Loving Him Without Losing You (26 page)

Take Back Your Projections

Projection is the act of attributing to others those feelings and reactions that we ourselves are having but do not want to acknowledge, or in some cases, feelings that we fear we may have or have had in the past. Just as a movie cam- era
projects
an image onto a screen, we project onto others all those aspects of ourselves we are fearful of or ashamed of.

Why do we project? Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism. Therefore, we are not necessarily aware of our behavior. In fact, more often than not we are unaware of it. Projection happens whenever a trait or charac- teristic of our personality that has no relationship to consciousness becomes activated. As a result of the unconscious projection, we observe and react to this unrecognized personal trait in other people. We see in them something that is a part of ourselves but that we fail to see in ourselves.

Usually the feelings, traits, and qualities that we project onto others are ones we consider negative. Sometimes, though, we deny positive qualities and feelings as well. The former often take the form of the Shadow, while the lat- ter take the form of envy, which we will discuss later in this chapter.

To become a Woman of Substance you need to take back your projec- tions—all the disowned qualities within yourself that you attribute instead to others. For example, instead of owning their own anger, Disappearing Women will often be especially sensitive to or critical of the anger of others. Instead of owning their own neediness, they become critical of others who are needy. And instead of owning their own dishonesty, they focus on the dishonesty of the men in their lives.

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Shadow Work

For you to begin taking back your Shadow projections, you must first identify them. The following exercise will help you do so.

1. List all the qualities you do not like in other people—for instance, conceit, short temper, selfishness, bad manners, and greed.
   

2. When your list is complete, extract those characteristics that you not only dislike in others but hate, loathe, and despise.
   

This shorter list is a fairly accurate picture of your personal Shadow.

Of course, not all our criticisms of others are projections of our own unde- sirable qualities, but any time our response to another person involves exces- sive emotion or overreaction, we can be certain that something unconscious

within us is being prodded. For example, if your partner is sometimes arro- gant, it is reasonable for you to find his behavior offensive. But in true Shadow projection your condemnation of him will far exceed his demonstration of the fault, in which case it would be wise of you to examine your own behavior for arrogance.

Conflict situations, which usually bring up strong emotions and highlight important issues, provide an excellent opportunity for you to discover your Shadow projections. The next time you are in an argument with your partner and find yourself expressing intense feelings about one of his characteristics, look within yourself to see if you can find that very same attribute tucked away in some corner inside yourself.

We all have parts of ourselves that we have denied or disowned, but Women of Substance have the integrity to take back their projections. Don’t continue to avoid dealing with your own negative qualities by
projecting
them onto others or by getting involved with others who act them out for you.

Own Your Own Talents, Intelligence, and Beauty

If you tend to get involved with men who have the qualities you admire but lack, it is time for you to begin to either develop these qualities in yourself or take a closer look at yourself to find the positive qualities you do have. For example, if you have a pattern of getting involved with men who are extremely attractive and then proceed to lose yourself in the relationship by constantly fearing that the man will leave you for someone else, perhaps you need to focus instead on improving your own body image and owning your own beauty (inner and outer).

If you constantly get involved with wealthy, successful, or talented men and then proceed to get lost in the relationship because of the imbalance of power between you and your partner, perhaps it is time for you to begin creating the life you aspire to instead of trying to get it vicariously from some- one else.

After some self-reflection, Gloria Steinem began to realize that there was, in fact, a reason why she had become involved with Mort Zuckerman:

Slowly, I began to realize there might be a reason why I was attracted to someone so obviously wrong for me. If I had been drawn to a man totally focused on his own agenda,
maybe I needed to have an agenda of my own.
Finally, I began to make time to write. If I had felt comforted by the elaborate organization of his life,
maybe I needed some comfort and organization in my own.
Therefore, I enlisted the help of friends to

take the stacks of cardboard boxes out of my apartment and started the long process of making it into a pleasant place to live. I even began to save money for the first time in my life. . . . And perhaps most of all, if I had fallen in love with a powerful man, I had to realize that I was in mourning for the power women need and rarely have, myself included.

If you are like many Disappearing Women, you have spent your life envying the lives and accomplishments of others. You have felt like a child out in the cold, pressing your nose up against the windows of those who seem to have what you most desire. Some of you may have patterned your life after those you admire, emulating their behavior as a guideline for how to act and how to feel.

Now is the time to begin to dig up your own treasures instead of envying those of others, to begin focusing your attention on your own talents and pur- suing your own dreams instead of idolizing the talents and lives of others.

Own Your Envy and Your Hidden Treasures

Our Shadow includes not only our forbidden thoughts and feelings, undesir- able and rejected personality traits, but
any
aspect of ourselves that we have denied, including our talents, ambitions, and dreams. Just as we project our anger, greed, lust, and rage onto others as a way of denying these qualities within ourselves, so we also project our talents, ambitions, and dreams. This is at the core of our need to idealize others and put them on pedestals. It is also at the core of the emotion of envy.

Envy is one of our most destructive emotions. The person who envies wants to possess what the admired person holds most dear—their possessions, their good qualities, their lifestyle, their loved ones. Ultimately (albeit uncon- sciously), they want to destroy the person and take over his or her life.

Envy is at the core of our exaggerated respect of other people and the cel- ebration of their achievements. At the same time it is a rejection of the good things within ourselves, for when we envy we unconsciously project our own positive attributes onto others. The tragedy is that our envy blinds us to the good that is within ourselves.

Although it can be extremely upsetting to be faced with the realization that our Shadow includes the demons of envy and covetousness, particularly when we have endeavored to always look up to others and applaud their achievements, such acceptance allows these Shadow attitudes to provide us with the positive dimension of motivation—motivation to achieve goals, to develop ourselves, and to enrich our own lives.

When we envy others for what they have been able to achieve, our own unique gifts and talents are lost to us. Instead, we see our own neglected talents in others and feel that somehow those who possess them have taken these talents from us.

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Mining for the Gold of Your Shadow

Jung said that our Shadow is a gold mine of depth, mystery, richness, substance, knowledge, creativity, insight, and power—the very qualities we all seem to be striving for, the very qualities we admire and envy in others.

The Shadow can be positive, particularly when an individual is not living up to his or her potential. Jung said that the personal Shadow con- tains psychic features of the individual that are unlived or scarcely lived. In repressed people, the Shadow is often the most alive part of the per- sonality. Therefore, only if the Shadow is recognized and integrated will a woman be able to actualize her full potential.

The following exercises will help you come closer to reaching your Shadow and your full potential:

1. On a piece of paper or in your journal, list those qualities you most admire in other people (e.g., ambition, beauty, talent).
   

   Although you may be convinced that you could never possess such attributes, they are undoubtedly part of what William A. Miller refers to as your Golden Shadow. Begin looking for these qualities in yourself. No matter how deeply they are buried or how undeveloped they are, they are hidden somewhere inside you, and you can find them if you just keep digging.
   

2. List those qualities you most admire in your current partner. If you are not in a relationship, list those qualities you most admired in your previous relationship or in the men you are currently attracted to.
   

   These characteristics are likely to be the very attributes within yourself that you have denied. Caught up in their desire for the other person, many Disappearing Women project their own unconscious positive attributes onto the men they become romantically involved with. While the trait projected may in fact be there to some degree, usually it is there nowhere to the degree that they perceive it to be. In all likelihood the admired trait lies more within the Disappearing Woman than in the admired.
   

3. Give yourself credit for your positive attributes. Women tend to be far
   

   more self-effacing and modest than men are. In most families it is considered inappropriate for girls to point out their accomplishments or acknowledge their looks, whereas boys are encouraged to boast and build themselves up. The following exercise will help you to counter this conditioning and to recognize your positive attributes:
   

   • On a piece of paper or in your journal, list five of your most posi- tive characteristics, those attributes that you feel best about and are proudest of.
     

   • If you cannot think of five things, continue thinking about it and observing yourself until you can. If, after a week, you still cannot think of five positive attributes, ask a close friend to tell you what she values and admires most in you. Then see if you agree with any of the qualities she has named, and if you do, add them to your list. If you still cannot think of five items, work with what you have for now. Hopefully, as you continue working on owning your positive attributes, you will be able to list five attributes and possibly more.
     

   • Write your five positive attributes on an index card and place it in a conspicuous place where you will have to look at it often. Some women have placed their card on their bathroom mirror, others on their nightstand, and still others on the dashboard or taped across their ashtray in their car.
     

   • Stop to read your attributes list at least twice a day. Begin by taking a deep breath. Now read each item out loud, taking a deep breath after each item. As you take in your breath, take in the knowledge that you possess this attribute. By reading your list in this way you will gradually come to the realization that you possess these posi- tive characteristics. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, but over time this knowledge will gradually seep into your consciousness, especially if you are no longer surrounding yourself with those who counter these positive messages with criticism.
     

4. Last but certainly not least, stop comparing yourself with others.
   

When we compare ourselves with others we always end up feeling either “less than” or “better than.”

Generally speaking, comparing yourself to others only serves to increase feelings of inferiority and envy. Disappearing Women in particular tend to imagine that others have it better than they do and that others are more talented, beautiful, or lovable than they are. In reality we are all blessed with talent, we are all beautiful in our own way, and we are definitely all lovable.

Instead of wasting time comparing yourself to others, focus your time and attention on tapping your own resources. Instead of covet- ing the beauty, success, or talents of others, begin to cultivate your own. Instead of living vicariously through the men in your life, begin to develop your own talents and abilities.