Loving Him Without Losing You (18 page)

• 1. M
     ORE
     W
     ARNING
     S
     IGNS OF A
     P
     ATTERN
     

     Any or all of the following warning signs may also help alert you to a pattern:
     

     • You can’t really explain why you like him, you just do.
       

     • He’s your “type.”
       

     • Whenever you’re around him it’s so intense it feels like there is elec- tricity in the air.
       

     • Something about him feels very familiar.
       

     • You feel so comfortable with him, like you’ve known each other all your lives.
       

     • You develop extremely intense feelings toward him in a very short time.
       

     • You find yourself doing things you never imagined you’d do with him, things that just aren’t like you.
       

     • Ever since you met him you’ve been obsessive—you can’t get him out of your mind.
       

  Once recognized, these patterns can be broken by finishing up your unfin- ished business from the past. We’ll discuss this further in part III.
  

  For now, begin by saying no to an intense attraction to a man who is your “type,” and be willing to go out with a man when the intense attraction is not there. This may seem boring at first, but give it a chance.
  

  Confusing the Present with the Past
  

  Another way women step out of reality is to confuse the present with the past. For example, Disappearing Women have a tendency to compare their current boyfriend to someone in the past, whether it be a previous lover, their father, grandfather, or brother.
  

  Just because a current lover broke a date doesn’t mean he is always going to disappoint you, as your father did. Sure, the feelings of rejection and dis- appointment may
  feel
  the same, and it may bring terrible memories flooding back into your mind, but you must remind yourself that he is
  not
  your father, this is the first time he has done this, and you need to give him a chance.
  

  To prevent the past from contaminating the present, I suggest you try the following strategies:
  

• Take responsibility for your reactions.
  Instead of blaming your partner for your reaction or immediately assuming that he is just like someone from your past, first allow yourself to process the feelings that have been stirred up. Then, once you are clearer, see if you can make a connection with the past.
  

• Learn from the past, but don’t dwell on it.
  This is especially true for those who have been hurt in past relationships with men. Take responsibility for releasing your past pain and anger either through therapy or self-help pro- grams, and then work toward learning to trust again. This will take time, and you can do it by taking baby steps, but you can’t allow the past to contam- inate every new relationship.
  

• Become familiar with your buttons.
  Each of us has buttons that get pushed—triggers that set us off emotionally. It may be a situation that reminds us of the past, or something someone says that reminds us of what someone from the past said to hurt us. Getting your buttons pushed can send you into a tizzy without warning, causing you to become enraged, deeply hurt, fearful, or depressed. For example, those who were emotion- ally or verbally abused as children often have strong reactions to verbal comments such as “You’re lying,” “You’re crazy,” “You don’t know what
  

you’re talking about,” “You’re stupid,” “I don’t believe you,” “I can’t trust you,” or “You’re too fat (skinny, tall, thin, etc.).”

Make a list of your buttons. The next time your partner uses one of these phrases, tell him you do not want him to use it again, that it hurts you deeply and reminds you of your past. If he seems to be sympathetic, you may wish to share your entire list, explaining why each phrase upsets you so much. While you’re at it, you might wish to ask him to make his own button list and share it with you.

It obviously requires a great deal of trust on your part to share this kind of information, since knowing your particular buttons can give your part- ner ammunition with which to deliberately hurt you. If you have not estab- lished this kind of trust, by all means do not set yourself up for any more hurt by sharing this information.

Your current partner may be constantly pushing your buttons and reminding you of the past, so it is important that you find ways to bring yourself back into the present.

It is unfair of you to hold your current partner responsible for what oth- ers have done to you, and it is unhealthy for you to live in the past in this way. By working on differentiating the past from the present you will begin to feel less insecure or intimidated by your current partner and will be more likely to respond to him as an adult, not as a child. The following suggestions will help you make this distinction:

1. Determine who your partner reminds you of.
   

2. Make a list of the ways in which your partner is different from this person.
   

3. Whenever you are reminded of a person from the past, make sure you look at your current partner in the face and bring yourself back to the present. Remind yourself of who you are with now.
   

   This last step is especially important for those who were sexually abused as children. Certain things that partners say and do, particularly when they are making love, can remind survivors of the abuser and cause them to confuse their partner with their abuser, as was the case with my client Lupe:
   

   “Sometimes, when my husband and I are having sex, I will freeze. I don’t know if it’s the way he’s breathing or the smells in the room or what, but suddenly I feel like I’m with my father all over again.”
   

   I suggested that at these times Lupe open her eyes and really look at her husband’s face and tell herself that she is not with her father but her husband. After several weeks she shared with me the following:
   

   “It’s really helping for me to open my eyes like you suggested. In the past we’d have to stop altogether because I was so freaked out, but now we just stop for a little while and I’m okay to continue. Sometimes we both keep our eyes open and it makes our lovemaking much more intense and loving.”
   

   As much as your partner may remind you of one of your parents, or of someone who abused or rejected you, he is not that person. Continue to work toward differentiating the past from the present so you can see him for who he really is and your relationship for the way it really is instead of as a replay of past relationships.
   

   Learn to Stay in the Present
   

   Learning to stay in the present takes practice and attention, but it can be very rewarding. The more you do it, the more you will be able to do it. The fol- lowing suggestions may help.
   

   • Catch yourself in the act of fantasizing about the future or reliving the past.
     Bring your focus into the present by deep breathing.
     

   • Complete the following exercise each time you drift into the past or the future.
     

1. Take a deep breath.
   

2. Whether you are sitting or standing, plant your feet firmly on the ground.
   

3. Take another deep breath and clear your eyes by opening them wide and looking around the room.
   

At first you may be able to be present for only a short time before your eyes glaze over or you go into fantasy, but soon you will be able to do it for longer and longer periods of time and will notice when you have been lost in a dream of the future or a memory of the past.

Staying out of fantasy and in the present may make life more difficult for you at first, since you’ll be forced to deal with reality, but ultimately it will save you a great deal of pain. Think of it this way: by enduring the discomfort of facing the present and reality today, you will save yourself the devastation of yet another painful breakup, yet another rude awakening when you are forced to face who he really is or what the relationship has really been about. Besides, by staying in fantasy and in the future or the past, you miss the every- day joys of reality—and of your relationship.

Loving Him

It is very unloving to arbitrarily slip a man into one of your preconceived fan- tasies as if he were a missing puzzle piece. By doing this you are essentially saying that your fantasy is more important than he is. No one wants to be objectified in this way.

It also isn’t very loving of you to punish your present partner for what pre- vious partners have done. There are some very good men out there who appreciate good women if given the chance. Don’t blow your chance at find- ing or keeping one by making assumptions about him. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

9

Commitment 5

D
ON
’
T
G
O
C
HANGING T O

T
RY T O
P
LEASE
H
IM

We must never allow another person’s limited perceptions to define us.

V
IRGINIA
S
ATIR

There’s nothing wrong with you. Anyone who says something is wrong is wrong.

R
ENAIS
J
EANNE
H
ILL

One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for who you are.

G
AIL
G
ODWIN

I feel like such a fool. I don’t know what got into me. After all, I’m not some lovesick teenager. I can’t believe I was willing to give up my house, leave my friends, and change my entire life for that man. Thank God my friends took me aside and warned me that he was just after my money.

G
ERALDINE
,
AGE SIXTY
-
TWO

Women are far more likely than men to try to change themselves to please their partner. This tendency is one of the primary ways women lose them- selves in relationships with men. Women will try to change their behavior, their values, their looks, even their personalities if they believe it means pleasing their partner, ensuring his love, his fidelity, or his presence in their

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lives. Unfortunately, many women believe that the way to keep a man is to do whatever he wants. Time and time again clients have told me, “I thought if I did everything he asked me to do he wouldn’t have a reason to leave me.”

Why are women so much more willing to change themselves? There are several reasons:

1. As discussed earlier, women tend to have thinner boundaries than men. This causes women to be less rigid and more easily influenced by their partners’ perceptions of them and to be more open to changing them- selves to please their partners.
   

2. Women also have been raised to believe that they must be the more flexi- ble ones in a relationship, and many women take pride in their ability to adapt to situations and “go with the flow” versus what they view as men’s tendency to be rigid or uptight.
   

3. Being sensitive to the needs of others and to creating harmony in rela- tionships, women, to their credit, tend to do whatever they can to change aspects of their behavior they come to believe are hurtful to their partner or disruptive to the relationship. Men, on the other hand, fearful of being smothered by a woman, tend to become defensive and to convince them- selves that her complaints have no merit.
   

4. Women tend to have less self-confidence than men. This is especially true when it comes to women’s bodies. In numerous research studies it has been shown that most males are satisfied with the way they look, whereas most females are not. This makes women particularly vulnerable to the com- ments and suggestions their partners make about how they should improve their appearance.
   

5. Women are far more likely to become involved with men who have more power, more money, or more achievements than they do. This type of unequal relationship sets the stage for women changing themselves to please their partner, since women in these kinds of relationships tend to feel they must work extra hard to keep a powerful man’s interest.
   

   How Women Change to Please Their Partners
   

   The most prevalent type of changes women make to please their partners are to their appearance, especially to the contours of their body.
   Every year thousands of women go on dangerous diets or undergo needless cosmetic sur- gery in attempts to please their partner and become more like what men say they want in women.
   

1. A
   LENA
   : W
   HEN
   E
   VEN
   P
   ERFECT
   W
   ASN
   ’
   T
   G
   OOD
   E
   NOUGH
   

   This was the case with my client Alena, age twenty-nine, who, during her four-year relationship, underwent three cosmetic surgeries in order to please her partner, Mitchell.
   

   Mitchell made it very clear to me that he preferred women with larger breasts. We couldn’t go anywhere without him craning his neck to get a better look at a large-chested woman. I felt so inadequate with my A cups that I couldn’t stand it.
   

   After my breast augmentation I felt so happy. Mitchell loved them, and he acted so proud of me it was worth the expense and the pain. He even took me to Bermuda to celebrate. He bought me some new bikinis and told me he loved walking down the beach with me and watching the other guys drool over me.
   

   But shortly after we got back he started talking to me about my thighs being too big. I started working out, but I had those kind of thighs that don’t really change that much with exercise. Then one night we saw a television program on liposuction. It showed how they could suck the excess fat right out of my thighs. I really didn’t want to do it because it looked so gross, but Mitchell thought I should look into it, so I did. My doctor told me I was a good candidate for it and confirmed my belief that I’d never get my thighs to change any other way, so I finally agreed to do it. The procedure went smoothly, and the results were noticeable.
   

   Mitchell just loved the new look, and I was pretty happy with it, too. He seemed to want to make love to me more, and that made it worth it. But it wasn’t long before he was talking about my nose. He told me that I was nearly perfect, that with just a little nose job I’d be gorgeous. I knew my nose was a little too long, but I hadn’t known it bothered him so much. When he offered to pay for it this time, I finally agreed.
   

   Now that I was “perfect,” I assumed Mitchell would finally be happy with me, and he was for a while. But I noticed he still looked at other women, and before long he started in on my weight. It finally began to sink in that Mitchell was never going to be happy with the way I looked, that he was always going to find something wrong with me. When I told him I was happy with the way I looked and that I felt
   he
   had a problem,
   

   he blew up and accused me of being an ungrateful brat who didn’t appre- ciate all he’d done for me. He told me, “If it hadn’t been for me, you’d still be a flat-chested, long-nosed excuse for a woman. I
   made you
   into the woman you are today, and this is the thanks I get!”
   

   That did it. I suddenly saw the real Mitchell, and I didn’t like who I saw. Looking back on it all now, I wish I’d have been strong enough to walk away from him long before I did. I want a man who loves me for who I am inside, not just for how I look.
   

   The second most common change Disappearing Women make to please their partner is their tendency to submerge their need for verbal intimacy with their partner.
   One of the biggest differences most couples have is their com- munication styles. Women complain that men don’t talk about their feelings enough, that they don’t open up and share their personal thoughts and plans, and that they don’t take responsibility for the negative or sarcastic statements they make about their female partners. Men complain that women try to force conversation or force them to open up, that they nag too much, that they are always trying to stir up trouble.
   

   While men may complain about their partner’s communication style, most will not do much about changing their own. Many women, on the other hand, not only give up trying to draw their male partners into conversation but eventually come to believe that the problem lies within themselves—that they are “too emotional” and “too needy.” In the end, both the man and the woman agree that he’s not to blame for being unable to meet her needs, and that she was wrong for having such needs in the first place.
   

   Finally, women are far more likely to bend their values and change their beliefs to make themselves more compatible with those of their partner.