Loving Him Without Losing You (8 page)

1. F
   RIDA
   K
   AHLO
   : A
   N
   E
   XTREME
   C
   ASE OF A
   D
   ISAPPEARING
   W
   OMAN
   

   Strongly influenced by the effects of an inadequate attachment to a primary caregiver, Kahlo was a needy, depressive woman who was intolerant of alone- ness and had a constant feeling of being a misfit. Born to a mother who was too ill to care for or even feed her newborn daughter, Frida never had the opportunity to have a bonding experience with her mother. No doubt still grieving for the newborn son she had just lost, Frida’s mother had her breast- fed by an Indian wet nurse. When her mother discovered that the nanny was drinking alcohol she fired her and hired a second nursemaid, causing Frida to break the bond with the only mother figure she’d known, though this rela- tionship lacked the sense of attachment, tenderness, and intimacy one usually associates with “mother and child.”
   

   In her painting
   My Nurse and I,
   Frida depicts herself in the arms of an Indian wet nurse. Salomon Grimberg, the author of
   Frida Kahlo,
   wrote:
   

   There is no eye contact between the nanny and Frida. No cuddling, not even a sense of attachment; the nanny’s face is covered by a mask, and her transparent left breast reveals swollen milk ducts; drops of milk spill onto Frida’s unresponsive lips. Frida is listless, self-absorbed, and to the viewer it is not clear whether she is living or dead. The nursemaid holds Frida’s small body as if offering her to the viewer. . . .
   

   But there were other factors adding to Frida’s already shaky sense of self. When she was six years old her older half sister Margarita told her she was not the daughter of her parents (a lie), but was picked out of the trash. As an adult Kahlo recalled that those words had such an impact on her that she “immediately became an introverted creature.” These words would no doubt have affected any child, but since she already felt that there was something horribly wrong with her, they affected her more profoundly by confirming what she already believed.
   

   Contracting polio in the same year, being an invalid for nearly a year, and coming out of it all with a thinner right leg reinforced her feeling that she was defective even further.
   

   What Your Adult Behavior Can Tell You
   

   In addition to looking at your history to help you determine the severity of your problem, examining your adult behavior can give you even more sig- nificant clues. The following questions will help you determine whether the experiences of neglect, loss, or abuse you suffered likely pushed you into the extreme category.
   

   Adult Behavior Questionnaire
   

   1. Have you been unable to experience a long-term relationship that lasted longer than a year? (This question applies only to those over twenty-five.)
      

   2. Do you need almost daily reassurance that your partner loves you?
      

   3. Are there times in your relationships when for no apparent reason you feel very loved, only to be followed by times when you are certain your lover doesn’t love you at all?
      

   4. Do you constantly question your partner’s love based on criteria such as how considerate or inconsiderate he is, how often he is affectionate or wants to make love with you, or how much attention he pays to other peo- ple?
      

   5. Do you constantly accuse your partner of being unfaithful even though there is no evidence that he is?
      

   6. Do you often drive by a man’s house to check on whether he is with someone else or if he’s at home as he said he’d be?
      

   7. Have you ever exploded in a jealous rage and then regretted what you’d said or what you’d done while in the rage?
      

   8. Are you often shocked by your own behavior when you are in a relation- ship?
      

   9. Have you ever felt so frustrated or angry in a relationship that you dam- aged the property of your lover?
      

   10. Have you ever become so frustrated or desperate in a relationship that you became emotionally or physically abusive?
       

   11. Have you allowed a partner to emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse you?
       

   12. Are you ashamed to admit that you’ve taken a lover back because you can’t bear to live without him, even after he’s beaten you severely?
       

   13. Have you ever stayed with a lover even though he is repeatedly unfaith- ful to you?
       

   14. Have you ever stayed in a relationship that you know was damaging to you because you were afraid of being alone?
       

   15. Have you ever had such a difficult time accepting the ending of a rela- tionship that you continuously called your ex-lover on the telephone or mailed him letters even after he asked you to stop?
       

   16. After a relationship is over, have you ever parked outside his house for hours just to be near him?
       

   17. Even long after a relationship is over, do you call your ex-lover on the phone and then hang up just to make him mad or hear his voice?
       

   18. Have you ever stayed with a man who emotionally, physically, or sexu- ally abused your child?
       

   19. Have you ever seriously feared that a relationship or a man was going to drive you insane?
       

   20. Have you ever engaged in behavior (such as stealing, prostituting your- self, or selling drugs) that you were strongly opposed to or behavior that is completely uncharacteristic of you to please or to keep a man?
       

   21. When a relationship is over, do you suffer from severe, debilitating depression that lasts for more than two weeks?
       

   22. Have you ever attempted suicide or seriously considered it because you were so distraught about a relationship ending?
       

   23. Have you retaliated against an ex-lover by damaging his property or get- ting him in trouble with his job or with the law?
       

   24. Do you still feel enraged with an ex-lover every time you think of him or hear his name mentioned, even though you’ve been apart for several months or even years?
       

   25. Have you ever seriously considered killing an ex-lover?
       

If you answered yes to more than five of the above questions, the likeli- hood is very strong that you are suffering from a more extreme version of the Disappearing Woman syndrome. In addition, if you answered yes to more than two of questions 18 to 25, you most certainly fall on the extreme end of the continuum.

There is no shame and should not be any self-blame in being at the extreme end of the continuum. It just means you didn’t get some of the breaks some women got. And always remember: healing can only begin with hon- esty and self-awareness. In addition to suffering from the same cultural con- ditioning and biological hardwiring other girls received, you either didn’t receive good enough parenting to prepare you for an autonomous life, you had an overly possessive, consuming parent who did not allow individuation, and/or you experienced severe emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

No matter where you fall on the Disappearing Woman continuum, there is hope for a change. In the next part you’ll learn strategies you can begin using immediately, whether you are single or currently in a relationship. These

strategies will help you begin to reverse the cultural conditioning that has encouraged you to lose yourself in relationships. Even more important, they will enable you to trade in your unhealthy behavior patterns for those that strengthen rather than diminish your sense of self. And while they won’t heal the damage from your childhood, they will help you stop causing yourself more harm by continually repeating the cycle of neglect, abuse, or rejection in your current relationships. As you come to realize you have options and begin to take better care of yourself in relationships, you’ll also find that both your self-esteem and your self-respect are increased.

P A R T I I

H
OW TO
M
AINTAIN

Y
OUR
S
ENSE OF
S
ELF WHILE
F
LOURISHING IN A

R
ELATIONSHIP

The Seven Commitments

I

n this part I will provide specific strategies to help you flourish in a rela- tionship while learning how to maintain your individuality and your identity. By following these strategies, those of you who are currently single will learn to behave differently in your next relationship. By learning to go slowly, maintain a separate life, stay in the present and in reality, not change yourself to please your partner, have equal relationships, and speak your mind—all the strategies suggested in the next several chapters—you’ll dis- cover you will not only be able to maintain your sense of self better but also

tend to attract men who respect you more and treat you as an equal.

These same suggestions can also work for those of you who wish to “start over” in your current relationship and can be especially beneficial for those who are reconciling after a separation. Once you have shown by your behavior that you will no longer place the relationship or your partner ahead

63

of your own needs, you will likely demand a newfound respect from your partner.

You’ll also learn how to apply the information you’ve already learned, particularly the differences between women and men, to help you relate to men in a way that is less threatening to them and more fulfilling for you.

Instead of thinking of these strategies as rules you must follow in order to stop losing yourself in relationships, I encourage you to think of them as commitments to yourself. By making and keeping these seven commitments you’ll find you will not only stop losing yourself in your relationships with men but also begin to attract more of the type of men who are willing to make a commitment to you.

5

Commitment 1

L
EARN T O
G
O
S
LO W LY

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.

It is a committed, thoughtful decision.

M. S
COTT
P
ECK

Love is a process, not a destination . . . a holy interpersonal environment for the evolution of two souls.

D
APHNE
R
OSE
K
INGMA

The moment I met him I knew he was the one for me.

T
AWNY
,
AGE TWENTY
-
FOUR

Earlier, you learned that men tend to have thicker boundaries and are more defended against intimacy than women. Because of this it makes sense that men tend to go more slowly in a relationship than women. This is a constant source of frustration for many women who accuse men of being afraid of commitment. While some men do have problems with commitment, it’s also true that many women become emotionally involved too quickly and scare away those men who are willing and able to commit. And many women become involved with men without taking the time to discover whether they are able and willing to commit, setting themselves up for disappointment and rejection.

One of the most important things you can do to ensure that you will not lose yourself in a relationship, as well as not scare off men, is to go slowly.

65

In this chapter you will learn exactly why it is important to take plenty of time when it comes to getting involved in a relationship with a man. You will also learn specific strategies to slow yourself down and to discourage a partner who is pushing too hard and too fast.

Disappearing Women tend to fall in love at first sight or become instantly infatuated far more than other women. But this is a surefire way to lose your- self.
Getting involved in “instant” relationships—relationships that begin with very little preparation, little or no information, and based on little or no reality—is one of the most common ways women lose themselves in relation- ships.
If you identified with the information from chapter 3 on thin bound- aries, there is even more reason for you to slow down in your relationships with men.

While we often read and hear romantic stories about “love at first sight” and see them constantly depicted in films, this portrayal only encourages women’s tendency to fantasize and reinforces the myth of the white knight on the shining horse.
The fact is, you cannot truly love someone you do not know.
You can be in love with a fantasy or with who you
think
the person is, but not with the real person.

To establish a healthy, lasting relationship, one based on mutual interests and complementary personalities, you need time—time to get to know the other person, and time for him to know you. Not the superficial, beginning- of-the-relationship persona that we all initially present, but the
real
person. This true self is revealed only through time, as layer after layer of defensive- ness is stripped away and as our false self slowly melts.

Dating used to be a time when two people would get to know one another, to determine whether they were compatible enough to begin a love affair. Today, people seldom even date in the true sense of the word. As the come- dienne Roseanne joked, “I don’t date, I get married.” While this is good for a laugh, the consequences can be quite sad.