Loving Him Without Losing You (12 page)

• 1. Being yourself may be painful at first. We are, after all, all flawed, and you, like many Disappearing Women, may have a need to be perfect. But accepting that your imperfections and so-called negative attributes are part of what make you unique will help you to stop continually trying to be someone or something you are not. Embracing your imperfections will give them less power, and this will empower you to move past them.
     

     Tell the Truth about Who You Are
     

     In addition to being yourself, it is also important to tell the truth about your- self. This includes telling the truth about the following:
     

     • what you like and don’t like;
       

     • what you’re looking for in a relationship;
       

     • how you feel at any given time.
       

  This is important at any stage of a relationship, but particularly when you first begin to date a man.
  

  Everyone wants to be loved for who they really are. This is a deep and abiding human need. Unfortunately, many people, especially women, believe that if they are completely honest about who they are or if people really get to know them, they won’t like them. Some even believe they are basically unlovable. This is especially true for women who were emotionally, physi- cally, or sexually abused as children.
  

  Sexual abuse in particular makes a person feel like “used property” or “damaged goods.” Survivors of sexual abuse feel tremendous guilt and shame, and they often blame themselves for their abuse, as well as for harm- ful things they have done to themselves and others as a result of the abuse.
  

  In addition, those who were emotionally abused as children and have unfortunately taken on some of their parent’s abusive qualities often scoff at the idea of telling the truth about who they are to a man, as did my client Tanya:
  

  “I can’t imagine telling a man who I really am and him wanting to ever see me again! I mean, on the outside I’m friendly and courteous to people, but inside I’m critical and very judgmental. I compliment people on what they’ve accomplished, but inside I’m full of envy toward those who have more than I have.”
  

  Although you run the risk of turning some men off by telling them who you really are, you will find that the rewards far outweigh the negatives.
  

  As we discussed in chapter 5, true intimacy is gained by taking one risk at a time.
  Risking being yourself is the most important risk you can take.
  Since we all have aspects of ourselves we dislike or feel ashamed of, sharing these with a partner can engender a poignant sense of intimacy. It is extremely refreshing to hear someone tell the truth about themselves, and it encourages the other person to be honest as well. Telling the truth about your weak- nesses and faults also lets a man know that you are not just a superficial per- son who is trying to impress him, but someone who has the depth and honesty to look at and own up to her darker side as well.
  

  Of course, I’m not suggesting you dump all your negative qualities on a man on your first date but rather, during the course of time, as you are get- ting to know each other. For example, if during a conversation a man says he doesn’t like aggressive women, instead of agreeing with him or pretending to be passive, share with him that at times you can be quite aggressive and ask him what it is about aggressive women he doesn’t like. Then tell him why you like (or dislike) that quality in yourself.
  

  If a man tells you he has a difficult time with women who are jealous,
  

  don’t sit there and agree with him and pretend you are not one of those women. You may
  want
  to be the kind of person who isn’t jealous or posses- sive, but if you are, it’s important to tell the truth about it. If he knows up front who you really are, he is now in the position to make an
  informed
  decision about whether he wants to go forward with you. If he doesn’t know the real you, he is being deceived, and this is bound to backfire on you. Even more important, if
  you
  know up front that this man will not be able to tolerate your jealousy, why choose to go forward yourself? You’ll only end up feeling bad about yourself each time you have an episode of jealousy, and the relationship is not likely to last long anyway.
  

  Why not be honest about your tendency to be jealous? Explain to him where these feelings come from and tell him that you are working on your- self so you won’t become as jealous. Then turn the tables and ask him if he ever becomes jealous. If he says yes, ask him to explain the circumstances. If he says no, ask him how he is able to avoid these feelings. You’re likely to discover a great deal about this man during your conversation, including whether he can be trusted, and whether he is able to commit to one woman. Please note: While it is important to be honest about who you are, if a man is not opening up and being equally honest, curb your urge to bare all. It is only safe to share those aspects of yourself that are especially vulnera- ble (such as the fact that you have a tremendous fear of abandonment caused by the fact that your mother left you to be raised by your grandparents, or by the fact that your father left when you were six years old and you never heard
  

  from him again) if a man is
  also
  being vulnerable and sharing
  his
  history.
  

  Unfortunately, some men employ a double standard of honesty, especially in the early stages of a relationship. They urge a woman to be open and hon- est but secretly become critical of much of what she says. If a man feels that a woman’s boundaries are not stable, he may become frightened—even if he’s opening up about himself.
  

  Never,
  never
  allow a situation to develop where you are seen as the “wounded” soul while he is the “together,” well-adjusted teacher or counselor. If this situation seems to be developing, back off and turn the tables, as I sug- gested earlier. You can be honest without telling all, and you want to estab- lish an equal relationship from the beginning, not one where you are seen as the weak, neurotic, or needy one.
  

  The Benefits of Telling the Truth about Who You Are
  

  1. By telling the truth about who you are, you will attract those who gen- uinely like and appreciate the
     real
     you, not those who are merely
     

     impressed by a false facade. This will make it more possible for you to find someone you are truly compatible with.
     

  2. This in turn will help raise your self-esteem, since being accepted and appreciated for who you really are will make you feel more accepting and appreciative of yourself.
     

  3. By exposing your true self you are likely to discourage those men who are looking for someone they can manipulate or control, or men who are looking for the “perfect” woman.
     

  4. Most important, by taking the risk of telling the truth about who you are you’ll find that you feel stronger and more self-assured. Earlier in this book I presented information on individuation—the process of becoming whole and unique. One of the best ways to complete the individuation process is to put yourself out there in the world, to make a statement, or to take some action that defines you, that separates you from everyone else.
     By expos- ing your true self you also create a stronger self.
     

  5. Finally, by being honest about who you are you’ll decrease your chances of losing yourself in a relationship. Since you’ve set a precedent by being honest about who you are and how you feel, it will make it a lot easier for you to ask that your needs be met or to speak up when you don’t like some- thing.
     

     Become Aware of Your Preferences and State Them Loudly and Clearly!
     

     Many Disappearing Women are raised to be such placators, pleasers, and caretakers that usually they are not in tune with what they need and what they prefer. They often don’t make the decision about where to go because they are so afraid the other person won’t have a good time, and many truly believe they don’t have a preference as long as everyone else is happy.
     

     To many women, compromising and making concessions is a way of life. The preferences of others take precedence over their own on a routine, daily basis. For example, even if she is hungry for fish, if her partner wants to eat barbecue, a Disappearing Woman will likely give in to his desires, telling her- self it really isn’t all that important to her what she eats.
     

     If your date suggests a place or a type of food that you dislike,
     say so.
     Most men would prefer that a woman be honest about her preferences rather than pretending. They want their date to have a good time and don’t want to spend money on a meal she doesn’t enjoy.
     

     Don’t pretend to be enjoying yourself when you aren’t. If he has taken you to a place that makes you uncomfortable,
     say so
     instead of silently suffering for the rest of the evening. Many men are sensitive enough to sense your dis- comfort, and they will probably assume you are uncomfortable with them for some reason. Why let your discomfort get in the way of your getting to know one another and having a good time?
     

     The Benefits of Being Honest about Your Likes and Dislikes
     

• Being honest about your likes and dislikes will save you from having to put up with activities and behavior you really don’t like in the future.
  

  For example, let’s say the man you are dating is a science fiction buff. He tells you he practically lives and breathes science fiction. They are his favorite kind of movies, the only books he likes to read, and he regularly attends
  Star Trek
  conventions. Now let’s suppose that you
  hate
  science fiction. Not only are you not interested in it, but much of it scares you. Whenever you’ve seen a science fiction movie you’ve ended up having nightmares for weeks.
  

  Sure, by telling the truth about your preferences you might disappoint him. He may wish you had more of an interest and regret that you aren’t com- patible in this area, but it isn’t likely to turn him off completely (unless he’s a real fanatic, in which case the relationship probably wouldn’t work out anyway). But by your stating up front that you don’t like science fiction movies, your partner won’t be as likely to expect you to go to them, and you won’t be as likely to agree to go even if he does.
  

  Here’s another, more common example: By telling a man right away that you don’t like being with someone who has had too much to drink, you will not only eliminate men with a drinking problem but discourage those who only overdo it from time to time.
  

• Another benefit of being honest about your preferences is that it will make it more possible for you to find a man who has similar interests, beliefs, and values.
  

Think of how exciting it would be to express your opinions and prefer- ences about everything from religion to your favorite pastime and find that the man you are talking to has similar opinions and preferences. Contrast this with what a waste of time it is to pretend to have the same opinions and pref- erences as his.

E
X E R C I S E
:
Personal Ads Before and After

The following exercise will help you become clearer about what your preferences really are.

1. Describe yourself as you’d do if you were placing a personals ad. Include as many of your likes and dislikes as you can think of.
   

2. Read your ad carefully to determine just how honest you really were in describing your preferences and what you are looking for in a man. Now go back and rewrite your ad, being
   completely
   honest. Make sure you’ve included those preferences that are most important to you, and that you describe the kind of man you really want.
   

Sexual Honesty Leads to Better Loving

Many women have a particularly difficult time stating their preferences when it comes to sex. Some become so confused between what they
should
do and what they really want to do that they can’t tell the difference.

During the first stages of passion or the honeymoon phase of a relation- ship, both partners tend to focus on trying to please their partner more than on being honest about their real desires, preferences, and needs. In addition, many people are not clear about what their own sexual preferences and needs are.

Also, in new relationships people usually make love to their new partner by doing what turns them on, by doing what pleased a previous partner, or by doing what they have read women or men like. During the honeymoon period everything tends to feel good, but people become more discriminating as time goes by. At that point, if you don’t let your partner know what turns you on or off, you will reinforce the belief that what is being done is okay, encour- aging your partner to continue as he has.

Many women believe that their partner should be sensitive enough to know their needs without being told. How often have you heard someone say, “If I have to ask for it, I don’t want it”? When you think about it, doesn’t this seem rather silly? Don’t allow this kind of misguided thinking to get in the way of your receiving the kind of touching and stimulation you really desire. No one is a mind reader, and no matter how well your partner knows you, there is really no way for him to know what you want sexually at any given time.