Loving Him Without Losing You (27 page)

Accept That You and Others Are Both Good and Bad

As a Disappearing Woman you probably tend to perceive others as either all good or all bad. You idealize others and put them on a pedestal. Then, when they behave like normal, fallible human beings, you cast them out of your life. When people hurt you, disappoint you, or do something that seems unfair to you, you immediately see them as all bad, lacking in any redeeming qualities. But in reality, we are all both good and bad. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we’ve all disappointed and hurt others.

Many Disappearing Women maintain this all-or-nothing, black-or-white- thinking because they did not pass through a normal developmental process in childhood. They stayed stuck in a child’s way of perceiving reality.

An infant sees no distinction between herself and her mother—they are one. Eventually the child realizes that she is separate from her mother, but her mother must remain “all good” for the child to feel safe and secure. There- fore, even if a mother is a not-so-good mother, even if she leaves her baby unattended for hours or doesn’t feed her baby when she is hungry, the child cannot perceive of the mother as “bad” because she is all the child has. Nor can the child perceive the mother as “sometimes bad” (when not taking care of her needs) and “sometimes good” (when she is there to comfort and feed her baby) because the child still perceives the world in all-or-nothing terms. The child deduces, therefore, that it is she who is the bad one, not the mother, or that there is a “bad” mother and a “good” mother—two separate mothers.

In the normal course of development, most children move past this “all or nothing” view of life and begin to recognize that the “bad” mother who doesn’t come when her child cries is the same “good” mother who does come. Unfortunately, if a child is neglected or abused, she may never reach this stage of development and therefore will continue seeing others, as well as herself, as either “all good” (when she doesn’t do anything wrong) or “all bad” (when she does).

This way of thinking is not only naive and childlike but dangerous. No one is all good or all bad. We are all made up of both so-called good and bad

qualities. We all have greed, lust, fear, envy, rage, and jealousy in our hearts. And we are all capable of acting on these emotions.

As a way of denying these qualities within ourselves, we do two things. First, we put others on pedestals, attributing to them those qualities we admire and divesting them of those qualities we do not admire. So we have celebri- ties, gurus, and evangelists—and idealized romantic love. Second, we project all our so-called bad qualities onto those we deem “monsters”—those who get caught for doing what we have done or what we’ve longed to do.

Our culture teaches us from early infancy to split and polarize dark and light. But not all cultures believe this way. For example, the ancient Chinese culture emphasizes the yin-yang symbol, which shows us the white part of the personality and the black part of the personality united and overlapping inside a circle.

Shadow work—owning those aspects of ourselves we have denied— forces us again and again to take another point of view, to respond to life with our undeveloped traits and our instinctual sides, and to live what Jung called the tension of the opposites—holding both good and evil, right and wrong, light and dark, in our own hearts.

In every dark and undesirable attribute in our personality, there is an opposite
desirable
characteristic in our Shadow that we can bring into con- sciousness and employ for a richer experience of life.

And perhaps most importantly, a decision to fight the dark side of one- self can cause “the conscious” and “the unconscious” to take up adversary positions, causing us to have a split within ourselves. By embracing our Shadow we heal the split and become whole; by forming a partnership with the Shadow we gain its riches.

Becoming a Whole Person

When my client Caroline began to explore her dark side in therapy, she found that she had tried so hard to be the opposite of her mother, a very selfish woman, that her normal, healthy need to have time away from her family had become transformed into Shadow material. Her need to be
all good
had caused her to be only half a person. Once she was able to acknowledge the fact that she didn’t always have to be giving to her family and that they even got on her nerves sometimes, she stopped taking herself so seriously and regained her sense of humor. She suddenly began to have far more energy and was able to bring a new vitality to all aspects of her life—including her sex life with her husband.

Like Caroline, many people go through life bent on being good. Detached from their dark side, they are also detached from the wonderful things the

dark side offers us—passion, depth, creativity, sensuous pleasures, and a sense of humor.

When we disown our dark side, we are indeed less alive, less spirited. A rich vitality lies bottled up beneath our “acceptable” personality. Only by finding and redeeming those wishes and traits that we chronically deny in our- selves can we move toward wholeness and healing.

For example, those who are in touch with their personal Shadow are far more likely to be empathetic and compassionate toward others. Because they have owned their not-so-perfect personality traits and their forbidden thoughts and feelings, they are less likely to feel they have a right to sit in judgment of others.

Whereas judging others makes us pompous, self-righteous, and hard- hearted, empathy softens us, gives us wisdom and depth and makes us fuller, more interesting people. While judging blinds us to others, empathy helps us see others more clearly—both their positive and their negative qualities. It is like a magic telescope helping us to see inside others, to view their heart and soul.

As Carl Jung said, the dark side is 90 percent gold. But unless we can mine those riches, we are presenting to the world and to ourselves only half a person. Exploring and owning our dark sides make us whole, transforming us not into monsters but into more empathetic, less judgmental
human
beings.

Integrating your Shadow cannot be accomplished by a simple method. It is a complex, ongoing struggle that calls for commitment, dedication, and the lov- ing support of others. In the back of the book I will recommend several books you can read on the Shadow, and in appendix I, I will discuss the option of forming an Empowerment Circle of like-minded women who will offer you the support you need for Shadow work.

15

Find Your Substance

The woman’s place of power . . . is dark, it is ancient, and it is deep.

A
UDRE
L
ORDE

If we imagine . . . the individual as a larger or smaller room,

it is obvious that most people come to know only one corner of their room, one spot near the window, one narrow strip on which they keep walking back and forth. In this way they have a certain security.

R
AINER
M
ARIA
R
ILKE

The territory of the self is a vast, unexplored, and prohibited geography . . . our experiences, feelings, insights, understandings are often off-limits. As often as we are imprisoned inside ourselves, so often are we actually living in exile outside ourselves. One can say that one of the basic conditions of contemporary life is the unfulfilled longing of the self for itself.

D
EENA
M
ETZGER
,
W
RITING FOR
Y
OUR
L
IFE

Disappearing Women are often difficult to see, hear, and take seriously because they tend to be amorphous and transparent and may sometimes even appear to be shallow. They don’t have a firm foundation; they have shaky boundaries and constantly changing value systems. In other words, they don’t have enough substance.

219

Although Heather is forty-four years old, she looks and acts like a woman in her late twenties. There is a breezy quality about her, augmented by the fact that she is extremely thin and walks and moves about rapidly. Although she is very intelligent, she is often perplexed and overwhelmed by life and is con- stantly trying to figure out where to focus her attention. At any given time she is obsessing about finding either a life partner, a more meaningful career, or the right place to live.

Her life is marked by uncertainty: Should I continue to date a man even though I wouldn’t want to marry him? Should I continue working at my job because it pays well, or should I risk making less money but gain more ful- fillment doing something else? Should I continue a friendship even though the person has certain beliefs I am strongly opposed to? Should I continue trying to resolve my problems with my mother or just keep my distance from her? But mostly her life is focused on one unresolved relationship after another. She is constantly in conflict concerning a relationship with either a friend, her ex-husband, one of her siblings, her mother, or a man she is see- ing. She spends a great deal of her time in conversations with her friends, usually trying to elicit advice from them about how she can resolve a conflict

or whether she should continue a relationship.

In addition, she continually becomes swept up into one cause after another, one fad after another. If a friend becomes involved in a new cause, Heather gets caught up in it, too. She starts going to meetings, volunteers her time, and makes the issue the focus of her attention for a time. But nothing ever sticks. She inevitably becomes disillusioned with the cause, and because she has gone to such an extreme with it, she soon tires of it.

She does the same with people. She’ll get a new friend, and for a time all her old friends will hear about how wonderful this person is, how much they have in common, how much fun they had at a particular event. For a time, usu- ally a few months, her old friends won’t see her as much because she is so busy with her new friend. But soon she’ll make contact again and they’ll hear her complaining about her new friend or questioning her new friend’s ethics, beliefs, or actions. Before long, Heather is coming around as much as before, maybe even more, telling her old friends how grateful she is for their friend- ship, how she can’t believe she could have gotten so swept up with someone who is so selfish, controlling, or messed up.

I don’t mean to imply that Heather is uncaring or selfish, because she isn’t. She cares for those close to her and she can be very generous. She is just

so distracted by her internal conflicts that she can’t connect deeply, either with others or with an activity or cause.

Because of this she has been unable to sustain a romantic relationship for any extended period of time. Although she was married once, she was mis- erably unhappy during most of the marriage, and she divorced him after two years because, as she explained it to me, “I was no longer living the kind of life that meant anything to me.”

Her ex-husband, the vice president of a bank, focused most of his atten- tion on achieving status and accumulating wealth and material possessions. “I got caught up in it for a while. Buying and decorating our house, enter- taining his business associates, traveling. But then I got bored. It all seemed so empty.”

But Heather did not escape the feeling of boredom when she left her hus- band. The sad truth is that the emptiness is inside of Heather. No matter who or what she becomes involved with, she will become bored because she is looking outside of herself for meaning and purpose.

This is a kind of “Catch-22.” She frantically looks outside herself for something or someone who can fill up her emptiness, which then prevents her from focusing on herself enough to
develop
a stronger sense of self, which will, in turn, help her fill up the emptiness inside.

Become Full of Yourself

In contrast to Disappearing Women such as Heather, Women of Substance stand with their feet firmly planted on the ground. They are full of themselves, not in the derogatory sense, but full of their own emotions, ideas, beliefs, and values. Unlike the will of the wisp who can be blown over or carried away by any strong wind, a Woman of Substance is more like the sturdy oak whose roots are so firmly grounded that she can weather any storm.

Women of Substance are not likely to drop everything they are doing to be with a man, because their lives are meaningful and full. They envision a man adding to their already satisfying life instead of galloping in on a white horse to take them away to a fantasyland. Neither do they try to gain recog- nition, fame, or wealth by hitching their horse to someone else’s wagon. They know what they want, believe they can get it on their own, and fight for it until they get it.

A Woman of Substance doesn’t need validation from a man to feel good about herself and is therefore not desperate for a man. Although she wants to have an intimate, loving,
equal
relationship with a man, she doesn’t devote her life to obtaining it.

Becoming a Woman of Substance may seem like a tall order and, indeed, it is. We normally develop our sense of self or our identity when we are chil- dren, and many believe that those who missed this opportunity are always plagued with symptoms of a weak identity such as dependency, anger toward authority figures, inappropriate boundaries, and/or idealization and over- identification with adored figures. But there are some very specific steps women can take to help them develop a stronger self. In this chapter I will identify and elaborate on the steps you will need to focus on and keep focus- ing on until you have mastered them.

In the previous three chapters we focused on strategies to help you find your authentic self, your voice, and your Shadow. To become a Woman of Substance you will need to continue focusing on these areas:

• Continue to face and embrace solitude.
  

• Develop a strong inner life (introspection, dreams, journal).
  

• Recognize your needs and honor your feelings.
  

• Remain connected to your emotions and your body.
  

• Continue to communicate your needs and opinions to others.
  

• Take back your projections.
  

In this chapter we will focus on helping you complete the individuation process—a big task, and one that is best accomplished by dividing it up into steps. Unfortunately, there is not enough room in this book to fully elaborate on each step. Instead, I offer you a basic introduction and include a list of recommended books for further exploration.

By practicing the following steps you will not only get over your tendency to lose yourself with a man but also become a Woman of Substance. While these steps are listed in the recommended order, you do not have to complete one step before moving on to the next. In fact, many of the steps work together to help you achieve a more difficult task.

1. Complete your unfinished business from the past.
   

2. Become involved in some form of creative expression.
   

3. Stop looking to romance or to a man for completion.
   

4. Risk making your own decisions.
   

5. Stop giving yourself away.
   

6. Create balance in your life.
   

7. Continue to work on the individuation process.
   

   Step 1: Complete Your Unfinished Business from the Past
   

   The life which is not examined is not worth living.
   

   S
   OCRATES
   

   Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.
   

   J
   EAN
   -P
   AUL
   S
   ARTRE
   

   No matter what your childhood history is, even if it was marked by abuse and neglect, you can overcome it, get past it, and become a Woman of Substance. The key is in consciously and diligently working on completing your unfin- ished business from the past. Unfinished business can include any or all of the following: emotions you haven’t expressed, things you have left unsaid, false hopes you are still holding on to, and conflicts left unresolved.
   

   Since the need to repeat the past in an attempt to master it is a compelling, albeit unconscious drive, unless you complete your unfinished business you are destined to continue repeating the same kind of patterns, becoming involved time after time with the same type of person, repeating the same type of relationship.
   

   E
   X E R C I S E
   :
   How Much Unfinished Business Do You Have?
   

   Aside from continually being involved with the same type of unavail- able, abusive, or otherwise inappropriate partners, another sign that you have unfinished business with your parents or others from your past is the amount of time you spend thinking about the past. Answer the fol- lowing questions as honestly as possible to help determine whether you have unfinished business:
   

   • Do you think about your childhood a great deal, wishing things had been different?
     

   • Do you continually go over in your mind all the ways that your par- ent or parents neglected or abused you?
     

   • Do you constantly try to figure out why they treated you as they did?
     

   • Do you ruminate about what you would like to say to those who hurt you or what you would like to do to them?
     

   • Are you continually thinking vengeful thoughts about people in your past, planning ways of getting back at them, or hurting them?
     

   • Or do you do the opposite, completely avoid thinking about your childhood and your parents—trying to block out the pain, anger, fear, guilt, and shame?
     

     If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have unfinished business that is interfering with your current life, preventing you from being all you can be—unfinished business that likely prevents you from loving and being loved in a healthy way.
     

     

     Express Emotions from Your Past
     

     Most Disappearing Women carry with them a tremendous amount of built- up anger and pain left over from childhood. Most were not allowed to express these emotions as children, and many still fear that if they allow their feelings to come to the surface, horrible things will happen—they will hurt the feel- ings of those they love, alienate those they love, or lose control.
     

     It is vitally important to work past these fears and begin to express your pent-up emotions. Then and only then can you begin living your life in the present and stop projecting your anger and hurt onto every man you become involved with. Then and only then can you begin to genuinely trust a man.
     

     E
     X E R C I S E
     :
     Your Anger List
     

   • Begin by making a list of all the people you are angry with (e.g., your parents, your siblings for calling you an airhead, the teacher who sex- ually harassed you, your first boyfriend for having sex with you and then dumping you).
     

   • Rank your list, giving the person you have the most anger toward a
     

     #1 and so forth.
     

   • Make a commitment to yourself to do something toward resolving your anger toward each person on your list.
     

     If you have a great deal of fear about releasing your anger, begin at the bottom of your list and work your way up. Each attempt will give you the encouragement to move up farther on your list until you’ve reached those you are most afraid to deal with.
     

     If you feel pumped up and ready to go, tackle the most difficult people first and make your way down the list until you have com- pleted all your unfinished business.
     

   • Decide which method you wish to use to confront each person (e.g., face-to-face, on the telephone, in a letter you do not send, in a letter
     

     that you do send). Refer to chapter 13 for suggestions on how to release your anger and pain, including how to do so if the person is not available or if it is too risky to encounter the person directly. For those of you who were sexually abused, please refer to my book
     The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse
     for suggestions about how to confront a perpetrator as well as mem- bers of your family whom you felt did not protect you.
     

     

     Let Go of False Hope
     

     In addition to releasing emotions from the past, you also need to let go of false hope. For example, a major part of resolving your relationship with your par- ents may be letting go of any false hope that you will ever get from them what you didn’t get as a child. If you were severely neglected or abused as a child, instead of staying lost in fantasies of false hope, you need to mourn the loss of your childhood, and some of you may also have to acknowledge that your parents will never be the loving, supportive parents you always wanted them to be.
     

     In addition, you will need to acknowledge that no one is going to come along and bestow on you what you so longed to get from your parents. It is now up to you to begin to nurture yourself.
     

     In her book
     Necessary Losses,
     Judith Viorst writes about this:
     

     For we cannot climb into a time machine, become that long-gone child and get what we want when we oh so desperately wanted it. The days for that getting are over, finished, done. We have needs we can meet in dif- ferent ways, in better ways, in ways that create new experiences. But until we can mourn the past, until we can mourn and let go of the past, we are doomed to repeat it.
     

     Become Your Own Good Parent
     

     Even though you cannot expect anyone else to give to you what you were deprived of as a child, you can begin to provide these things for yourself. Becoming your own good parent, giving yourself the nurturing and caring that you are still so much in need of, is an important part of completing your unfin- ished business. Once you have done so you will feel less resentful of those in your childhood who deprived or abused you, and you will be less needy and dependent in your relationships.
     

     E
     X E R C I S E
     :
     Your Childhood Wish List
     

     The following exercise will help you determine which of your needs and desires were not met as a child.
     

     • List all the things you wish you had received in childhood but did not. This list tells you the things that you now need to do for yourself.
       

     • Begin today to meet some of these needs. When you have success- fully met one, cross it off your list, and focus on the next item. Don’t get overwhelmed and feel you have to do everything on the list at once. Take your time and relish the little steps—whether you’re able to cross one item off the list a week or one item a month, you’re starting to take care of your needs, and that’s what matters most.