Loving Him Without Losing You (10 page)

Many women fool themselves into thinking that it doesn’t matter what a man’s background is. They tell themselves it’s just an affair—they are just in it for the sex or the companionship. But in reality, casual sex leaves most women feeling sad and unfulfilled, and they simply cannot separate sex from love as easily as men can. Women tend to get emotionally involved when they have sex, partly because a woman’s body releases hormones during intercourse that create a bond with her partner and partly because the more often a woman has sex with a man the more emotionally involved she becomes with him.

How to Slow Down

The following strategies will help you slow down instead of immediately merging with a new man:

• No matter how wonderful you feel with a man, go slowly.
  

  In the beginning of the relationship, do not go out with a man more than two times in one week and do not have long phone conversations (over twenty
  

  minutes) more than twice a week. Immediate intimacy is a warning sign that either or both of you have a tendency to lose yourself in a relationship or are caught up in fantasy. To reconnect with yourself and maintain your sense of separateness, give yourself time between dates and evenings when you don’t talk to one another on the phone. (In addition, he’ll want to see you in person more if you don’t talk too much on the phone.)
  

  Even though you may feel like calling him the next morning after a date to tell him what a wonderful time you had, save it for the next time you meet. You probably already told him the night before, and you both need space to allow yourself to
  process
  the date—which means thinking about what occurred, how you felt about what occurred, and whether you really want to see each other again.
  

  Even though you may feel like faxing him a cute note or leaving him a little gift at his office or front door, restrain yourself. In
  The Rules
  by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, you may have read similar advice, since the authors warned you that this kind of activity sends the message that you were “too easy” or too desperate. While I agree, I am more concerned that you will send the message that your life is so empty that a date with him is a very big deal; this not only gives a man too much power but also sets a precedent for the rest of your relationship.
  

• Don’t be blinded by your attraction or your need to be accepted to such an extent that you don’t take time to get to know a man.
  

Just because you find a man attractive and just because he seems to like you doesn’t mean he is the right person for you. Only time will tell whether you are truly compatible. Force yourself to take the time to get to know him by observing him in a variety of situations and in various moods. Arrange for several platonic dates in which you share your likes and dislikes. You can start out by sharing your passions in life (which, by the way, is nearly always a turn- on to people), and notice his reactions to what you are saying (i.e., does he share your interests, or does he make comments that lead you to believe that he has absolutely no interest in what you find exciting?). Then ask him what he likes to do in his spare time or what his hopes and dreams are for the future. Notice such things as how he treats other people, what he says about other people, and how much of himself he shares with you.

• Don’t immediately jump into bed with a man just because you are attracted or because you think you are “in love.”
  

  No matter how strong the chemistry between you, remember that you do not know this person. Sex should only be engaged in with someone you have
  

  found you can trust, and this will take time. Engaging in sex too early makes you extremely vulnerable and will cause you to lose your objectivity. Remem- ber—this is what has gotten you into trouble in the past.
  

  Recent studies have shown that most couples have four dates before hav- ing sex, and this sounds fairly appropriate. You need at least this much time to get to know one another, to develop emotional intimacy, and to build up to the sex act step by step (a good-night kiss on the first date; holding hands, embracing, and more kisses on the second; deeper, more passionate kissing and fondling on the third). Later in this chapter, I’ll share more about how to establish emotional intimacy.
  

• Make a conscious decision to have sex.
  

  Instead of just getting carried away and letting your hormones dictate your behavior, make a conscious decision about whether you are ready to have sex. This decision should be based on how much trust has been established, whether you feel you are ready for emotional intimacy, and a clear under- standing of just what type of relationship you are going to have. This can only be determined by discussing with him whether you are each going to continue to date other people or be monogamous, and whether each of you is interested in pursuing a committed relationship.
  

• Don’t have sex until you have the “sex talk.”
  

  You should
  never
  have sex with someone without first discussing pro- tection. This doesn’t just mean asking a man at the last minute whether he’s wearing a condom or not. It means sitting down beforehand and stating loudly and clearly that you are concerned about all types of venereal diseases, includ- ing herpes, and that therefore you expect him to wear a condom each and every time. I also recommend that you ask him whether he has herpes or any other venereal disease. Another by-product of the sex talk is that it can be very revealing: How responsive is he to the idea of
  always
  wearing a condom? Does he seem equally concerned about not contracting or passing on a dis- ease? Is he willing to be tested for AIDS?
  

• Give yourself permission to be discriminating.
  

  Just because a man is interested in you doesn’t mean you have to get involved with him. Just because he’s handsome doesn’t mean he has anything else going for him. And just because he’s powerful or successful doesn’t mean he’d make a good partner for you.
  

  1. Spend time thinking about what you want in a man and in a relation- ship, and then set your standards.
     

  2. Make a list of the qualities you want in a man. Be realistic, but include those qualities that you feel are essential to a good relationship.
     

  3. Go over your list from time to time to remind yourself of what qualities are important to you. Do this especially just before you go on a date.
     

  Then when you are on a date, instead of getting lost in his gorgeous eyes or becoming mesmerized by his tales of success and power, concentrate on determining whether he meets your standards. Instead of listening to him talk all night, ask some questions about his history and about his beliefs and val- ues. For example: if it’s important to you that a man have ambition, ask what his long-term goals are.
  

• Don’t tell a new man your life history when you fi st meet, including all your present and past affairs.
  

  While it is important to be open and honest about who you are, it isn’t safe or healthy to bare your soul and tell a man your deepest, darkest secrets when you first meet. First of all, it opens you up emotionally and causes you to be far too vulnerable. Second, you don’t know him well enough to trust him with that much of yourself (i.e., you don’t know yet whether he is the type of person who will use the information against you later). Finally, men often get scared off by women who divulge too much about themselves, especially if they open up too soon about all their past and present problems. They perceive this as neediness. There will be plenty of time for confessions once you have developed a more lasting, trusting relationship.
  

  Neither should you go into detail about how many affairs you’ve had, how many men have dumped you, or how you’ve felt so deeply depressed after a breakup that you’ve been practically immobilized for weeks. There is a sub- tle but distinct difference between presenting a true picture of yourself in terms of what you want in a relationship and dumping all the past garbage of your relationships on his doorstep. You can talk honestly about what kind of man you think would be most compatible with you and what type of rela- tionship you’re looking for without bringing up all your past mistakes and heartbreaks. Save this until you’ve been together for a while (at least six months) and are talking about long-term commitment.
  

  Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
  

  If you or your partner seem to be pushing things, ask yourself the following questions:
  

  1. What’s the hurry? Is it fear that is motivating me? Fear that I’ll lose him?
     

     Fear that he’ll change his mind? Fear that I’ll never meet another man who cares about me?
     

     A lot of women rush into a relationship out of fear. They’re afraid if they don’t get a commitment from a man while he’s “hot,” so to speak, he’ll lose interest and go elsewhere. This prompts women to do everything from hav- ing sex with a man before they’re ready to pushing for marriage before they or their lover is ready.
     

     The sad truth is that a lot of men (and women as well) are addicted to the excitement and passion that comes at the beginning of a relationship. When the heat begins to fade, they begin to lose interest. If you feel pushed to get a guy while he’s hot, the chances are high that he’s the kind who’ll cool off very quickly, whether you have sex with him or not, whether you get a com- mitment from him or not.
     

     Some of the women I interviewed for this book told me they rushed into marriage because they were afraid that if the man had time to really get to know them he wouldn’t want to be with them. This is a common belief for women who have low self-esteem, but I’ve found it to be most typical in women who were abused as children and who came to believe, as a result of the abuse, that there is something inherently wrong with them that others would discover in time.
     

     Others fear that if too much time goes by before they get a commitment from a man they risk rejection because of the emotional problems they suf- fer from. Based on their past experiences in relationships, they know they have a tendency to become jealous, clinging, or demanding, and this behav- ior has turned men off in the past. Fearful of risking rejection, they push for commitment.
     

     Still others fear they will never meet another man who cares about them the way this one does, or another man who has the qualities this man has. This was my client Lauren’s situation. Lauren had been married two times, and with a four-year-old daughter, she feared her marriage days were over:
     

     Every time I told a guy that I had a kid I could see him mentally pack- ing up to go, you know what I mean? That is, until I met Ben.
     

     Ben seemed to love my daughter; in fact, that’s how we met. We were at the park one day when Maggie walked right up to him and started talking to him. I scolded her for talking to strangers, but Ben was so nice about it and he seemed to enjoy talking to her.
     

     We began dating, and he always thought to bring Maggie a little gift.
     

     Sometimes he’d come by on Saturday and we’d all go to the park
     

     together. No guy had ever wanted to take my kid along on a date before.
     

     Before long, Ben was talking about getting married and becoming a family. Even though it all happened so fast, he was so kind and con- siderate, especially to my daughter, that I just fell in love with him.
     

     Lauren and Ben were married after knowing each other for only two months. Unfortunately, it turned out that Ben was much more interested in her daughter Maggie than he ever was in Lauren. He began molesting Maggie shortly after the marriage and continued for nearly six months before Lauren began to suspect that something was going on.
     

     While there is no guarantee that if Lauren had taken more time to get to know Ben she would have discovered he was a child molester, the chances were certainly higher than they were by rushing into marriage.
     

     “Now, looking back on it, I realize that I loved the idea of being a
     family
     , of having a father for my daughter more than I really loved Ben. And I was so convinced that I wasn’t going to get another chance at marriage that I jumped at Ben’s proposal without really considering the consequences. It was one thing to take a chance with myself but something else entirely for me to take a chance with my daughter like that.”
     

  2. By the same token, if your partner is the one who is rushing things, ask yourself the same questions. What’s his hurry? What is he afraid of? What is he hiding? Why isn’t he willing to take the time for us to really get to know one another?
     

     If you’re getting the distinct message, either through his words or his actions, that the man you are dating is threatening to leave if you don’t have sex, if you don’t see him more often, or if you don’t commit,
     proceed with caution!
     First of all, threatening to leave for these reasons is unreasonable, manipulative, and controlling, and you don’t want to be involved with anyone who is going to resort to such tactics to get his way. The chances are very high that this man is either controlling or incapable of developing the type of inti- macy that is necessary for a healthy long-term commitment.
     

     And just as some women push for intimacy and commitment out of fear that once a man gets to know them they won’t want to be with them, many men have the same concern. In my client Rosie’s case, both she and her part- ner were operating out of the same fear.
     

     After my father molested me I always felt like damaged goods, like I was rotten inside. I believed no man would ever want me if he found out what
     

     had happened. I became very promiscuous when I was a teenager and all through my twenties because I figured I might as well, I was already a slut, and that was all men would ever want from me.
     

     When I met Jacob I noticed right away that he treated me differently from all the other men I’d known. At the end of our first date I invited him up to my apartment and just assumed he’d want to have sex with me. But instead of making a play for me we just sat and talked for a while and then he excused himself and said good night. I assumed he just didn’t like me until he called me the next day and asked me out for that night.
     

     We dated for more than a month before we finally slept together, and that night he proposed to me. I was completely overwhelmed. Usually after a guy had sex with me I hardly ever saw him again, and here was this guy asking me to marry him!
     

     Even though I knew we were rushing things, that we really didn’t know each other very well, I figured I’d better grab this guy before he got to know me any better and changed his mind. I figured that this was my chance to start all over. I’d make myself into the woman he thought I was.
     

     Unfortunately, there was much that Rosie didn’t know about Jacob either. It turned out that Jacob was gay and that he desperately wanted a heterosexual life. Since Rosie didn’t push him for sex, he felt that he could perform for her when necessary and that they might even be able to have a child together. He could continue having sexual relationships with men, and Rosie wouldn’t have to know.
     

     But eventually Rosie did find out and was deeply hurt. She once again felt used and betrayed by a man, just the way she had with her father. In addition, she began to doubt her own sexuality, fearing that somehow she’d attracted a homosexual man because she was really a lesbian. All in all, the marriage to Jacob was devastating to her self-esteem.
     

     Once again, while there is no guarantee that she would have discovered Jacob’s homosexuality had she waited, the chances are fairly high that she might have and even higher that given more time, she would have realized that she and Jacob weren’t really in love.
     

  3. If either one of you is pushing for sex or commitment, ask yourself: If it really is true love, can’t it wait? Won’t it merely deepen as time goes by rather than diminishing?
     

     One of the women I interviewed for this book, Holly, told me that since she’d had a history of making bad choices and of losing herself in relation- ships, she vowed that from that point on, she’d take her time getting to know a man.
     

     Am I ever glad I made myself that promise. Right after that I met a guy I’ll call Harry. We went out on one date and suddenly he was “in love” with me. Now, in the past I would have felt flattered, but this time I was much more cautious. I told myself, “If he really loves me, he’ll wait for me.”
     

     He started calling me every morning before I left for work and showing up at my job to take me to lunch every day. It all just felt like too much, and I told him so.
     

     He backed off for a while, and this made me feel more comfortable. Then things started getting hot and heavy and we had sex. After that I really had to work to slow things down because the sex was so good and I was beginning to have strong feelings for him. He wanted to get mar- ried, but something told me to wait and see what happened.
     

     But Harry kept pushing me to marry him. He became very insecure and started accusing me of seeing other men. One night after work I even saw him watching me from his car across the street. He really started to creep me out. I told him I thought we should give it a rest for a while, let things cool off.
     

     That’s when he really got weird on me. He started leaving notes on my doorstep about how he couldn’t live without me. He sounded so pathetic and desperate that my feelings for him started to really change. Then I started getting phone calls at all times of the night and day. The person would always hang up, but I knew it was Harry. By that time I’d lost so much respect for him that I didn’t want to see him again, much less get married. I’m so glad I restrained myself for a change. I saved myself from making a
     huge
     mistake.
     

  4. Ask yourself: Why treat my relationship as if it is temporary if I really want it to be permanent?
     

     There are certain personality types who tend to gobble up anything new in their lives, anything they have developed a taste for. Unfortunately, by over-
     

     doing whatever they are into at the moment they also tend to get burned out easily. This was the case with my client Sandra:
     

     I’ve always gone to extremes. When I was younger I’d get a tape I liked and play it over and over. I just couldn’t get enough of it. Eventually I’d get tired of it and wouldn’t want to hear it at all. I do the same thing with food. When I find something I like I’ll eat it for days until I get so sick of it I don’t want it again for a long time.
     

     Unfortunately, I tend to do the same thing with men. When I first start to like a guy I want to see him all the time. I’m just crazy about him. Everything he does seems to be adorable to me. I buy him gifts and take them by his house and I go crazy if we don’t at least talk on the phone every day. I can’t stop telling my friends how wonderful he is. It’s like I live and breathe him. I become obsessed with him.
     

     If I don’t scare the guy off with my behavior I end up getting tired of him eventually. I want to learn to go slowly so I can have a real rela- tionship, one that will last instead of just becoming another flavor of the month for me.
     

  5. Ask yourself: Do I really want to risk rushing into a relationship when I don’t know him? What if there are things about him that will eventually turn me off in time, or worse yet, that might be damaging to me? Don’t you owe it to yourself to take the time to discover who he really is before com- mitting yourself to him? Don’t you want to know the whole person before you move in together or get married?
     

     Only time will tell if a particular man is someone whose habits, values, and attitudes are compatible with yours and someone you’ll feel comfortable with on a daily basis. We all have an ideal self we present to new partners in order to impress them. Only by being around each other over time will you each drop your facades and begin to show your real selves. Make sure you aren’t already locked into a commitment by the time this happens.
     

     A Healthy Progression
     

     Learning to be truly intimate with another person takes time. Time to get to know one another. Time to discover whether you have compatible interests, beliefs, and values. Time to develop trust. Time to discover whether you are capable of resolving conflicts and disagreements.
     

     True intimacy is established one step at a time by taking a risk, then step- ping back and giving yourself some time before taking another. The follow- ing list, adapted from my book
     Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem,
     is an example of the kind of continuum a healthy sexual relationship might follow:
     

     1. Holding hands and kissing as you get to know one another by sharing your likes, dislikes, goals, desires, and dreams.
        

     2. Deep kissing and petting as you begin to learn more about each other’s moods over time.
        

     3. More and more intimate sexual sharing as your sense of safety with the other person grows.
        

     4. Sexual intercourse and/or oral sex following a discussion of one another’s romantic and sexual histories, including the important issues of protection against AIDS, and sexual fidelity.
        

     5. Mutual exploration of each other’s bodies as you continue to share one another’s histories, including the sharing of sexual and other secrets.
        

     6. A commitment to one another that may include an agreement to be monogamous as each discovers that he or she does not wish to be with any other person and as each discovers that he or she can indeed trust the other with his or her body, history, secrets, and most important, emotions.