Loving Him Without Losing You (30 page)

Monday

Physical:
Take a walk to the park.

Emotional
: Write in my journal about an emotional experience.

Mental:
Read for half an hour before bed.

Spiritual:
Visit a park and focus on nature.

Tuesday

Physical:
Exercise for half an hour at home.
Emotional:
Meet with my best friend for lunch.
Mental:
Watch a program on PBS.

Spiritual:
Meditate.

Wednesday

Physical:
Ride a bike.

Emotional:
Go to a support group.

Mental:
Go to a museum at lunchtime.

Spiritual:
Write down everything I am grateful for.

While it may seem overly ambitious to make an effort to satisfy all four major needs each day, it is the general idea that is important. And as you can see, you can often meet several needs with the same activ- ity, such as walking to a park (exercising meets your physical need, enjoying nature fulfills your spiritual need).

If you find that you are having a problem coming up with a variety of ways of meeting a particular need, this is an indication that you are out of touch with this aspect of yourself. Continue to focus on this area of your self until you can create extra opportunities for expression and development of it.

Each of the four major types of needs represents a different aspect of yourself. By becoming more aware of and expressing the four aspects of your self, you will create more balance in your life since each part of you will be getting positive attention. And by focusing on all four aspects of your self you will continue to develop your whole self.

Step 7: Continue to Work on the Individuation Process

Continue to work toward individuation by practicing the strategies in this book. The following information will help you notice signs of progress as they develop.

Signs That You Are Successfully Individuating

1. As you complete the individuation process, your perception of your par- ents will change.
   

   Many experience their parent or parents as suddenly seeming less pow- erful or all-knowing. The following quotes from some of my clients show how much they have achieved individuation.
   

   Norma, age thirty-four:
   

   “I used to think my mother was so together, that she had all the answers.
   

   But now I realize she’s as confused as I am, maybe more.”
   

   Consuela, forty-seven, had seen her father from the same child’s per- spective. She told me of a recent argument she’d had with him:
   

   “For the first time in my life I felt like there was an adult talking to my father instead of a child. I could stand back and be more objective. In the past I was always a child defending myself and being devastated.
   

   “This time it didn’t hurt so much. I reminded myself that I was an adult and that I don’t have to listen to his insults—that I can walk away.”
   

2. You are less afraid to be alone.
   

   Many Disappearing Women discover that as they begin to discover them- selves, express themselves, and take care of themselves, they feel less afraid of being alone. Those who were once desperate to have a relationship to assuage their feelings of loneliness and emptiness fi that they now feel com- fortable being alone, or at least until they find the right partner. And those in relationships who once felt horribly abandoned when their partner had to be away find that they actually enjoy their time alone, as was the case with my client Phoebe:
   

   I was surprised to find that when Kyle went out of town this time I didn’t freak out. In fact, I had a good time with myself. I wrote poetry and played my harmonica and rented lots of “girl”’ movies that I never see when he’s here. When he called in the middle of the week to see how I was doing, instead of hearing me whine and cry about how much I missed him and how lonely I was, I told him about the fun I was having.
   

   I’m sure he felt relieved to not have to worry about me or feel guilty because he’d left me alone.
   

3. You are more willing and able to confront abusive parents or abusive part- ners.
   

4. You are less willing to put up with abusive or controlling behavior from your partner (or anyone).
   

5. You are more able to recognize your positive attributes.
   

6. You are more able to express yourself.
   

7. You are more able to express your creativity.
   

8. You are less afraid to take risks—going back to school, changing jobs, leaving bad relationships.
   

9. You are better able to hear your own inner voice instead of the internal- ized voice of your parent.
   

10. You are better able to trust your own perceptions.
    

Many people believe that life is about learning how to give and receive love, and this is certainly true. Ultimately we all want to meet our soul mate and experience the kind of transformation that can come from opening our hearts fully. But there are other important lessons in life as well. Many have found that their life purpose is to become the best person they can be. They want to be able to overcome their pettiness, their selfishness, their tendency to judge others, their envy of others. They want to learn the important lessons of for- giveness and compassion.

Women of Substance are too busy working on themselves to focus all their time and attention on finding a man. They are dedicated to becoming healthier, more productive, more creative individuals, so they continue work- ing on those aspects of themselves they feel are incomplete, unfinished, or lacking. For example, if you have unfinished business from the past, continue to face the past and release your pent-up emotions. If you have a great deal of anger toward your domineering mother and find that because of this you misinterpret every suggestion or word of advice from others as an attempt to control you, continue working on releasing this anger in safe, constructive ways, and continue working on differentiating the present from the past.

If you feel overwhelmed with envy at other people’s talents, work toward discovering and honing your own. If you feel insecure and invisible because of your weight, it is important that you work toward understanding why you

overeat and that you learn alternative ways of comforting yourself. And if you feel insecure about your intellect and uncertain about your opinions, set out on a course to become better educated. Go back to school or obtain a read- ing list from your local librarian of books relevant to your area of interest.

Women of Substance know that until they work through their own unre- solved issues they will only attract men who reflect their problems. They know that needy people attract other needy people. And they know they must be happy with themselves before they will ever be happy with another person. By working on yourself in these ways you will be ready, willing, and able when and if the right man comes along to have a healthy, intimate, meaning- ful relationship. And if you’re in a relationship now, you’ll be able to improve

the quality of your relationship.

Becoming the Best You Can Be for You and for Him

While most women definitely want an intimate romantic relationship, no woman should put her life on hold waiting until the right man happens to come along in order to live a “real life.” You need to be a full human being, on your own terms. Divorce, death, separation—these are the facts of life that are not always within our control. We owe it to ourselves to face the challenges and changes of life, with or without the presence of a romantic partner.

The most loving thing you can do for a man is to continue striving to be the best person you can be. By becoming a Woman of Substance, a woman who has discovered herself, her voice, her Shadow, and her substance, you will also become more loving, more compassionate, more empathetic, and more giving. You will become the kind of woman your man will admire and respect, a woman who will bring out the best in him, including a desire to be more compassionate, empathetic, and giving to you.

Please refer to the appendixes at the back of this book for more infor- mation on where to go from here—how to start a women’s Empowerment Circle, a Disappearing Women’s support group, or, for those of you who need professional help, how to find the right kind of therapy and the right kind of therapist.

Conclusion

B
LENDING AND
B
ALANCING

[It is] . . . the paradoxical truths of human existence—that we know ourselves as separate only insofar as we live in connection with others, and that we experience relationship only insofar as we differentiate other from self.

C
AROL
G
ILLIGAN

As you’ve seen throughout this book, being yourself and being in a relation- ship are not mutually exclusive. You can be loving to the man in your life and still be loving to yourself. You can be giving to him without giving yourself away. And you can be compassionate and cooperative and still stand up for yourself.

Loving a man should never make you love yourself less. It should make you love yourself more.
When you are truly loved you are accepted for who you are, for your so-called negative traits as well as for your so-called posi- tive ones. When you are truly loved you and your partner bring out the best in each other. You become not a false self, not a public self, but your authen- tic self.

Loving a man without losing yourself means many things. It means not allowing your “feminine” qualities—a need for connectedness, cooperation, and compassion—to control your life so much that you aren’t able to find meaning and purpose in “masculine” traits such as autonomy, achievement, and action.

It means learning and practicing the strategies that will empower you in relationships—including slowing down, telling the truth about who you are

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and how you feel, maintaining a separate life, staying out of fantasy and in the present, not allowing a man to change you, and having equal relationships.

It means creating a balance between self and others, including focusing on yourself to complete the work you must do before you are free to truly love.

Loving him without losing yourself means finding and honoring yourself and your voice so you will never again allow your fear of aloneness to pro- pel you into or keep you in unequal, unfulfilling, or unhealthy relationships. It means not being afraid to feel and express your feelings no matter how negative or unacceptable they are to others, and at the same time learning to contain those very emotions instead of dumping them on whoever is around. It means having the courage to take back your projections, including your envy and your Shadow, and to begin to take responsibility for complet- ing yourself instead of continuously searching for someone else to do it

for you.

It means knowing when to focus on completing the past and when it is time to let it go, when to express your anger, and when to work toward for- giveness.

It means allowing your creative urges to flourish, taking the kinds of risks that will set you free, and giving to yourself the love, guidance, and support you so freely give to others.

What Men Can Learn from Women

Throughout much of this book I have encouraged you to get in touch with and nurture what are often considered masculine traits, such as autonomous think- ing, clear decision-making, and responsible action. But I would be remiss if I left you with the idea that there is more value in so-called male qualities and values or that you should be ashamed of or reject your feminine qualities and values such as compassion, empathy, vulnerability, and the need for connec- tion and consensus. Although women definitely need to balance their ten- dency to take care of others with healthy doses of self-care, a woman’s tendency to focus outward and her seemingly inexhaustible fascination with and concern for others and their needs are what make women such good mothers, mates, and friends.

A woman’s sense of self tends to come from her relatedness to the peo- ple around her, whereas a man’s sense of self tends to come from pitting him- self against others in a process of individuation. While this self-focus enables a man to act more decisively and with more self-confidence in the world, it presents a tremendous obstacle to his ability to form and maintain intimate relationships.

As much as women’s tendency to lose ourselves in relationships is our weakness, in many ways it is our strength that we place such importance on relationships. We know how important relationships are in terms of healing individual wounds and universal wounds. We know that connection is as important as autonomy.

To create a healthy, meaningful relationship with someone else, there must be connection. True connection requires the capacity to empathize with the other person. It requires the ability to truly listen to the other person in order to learn his or her language and understand his or her point of view. This is what men can learn from women.

Just as women need to learn to be more independent and to stop losing themselves in their relationships with men, men need to learn to be more vul- nerable and to stop defending themselves so much in their relationships with women. By being positive role models to men concerning the importance of connection, as they have been to us concerning the importance of individua- tion, we can help create the kind of balance we are all striving for.