horrified if they knew how desperate and crazy I get when I’m in love. They all see me as a strong, competent, successful woman who can handle any situation put before me. But all that strength and confidence go out the window when I’m in love and I become insecure and dependent, looking desperately to my lover for any small sign of disapproval, any indication that he’s losing interest in me.

L
UCINDA
,
AGE THIRTY
-
FOUR

In an age when women are supposed to be strong, independent, and liberated, it is embarrassing to admit that when it comes to relationships with men we still tend to behave in ways that are far too reminiscent of our mothers and grandmothers. Let’s face it: it’s just not politically correct for women to still be

9

losing themselves in relationships. We’re supposed to have stopped all this foolishness years ago. Today women are expected to maintain a strong, independent, successful life while at the same time be a loving mate to their man.

But the truth is far different from the ideal picture some women wish to paint of their lives.
Women are still losing themselves in relationships as much as they ever were.
Many women have received enough information and sup- port from the codependent movement to help them recognize their reasons for choosing unavailable, abusive, or alcoholic men. And due to public awareness and domestic violence programs fewer women tend to stay in abusive rela- tionships, although the numbers are still alarmingly high. But while many women are now making better choices, many are surprised to find that they are sacrificing themselves for their man as much as they ever were. In fact, some of the women who are choosing more available and more loving men have found they are losing themselves in their relationships even more than before.

How to Determine if You Are a Disappearing Woman

No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up parts of themselves—their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values. They begin to disappear. In time, these women find they have merged their lives with their partners’ to the point where they have no life to go back to when and if the relationship ends. I call these women “Dis- appearing Women.”

While Disappearing Women come in all ages, colors, and sizes and from all cultural, socioeconomic, and financial backgrounds, there are certain char- acteristics they all seem to share.

If you think you might be a Disappearing Woman but are uncertain, the following test will help you decide:

1. Do you tend to fall in love quickly and intensely and often feel as if you are out of control when it comes to the feelings you have for your lover?
   

2. Do you become less focused and therefore less effective on the job or in your career when you become involved with a man?
   

3. Do you tend to spend a great deal of your time daydreaming and fanta- sizing about your relationships?
   

4. Do you spend far more time thinking about the future than dealing with the present? Do you console yourself by telling yourself that things will soon get better instead of facing how bad things are today?
   

5. Do you neglect your friends to be with your lover? Or do you devalue your own friends in favor of your lover’s friends, or drop your friends if your lover disapproves of them?
   

6. Do you drop your own interests and take on the interests of your lover in order to spend more time with him?
   

7. Do you tend to question or devalue your own feelings, opinions, beliefs, and knowledge whenever they differ from your lover’s?
   

8. Do you become extremely depressed or anxious when you are unable to be with your lover for even short periods of time?
   

9. Do you tend to be distrustful, jealous, and possessive of your lover?
   

10. Do you need a great deal of assurance that your lover really cares about you?
    

11. Do you remain insecure in your relationships no matter how long you and your partner have been together?
    

12. Do you tend to feel invalidated, patronized, misunderstood, and unap- preciated by those you are closest to?
    

13. Are you willing to change yourself to please your lover (including chang- ing your physical appearance, buying new clothes, working on changing the way you speak, or trying hard to stop a particular behavior)?
    

14. Will you do practically anything to make the relationship work?
    

15. Are you usually not the one to end a relationship? If you are, is it because you have been forced to face the fact that your partner does not love you?
    

16. Do you feel so devastated when a relationship is over that you don’t think you can survive the pain?
    

17. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts because of a breakup?
    

18. Have you ever entertained homicidal thoughts toward an ex-partner?
    

19. Do you take a much longer period of time to get over a relationship than other people you’ve known, even though you may get into a new one right away?
    

20. Have you ever avoided relationships altogether for a significant amount of time following a breakup because you were so emotionally devas- tated, even though you felt lonely and longed for an intimate relationship?
    

    If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you are a Dis- appearing Woman. While you may try to fool yourself into thinking that things will be different if you could just meet the right man, or if you could just lose
    

    some weight, etc.,
    the truth is you’d be the same no matter what kind of man you were with, or no matter how gorgeous you become; the truth is you have a problem when it comes to maintaining your sense of self in a relationship.
    If you are like most heterosexual women, you want an intimate, loving relationship with a man. You long for a committed relationship in which you can feel free to express your deepest emotions, where it is safe to be your most vulnerable and most loving. You want a relationship in which you can be your-
    

    self, drop the facades and pretense, and be real.
    

    Unfortunately, like many other women, you may have begun to feel that your desires will never be fulfilled. Based on your past, and perhaps present, experiences,
    you have come to believe that being yourself and being in a rela- tionship are mutually exclusive.
    

    Ironically, you may have become afraid of the very thing you long for. Afraid because you realize you have a tendency to lose yourself each time you enter a relationship with a man, to give up important aspects of yourself or your life to please him. Afraid because loving a man has often meant sacri- fice or pain.
    

    You may have come to realize that for you, loving a man brings with it a tremendous risk—that you will once again put your career, your relationship with your friends, or your well-being in jeopardy to be with a man, that you will sacrifice your needs, your values, or your integrity to please and keep a man. Some women have decided that no matter how much they want a relation- ship with a man, it isn’t worth the price they end up paying. They’ve opted to stay alone rather than risk the loss of self they inevitably end up experiencing. Instead, they throw themselves into their careers and dedicate themselves to cultivating meaningful friendships. But most women keep trying, hoping they will find a way to do it right the next time, hoping they will learn how to achieve some sort of balance between loving a man and loving themselves.
    

    If you are one of these women, if you still have even the slightest amount of hope in discovering this balance,
    Loving Him without Losing You
    will help you turn that hope into reality.
    

    It’s important to realize that you are not alone. As you read
    Loving Him without Losing You
    you’ll meet many other women who struggle as you do to maintain their sense of self when in a relationship with a man. Today, millions of women such as yourself are suffering needlessly because they don’t under- stand why they continue to sacrifice their individuality and their very souls when they enter a relationship. Far from feeling like an anomaly, you need to understand that your surprising and often shocking behavior is actually more the norm than the exception.
    

    The next step will be for you to realize that there are valid reasons for
    

    your behavior. Losing yourself in a relationship is not a sign of weakness, stu- pidity, or incompetence on your part, as many women come to feel. By read- ing
    Loving Him without Losing You
    you will discover that women are actually culturally and genetically programmed to be nurturers and pleasers; this pro- gramming causes us to automatically set aside our own needs to take care of the needs of others. You’ll learn that even today our culture encourages women to view the needs of the men in their lives as more important than their own needs. And you’ll learn that women tend to have what are considered “thinner” boundaries that predispose them to have a tendency to lose them- selves in relationships. Finally, you’ll learn that women and men view rela- tionships from different perspectives—men from the point of view of
    separation,
    women from the vantage point of
    connection.
    

    Realizing that your behavior is not your fault—that it is part of your cul- tural and biological legacy—will help free you from the shame and embar- rassment that have continually whittled away at your self-esteem and contributed to your behavior.
    

    And it definitely will help you to know there is a way out. Next, you’ll learn specific strategies that will help you curb your urge to merge, strategies that will help you no matter how extreme your problem is.
    

    Last but not least,
    Loving Him without Losing You
    will help you transform yourself from what I call a Disappearing Woman to a Woman of Substance. It will teach you how to go deep inside and find your true inner voice and to discover the wisdom, integrity, and sense of balance that lie dormant within you.
    

    By discovering your inner wisdom you’ll learn when it is appropriate to give and when it is time for you to receive, when it is appropriate to ask for nurturing and when it is time to retreat and provide nurturing for yourself.
    

    By discovering and developing your integrity you will refuse to stay with a man who doesn’t appreciate and totally accept you the way you are.
    

    By developing a sense of balance you’ll learn that no one is all good or all bad, that there are many shades of gray. You’ll come to understand that a healthy relationship has many ups and downs and is based on give-and-take, intimacy, and autonomy.
    

    Loving Him without Losing You
    will:
    

    • provide strategies to help you avoid getting involved too quickly with a man;
      

    • show you how to stop idealizing the men you are involved with;
      

    • offer suggestions for how you can stay out of fantasy and remain focused on the present;
      

    • offer insight into why you tend to devalue your own opinions and beliefs and offer encouragement and strategies to help you begin to stand up for them;
      

    • encourage you to value solitude and show you how to tolerate it better;
      

    • show you how to develop a more substantial sense of self and create a life that you will be less willing to discard for a man;
      

    • show you how to develop better relationships with the opposite sex, from dating to flourishing in a committed relationship;
      

    • show you how to maintain your sense of self while in an intimate, com- mitted relationship.
      

      Who Will Benefit Most from This Book?
      

      Those of you who’ve had a long history of losing yourself in relationships will probably benefit from this book the most. It will help you discover the reason why you have developed such a pattern and offer you strategies to help you break it once and for all.
      

      This book will also be of particular interest to those who are currently in a relationship in which they have submerged their needs or given over their power or individuality. Some have lost so much of themselves in their rela- tionship that they feel it is impossible to change or to leave the situation, even though they are desperately unhappy. This was my client Beth’s predicament:
      

      I realize I’ve allowed my husband to control our lives. When we married I was young and naive and I’d just left my parents’ house, where my father completely dominated my mother. I ended up marrying a man just like my father and for many years I guess I thought it was normal to not have a say in decision-making, to center my life around my husband’s needs. But as I’ve gotten older [she’s now thirty-nine] I’ve come to real- ize that it isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy. I feel stifled. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe and I just want to run away. But I’m afraid to venture out on my own, and besides, I love my husband. It’s not entirely his fault. After all, I’ve allowed him to control me.
      

      I’m the one who has to change. I’m the one who has to start acting different, and when I do, he actually responds fairly well. I just don’t know if I have the strength and wherewithal to keep it up long enough to change the dynamics in our relationship. It just seems so much eas- ier to give in and maintain the status quo.
      

      This book will also benefit those of you who are so fearful of losing your- self in your relationships with men that it prevents you from experiencing true intimacy. This was the situation with Shawn, age twenty-three, one of the women I interviewed for the book:
      

      This is my first serious relationship. But instead of being happy because I’m in love, I began to feel myself becoming less and less my own self and more and more a part of him. Like I was gradually disappearing, like the Cheshire cat in
      Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
      

      Even though I still love Mark I finally had to break up just to see if I’d feel better alone. We see each other now as friends but whenever he starts talking about getting back together I start to feel smothered. I love him but I just don’t think I know how to have a relationship and be myself at the same time.
      

      Loving Him without Losing You
      will also help those who have experi- enced so much pain because of their tendency to lose themselves in relation- ships that they are afraid to get involved in another one. This was the case with my client Jenny, age twenty-seven:
      

      There’s this man at work who’s very interested in me. We’ve had lunch together a few times and he seems like a really nice guy. But I’m afraid to risk it again. After my last relationship ended I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat—I lost fifteen pounds in two weeks. I became so weak and so distracted I couldn’t do my job and almost got fired. I’m just getting my life back on track and I don’t want to mess it up again by getting involved in another relationship.
      

      No matter what situation you are in, whether you are just beginning to date or have a lifetime of losing yourself in relationships, whether you are married or single, whether you still have hope of changing or feel your situation is hopeless,
      Loving Him without Losing You
      will help you understand your behavior and discover ways to begin changing it immediately.
      

      One of the first steps will be for you to understand exactly
      how
      women lose themselves in relationships. This will be the focus of the next chapter.
      

      2
      

      How Women Lose Themselves in Relationships
      

      T
      HE
      F
      OUR
      T
      RUTHS
      Y
      OU
      

      N
      EED T O
      K
      NO W
      

      At thirty-four, Toni is a successful advertising director for a major firm. By devoting herself to her work she’s been able to come a long way in only four years. However, she’s had to sacrifice her desire for a loving relationship in order to maintain her success.
      

      “You know how people keep telling us that women can have it all? How we can have a career and a family, too? Well, I couldn’t even have a career and a
      boyfriend,
      much less a family.”
      

      Toni went on to explain how each time she’d become involved in a new relationship her career had suffered because she focused all her attention on the relationship. Not only that, but she became so emotionally distraught when she and a boyfriend were having problems that she could barely work at times.
      

      Eventually it got so bad that I lost a job because I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I was constantly on the phone trying to reach my boyfriend or agonizing over an argument we had the night before. I got fired because I wasn’t concentrating and made a major mistake, one that cost the company a lot of money. To make matters worse, my boyfriend was- n’t the slightest bit supportive about my situation. He told me he was tired of hearing me agonize over my lost job. He finally kicked me out of our apartment because I couldn’t pay my share of the rent.
      

      That was the most horrible time in my life. Not only was I devas- tated at the breakup of my relationship but I didn’t even have a job or
      

      16
      

      enough money for the first and last month’s rent required for a new apartment. I was forced to go back home for a while, and I do mean forced, since I’m not close to my parents and they really didn’t want me there. My mother insisted I try to get a new job right away, even though I wasn’t in any condition to be taking job interviews. I vowed then and there that if I ever got another job I wasn’t ever going to risk being put in that situation again.
      

      While Toni’s solution to her problem leaves something to be desired, her predicament is all too common. Many women lose themselves in their rela- tionships with men because they become so preoccupied with their partner and the drama of their relationship that they are unable to focus on the other important aspects in their life—their careers, their own needs, and their personal growth. In this chapter we’ll discuss the various ways in which women lose themselves in relationships and the surprising truths about their situations.
      

      The Ways Women Disappear
      

      For many women the disappearing act begins slowly and subtly. They don’t return their friends’ phone calls because they’re too busy with their new lover; they don’t attend an office mate’s wedding because their lover doesn’t want to go; they stop going out to dinner with their girlfriends because they’re afraid their lover will go out to bars that night and meet someone else.
      

      Some women give up their power right away, allowing the man to deter- mine the pace in which the relationship will develop, while others start out strong but gradually, over time, allow the man to control more and more of their lives.
      

      Others maintain their sense of self until they marry, at which time they give over their identity to their husbands, merging with him to such an extent that they seldom ever think of their own individual needs and desires.
      

      Some Disappearing Women choose men who are controlling or abusive, while others become controlling and abusive themselves in their attempts to hold on to a man.
      

      Some sacrifice their voices and their wills to appease their mates, while others complain so much that their partner stops listening. There are women who feel they are disappearing because their partner doesn’t pay attention to them, and others who feel invisible no matter how much attention they get from their partner.
      

      For many Disappearing Women, relationships are painful because they are constantly fearful of being abandoned or rejected. They are so insecure that their jealousy and possessiveness cause them to become preoccupied with their relationship to the point that they lose all sense of proportion. They can’t enjoy the present because they are so fearful of the future.
      

      For others, relationships are painful because they feel so suffocating. They give up so much of themselves that they often feel relationships are to be endured rather than enjoyed.
      

      Although women lose themselves in many different ways, some patterns emerge. The typical Disappearing Woman tends to lose herself by engaging in some or all of the following behaviors:
      

    • getting involved too quickly;
      

    • not being honest about who she is, what she likes and dislikes, what she wants in a relationship, and what she feels at any given time;
      

    • not maintaining a separate life from her partner;
      

    • letting herself be bought with expensive dinners, vacations, gifts, or promises of wealth;
      

    • trying to change herself to please her partner;
      

    • getting involved in unequal relationships;
      

    • trying to get power/talent/accomplishments/wealth vicariously from her partner;
      

    • not speaking up for what she believes in;
      

    • allowing others, particularly her male partners, to make decisions for her.