Loving Him Without Losing You (14 page)

By putting aside her career and previous life to be with author Philip Roth, Claire Bloom, the beautiful actress of stage and screen, set herself up for a relationship that robbed her of her very self.

In her 1996 memoir
Leaving a Doll’s House,
Bloom recounts how, dur- ing a business trip to New York (she lived in London), she and Philip became very close (within a few days, of course) and admitted they were in love with one another. When she overheard him talking on the telephone with a close male friend confirming plans to leave together in a few days for a vacation in the Caribbean, she became very hurt. She had planned on spending the time she had left in New York with him and couldn’t understand why he didn’t cancel his previous plans with his friend. Instead of recognizing the sensibil- ity in maintaining his separate life since they were, after all, a new couple, she experienced this as rigidity.

This is typical of Disappearing Women who tend to rearrange their lives to accommodate a new lover and then resent the fact that he is unwilling to do the same.

On the other hand, by maintaining your usual routine you send the mes- sage that you are not desperate for a man, that your life and your needs are important to you, and that they will continue to be important even after you are in a relationship. This, in turn, will attract healthier men who are more capable of equal relationships.

It is equally important for women who are already in a serious relation- ship to maintain their separate identity by continuing to have interests and friends of their own and by spending time alone to reconnect with themselves. Unfortunately, once a woman is married or in a serious relationship, she tends to drop her previous interests and even her friends unless they are peo- ple who can become friends of both her and her mate. Men, on the other hand, tend to hold on to their friends and fight for their right to maintain their pre-

vious interests (golf on Saturday, boys’ night out, tinkering in the garage). During Claire’s and Philip’s relationship, even during the first few months,

when their love was new, Philip maintained his daily routine of going into his studio each day to work on his novels. Claire not only put her career on hold but also patiently waited for him all day to return.

The sweetness and simplicity of the life we led there in those early days more than compensated for any sense that my other life, that of an actress, was in danger of getting lost. I was happy and cheerful in the mornings, until Philip left to go to his studio; then I began to wonder how I was going to get through the day. I took long walks, planned elab- orate menus, I read; but my time was really passed in waiting until Philip came back in the afternoon.

You can see how putting her life on hold left Bloom feeling restless and at loose ends. Without a structure to help define her she was in grave danger of getting lost, which is, in fact, what happened.

Your interests and activities are partly what define you, make you the unique person you are. When you start giving these things up to be with your lover, you are giving up important aspects of yourself, aspects that will be difficult to recapture if your relationship doesn’t continue. Even if your relationship continues, why be less than a full person?

It is also important to note that your hobbies and activities are what make you an interesting person and what made you attractive to your new lover in

the first place. Remember this whenever you are tempted to cancel previous plans or set aside your obligations, interests, or hobbies to be with him.

Most men, with the exception of those who are insecure or need to con- trol their partners, do not want them to give up their interests to spend more time with them. This is what my client Vincent told me:

The reason I was attracted to Natalie in the first place was that she was so vibrant and exciting. She was involved in so many interesting organ- izations and activities. She always had so much to talk about. Then once we got involved she seemed to drop them all, one by one. Sure, I wanted to spend time with her, but I never asked her to give up the things she loved.

After a while Natalie stopped having anything interesting to talk about. I tried to keep up the conversation, but frankly, I was getting bored. We became like an old married couple eating our dinner in silence! It just wasn’t fun anymore.

You’ve no doubt heard this story before. Don’t let yourself fall into this trap! Continue taking your night classes, continue your weekly tennis game with the girls, keep up your charity work. All these things add to the depth and breadth of who you are.

As my client Hayley told me:

When Dylan broke our engagement he complained to me that one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because I was so socially conscious, so involved with helping the homeless and cleaning up the environ- ment. But once we started getting serious I stopped those activities and concentrated on the relationship. My priority became making him happy and spending time with him. He said it all became too much—that focusing all my energy on him made him feel smothered. It made him wonder whether I’d been that committed to the homeless and the envi- ronment in the first place if I’d drop them like that. He even began to worry whether I could really be committed to him. I wish I’d known then what I know now. And I want to warn other women not to make the same mistake.

Unfortunately, some of you reading this book don’t have any other activ- ities or hobbies besides looking for a man. If this is your situation, my advice to you is to start to develop some now. If you don’t, you won’t have much to

offer a man in the first place. And you won’t have a buffer to protect you from losing yourself in a relationship once you are in one. (In part III I’ll help those of you who are unaware of your interests to discover them.)

Maintain Time for Yourself and Time to Take Care of Yourself

While it’s perfectly natural to want to spend as much time as you possibly can with your partner, you must never do so at the expense of taking care of your- self. Canceling a doctor’s appointment to spend the day with your new lover may seem like an innocuous thing to do, but it symbolizes a lack of commit- ment to taking care of yourself above all else, and it is a subtle yet significant step toward losing yourself in the relationship. If you have a weekly ritual of spending a quiet night at home, taking a leisurely bath, and catching up with friends on the phone, don’t sacrifice this important time to be with your partner.

Unfortunately, many women tend to take better care of themselves when they are not in a relationship, as was the case with Joey, thirty-two. Before Joey met Patrick she worked out regularly and took a weekly meditation class to help reduce the stress of her high-powered job. But once she began to date Patrick she dropped the class to spend more time with him, and before long she also stopped working out as often.

I just didn’t have time enough to do all the things I did before and still have time for Patrick. But gradually I noticed that I started getting sick more often and I started gaining weight. I told myself I needed to get back to my meditation class and my workouts, but somehow it always seemed more important to be with Patrick.

After we’d been together for about seven months Patrick started telling me we should spend less time together, that he felt smothered. And he started telling me I was getting too fat and encouraged me to go back to the gym. I felt so stupid. Here I’d sacrificed my health to be with him and he not only didn’t appreciate it, he felt
smothered
. I vowed I’d never do that again.

Not only does maintaining time for yourself help prevent you from los- ing yourself in a relationship, it also can improve an existing relationship and help a new one remain fresh and exciting. Most men have more of a need for

distance and space in a relationship than women, and most can handle only a certain amount of closeness before they begin to feel smothered or engulfed and begin to pull away. Unfortunately, many men don’t know how to tell their partners when they need distance. Instead, they grow silent, work late, or go out with the boys, which in turn usually causes women to feel abandoned. But when a woman maintains time for herself, she also gives her partner needed space, thereby eliminating or at the very least minimizing his need for space. This will make the time they spend together valued time for both of them.

Maintain Your Own Friends and Social Life

While it is tempting to want to spend all of your free time with your partner, it is very important to maintain the friendships and social life you had before you met him. Although it may not seem the case, you need your social life and friendships now as much as ever—they are part of what makes you who you are. Equally important, you will need to have your social life intact in case the relationship doesn’t work.

Marci, twenty-five, one of the women I interviewed for this book, told me the story of how she put her boyfriend ahead of her friend and ended up regret- ting it:

When I first got involved with Todd I have to admit I neglected my friendship with Loretta for a while. You know how it is in the beginning of a love affair. You get so wrapped up in each other it’s hard to tear your- self away. But before long I started to miss her—Loretta’s been my best friend since grammar school, and we’ve always been there for each other. And I felt guilty about neglecting her. So I told Todd she and I were going to spend all day the following Sunday together.

Well, I could never have anticipated his reaction! He was so hurt that I would be willing to give up one of our days together. We went around and around about it and finally, in desperation, I called Loretta and asked if Todd could come, too. I could tell by her voice that she was hurt, but she agreed.

That Sunday was one of the worst days I ever spent. I was
so
uncom- fortable. Loretta and Todd had absolutely nothing in common, and you

could tell that they didn’t like each other. You could have cut the tension with a knife. I vowed to never try that again.

That meant I also didn’t see Loretta very much after that. I just didn’t want to have to hassle with Todd each and every time. I hoped Loretta would understand.

Todd and I were involved for only six months. I just got to the place where I couldn’t take his possessiveness and his temper. When we broke up, the first thing I wanted to do was get together with Loretta. I’d missed her so much, and I wanted to tell her all about our breakup and how she’d been right about Todd all along. But I could tell by her voice that she wasn’t eager to get together—that she was hurt. She told me she was too busy—that she didn’t have time to see me. I knew she was just getting back at me for not seeing her, so I kept trying. But she was really hurt and she wasn’t budging.

I felt pretty lonely without Todd, but I was amazed to discover that I felt even more lonely without Loretta. I guess I never realized just how much she meant to me, and the thought of losing our friendship was dev- astating. It took a lot of apologizing and a lot of reassurance from me that I would never do that again before Loretta finally agreed to resume our friendship, and in some ways I don’t think she’ll ever trust me fully again. But believe me, I’m never going to let her down again. I’ve learned my lesson.

Many Disappearing Women are too quick to put their friendships aside to be with their new lover, but it is important to remember that up until now (and possibly in the future) your friendships have been the most stable rela- tionships you’ve had. Your friends have probably been there for you through all your ups and downs, good times and bad. They’ve probably grown to accept you for who you are. And they’ve probably seen you through many a crisis.

Don’t underestimate how important this history together has been and will continue to be. Many women, especially by the time they reach their thir- ties and forties, realize that while their relationships with men come and go, their friends have been a constant in their life, a very important constant.

While it’s great if your partner likes your friends and vice versa, it isn’t necessary, so don’t try to force them to socialize together. In fact, it’s impor- tant to maintain your friendships separate from your romantic relationships.

Many couples I’ve worked with who insisted on bringing their friends and lovers together have suffered because of it.

It is natural for you to feel a bit territorial about your friends and not to want to share them with your partner. If your friends become buddy-buddy with your new partner, you may end up feeling a bit abandoned. After all, they were your friends first.

Also, if you have an argument with your partner, you may not feel as comfortable talking to your friends about it if they, too, have become close to him.

Even after marriage, each individual in the relationship should feel free to maintain and seek out separate friends. No one person can satisfy all our needs, and yet some couples take the words “forsaking all others” a little too seriously. Those women who are able to successfully maintain their sense of self in a relationship are those who view the relationship as only one of many ways in which they are connected to other people.

Do Not Allow Yourself to Become Isolated

Once in a relationship, do not allow yourself to become isolated from others. Becoming isolated can cause you to derive too much of your self-esteem from your partner. It makes you especially sensitive to rejection and causes you to become emotionally dependent on him. This was the case with Summer, a twenty-three-year-old client: