Loving Him Without Losing You (13 page)

Some women are afraid to ask for what they want sexually for fear of being rejected. If they are able to ask at all, they couch their requests in indi-

rect language, hoping their wishes will be understood but protecting them- selves in case they’re not. Unfortunately, the fear of not getting what they want can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t ask for what you want directly, your partner may never know what you really desire. And if you inter- pret not getting what you want as a confirmation that you were right not to ask because you wouldn’t have gotten what you wanted anyway, then you won’t make your needs known the next time either. Although it is difficult, being vulnerable with your partner by openly communicating your sexual prefer- ences is an excellent way of building trust in him.

Many women also have the erroneous belief that the best way to com- municate their desires to their partner is to do to him what they would like their partner to do to them. Unfortunately, this method of communication leaves just too much room for miscommunication. The main drawback to nonverbal communication is that it can be misunderstood. Often verbal com- munication is necessary to straighten out confusion created by nonverbal communication.

In a survey conducted by Philip and Lorna Sarrel, sex therapists at Yale University, it was found that among women who told their partners exactly how they like to be touched, seven out of ten indicated they have orgasms “every time” or “almost every time” they make love. The Sarrels concluded that the ability to share thoughts and feelings about sex with your partner is the single most important factor in a good sexual relationship. They also found that the good communicators had intercourse more often and were more likely to be satisfied with its frequency.

How to Talk to Your Partner about Sex

Many sex experts feel that the best time to talk about sexual matters is not when you’re ready to have sex, or during sex, but at some other time. Then you and your partner will both be less likely to perceive suggestions and infor- mation as criticism. Make sure you don’t bring up the subject during an argu- ment or a disagreement.

Your first attempts at communication are likely to be somewhat awkward, but picking a time when you and your partner are both relaxed and when you feel close to one another will enhance the possibility of good communication and make it a little less uncomfortable. You may want to begin the conversa- tion on a long walk or drive or use a book or television program to initiate the discussion. Just make sure you won’t be distracted or interrupted and that one or both of you are not preoccupied with something else.

If you have been in a relationship for a while but have been unable to be honest about your preferences, open the conversation by reassuring your

partner that you wish to continue the relationship or by expressing your love for him. You may want to say that you don’t believe you’ve adequately com- municated your needs in the past, or reassure your partner that you are not blaming him. Then begin to discuss your concerns about your sexual rela- tionship, which of your needs are not being met, and the changes you wish to occur in the relationship. Finally, encourage your partner to share his feel- ings and any suggestions that might make lovemaking more satisfying to both of you.

Tell the Truth about How You Feel

It is especially important to tell the truth about how you feel. Although women are far more in touch with their emotions than men and can easily commu- nicate about their feelings with women friends, many hold back emotionally from the men they date, especially in the beginning. Some hold back because they don’t want to turn a man off, or in an attempt to be “fair,” “open-minded,” or caring.

What do I mean by telling a man how you feel? Certainly I don’t mean that you go into a long diatribe about the argument you had with your best friend or that you share your deepest feelings about your mother, at least in the beginning of the relationship. But it is important to be honest about how you
generally
feel that night. For example, if you have had a very rough day, don’t put on a happy face and pretend that everything is great. Without nec- essarily going into details, mention that you’ve had a rough day and that you’re looking forward to a relaxing evening in his company.

The following guidelines will help you decide when it is appropriate to tell a man exactly how you feel:

• If a man does something on a date that offends you,
  tell him about it.
  Don’t put up with behavior that is irritating, offensive, or insulting out of polite- ness. By not telling a man how you feel about behavior that is bothering you, you give the impression that the behavior is acceptable to you. Worse yet, you may send the message that you are passive and can be easily dom- inated or controlled.
  

  There are certainly men who are more attracted to passive women, women they can dominate and control, women who will do whatever they desire. But by making the commitment to reading this book, you’ve declared that this is not the kind of woman you choose to be. You’ve either learned your lesson from being too passive in the past, or you know instinctively that this is not the path you wish to take in life.
  

  Believe it or not, there are just as many men who are attracted to assertive, outgoing, independent women. These men are truly confident in their own ability to maintain
  their
  sense of self in a relationship and are looking for a woman who is the same. When they sense that a woman is overly dependent they think, “This woman is going to suck the life out of me,” and they run the other way. They want a woman who will meet them face-to-face, who will take the risk of showing them
  exactly
  how they feel about any given situation, who will take the risk of truly being themselves. They want a woman who will stand toe-to-toe with them and debate the issues because they find this kind of woman stimulating and exciting. And finally, they want a woman who will meet with them heart-to-heart. They want a woman who isn’t afraid to share her deepest feelings because they want to be able to do the same.
  

• If he asks you how you are feeling about him,
  tell the truth.
  Don’t pretend you like him if you don’t. Many women pretend to like a man because they are lonely and want to be taken out on dates, but it is terribly unfair to do this, and is a waste of your time and his. If you sense he likes you a lot more than you like him, be honest about how you feel.
  Don’t lead him on.
  You hate it when a man leads you on, so don’t do this to a man. Treating others the way you want to be treated will make you feel good about yourself and will pay off in the end.
  

• If you really like him and had a fabulous time,
  tell him!
  Playing hard to get doesn’t get you anywhere, but honesty might. Most men feel complimented when a woman likes them. Since you’re working on going slowly, you won’t be vowing your undying love, just the fact that you like him and that you enjoyed yourself.
  

  The Benefits of Telling the Truth about How You Feel
  

  1. Men are socialized to express only a narrow range of emotions. Express- ing feelings of confusion, fear, weakness, vulnerability, tenderness, and compassion are considered “unmanly,” and so most men develop power- ful denial systems that allow them to block out these feelings. Therefore, many men look to the women in their lives to encourage them to feel and express their emotions. They welcome a woman who is in touch with her emotions—they find it attractive.
     

     There are, of course, men who are afraid of strong women, afraid that if a strong woman gets hold of them they will lose themselves. And, of course, there are men who are afraid of women who show their emotions because
     

     their own emotions are so frightening to them. If you scare this kind of man away, it is probably for the best.
     

  2. If he enjoyed himself, too, he’ll feel much more like asking you out again, knowing you had a good time.
     

  3. Another side benefit of being honest about how you feel about him is that you will encourage him to be honest. Wouldn’t you rather know how he’s feeling about you, one way or another, than waiting around not knowing whether he’s going to ask you out again? If you’re met with silence when you tell him you had a great time, you’ve probably got your answer. While this may hurt at the moment, it will save you the agony of waiting for him to call and the disappointment when he doesn’t.
     

  4. Telling the truth about how you feel will improve your chances of contin- uing your relationship.
     

     As your relationship progresses it will be even more important to con- tinue telling the truth. Not telling the truth in a relationship is like not water- ing a garden. It doesn’t matter how carefully you till the soil or how many seeds you plant, if you don’t water it regularly, your garden will wither and die. The same is true of a relationship. It doesn’t matter how good a start you got off to by telling the truth about who you are, what you like and dislike, and how you feel—if you don’t continue telling the truth about these things, your relationship will slowly wither and die.
     

     When you begin to hold back the truth from someone you care about, you end up holding back your love as well.
     The love and magic you once felt together gets buried underneath a pile of uncommunicated emotions. Each time you suppress a feeling you don’t want to deal with, you destroy a little more of the passion you once felt for your partner.
     

     Unfortunately, some women can’t tell the truth about what they feel because they really don’t know. They are so out of touch with their emotions that they can’t tell when they are feeling angry or sad. If this is your situation, you will need to connect more with yourself and your emotions. We’ll work on doing this in part III.
     

     If you don’t tell the truth about who you are, what you prefer, and how you feel, how can you expect a man to really know you? And if a man doesn’t know you, he can’t really love you.
     

     No one wants to be with someone who loves only an idealized image of themselves. No one wants to have to be on their best behavior all the time. And most important, no one wants to have to submerge their real desires and feelings to the point that they forget who they really are. Don’t set yourself up for this kind of life by pretending to be someone you aren’t, by going along with things you don’t really want to do, or by hiding your feelings to the point that you lose track of them.
     

     Loving Him
     

     Dishonesty, whether in the form of pretending or out-and-out lies, is unlov- ing. One of the most loving things you can do for a man is to present an hon- est picture of who you are and what you want in a relationship so he can make an educated decision as to whether he wants to be with you. By the same token, it is very unloving to pretend to agree with a man or to like what he likes when you don’t. A relationship must be based on honesty if it is to flour- ish and grow.
     

     7
     

     Commitment 3
     

     M
     AIN TAIN A
     S
     E PAR ATE
     L
     IFE
     

     Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side by side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them.
     

     R
     AINER
     M
     ARIA
     R
     ILKE
     

     Respect . . . is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
     

     A
     NNIE
     G
     OTTLIEB
     

     Relationships are all-consuming for me. I become so caught up with my emotions that I become nearly immobilized. I can’t think of anyone or anything else. I stop doing all the things that make me who I am—my journaling, walking, nature, even my spiritual practice. I become so absorbed in the relationship and in my partner’s life that I forget who I am.
     

     A
     DRIENNE
     ,
     AGE THIRTY
     -
     ONE
     

     A woman’s initial dating behavior will set the tone for the entire relationship. If you drop everything you are involved with to be with a man, this sends a strong message. Not only does it say that the life you have established is not that important to you, it also says that you will place a man and a relationship above all else, including your own needs.
     

     In addition, throughout history women have traditionally relinquished
     

     102
     

     their separate identity when they marry. This begins with giving up their last names, and until very recently, a woman was always expected to leave her own or her family’s home to join a man in his home. Moreover, until a couple of decades ago women were expected to give up their occupation, whether it be a teacher, an executive, or a sales clerk, to become a full-time housekeeper.
     

     Even though most women today continue to work, since men still tend to make more money than women, in most relationships the man’s job is still considered more important. If a man’s job transfers him to another city or town, a woman is usually expected to quit her job, no matter how successful, and go along.
     

     And while most women keep their jobs, women today still find that oth- ers view and treat them differently after marriage. This is how Cynthia, age thirty-five, explained it:
     

     Adam and I had lived together for two years, so I didn’t think marriage would really change anything, especially in terms of how we treated one another and how others perceived us. But I was wrong. I didn’t change my name because I wanted to keep my identity, but right away people started calling me “Mrs.” and I immediately felt diminished. When we went to parties, especially those hosted by my husband’s work col- leagues, I noticed that men in particular stopped treating me like an indi- vidual and more like an appendage to my husband.
     

     And even though I kept my job, there’s this assumption that I’ll only continue to work until I start to have kids, and this attitude has affected how some of my colleagues at work treat me. Some of them don’t take me as seriously.
     

     Whether you are single, married, or in a relationship, in this chapter I will help you begin to make the distinction between rigidity and healthy bound- aries and offer strategies for maintaining a separate life and a separate self instead of becoming enmeshed with your partner. These strategies are:
     

     • Maintain your usual schedule.
       

     • Maintain time for yourself and time to take care of yourself.
       

     • Maintain your own friends and social life.
       

     • Do not allow yourself to become isolated.
       

     • Pay your own way.
       

     • Maintain your own separate space.
       

  Maintain Your Usual Schedule
  

  Maintaining your usual schedule, whether it be your work schedule or your daily exercise routine, is vitally important to maintaining your sense of self. For example, if it is important that you return clients’ calls in the evening, don’t sabotage your career by ignoring them to spend time with your partner. If you have made it a habit of running every morning before work, don’t put this aside to stay in bed longer with your lover. While many men, especially those who are workaholics or exercise fanatics, need to slow down and focus on relationships more, most Disappearing Women need to focus and remain focused on other aspects of their lives in order to maintain their identity.
  

  As soon as they become involved in a relationship, many women tend to stop doing things that give them pleasure or a sense of accomplishment. Instead, they take on the task of pleasing their partners.
  

  We all need structure in our lives; the weaker our sense of self, the more structure we need. A good analogy is that those with a weak sense of self are like wet cement. Wet cement has all the properties that are necessary to form a solid foundation, but it needs structure to give it shape. When wet cement is poured on the ground it will ooze and run all over the place unless a structure is built to contain it. Your schedule or daily routine is the container that gives your life structure and stability. Take this away and you risk losing yourself.