Loving Him Without Losing You (28 page)

Resolve Your Relationship with Your Parents

Resolving your relationship with your parents is one of the most important things you can do both in terms of the individuation process and in becom- ing a Woman of Substance. Some of you reading this book need to work toward separating from your parents—that is, not allowing your parents to influence and control your lives as much as they currently do. Others need to reconcile with your parents after years of distance or estrangement.

Some Disappearing Women cling to their mother, father, or both out of fear that they cannot survive without their guidance and support. Because they either weren’t given the necessary foundation required to become a mature, capable adult or because they were overly controlled or emotionally smothered, they lack the confidence to strike out on their own. At the same time, most of these women harbor a tremendous amount of anger toward their parents, either because they feel so controlled by them or because they didn’t get what they needed from them to complete the individuation process as ado- lescents. Some of you may have been raging at your parents for years, either in direct confrontations or by constantly complaining about them to friends and lovers, while others may be totally unaware of the amount of seething anger you have stored up.

This need, coupled with anger, creates a powerful and debilitating conflict that must be resolved in order for you to leave your childhood behind, become an emancipated adult, and form a healthy, adult relationship with a man.

In contrast, some of you may have cut off all ties to your parents or may be so distant from them that you might as well have. While you may not

have the daily pain and may not experience the intense conflicts you once experienced with them, you probably feel the loss of them in your life in a profound way.

Whether you are too dependent or too distant, to complete your unfin- ished business you will need to resolve your relationship with your parents in one way or another.

1. Those of you who are too dependent on your parents will need to begin making your own decisions (there will be more on this later on in this chapter) and rely less on your parents for guidance and feedback. This may also entail severing any financial ties that keep you in a dependent rela- tionship with your parents and from gaining the confidence of knowing you can take care of yourself.
   

2. Those who have parents who continue to be overly controlling or smoth- ering will need to let your parents know, in a nonblaming way, if possible, that you are no longer comfortable with the old pattern of relating. Once you have done this you will need to maintain your position and your boundaries despite any threats or manipulation from your parents.
   

3. Those who have parents who continue to be abusive, either emotionally, physically, or sexually, may need to confront your parents about their unacceptable behavior or temporarily separate from your parents to gain enough strength to confront them.
   

4. Finally, those of you who have been estranged from your parents may need to gradually reestablish the relationship on your own terms.
   

   Let Go of Blame
   

   After you have released your anger about what was done or left undone to you as a child, you will need to begin to move beyond your blame and resentment. One way to do this is to realize that underneath your anger lies sadness, and that to get past the anger you must allow yourself to feel and express this sadness.
   

   Anger is empowering, freeing, and motivating. Blame, on the other hand, depletes our energy and keeps us caught up in the problem. Healthy, construc- tive anger can be your way out of your past, but blame keeps you stuck in it. Many people have a difficult time moving away from their blame and toward forgiveness. They insist they must receive an apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of the fact that they were hurt or damaged before
   

   they can forgive. Although apologies can be tremendously healing, an apology or an acknowledgment of responsibility is not always forthcoming. Holding on to anger and blame does you more harm than it does the person responsible for hurting you. It not only keeps you stuck in the past but also colors all your present and future relationships, imbuing them with hostility and distrust. When you harbor bitterness against someone, that bitterness eats away at you. The only way to get the poison out of your system is to forgive.
   

   For many, forgiveness is a natural by-product of the recovery process, and it takes time. The first step is allowing yourself to acknowledge and release your anger in constructive ways. The next step is determining that you wish to move on and not allow the past to continue to limit your future.
   

   Some people have gained the ability to forgive by developing empathy for the person who hurt them. For example, by learning more about your parents’ background you may come to understand why they treated you as they did. Many of us know very little about the forces that shaped our parents’ lives, and this lack of information can keep us stuck in blame, as it did in my case.
   

1. G
   AINING
   E
   MPATHY FOR
   M
   Y
   M
   OT H E R
   

   My mother was a very proud woman who believed, as so many of her gener- ation did, in keeping her business to herself. It wasn’t until just before she died that I was able to persuade her to share with me some important information about her own mother. Up to this point she had always insisted that her mother was a warm, caring woman, and I could never understand why my own mother was so distant and unaffectionate.
   

   Even though she finally came to understand how her behavior toward me had negatively affected me, she continued to insist that her behavior had nothing to do with the way she had been raised. Finally, in response to my continual encouragement, she admitted that her mother could be very rigid in her expectations of her children and that she was, in fact, an alcoholic.
   

   Others, including myself, have gained empathy for those who harmed them by recognizing that they, too, have hurt people in similar ways. In my case, it was only after I came to realize that I had become emotionally abusive in my relationships that I was open to forgiving my mother for her emotionally abusive behavior toward me.
   

   Don’t let anyone try to force you to forgive, but allow the process to evolve naturally. Forgiving without the acknowledgment of and the release of anger is seldom a true forgiveness but more an intellectual act, but when forgiveness does come it can be a powerful and healing experience that can
   

   transform your life and the lives of those around you.
   Letting go of blame can free you to love and be loved.
   

   The Power of Apology
   

   Finally, completing unfinished business often involves apologizing to those you have hurt, often for negative behavior and attitudes you took on as a result of your upbringing.
   

   Whether we act on it or not, we all secretly long to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. But why is it so difficult for us to do it? Why doesn’t such a natural drive come more naturally to us? The answer is that there is an equally powerful opposing drive—that of protecting our ego, our pride, and our carefully constructed and defended public self. We don’t apologize because to do so is to admit we are flawed and fallible. To apologize is to set aside our pride long enough to admit our imperfections, and for some, this feels too dangerous and makes us feel too vulnerable. This is especially true for men, who often have a difficult time apologizing, but some women do as well. If this is true for you, you will find that by working toward setting aside your pride and being willing to expose your vulnerability you will discover that you are not diminished or destroyed in the process but will become more of a person because of it.
   

   The healing power of apology is phenomenal, both for the person who is being apologized to and the person doing the apologizing. The person who apologizes can finally remove the heavy cloak of shame they have been carrying around and unburden themselves of their guilt and self-hatred. By admitting you were wrong, by taking responsibility for your actions, you will slowly discover that you truly are better than your worst deeds. You will discover that you have another chance to do better, another chance at life.
   

   For further reading:
   

   • The Dance of Anger
     by Harriet Lerner. Written for women, this won- derful book helps you to change your patterns of anger.
     

   • Necessary Losses
     by Judith Viorst. Helps you let go of the illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that keep you stuck.
     

   • Forgive and Forget
     by Lewis B. Smedes. Tells the truth about what for- giveness is and what it isn’t and presents the four stages of forgiveness.
     

   • Families in Recovery: Working Together to Heal the Damage of Child- hood Sexual Abuse
     by Beverly Engel. Discusses how to release your anger and how to confront your parents in constructive ways, as well as suggestions for reconciliation.
     

     Step 2: Become Involved in Some Form of Creative Expression
     

     For each of us as women, there is a deep place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises . . . an incredible reserve of creativity and power.
     

     A
     UDRE
     L
     ORDE
     

     The creative, when it is pursued freely, is generally therapeutic, is in the interest of the self, even if it disturbs us and arouses fear or despair . . . there is an intrinsic relationship between creativity and self-knowledge. Ultimately, one informs the other. Soon creativity and self-knowledge will seem like twin sisters, similar but distinct comrades who have a common origin.
     

     D
     EENA
     M
     ETZGER
     

     To complete the individuation process we must take the risk of stepping out and declaring ourselves separate from others. There is no better way to do this than through the act of creativity. When we create something, whether it be a poem or a painting, we are taking one of the greatest risks anyone can take in terms of saying “This is who I am.” Involving yourself in creative projects is one of the most powerful ways of developing a stronger sense of self and one of the most exciting.
     

     By engaging in the act of creativity we step into the unknown. We declare our willingness to see and hear things that others haven’t seen or heard, our willingness to step away from ideas and beliefs of others and discover a new reality through the unique possibilities of our own vision.
     

     The act of creating ourselves is also a step into the unknown within our- selves. It is a willingness to see and hear things about
     ourselves
     that no one else has seen or heard. It is a willingness to step away from the ideas and beliefs others have about us and risk creating our own.
     

     Creativity can teach us things about ourselves we never knew, plummet- ing us to depths within ourselves we would never venture to in any other way. It can help us find strength, resolve, commitment, wisdom, and passion we never knew we possessed.
     

     The act of creating offers a way to express our personal voice and to clear up confusion by allowing us to focus our energies.
     

     Creativity is also another way of merging with something, and yet it doesn’t tend to diminish us the way merging dysfunctionally with another per- son does. Instead, it can connect us with deeper aspects of ourselves, provide
     

     catharsis for repressed and suppressed emotions and memories, and fill empty spaces inside us so we don’t feel as compelled to become totally absorbed by others.
     

     Creativity is also a wonderful companion. Many Disappearing Women have shared with me through the years how they can get lost in their writing or painting, in their sculpting or in playing a musical instrument, and that hours can go by without their realizing it. Instead of feeling empty and alone, they feel filled up with the excitement of creation. They are soothed and comforted by their own artistry.
     

     Create Your Self
     

     Ultimately, creating art and creating ourselves is the same act.
     

     Writing is an especially fruitful way of learning about oneself and creat- ing oneself, of making a serious commitment to discover who one is and how one sees the world.
     

     As frightening as it can be to step out and declare oneself, ironically, cre- ativity is one of the safest forms of self-expression. Through creativity you can take the risk of asserting yourself, of expressing your deepest emotions, of exploring issues and themes you would normally be afraid to uncover. For example, many survivors of childhood abuse, particularly survivors of sexual abuse, have found that art and writing offer safe avenues of expression that have helped them deal with their pain, fear, guilt, shame, and rage. By getting their feelings down on paper they release them from their hiding places and become stronger, more grounded, and more liberated from the past.
     

     Those of you who were severely criticized whenever you attempted to express yourself as a child may carry forward fears of being ridiculed or chas- tised for your artistic pursuits. But the wonderful thing about creativity is that most artistic expressions can be done away from the eyes and judgments of others. Alone in your home you can express yourself any way you choose. No one ever has to see your work unless you feel willing to show it to them.
     

     In fact, there are dangers in showing your work to others prematurely. By asking for feedback from others you may be giving them too much power. You may be asking that they approve of your work and therefore your
     self
     . Or you may be unconsciously asking to be censored. Our creative works, like our innermost selves, require patience and the protection of seclusion.
     

     Another danger in exposing your work prematurely is that you may be distracted from going farther, deeper. You may begin to think that the work (the creative work and your work on yourself) is complete when, in fact, it has only begun.
     

     Still another danger is in using your creative work as an entrée to intimacy
     

     with friends or lovers. While you may feel a need to be understood by others and the sharing of your work may ease your feelings of alienation momen- tarily, if you feel overexposed by the sharing you may cover yourself with an even thicker skin.
     

     By keeping your work private until it is actually finished you may find that you have achieved intimacy with yourself, which is more important, and which is necessary to have intimacy with others.
     

     How to Begin to Create
     

     The most difficult part is knowing how to begin. The act of beginning— whether it is writing your first word on a blank piece of paper or making your first brush stroke on a blank canvas—is itself an act of individuation and can therefore be very frightening, especially for women. As women we haven’t been encouraged to create or to individuate. We have been encouraged to con- form, to follow the rules, to follow the tried and true, to stay safe. Men, on the other hand, have always been encouraged to explore, to investigate new territory, to forge new paths, to step out. No wonder beginnings are so fright- ening for us. By taking on the challenge of creating something, you are, per- haps for the first time, stepping out and forging new territory instead of following in someone else’s footsteps.
     

     In her book
     Writing for Your Life,
     Deena Metzger writes about the sub- ject of facing the fear and welcoming the creative:
     

     Beginning is difficult. We are afraid of failing. We are afraid we will have nothing to say. We are afraid that what we will say will be banal or bor- ing. We are afraid it may endanger us. We are afraid it may be a lie. We are afraid that what we say may be the truth. We are afraid of succeed- ing. We are afraid no one will notice. We are afraid someone will learn what we’ve said—and it may be ourselves. We are afraid there will be consequences. We are afraid we will pay attention. We are afraid we will have to change our lives. We are afraid we won’t be able to change. We are most afraid that we will.
     

     It is right that we are afraid. If we are fortunate, we
     will
     say something, it
     will
     be the truth, it
     will
     be eloquent, it
     will
     have power to it, we
     will
     lis- ten, and we
     will
     change our lives.
     

     Allow yourself to begin.
     

     For further reading:
     

   • Writing for Your Life
     by Deena Metzger. A beautifully written book that will help you experience the wonder of self-knowledge and the joy of creation.
     

   • The Creative Journal
     by Lucia Capacchione. A classic in the field of art therapy and creativity, it contains exercises for getting in touch with one’s feelings, dreams, and creative self as well as techniques for removing blocks to creativity.
     

   • The Artist’s Way
     by Julia Cameron. This book can help you manifest any work of art, idea, vision, project, or part of yourself. Encourages readers to write what she calls “morning pages,” which help you to get in the habit of writing every day.
     

   • Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within
     by Natalie Gold- berg.
     

   • Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
     by Anne Lamott.
     

     Step 3: Stop Looking to Romance or to a Man for Completion
     

     I may not reach [my aspirations], but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
     

     L
     OUISA
     M
     AY
     A
     LCOTT
     

     Women of Substance have rejected the erroneous belief that a woman is “nothing without a man” or “needs a man to complete her.” They realize it is useless to look for completion outside themselves. They know that they are the only ones who can make themselves feel worthy and whole. While we can look to people and activities outside ourselves for some
     validation
     of our lives and worth, ultimately it must come from within.
     

     No one can think for you, feel for you, or give your life meaning for you. As frightening as this may be to face, it is absolutely necessary that you face it head-on in order to break your dependence on others, especially men.
     

     You are no longer a child who must follow blindly the beliefs of others; you are no longer an adolescent who disowns her own feelings and beliefs to “belong.” And hopefully, after reading this book you are no longer playing the role of the helpless woman who will “die” if she can’t have the love of a cer- tain man or who spends her life trying to manipulate men into giving her love.
     

     You are an adult who can and must take an independent stand. While it no doubt will be painful at times, there is nothing more liberating and empow- ering than to realize you can rely on your own resources to pull you through even the most difficult dilemmas.
     

     This doesn’t mean you don’t reach out to others for
     connection
     . We are all dependent on one another to some degree. No woman or man can do it all alone, and even the most successful of “self-made” women and men have achieved their success through the help of others. But there is a vast differ- ence between looking to others for connection and assistance and depending on them for approval and completion.
     

     Instead of looking to a man to complete you or fill you up, ask yourself, “What is the emptiness inside of me, and how can I fill it up?” If your empti- ness is caused by not getting your needs met in childhood, begin meeting those needs yourself. Instead of looking for a new “daddy” (or “mommy”) to adopt you, become your own good parent, nurturing the needy child inside you and comforting the scared one.
     

     If your emptiness is caused by the fact that you are disconnected from your feelings, continue to work past your fears and slowly allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Each time you experience an emotion fully you fill up the emptiness inside a little more until eventually you will find you are no longer empty inside. Instead, you will be filled up with your emotions, filled up with your self.
     

     If the emptiness comes from not having a sense of purpose or meaning in your life, begin focusing your energies on discovering where your “bliss” or fulfillment lies. Another reason why men don’t tend to lose themselves in relationships as much as women is that many men have found their passion or purpose in life. As they are growing up, boys have more encouragement and more time to explore their interests and discover their passions. They are more often introduced to and taught skills such as mechanics, woodworking, electronics, and computer programming, and various forms of science-related hobbies such as astronomy, both in school and by their relatives. In contrast, it is usually only girls from privileged environments who are given the oppor- tunity to take such courses as dancing and music lessons, and few are intro- duced to hobbies that pique their interest enough to become lifelong vocations or avocations.
     

     If your emptiness comes from not having meaningful connections with others, begin to reach out to others of like mind and heart who can nurture your ideas, desires, and individuality.
     

     Most important, if your emptiness comes from not connecting with your true, authentic self, from not discovering who you really are, then
     

     continue to follow the suggestions throughout this chapter and throughout this book.
     

     For further reading:
     

   • Women and Self-Esteem
     by Linda Tschirhart Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan. Examines how women’s harmful attitudes about themselves are shaped, including the idea that they need romance or a man to com- plete them; also offers concrete help to assist you in building your self- esteem.
     

   • Follow Your Bliss
     by Hal Zina Bennett and Susan L. Sparrows. A com- prehensive guide to help you discover what excites you and gives your life meaning.
     

   • How to Find Your Mission in Life
     by Richard Bolles. A practical and supportive guide.
     

   • Creating Community Anywhere
     by Carolyn R. Shaffer and Kristina Anundsen. Offers step-by-step plans for finding and creating commu- nity.
     

   • Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams
     by Lucia Capacchione. Using collage to help you clarify your goals.