Loving Him Without Losing You (29 page)

Step 4: Risk Making Your Own Decisions

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

A
NAÏS
N
IN

Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what people fear most.

F
YODOR
D
OSTOYEVSKY

Take a risk a day—one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you have done it.

S
USAN
J
EFFERS

Ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? . . . If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use.

C
ARLOS
C
ASTANEDA

A Woman of Substance makes her own decisions. She doesn’t allow others to make them for her, and she doesn’t rely on others to tell her what she should

do. She trusts her judgment and her ability to choose what is right for her. She knows how to research a situation so she can discover the facts before mak- ing her decision, but she doesn’t rely on the advice of others. She has grown to trust her instincts and her intuition.

Disappearing Women, on the other hand, encourage others to make their decisions for them because they are afraid of standing on their own or of mak- ing a mistake. They cannot make a decision without asking their partner or their friends what they think, which, unfortunately, only tends to confuse them more.

Many Disappearing Women overload their friendships by constantly asking their friends for advice and by continually using their friends as sound- ing boards for all their complaints about life. Moreover, some tend to iden- tify so strongly with other women that they turn to them for the kind of mothering they did not get in childhood. Not surprisingly, their friends can’t meet all their expectations and often grow to resent their demands, resulting in withdrawal and often abandonment.

In addition to constantly asking their friends for advice, many Disap- pearing Women allow their lover to make their decisions for them. Over time this causes them to become more and more dependent on him and eventually causes them to feel controlled by him. By abdicating their responsibility for themselves in this way they send the message to their partner that their per- ceptions, knowledge, opinions, and wisdom cannot be trusted.

To make the transition from Disappearing Woman to Woman of Sub- stance you will need to go cold turkey for a while and stop asking your friends, your partner, and others for advice. You will need to stand alone and begin making your own decisions.

Making decisions on your own based on your feelings, logic, and intuition is an especially valuable tool in the individuation process. The more you practice making your own decisions, the more you will realize that you know a lot more than you think, and the more you will realize that you are quite capable of deciding things for yourself. And the more decisions you make, the more you will learn to trust your own judgment, as my client Carly experi- enced:

“I used to always ask Don what I should wear or whether I should say something to someone or not, and a million other questions throughout the day. Now I find that I’m more sure of myself and that I don’t need to con- stantly get his advice, and it feels good. I’m sure he likes it, too, since I prob- ably used to bug him with my incessant questions.”

Making your own decisions, whether they are small or large, without rely- ing on input from others can be one of the most courageous actions you take

and the most empowering. You will undoubtedly make some mistakes, but at least you’ll be standing on your own and living your own life. Besides, as you’ve no doubt heard before, we learn and grow from our mistakes. They strengthen us and teach us important lessons. Don’t get me wrong: it’s fine to get information and advice from others when you make important decisions about your career, your finances, or your health. But in the final analysis you need to trust yourself.

Understandably, those with low self-esteem try to avoid making mis- takes because to do so tends to make them feel even worse about themselves. But if you begin to view mistakes, as many successful people have done in the past, as a learning experience, opening up the doors of creativity as you search for more successful ways of accomplishing something, you won’t ever experience mistakes in the same way again.

Step 5: Stop Giving Yourself Away

I have another duty equally sacred . . . my duty to myself.

N
ONA IN
A D
OLL
’
S
H
OUSE
BY
H
ENRIK
I
BSEN

As women we are raised to be caregivers instead of care receivers, as most men are. From an early age most of us learn to derive a great deal of our sense of self and our self-esteem from giving to others. We tend to give pieces of ourselves away until we have little or nothing left.

As a child I learned to cover up my insecurity by being extremely polite and helpful. I gave away everything in my attempt to buy love—my posses- sions, my body, and my self. Nothing epitomizes this more than what hap- pened when I was nine years old.

Several years earlier, I had found a large, pink quartz crystal in a riverbed. I had always loved pretty rocks, so when I found this beautiful crystal I thought it was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen. I felt so lucky to have found it that I treasured it for years, taking it out to look at it often, being com- forted by its cool, smooth texture.

When I was nine we moved to a new neighborhood. As a way of trying to gain acceptance from the other kids on the block, I brought out my crystal to show off. As all the kids admired my rock, I finally began to feel like part of the group. Then one of the kids suggested we drop the crystal and break it into pieces so that everyone could have a piece of it.

In my desperate attempt to be accepted, I dropped my beloved crystal on the hard asphalt street and gave away pieces of it to the other children. When it was over, all I had left was one little piece.

This incident was a perfect metaphor for my life for a long time. I continued to give away different parts of myself until I had very little left for myself. I took care of others’ needs and was generous to a fault—but I didn’t take care of my own needs.

If you can relate to this story, you need to start saving some of yourself for yourself, giving to yourself in the same way you so generously give to oth- ers. Begin listening to yourself, comforting yourself, and providing for your- self instead of giving all your energy and time to others.

E
X E R C I S E
:
Give Yourself Gifts of Pleasure

Unfortunately, many women have spent so much time focusing on the needs of others and taking care of others that they literally do not know what gives them pleasure. The following exercise will help you discover what gifts of pleasure you need to begin giving to yourself:

• Write down—in detail—five of your most positive memories, prefer- ably your most recent. Include how the experience made you feel and which of your five senses was stimulated (e.g., “I can still remember the smell of the night-blooming jasmine and the cool breeze as it brushed against my face. I felt at peace within myself. For that time at least, I ceased worrying about what I had to do next and who I had to please. It was just me and the moon and the night,” or “I could hardly catch my breath as I reached the top of the hill but I felt good, strong, and proud of myself for persevering. I was further rewarded by a magnificent sunset—mauve and purple and gray streaks against the sky,” or “I felt so loved being surrounded by the women and men I’ve grown to love and trust. Looking out over their smiling faces my heart warmed, realizing this was the greatest gift they could give me”).
  

• As you read over and reexperience your memories, think about what they say about you. What brings you the most pleasure in your life? Is it connecting with nature and your inner spirit? Is it being physi- cally active and/or testing your physical strength? Is it being in the company of those you love and who love you? These favorite mem- ories will give you hints about what pleases you most, what makes you feel the most at peace, the most joyful, and the most alive, and in so doing they will help you connect with who you are.
  

• Now make a list of five things you can do to give yourself pleasure, things that will nurture you and make you feel good about yourself.
  

• Starting at either the top or the bottom of your list, make a commit- ment to give yourself each of these gifts within the next month.
  

  Notice as time goes by how much resistance you have to giving your- self these gifts and how many excuses you will likely come up with— you don’t have the time or the money, you’ll do it after you meet your current deadline at work, you’re not feeling well enough. Don’t allow yourself to buy into any of your excuses but see them for what they are—ways to avoid giving yourself the pleasure and the joy you deserve.
  

  

  Healthy Interdependency versus Unhealthy Dependency
  

  An important by-product of beginning to take care of your own needs— instead of always focusing on those of the men in your life—is that you won’t be as needy in your relationships. As my client Lacy told me, “I real- ize that I always looked for a man to take care of me so I wouldn’t have to take care of myself.”
  

  Unhealthy dependency is believing that it is your partner’s responsibility to make you happy. Healthy
  interdependency
  is appreciating the ways you and your partner complement each other while at the same time maintaining your separate identities. And it is recognizing that each of you is ultimately respon- sible for his or her own well-being.
  

  While it is important to be able to ask your partner to meet some of your needs, if he can’t or won’t, you need to be able to meet those needs yourself. For example, most women understand that our bodies need proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and exercise. But we have other physical needs that must be met in addition to these basic needs, such as the need for touch.
  

  Often Disappearing Women were deprived of physical touch when they were children, and they enter adulthood hungry for touch and affection. Unfortunately, they often confuse their need for touch with their need for sex- ual connection. This confusion is often the reason why Disappearing Women become so needy in their relationships and why so many women engage in sexual activities even when they are not feeling sexual. If this is your situa- tion, begin to meet your physical need for touch by getting a weekly massage, or by giving yourself a sensual massage.
  

  Taking care of yourself involves taking care of your physical needs (touch, exercise, buying, preparing and eating nutritious food, proper hygiene, and getting plenty of rest); your emotional needs (allowing yourself the time
  

  and the solitude needed to process both your daily life and your past, allow- ing yourself to express pent-up emotions, experiencing intimate connections with others); your mental needs (stimulating your intellect by reading, learn- ing, and having lively conversations); and your spiritual needs (meditation, prayer, connecting with nature, meaningful experiences with music or art). As you can see, it takes a lot of time and energy to take care of yourself properly so you won’t have as much time on your hands. And because you’ll feel less needy, you’ll be less desperate to find a man to take care of you. If you are cur- rently in a relationship, you’ll feel more independent and less likely to expect your partner to take care of all your needs.
  

  Once you’ve learned you can meet your own needs, you won’t be depend- ent on men to meet them. You also won’t become as hurt, depressed, or angry when the man in your life isn’t able or willing to meet them.
  

  E
  X E R C I S E
  :
  Discover the Reasons for Your Guilt
  

  If you are currently in a relationship and feel guilty or conflicted about taking time for yourself, try the following writing exercise to help you get in touch with childhood messages that may be influencing you. This may help you work through your guilt and conflicts about taking care of yourself.
  

  Complete the following sentences with as many responses as you can think of.
  

  When I was a child I learned that giving to yourself was . When I take time for myself I feel . When I spend money on myself I feel .
  

  I deserve more time for myself because .
  

  Ironically, once your partner realizes you can take care of yourself, he may feel much freer to take care of you at times, since he will realize you are not a bottomless pit of need. He will respect you more for your independence and your ability to meet your own needs and will feel less pressure to give to you on demand, freeing him to give to you out of desire, as opposed to expectation.
  

  

  For further reading:
  

  • The Woman’s Comfort Book
    by Jennifer Louden. Shares body-and-soul sustenance skills to help you connect with and nurture yourself.
    

  Step 6: Create Balance in Your Life
  

  Like Heather, the woman I described at the beginning of this chapter, many Disappearing Women tend to go to extremes. They fall in love too fast, and when they do, they tend to neglect everything else in their lives, including their own needs.
  

  They either like someone intensely, or they intensely dislike them. They become impressed with people and put them on a pedestal, only to knock them off it when they inevitably become disappointed. They come on strong but burn out fast, becoming enamored with a cause, a pastime, or a subject, and immersing themselves in it to the exclusion of everything else, only to tire of it or become disillusioned with it.
  

  To become a Woman of Substance you will need to work toward giving up your extremes and finding some balance in your life. Otherwise you’ll never feel like you are on solid ground. You’ll always feel like you’re being tossed about in the wind with no roots to secure you.
  

  The most significant way of creating balance is what we have been discussing throughout this book—not allowing yourself to lose yourself in a relationship by making certain that you go slowly, that you don’t give up your friends and interests, and that you give yourself time and space away from the relationship to maintain your sense of self. But there are many other ways of creating balance as well.
  

  One way is to recognize that we all have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, and if all these needs are not met, our life becomes out of bal- ance. Earlier we discussed the importance of recognizing and meeting your own needs instead of expecting others to meet them. But many women are out of touch with what their needs actually are. Sure, they recognize their phys- ical needs, even though they might not always meet them, but they may not have a clue when it comes to what their emotional, mental, and spiritual needs are. Earlier I gave you some examples of how to meet each of these needs, but it is far more important that you discover ways of meeting them yourself. The following exercise will help.
  

  E
  X E R C I S E
  :
  Determine and Meet All Your Needs
  

• Make four separate lists, one for each type of need (physical, emo- tional, mental, spiritual). Under each heading list the people, things, places, and activities in your life that not only meet each need but help to
  develop
  this aspect of your self.
  

• Now take a hard look at your lists. Do you find you have many
  

  examples under physical and mental but very few under emotional and even fewer under spiritual? Or is it the opposite? Do you have several examples under emotional and spiritual and hardly any under physical and mental?
  

• Begin to bring balance into your life by making a commitment to do something, no matter how small, to nurture and develop each of these aspects of yourself every day. As a reminder, write a plan of what you intend to do for the next few days. For example: