Loving Him Without Losing You (5 page)

• • As Mary Pipher noted in
    Reviving Ophelia,
    a typical adolescent girl struggles with the following questions concerning her identity:
    

  • How important is it to be attractive and well liked?
    

  • How do I take care of my own needs and not be selfish?
    

  • How can I be honest and still be loved?
    

  • How can I achieve and not threaten others?
    

  • How can I be sexual and not be a sex object?
    

  • How can I be caring and yet not be responsible for everyone?
    

    According to Michael Gurian in
    A Fine Young Man,
    adolescent boys are plagued by entirely different questions concerning core self-development, namely:
    

  • Who am I?
    

  • When will I be independent?
    

  • What is right or wrong behavior for me?
    

  • What is love, and how do I do it well?
    

    Several things can be extrapolated from these two significantly different lists:
    

  • The questions that girls grapple with all involve
    their relationship to others, most significantly how they are viewed by others.
    The only question boys ask themselves regarding their relationship with others is not about how they are
    perceived
    by others but about right and wrong
    behavior
    .
    

  • The questions boys tend to struggle with are far more directed toward identity in general, not identity as related to others or the opposite sex. The issue of love does come into play but as you notice, Gurian put this item last on the list, which is surely not a coincidence.
    

  • The issue of independence does not even come up for girls but is close to the top of the list for boys, second only to Who am I?
    

  • Perhaps most significantly, instead of asking “Who am I?” female adolescents focus on “Can I be myself and still be accepted or loved?”
    

Interpersonal Relationships versus Achievement

Women, far more than men, tend to avoid their personal conflicts (such as their inability to individuate) by becoming absorbed in an “other” (most commonly a man). Men, on the other hand, tend to avoid conflict by engaging in activity—such as sports, career, and other achievements—which actually helps them develop more of a sense of self.

By looking to interpersonal relationships rather than achievement for a sense of self, women imbue their relationships with far too much impor- tance and risk far more damage to themselves when a relationship doesn’t work out.

Whether we want to admit it or not, men still hold most of the power in the world. Men still make more money and head most of the major corpora- tions. Most politicians are male, as are most judges, legislators, attorneys, doctors, and ministers. Many women still believe the only way to gain power is through a man rather than by their own accomplishments. (Classic folktales such as
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
and
Cinderella
reinforce the idea that a girl can’t resolve her problems on her own but must wait to be rescued by a handsome prince.)

Charlotte, age forty-nine, explained it to me like this:

I was raised to believe that the only way for a woman to obtain any real power or significance was to marry a wealthy or accomplished man. My family didn’t have enough money to send both my brother and me to col- lege, so I was sent to secretarial school, with the expectation that I would work a few years in a legal office and then marry a lawyer.

And that’s exactly what I did. Robert is a very powerful man, and I guess I thought I could take on some of that power vicariously by being with him. And in some ways I did. People treated me with a great deal of respect when they learned I was Mrs. Robert Black. It opened a lot of doors. Unfortunately, it prevented me from remembering who Charlotte Baker was. My entire existence centered around pleasing my husband— maintaining a beautiful home for him to come home to, looking good so he could be proud of me, and keeping up the appearance that we had it all. As the years went by, Charlotte Baker began to disappear, and all that was left was Mrs. Robert Black. When we divorced I didn’t have Char- lotte Baker to go home to. She was gone.

Disappearing Women and Psychological Disorders

Another factor in determining why women tend to lose themselves in rela- tionships more than men are the psychological disorders women tend to suffer from versus those experienced by men. Women tend to suffer from what are referred to in the psychological community as personality disorders far more than males, who, conversely, suffer from conduct and thought disorders.

A personality disorder is an exaggerated version of a personality trait. According to the
DSM-IV,
the diagnostic statistical manual used by clinicians to help determine psychological diagnosis, a personality disorder is an endur- ing pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible (unlikely to change), is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment in interper- sonal relationships.

Of the personality disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the one most commonly experienced by women. According to the
DSM-IV,
Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (moods), as well as a marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in no. 5, below.
   

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships character- ized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
   

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
   

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eat- ing). This does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in no. 5, below.
   

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behav- ior.
   

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). [Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria and is a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage, and despair.]
   

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
   

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
   

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symp- toms.
   

   Borderline Personality Disorder is often associated with symptoms such as eating disorders, other addictions, and self-mutilation, and is the common denominator of many of the syndromes of the 1980s, such as codependency and “women who love too much.” It is considered primarily a “women’s ill- ness,” since according to the
   DSM-IV,
   about 75 percent of those diagnosed with BPD are women. In fact, BPD is so pervasive among women that it has been referred to by the media as “the women’s illness of the ’90s.”
   

   Why is this so? Why would a particular personality disorder be more common in women than in men? There are several theories as to why this is true, including the following:
   

   Of those men who do suffer from a personality disorder, more suffer from narcissistic personality disorder than Borderline Personality Disorder. On the surface the narcissist appears to be self-assured, exuding an aura of self- importance, success in his career and love relationships, and a strong sense of knowing what he wants and how to get it. He is often brash, exhibitionis- tic, and grandiose. In reality, the narcissist’s personality is based on a defen- sive false self that he must keep inflated to hide his inadequate sense of self. While a man may suffer from the same sense of inadequacy as a woman, he is more likely to defend himself against it with a false facade than will a woman.
   

   Some researchers believe that just as many men fulfill borderline criteria as women, but whereas women tend to become depressed, attempt suicide, or seek psychiatric care, some men tend to act out violently against the world. This leads some to believe that Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) is the male equivalent of BPD, since most people diagnosed with APD are men. But although BPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder have some external simi- larities (i.e., difficulties with relationships, tendencies to blame others), their internal states are strikingly different. Those who suffer from BPD feel shame, guilt, emptiness, and emotional distress, while those with APD usually do not. Other theorists point to the types of cultural conditioning women expe-
   

   rience as the answer, such as:
   

   • Women experience more inconsistent and invalidating messages in this society.
     

   • Women are more vulnerable to BPD because they are socialized to be more dependent on others and more sensitive to rejection.
     

     Some point to the fact that sexual abuse, which is common in childhood histories of borderline patients, occurs more often in women than in men. The problem with this theory is that not all women who were sexually abused become borderline.
     

     The Borderline/Thin Boundary Connection
     

     Those with very thin boundaries feel immediately attracted to someone, often sharing with others such comments as: “I knew right away he was the kind of person I could trust” or “He just felt right to me.” They are the people who fall in love at first sight or who become fast friends with someone, and they are apt to open up and share even the most private aspects of themselves with perfect strangers “because it felt right.”
     

     People with thin boundaries tend to have intense but short-lived rela- tionships in which they live only for the other person. Typically they then go through a traumatic breakup and experience pain that far outlasts the relationship. Suicidal thoughts during these painful separations are not uncommon.
     

     Several of the women I interviewed for this book talked about how diffi- cult it would be for them to leave their current relationships, even though in some cases they knew they would be better off if they did. One woman expressed it this way: “I can’t even imagine my life without him—it’s like he’s become a part of me.” This is not just a figure of speech for these women but a way of describing a very intense, painful feeling. Many women describe their feelings at the loss of a relationship with a man as the same sensation as losing a limb.
     

     There is, in fact, a relationship between boundaries and mental disorders, although the cause of the relationship is unclear. It may be that having extremely thin boundaries predisposes one to personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, or it may be that this disorder actually “thins” the boundaries of these people.
     

     While generally, stressful conditions tend to produce a thickening of boundaries in an attempt to defend oneself, trauma can tear boundaries and make them thinner. Patients with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder have often experienced sexual, physical, or extreme emotional abuse in childhood. According to Dr. Hartmann, these patients show evidence of thin or torn boundaries, such as a tendency to enter relationships quickly, an inability to control emotions and keep out stimuli, or an intolerance of being alone. But they also attempt to form thick defensive boundaries, such as pro- jection, a tendency to be paranoid, and “splitting”—insisting on seeing others
     

     as totally good or totally bad. These defense mechanisms are characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder.
     

     Now that you have learned the reasons why you, like so many other women, lose yourself in relationships with men, you undoubtedly feel less confused by your behavior and less critical of it. You can stop blaming yourself for your behavior and begin to make the kind of changes that will enable you to live a healthier, more autonomous life.
     

     In the next chapter you will learn where to focus your energies, depend- ing on how mild or how extreme your problem is.
     

     4
     

     The Disappearing Woman Continuum
     

     The way out is through the door you came in.
     

     R. D. L
     AING
     

     Something happens to me when I fall in love with a man. It’s like I merge with him so strongly—sexually and emotionally—that I vacate my own body and soul. It’s a weird, almost supernatural experience. When I was young I used to think that’s what love was about but now I realize that most people don’t experience it like I do. I know it’s not healthy. There have been times when I’ve felt like I was losing my mind. And when the relationship is over I’m in so much pain I feel like I’m going to die.
     

     M
     ELINDA
     ,
     AGE
     T
     HIRTY
     -
     NINE
     

     In this chapter I will describe the Disappearing Woman continuum, the spec- trum of behaviors that make up the definition of “Disappearing Woman,” as well as explain the likely cause for each position on the continuum. This con- tinuum refl my years of working as a psychotherapist, feedback from other colleagues, the results of the interviews I conducted for this book, and my extensive study.
     

     Nearly all women suffer from some version of the Disappearing Woman syndrome. Those rare exceptions—women who have resisted their cultural conditioning and overcome their biological hardwiring and the effects of their childhood—make up only a small fraction of the total population.
     

     45
     

     If the only influences you experienced were cultural, biological, and those that are psychologically innate, you will likely suffer from only a mild version of this syndrome. This version is characterized by a tendency to seek male attention and male approval, including focusing too much time and attention on your physical appearance (especially your weight); a tendency to drop friends and social activities to be with your new lover; an inability to maintain a separate life from that of your lover; and a tendency to placate and to seek consensus to the point that you sometimes go along with things that are against your best interests. In addition, some women on this end of the continuum have difficulty bonding with female friends and see other women primarily as competition. Based on my clinical experience, I estimate that a little more than one-fourth of all women fall on this end of the continuum. This estimation was confirmed by my own informal survey. Of the forty-seven women I interviewed for this book, thirteen fit into this category.
     

     Most of us don’t get through childhood, however, without poor parental modeling, neglect, abuse, or the loss of a parent to divorce or death. These experiences, coupled with the cultural, biological, and psychological factors discussed earlier, push most women into the moderate category and to the middle of the continuum. By my estimation this comprises nearly half of all women. This estimate is based in part on the following criteria:
     

   • Current estimates reveal that one in four women was sexually abused as a child.
     

   • Fifty percent of American marriages end in divorce.
     

   • Twenty-three of the forty-seven women I interviewed fit into this cat- egory.