Loving Him Without Losing You (36 page)

intimacy, establishing, 80–82, 91–94

intimidation, 168

isolation from others, 110–112 “I” statements, 169

jealousy, discussing, 92–93

journaling, 183, 184–189, 193

Kahlo, Frida, 3–4, 23–24, 59,

117–118

leading man on, 99 Lewinsky, Monica, 158 life history, divulging, 75

loss of control of anger, fear of, 204–205

loss of primary caretaker, 58 loss of self in relationships

age and, 19–20

attractiveness, wealth, and fame and, 22–24

competence, confidence, and assertiveness and, 21–22

frequency of, 9–10

history and, 21

problem overview, 1–3, 176–177

reasons for, 12–13 loss of voice, 199–203

“love at first sight,” 66, 69–71

male approval, addiction to, 28–29 masculine qualities, 4–5, 27, 126,

249–250

medication for BPD, 267 men

emotionality of, 29–30 encouraging growth in, 247–249 fears of, 106, 107–108, 201, 248

independence of, 30, 35 mental disorders and boundaries,

43–44

mental needs, 240, 241–242 merging with other person, 119,

126–128

minimizing or trivializing behavior, 165–166

mistakes, view of, 237 mother

bonding with, 2, 54–55, 57–59, 124,

216

gaining empathy for, 228–229

narcissistic personality disorder, 42 negative emotions, expressing, 192,

193–194

obsessive love, 128–129

offensive behavior, 98

pain as bonding agent, 31 pain of separation, 70 parent

becoming own, 225–226, 234 individuation and perceptions of, 243 resolving relationship with, 226–227
See also
father; mother

Parks, Rosa, 207 passions

finding, 234

sharing, 73

passive-aggressive behavior, 165

passivity of females, 26–27, 36, 98 patterns, repeating in relationships,

69–70, 134–136

paying own way, 112–114 perfection, beliefs about, 86–87 permission to discriminate, 74–75 personality disorders, 4, 41–44

See also
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

physical abuse, 19, 168

physical needs, 239, 241–242

possessiveness, 17–18 power

balance of, 152–154

giving to man, 73, 155

preferences, stating, 94–98 preoccupation with partner, 16–17 present and reality, staying in

confusing present and past, 136–138 fantasizing, awareness of, 122–129 loving him and, 139

overview of, 121

rewriting the past, 132–136 telling truth to self, 129–132

pretending, acts of, 84–86, 90–91 projections, taking back, 211–212

protection and sex, 74

psychological reasons for disappearing anger in compared to anger out,

34–35

childhood history and, 33–34

false selves and fragile egos, 35–36 interpersonal relationships versus

achievement, 40 loss of father, 37–38 overview of, 32

personality disorders, 41–44 separation and individuation, 37–39 thinner boundaries of women, 32–33,

43–44

public self, 86

rage, containing and transforming, 206–207

reality.
See
present and reality, staying in

real love, 128, 129

recommended reading, 229, 233, 235,

240

refuge, creating, 189–191 rejection by parent, 57–58 relationship history, divulging, 75

repressing and suppressing emotions, 193–194, 195

rescue fantasy, 124–126 resolution, need for, 169 respect, 149

rewriting the past, 132–136 risking being self, 91–94 Rivera, Diego, 23, 117

romance and fantasy syndrome, 28 Roth, Philip, 104–105

Rules, The
(Fein and Schneider), 73, 85 rushing into relationship, 75–78

sarcasm, 165

screaming and yelling, 168

self-blame mode, 34

self-discovery.
See
authentic self, finding

sense of self

in adolescence, 26

importance of, 24

interpersonal boundaries and, 32–33 maintaining, 11–12

men compared to women, 35–36, 247–248

willingness to change and, 149 sensitivity

of men, 35–36

of women, 32

separate life, maintaining

friends, social life, and, 108–110 isolation and, 110–112

overview of, 102–103 own space and, 114–119

paying own way and, 112–114 schedule and, 104–107

time for self and, 107–108 separation-individuation phase, 37–39

sexual abuse, 49, 92

See also
abuse history sexual compared to emotional

involvement, 31 sexual relationship

confusion about, 239 healthy progression for, 81 honesty in, 96–97

making conscious decision about, 74 protection and, 74

pushing for, 78–79

risking true intimacy in, 81–82 slowing relationship and, 73–74 talking with partner about, 97–98

Shadow, integrating

envy and hidden treasures, 213–216 good and bad attributes, 216–218 overview of, 209–210

projections, 211–212

talents, intelligence, and beauty, 212–213

skepticism with instant romance, 69–71

slowing relationship attraction and, 71–72

boundaries and, 65–66

dating and, 66–67

healthy progression for, 80–82 instant romance, consequences of,

67–69

“love at first sight,” 69–71 questions for, 75–80

strategies for, 72–73

social life, maintaining separate, 108–110

solitude, embracing, 178–184, 191 soul mate fantasy, 126–128

space

giving to him, 119–120 maintaining own, 114–119

speaking up

calling man on attitudes and behavior, 164–168

for emotional needs, 162–164 on grievances, 168–169 loving him and, 171

overview of, 159–160

standing by what is said, 169–170 valuing opinions, beliefs, and

knowledge, 161–162

See also
voice, finding spiritual needs, 240, 241–242

Steinem, Gloria, vii, 3–4, 131, 176,

212–213

stress release, 31

structure, benefits of, 104, 115–116 substance, finding

creating balance and, 241–242 creative expression and, 230–233

substance, finding
(continued)
giving self away and, 237–240 individuation and, 243–245 looking to romance or man for

completion and, 233–235

making own decisions and, 235–237 overview of, 219–221

self, becoming full of, 221–222 unfinished business from past and,

223–229

suggestibility and isolation, 111 support group, 49, 258–263

supportive therapy, 268–269

systems theory, 119

teenage girls, violence against, 19 telling truth

about self, 91–94

to self, 129–132

testosterone and male brain, 29–30, 31 therapeutic alliance, forming, 273 therapist, finding, 270–273, 276

thin interpersonal boundary BPD and, 43–44

chameleon syndrome and, 90–91 changing self to please partner and,

141

overview of, 32–33

slowing relationship and, 65–66 thinking processes, 162

threats to leave

from partner, 77–78, 157

to partner, 170

time for self, maintaining, 107–108 treatment of BPD, 267–274

true self.
See
being yourself trust, 29, 75

unfinished business from past, 223–229

unreasonable expectations, 154–155

vacations, 115–116

venereal disease, 74

verbal ability and female brain, 30 verbal abuse, 155–156, 168

victim mode, 34 voice, finding

overcoming fear of anger, 203–207 overview of, 197–198, 207–208 reasons for loss of, 199–201 sneaking past inner censor, 202–203

vulnerability honesty and, 93, 97

sex and, 31

See also
intimacy

whining, 167

whole person, becoming, 217–218 Woman of Substance, description of,

13, 152, 158, 173, 198, 221,

235–236

women’s circle, 49

Women Who Love Too Much,
1, 2, 258

Zuckerman, Mort, 131, 212