Loving Him Without Losing You (34 page)

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If you fall on the extreme end of the continuum, making the decision to seek professional psychotherapy will be the most important decision you can make. It can mean the difference between living a life in which you are so plagued with alternating feelings of abandonment and engulfment that you are unable to sustain a relationship, and one in which you are able to reach such a state of calmness and security within yourself that a relationship no longer throws you into a state of panic, fear, rage, or confusion.

I would appreciate hearing about how this book has affected you, how you put my suggestions into practice, and whether you have been successful in maintaining your sense of self in your relationships with men since reading the book. You can write me at:

Beverly Engel

P.O. Box 6412

Los Osos, CA 93412-6412

Now that you realize you are not alone with your problem of losing your- self in relationships, you may feel motivated to connect with other women. I have created a web site:
www.BeverlyEngel.com where you can meet other Disappearing Women.

This web site will also provide more information on the problem of women losing themselves in relationships, answer questions, provide infor- mation on how to start a Woman of Substance support group, and supply a number where you can receive email or phone counseling.

References

Unattributed quotations are from interviews conducted by the author.

Salomon Grimberg,
Frida Kahlo
(New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 1997). Martha Zamora,
Frida Kahlo: The Brush of Anguish
(San Francisco: Chronicle

Books, 1990).

Linda Tschirhart Sanford, and Mary Ellen Donovan,
Women and Self-Esteem
(New York: Penguin, 1984).

Michael Gurian,
A Fine Young Man
(New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1998).

Chris Evatt,
He and She: A Lively Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex
(New York: MJF Books, 1992).

Anne Moir and David Jessel,
Brain Sex
(New York: Carol Publishing Group, 1991). Ernest Hartmann,
Boundaries of the Mind: A New Psychology of Personality
(New

York: Basic Books, 1991).

Victoria Secunda,
Women and Their Fathers
(New York: Delacorte Press, 1991). Mary Pipher,
Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
(New York:

G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1994).

DSM-IV, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1994).

Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., and Hal Straus,
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
(Los Angeles: Price Stern Sloan, 1989).

Grimberg,
Frida Kahlo.

Alice Koller,
An Unknown Woman: A Journey of Self-Discovery
(New York: Bantam Books, 1981).

Secunda,
Women and Their Fathers.

279

Zamora,
Frida Kahlo: The Brush of Anguish

Gloria Steinem,
Revolution from Within
(Boston: Little, Brown, 1992).

Carolyn G. Heilbrun,
The Education of a Woman: The Life of Gloria Steinem
(New York: The Dial Press, 1995).

Judith Viorst,
Necessary Losses
(New York: Fawcett, 1986).

Carol Gilligan,
In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development

(Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1993).

Drew Barrymore,
Little Girl Lost
(New York: Pocket Books, 1990).

Joanne Wieland-Burston,
Contemporary Solitude
(York Beach, Maine: Nicolas-Hays, 1996).

May Sarton,
Journal of a Solitude
(New York: W. W. Norton, 1977). Koller,
An Unknown Woman.

Gilligan,
In a Different Voice.

Natalie Goldberg,
Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within
(Boston: Shambhala, 1986).

Linda Schierse Leonard,
The Wounded Woman: Healing the Father-Daughter Rela- tionship
(Boston: Shambhala, 1985).

Steinem,
Revolution from Within.

William A. Miller,
Your Golden Shadow
(San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1989). Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams,
Meeting the Shadow
(Los Angeles: Jeremy P.

Tarcher, 1991).

Viorst,
Necessary Losses.

Deena Metzger,
Writing for Your Life: A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds

(San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992).

Janice M. Cauwels,
Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of Borderline Personality Disorder
(New York: W. W. Norton, 1992).

Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger,
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
(Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger, 1998).

Kreisman and Straus,
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Wieland-Burston,
Contemporary Solitude.

Bibliography and Recommended Reading

In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development
by Carol Gilli- gan. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1993.

Revolution from Within
by Gloria Steinem. Boston: Little, Brown, 1992.

Women and Love
by Shere Hite. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1987.

Women and Their Fathers
by Victoria Secunda. New York: Delacorte Press, 1992.

The Wounded Woman: Healing the Father-Daughter Relationship
by Linda Schierse Leonard. Boston: Shambhala, 1985.

The Men in Our Lives: Fathers, Lovers, Husbands, Mentors
by Elizabeth Fishel. New York: William Morrow, 1985.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
by Mary Pipher. New York:

G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1994.

A Fine Young Man
by Michael Gurian. New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1998.

Boundaries in the Mind: A New Psychology of Personality
by Ernest Hartman. New York: Basic Books, 1991.

Boundaries and Relationships
by Charles Whitfield. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1993.

Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know
by Barbara DeAngelis. New York: Delacorte Press, 1990.

281

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
by John Gray. New York: HarperCollins, 1992.

He and She: A Lively Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex
by Chris Evatt. New York: MJF Books, 1992.

You Just Don’t Understand
by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

Brain Sex
by Anne Moir and David Jessel. New York: Carol Publishing, 1991.

An Unknown Woman: A Journey of Self-Discovery
by Alice Koller. New York: Ban- tam Books, 1981.

Journal of a Solitude
by May Sarton. New York: W. W. Norton, 1977.

Contemporary Solitude
by Joanne Wieland-Burston. York Beach, Maine: Nicolas- Hays, 1996.

Life’s Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest
by Christina Baldwin. New York: Bantam Books, 1990.

The Creative Journal: The Art of Finding Yourself
by Lucia Capacchione. North Hollywood, Calif.: Newcastle, 1979.

Harvesting Your Journals
by Rosalie Deer Heart and Alison Strickland. San Cristo- bal, N.M.: Heart Link Publications, 1999.

The Artist’s Way
by Julie Cameron. New York: Tarcher, 1992.

The Creative Journal
by Lucia Capacchione. North Hollywood, CA: Newcastle, 1989.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within
by Natalie Goldberg. Boston: Shambhala, 1986.

Writing for Your Life: A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds
by Deena Metzger.

San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992.

In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love That You Want
by Iyanla Vanzant.

New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998.

The Thirst for Wholeness: Attachment, Addiction, and the Spiritual Path
by Christina Grof. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1993.

The Care of the Soul
by Thomas Moore. New York: HarperCollins, 1992.

Journey of Awakening
by Ram Dass. New York: Bantam Books, 1978; rev. ed., 1990.

The Dance of Anger
by Harriet Lerner. New York: Harper & Row, 1985.

Getting the Love You Want
by Harville Hendrix. New York: Henry Holt, 1988.

Making Peace with Your Parents
by Harold Bloomfield. New York: Ballantine Books, 1983.

Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parent
s by Howard Halpern. New York: Bantam Books, 1976.

Necessary Losses
by Judith Viorst. New York: Fawcett, 1986.

Divorcing a Parent
by Beverly Engel. New York: Fawcett, 1991.

Families in Recovery: Working Together to Heal the Damage of Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Beverly Engel. Los Angeles: Lowell House, 1994; rev. ed., 2000.

Forgive and Forget
by Lewis B. Smedes. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1984.

Forgiving and Not Forgiving
by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. New York: Avon Books, 1999.

Your Golden Shadow
by William A. Miller. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1989.

The Invisible Partners
by John A. Sanford, New York: Paulist Press, 1980.

Meeting the Shadow
by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams. Los Angeles: Jeremy

P. Tarcher, 1991.

A Little Book of the Human Shadow
by Robert Bly. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1988.

The Woman’s Comfort Book
by Jennifer Louden. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992.

The Woman’s Retreat Book
by Jennifer Louden. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997.

Women and Self-Esteem
by Linda Tschirhart Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan. New York: Penguin, 1984.

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
by Jerold Kreisman, M.D., and Hal Straus. Los Angeles: Price Stern Sloan, 1989.

Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of Borderline Personality Disorder
by Janice Cauwels. New York: W. W. Norton, 1992.

The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age
by James Masterson. New York: The Free Press, 1988.

Stop Walking on Eggshells
by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger, 1998.

Calling the Circle: The First and Future Culture
by Christina Baldwin. New York: Bantam Books, 1998.