Loving Him Without Losing You (25 page)

This was the case with a client I saw several years ago whom I will call Mal- lory. The first thing I noticed about her was that although she had a rather large frame and was quite tall, her voice was that of a child’s—almost “squeaky” in nature. At thirty-four, her voice didn’t match her body or her age, and it was almost comical, making it quite disconcerting to listen to her. I immediately suspected that either some trauma had occurred in her child- hood or there was something about the way she had been raised that accounted for this arrest in her development. Although she denied any such experience, as time went by it became evident that she had been so strongly dominated by her father that her voice had become constricted with fear. Her father, a very large and angry man, had forbidden his wife or daughter from “talking back” to him, which meant he would not tolerate any dissenting voice. In addition, because he treated his wife as if she were a child, making fun of her requests and constantly talking down to her, Mallory remained childlike in other ways in addition to her voice. She was extremely passive in her relationships and had a series of bad experiences with men who were domineering, like her father.

With encouragement, Mallory began talking about how she felt about her father’s domination. At first all she could do was whisper to me some of the horrible things he had said to her and how it made her feel. As she discovered that nothing bad happened to her because she was talking against her father, she began to talk in her normal voice, which was still choked with fear. Sus- pecting that in addition to fear there was also a great deal of anger trapped in her chest, just waiting to come up and out through her voice, I encouraged her to begin speaking louder and to add more power to her voice. Eventually, with time, encouragement, and support, Mallory was able to yell out the words of anger that had been buried for years. By the time she completed therapy, her voice was deeper, more powerful, and far more adult. Mallory had found her voice.

Not Being Taken Seriously

While not all women have high-pitched, squeaky voices like Mallory’s, it is common for women to speak so softly they can barely be heard or to speak even strong words in such a way that they aren’t taken seriously. If a girl consistently has the experience of not being heard by those she cares about, she may deduce that it isn’t worth it to speak up. If what she says is constantly ridiculed, or if her words are continually countered with opposing arguments, she may opt for silence rather than risk being hurt or humiliated. And if her words don’t seem to be understood by others or echoed by others,

she will assume her words and her opinions are incorrect. This was Lee’s experience:

My parents were rather simple, old-fashioned people. They were loving toward me, but neither one of them took me seriously, especially my father. When I started school and began to have my own ideas about things, my father would say things like, “That’s a crazy idea” or “What in the world made you think of that?” After a while I stopped sharing my thoughts with my parents because I knew they wouldn’t understand. Unfortunately, it took me years to discover that there were other people who thought like I did, and that it had been my parents’ problem, not mine.

By the time many girls have become women, they have already lost their voice. They have learned it is better to keep the peace than to speak out and risk rejection, humiliation, or retaliation. They have learned that many men assume that what a woman has to say has no merit in the first place and that their words are to be tolerated but not taken seriously. And many have been taught that when they do speak up in a relationship they are considered “nags” or “whiners.”

When it comes to voicing their opinions, beliefs, and knowledge around a man they are attracted to, even the most confident and successful women can become intimidated. This is often because they are afraid of turning off or appearing too dominant to a man. Women sense, and rightly so, that many men are afraid of being controlled and dominated by a woman. This fear often goes back to adolescence, when boys are acutely afraid of being rejected and dominated by girls. No matter how attracted to her he is, a boy will likely reject a girl he thinks is too controlling or possessive. Many grown men never get past this stage.

Women also become intimidated because men take on dominance pat- terns in conversation, through louder voices, physical contact, or by cutting off conversation. In fact, male conversation relies heavily on one-upping and dominance patterns, a fact that Deborah Tannen, in
You Just Don’t Under- stand,
has made so brilliantly clear.

Because of their conditioning, men tend to generate a more intense, attention-getting energy than do women. To see the phenomenon occur, one only need notice what happens when one man joins a group of women. The energy in the room changes, and unless the man is totally inadequate socially and doesn’t say anything, he will end up doing most of the talking and the women most of the listening.

Sneak Past Your Censor

Many women find they must sneak past their inner censor to find their true voice. Our inner censor is that insistent, critical voice inside that tells us we can’t do something or that tries to convince us that what we are doing isn’t good enough. Nowhere is this truer than in the practice of writing. In her fine book
Writing Down the Bones,
Natalie Goldberg recommends the timed exercise as a way to bypass your inner censor when you begin to write. You may wish to start small (ten minutes) and after a week increase your time. Goldberg suggests the following rules:

1. Keep your hand moving
   —don’t pause to reread what you have written.
   

2. Don’t cross out
   —that’s editing as you write. Separate the creator from the editor or internal censor so the creator has free space to explore and express herself.
   

3. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, or grammar.
   

4. Lose control.
   

5. Don’t think. Don’t get logical.
   

6. Go for the jugular
   —if something comes up that’s frightening or what Goldberg calls “naked”—dive in!
   

   These rules will help you to burn through to what Goldberg calls “first thoughts”—to “the place where energy is unobstructed by social politeness or the internal censor, to the place where you are writing what your mind actu- ally sees and feels, not what it
   thinks
   it should see or feel.”
   

   As Goldberg explained, our internal censor usually squelches our first thoughts, “so we live in the realm of second and third thoughts, thoughts on thoughts, twice or three times removed from the direct connection of the first fresh flash.” But if we can persist in giving our first thoughts free rein and get- ting them down on paper uncensored, we will find that they are unencumbered by our ego (that mechanism in us that tries to be in control), and we will be able to express the truth of the way things are.
   

   The more your true, first thoughts have a chance to pour out of you, the more you will learn to trust your deep self and not give in to your inner cen- sor as often. When you learn to trust your own voice through spontaneous writing, you can then transfer this experience to other areas of your life.
   

   E
   X E R C I S E
   :
   Voice Your Anger and Pain
   

   In the previous chapter I explained how repressed emotions from the past can interfere with your life today. For many of you it will be nec-
   

   essary to find a way to express these emotions from the past to find your voice and be able to live more assertively in the present.
   

   There are many ways of voicing your anger and pain from the past:
   

   • Write a letter to the person who hurt or angered you, expressing exactly how you feel. Do not ask
     questions
     such as “How could you . . . ?” or “Why did you . . . ?” Such questions keep you in the role of victim. Instead, make
     statements
     using “I” messages, such as “I’m angry with you for . . .” or “I don’t like what you did. . . .” Be assertive. Whether you choose to mail the letter or simply use it as an exercise, it still has the same basic effect of helping you rid yourself of pent-up emotions.
     

     For many, writing doesn’t do the trick. They need to vocalize their anger and pain—let out the screams and the sobs that are buried deep inside. They need to say the words that repeat in their heads over and over but never get spoken. They need to stop the self-critical words that play like a never-ending tape in their heads, by giving them back to those who have criticized them. If this is true for you, try any or all of the following:
     

   • Have an imaginary conversation with the person you are angry with. Tell that person exactly how you feel; don’t hold back anything.
     

   • Pretend the person you are angry with is sitting in a chair across from you. It may help to put a picture of the person on the chair. Talk to the empty chair or the picture and tell off that person.
     

   • Express your feelings of anger into a tape recorder.
     

     To find your voice and become a Woman of Substance you must give yourself permission to express your sorrow and rage, especially if you experienced trauma in your childhood or adulthood. Otherwise you will continue to turn it inward on yourself, damaging your self-esteem, caus- ing depression and even bodily symptoms, and generally paralyzing your life.
     

     

     Overcome Your Fear of Anger
     

     Even though you may understand that releasing your anger will help you recover from your childhood and help you find your voice today, you may still fear actually doing it. If you were punished whenever you spoke up as a child, you may be afraid of retaliation. This is especially true of those who
     

     were physically abused as children and those who were threatened with phys- ical punishment whenever they became angry.
     

     Although those who neglected or abused you may have little or no power over you today and even though you don’t plan to confront them directly, this fear of retaliation may be overwhelming. It is actually your “inner child,” that part of you who holds the memories of your childhood, who is afraid. There- fore you will need to assure that child part of you that the “adult” you will pro- tect her. This may seem foolish to you, but over the years I have worked with countless women who have been helped by visualizing their inner child and then talking to her and reassuring her that she is safe now, that no one can hurt her. Just as you would promise to protect an actual child, your promise will be heard by that child part of you who is still so frightened, and this will enable you to begin letting your anger out a little bit at a time until you are assured it is indeed safe to do so.
     

     As mentioned earlier, some women are afraid that once they begin releas- ing their anger they will lose control, “go crazy,” or hurt someone. Unless you have a history of losing control and acting in these ways, there is probably lit- tle danger of you doing so now, but the following visualization exercise may help you get more comfortable with your anger and learn that you have far more control than you realize.
     

     E
     X E R C I S E
     :
     Anger Visualization
     

     1. Lie down or sit in a comfortable chair, relax, and close your eyes. Begin to breathe deeply and evenly.
        

     2. Visualize what you imagine you might do if you became extremely angry and totally “lost control.” Really “see” what might happen.
        

        

        This visualization will give you valuable information about how you might react if you actually did begin to express your anger. Having in a sense already experienced the situation in your mind can put you more in control. You now have a choice whether you feel safe enough to actually begin releas- ing your anger or whether you should seek professional help before attempt- ing it.
        

        If you found yourself merely screaming or throwing things, you will probably feel relieved to realize that this is the extent of your “loss of control.” If, on the other hand, you imagined yourself destroying someone with your rage and chopping that person into little pieces, going “berserk,” or curling up in a corner completely catatonic and having to be hospitalized, you
        

        may have reason to be afraid. This does not mean that you would actually do any of these things, but it does show you just how angry you are and that you must begin to release your anger slowly and carefully.
        

        E
        X E R C I S E
        :
        Gradual Anger Release
        

        This exercise will help you visualize a way to begin releasing your anger a little at a time:
        

        1. Get into a comfortable position again. Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply.
           

        2. Visualize your anger as steam that has built up in some pipes. Imag- ine that the steam (anger) had filled the pipes almost to the bursting point (losing control).
           

        3. Slowly let some of the steam out of the pipes by carefully and grad- ually opening a valve. Allow only a small amount of steam out at a time. Eventually all the steam will be released and no pipes will burst.
           

     Your anger is the steam building up inside you. If you release your anger a little at a time, you will not lose control.
     

     

     E
     X E R C I S E
     :
     “Sneak Past” Your Resistance and Fear
     

     You can “sneak past” your resistance and fear by finding ways to begin releasing your anger as part of your daily schedule. For example:
     

   • When taking out the garbage and recycling, stomp on egg cartons, aluminum cans, or any other packaging that makes a loud or crisp sound, and imagine you are stomping on those who hurt you.
     

   • As you garden, release your anger as you hoe the soil, cut limbs, or tear out weeds.
     

   • As you take your daily walk, imagine that each time you take a step you are stomping on the person you are angry with.
     

   • Tear an old phone book or newspapers into pieces.
     

   • Yell and scream in the shower
     

   • Go to a batting cage, driving range, or tennis court and practice hitting balls, focusing on releasing your anger instead of on performance.
     

   • Throw balls or darts at a target.
     

     

     Whichever anger-release technique you use, be prepared for more resist- ance on your part. Resistance will take many different forms: worrying about what other people will think; feeling too tired right after you’ve started; worrying about hurting your back, blistering your hands, feeling silly, and so on.
     

     You can find lots of excuses for not releasing your anger. There will always seem to be a better time. But don’t fool yourself. There is no better time than now!
     

     Releasing Anger Is Not for Everyone
     

     If you are the type of person who has a difficult time expressing your anger, who puts up with inappropriate behavior from others rather than risking retal- iation or rejection, and who has not been able to express your rage concern- ing the neglect or abuse you experienced as a child, you need to find ways to vent your anger—to express it in safe, constructive ways.
     

     On the other hand, if you are the type of person who frequently loses your temper, who has emotional outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere, or who seems to have more trouble controlling your anger than expressing it, you will need to find ways to
     contain
     your anger.
     

     Sometimes a woman’s wounds are so deep and her rage is so explosive that it is destructive. Such rage is often rooted in feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection from childhood and often comes up over and over again in her current relationships. Many women destroy their relationships this way through continual outbursts or suicidal threats and attempts. If this describes you, your work will be in focusing on what is behind the rage— usually pain and fear—and getting access to those emotions as well as your rage. Equally important will be for you to distinguish which part of your rage is the unresolved anger from childhood and what belongs to the present situation.
     

     Transform Your Rage
     

     Your rage, while unfocused and perhaps even explosive, carries powerful energy that, if utilized constructively, can release your true potential as a woman.
     

     Kali, the Hindu goddess of creation and destruction, symbolizes the power many women need to develop in themselves—the power to assert themselves, to set limits, and to say no when necessary. While Kali’s rage can destroy, it also can create, and so it can provide the fire for transformation. In
     The Wounded Woman: Healing the Father-Daughter Relationship,
     

     Linda Schierse Leonard compared how one releases one’s rage to the way one deals with a forest fire—by essentially “fighting fire with fire”—setting smaller fires around the larger, more dangerous fire in order to limit it:
     

     In the same way, letting the rage out into the open with a burst of feel- ing can actually limit the rage by releasing it. For rage can be an act of assertion that sets limits and establishes identity by saying, “I won’t take any more of this!”
     

     Ultimately, this expression of rage needs to be not only forceful but also formed and focused. Once women become conscious of their rage they must take responsibility for giving it form and shape.
     

     There are two stages to transforming rage. First we must get the rage out, and then we must transform the power of our anger into creative energy.
     

     Containing the energy means not dissipating it in formless rage but asserting it creatively. This might be in a work of art, through a political act, by raising an emotionally healthy child, or in the quality of one’s own life.
     

     Throughout history women have transformed their anger into powerful acts of transformation: women such as Rosa Parks, the American civil rights activist who sparked the successful 1955-1956 Montgomery, Alabama, city bus boycott when she refused a driver’s order to give her seat to a white man simply because she was black, as mandated by city ordinance; Dian Fossey, the American primatologist who engaged in an economic and political battle to preserve the mountain gorilla in Rwanda and who has become a hero to wildlife preservationists and environmentalists throughout the world; and Rachel Carson, the American biologist and writer whose scientific accuracy and thoroughness made
     Silent Spring
     a powerful warning of the growing danger of unrestricted use of chemical pesticides and herbicides.
     

     Experiment with different ways of expressing yourself (through art, writ- ing, music, political action) until you find a way to transform your rage and find your true voice.
     

     Finding your voice can be as important as finding yourself, because if you can’t speak up for yourself and your rights, you are in constant danger of los- ing yourself all over again. Those who can’t ask for what they want will end up taking what they can get and hating themselves for it. Those who can’t say no to unreasonable demands will end up doing things that lower their self-esteem
     

     and cause them to lose respect for themselves. And those who can’t speak their minds will soon become confused about what they actually believe.
     

     Finding your voice also means that you have finally been able to express the anger, pain, and fear that you have held in from the past out of fear of retaliation, humiliation, or losing control.
     

     You have a right to your anger. By expressing it instead of holding it in, you can become empowered by it instead of diminished.
     

     14
     

     Find Your Shadow
     

     If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do bring forth will destroy you.
     

     J
     ESUS
     

     The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together: our virtues would be proud, if our faults whipped them not; and our
     

     crimes would despair, if they were not cherished by our virtues.
     

     W
     ILLIAM
     S
     HAKESPEARE
     

     When my mother was still alive she often told me this story: One day, as she dropped me off at the baby-sitter and gave me her usual admonishment— “Now you be good for Mrs. Jones today”—I turned to her and said, “I have to be good for Mrs. Jones, I have to be good for you, I have to be good at school, I have to be good when I go to church. When can I be bad?”
     

     My mother always laughed when she told this story, since in many ways she loved my precociousness. But I doubt that she truly appreciated what I was trying to tell her—that I felt too much pressure to be good and needed a time and a place where I could be “bad.”
     

     As human beings, we contain within ourselves a spectrum of urges and potential behaviors, but our parents, society, and religion reinforce some and discourage others. While it is important for children to learn certain social behaviors in the process of growing up, the very act of encouraging some
     

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     while discouraging others creates within us all a shadow personality. These rejected qualities do not cease to exist simply because they’ve been denied expression. Instead, they live on within us and form the secondary personal- ity that psychology calls the Shadow.
     

     Therefore there is a part of ourselves we hide away not only from others but also from ourselves. This dark side is made up of forbidden thoughts and feelings such as rage, jealousy, shame, resentment, lust, greed; undesirable and therefore rejected personality traits, and all the violent and sexual ten- dencies we consider evil, dangerous, or forbidden.
     

     Sometimes we are aware of our dark side, and out of fear of being pro- pelled into acting in ways that we will regret, we consciously work at push- ing down and controlling our more prurient or unacceptable urges. More often, though, we are entirely unaware of it.
     

     Only by owning our Shadow can we gain control over it. We’ve all heard the old saying that it’s what we don’t know that can hurt us. Once we are aware of our dark side, we can exercise real control over it: not by suppressing it, but by respecting it, finding constructive outlets for it, and setting limits.
     

     How do we meet the Shadow? By conceding that there are parts of our- selves that we abhor, despise, or deny; by acknowledging those parts, no mat- ter how horrific they are; and by seeing that we are still ourselves. These acts in themselves become peace offerings that encourage the Shadow to emerge. When we are immunized against disease, our bodies know instinctively how to make good use of the poison or disease-producing substance that in larger or altered amounts would harm us. The ability to admit the Shadow, to allow it into consciousness in manageable doses, similarly allows us to immu-
     

     nize the psyche.
     

     It is a paradox of consciousness that allowing and admitting the Shadow reduces its power, producing the opposite of what we feared. By making our- selves vulnerable to it, we achieve an immunity to its deadliness. Instead of being overwhelmed by our darker urges, we learn to coexist with them, nod- ding knowingly when they appear, gratefully taking the lessons they give us, and turning them into healthy emotional or creative expressions. I’ve seen time and again in my practice that recognizing the dark side produces a pow- erful and beneficial change in consciousness.
     

     In this chapter we will discuss four ways in which you can begin to dis- cover and own your Shadow:
     

     • Take back your projections.
       

     • Own your own talents, intelligence, and beauty.
       

     • Own your envy and your hidden treasures.
       

     • Accept that you and others are both good and bad.